Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not meet up with friends for lunch as it doesn't fit with DS's routine?!

83 replies

allibaba · 06/10/2011 22:16

Or I am being a bit precious? (pls be nice now..)

It would involve my 3 really good mates and their DH/DP's meeting up, possibly for lunch about an hour from where I live. Only 2 of us have children (of the same age - 18mo) but my DS is V active toddler and the other DS is not walking yet.

My DS is teething badly as mo, really needs his lunchtime nap (12-2pm normally) and is inconsoluable if he doesn't get it. I should mention that he doesn't sleep in his pushchair when we're out as there's too much going on for him to look at. Makes our life easier to plan things around his routine but when I mentioned this to one friend (who doesn't have kids) that we might not make it because of this she got a bit funny with me.

AIBU to say no and not go?

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 06/10/2011 23:41

The whole point of a routine is that it can be bent. Meet at 1 - so DC naps in the car - and go somewhere child friendly with running around space. You and DP Take it in turns if DS Needs to roam. Look at the thread where the mother of a 7 yo doesnt want to go out on an afternoon hen night for backbone/inspiration.

SmethWitchBelle · 06/10/2011 23:44

I'm on the fence...

If he'll probably nap on the way over then you may well get away with it with some stage management, its probably worth it. However given you're very pregnant I can understand why you're keen on avoiding stressful situations though, I have a flexible approach to DS2's naps but I'm not a masochist and if something is going to overextend him to the point that it becomes a farce, no one is a winner and I will pass!

WoodBetweenTheWorlds · 06/10/2011 23:47

I have friends who are bound by their DCs' routines. It does really annoy me tbh, so I can relate to your friends OP - I always find myself wondering how they allowed themselves to get into that situation. But maybe my dd is more portable than most - who knows?!

Plonker · 06/10/2011 23:48

Oh you sound exactly like I was with my dd1, and oh how I regret it!

I had a great routine going on with her and woe betide anyone anything that got in my way.

The upshot was that my dd couldn't sleep anywhere apart from in her own bed. She wouldn't eat anywhere apart from in her own highchair. And she still now (though it could be personality) is very regimented in her ways.

It became very restricting for us both, and was very antisocial

I didn't make the same mistake twice and although I had routines with dd2 and dd3, they were loose routines. We did things in the same order pretty much, but at times of day to suit the family, rather than the baby.

Worked for us.

All that said, I don't think YABU, I think you need to go with whatever you feel will work best.

PicaK · 07/10/2011 08:13

Totally get where you are coming from.

Is there anyone who can babysit? You are 7 months pregnant - you deserve a lovely lunch out with your DH and your friends.

I too have a son who chicks the crayons, colouring books etc on the floor after ten seconds. I dread posh meals. It's worse when it's with mates when you've a history of long leisurely lunches and when they don't have kids. (Cos they don't understand and I'm not blaming them cos lots of people with kids who happily sit don't get it either).

I've done three meals like this - one went well, the others didn't.

Go as s twosome if you can.

Adversecamber · 07/10/2011 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 07/10/2011 09:36

youll end up very lonely if you keep cancelling things before of dc.
it is hard work when theyre not the sort of child who sits and eats(i have 2 out of 3 of those) but he wont learn to do it if hes never exposed to social situations.grit your teeth,warn your friends that he doesnt deal with situations like that well but that your trying.if they are good friends they'll help you.

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie · 07/10/2011 09:37

because of dc not before.

valiumredhead · 07/10/2011 09:42

I wouldn't have done it because my ds never slept in the car or in his buggy and it just made things too stressful and he would be over tired and scream the place down. So I loosely based things round his routine so we'd both be happy.

OP just do it if you feel like it, but from your post it sounds like you don't really think it'll be much fun for you or the dc's.

Diamondback · 07/10/2011 09:47

Babysitter! No-one can say if you're being U or not as children are different, and I think parents with easy, flexible children tend to be very unsympathetic to those with children who go NUTS if they don't get their nap.

If you don't have family/friends who can do it, a friend tells me that if you call a local nursery, most will have CRB-checked, experienced staff happy to pick up a bit of cash for the odd babysitting gig.

dreamingbohemian · 07/10/2011 09:50

I think you also have a bit of responsibility not to ruin lunch for your friends -- I get that people think you need to take him out to more social occasions to get him used to it, but it's not necessarily fair on your friends if they want a nice posh lunch and your child isn't likely to behave well.

fluffystabby · 07/10/2011 09:55

I have had 4 children. No's 1 and 2 were easy-ish. No 3 was my "difficult" one and no 4 was/is/and remains the easiest child ever put on the face of the planet.

so I can see that you may have a child who needs a nap and will be cranky without it.

But that still wouldn't stop me going to see my friends. Pick a nice but not super uber posh place where they aren't going to be tutting at the baby, put DH on standby to take out to the carpark with a ball for 10 minutes if it gets too much. Hopefully he'll sleep in the car on the way over and back so he won't be too knocked out of his routine.

If you don't do this occasionally you'll end up that you never go anywhere and he will never get used to going places and doing things - and you won't be able to be so rigid about naps with no2 or even no3 should one come along.

If he's 18 months, he'll be 20 months when the baby comes. When the baby is 20 months he'll be 3 and a bit - at playgroup or tots or nursery and you'll have a pick up to do at 12 or 1 or if it's a pm session a drop off to do.

tifflins · 07/10/2011 09:58

You are 100% NOT being unreasonable! I totally understand and sympathise with your position - my 2 DS sound like yours. Everybody's day can be a nightmare if routines are upset and changed. I've found that alot of friends without children do not and will not, ever, understand how it is for you. Stick to your guns and don't feel bad about it!

Magnumwhite · 07/10/2011 09:59

I sympathise with having a v active DS. It is very different to having a non walking perhaps more placid DD.

DS also usually naps at home at lunchtime. I have to say I don't feel bound to the house at all! I love this time for ME! (and he loves his sleep as well)

I personally don't enjoy lunches out trying to manage DS so if we want a grown up lunch or supper we get a babysitter.

If we want to do a family focused thing we tend to eat earlier and keep the table time short and make sure there are plenty of other activities

I think it totally depends on how much you actually want to go this event tbh.
We missed several weddings when ds small because they were less close friends and we decided we didn't want to go that much - equally made a massive effort to get to one 300miles away in the middle of the big freeze and bent the routine because we really wanted to be there for very special friends.

your life, your child, if you are happy the way it is, enjoy it as I do!
I expect that no 2 will have a lot more naps out and about to fit around DS and thats fine too. I've loved the last 18months, and I'm sure life with 2 is going to to be richer/better/harder/different.....we'll take it as it comes :-)

Incidently before having kids i would have looked at you oddly too!

wellwisher · 07/10/2011 10:12

YWBU and a bit of a martyr not to go at all. Why do you have to take DS with you? I think it's a bit U to take a child that age to a "nice restaurant", but that's for another thread...

feedthegoat · 07/10/2011 10:15

I think you are being a little bit precious really.

But I am aware that you are not on your own, I remember being told when I was pregnant that there was no point making plans to do anything or spending much on a pram as I was unlikely to leave the house that much for a year or so! My response was pretty much to be determined not to do that!

I insisted on starting as I meant to go on so we were constantly out and about so I never did set nap times. Ds just created his own routine and maybe I was just lucky because he could nap on clothes line! I didn't want to be one of those mothers bound by dashing home to a darkened nursery tiptoeing around half the day. I guess it depends on your babies personality though, mine was happy to be carted anyway, though he was certainly not the passive type and could be hard work. To be honest I found it easier to entertain him out and about than at home.

Ultimately it is your decision though, you know how much of your life you are prepared to give up.

valiumredhead · 07/10/2011 10:15

Why do you have to take DS with you?

Ha ha, hard as it may seem to imagine, some people don't have endless babysitters and family to step in maybe that's why OP has to take the dc's?

GumballCharm · 07/10/2011 10:15

Magnum don't start the competative son versus DD talk. It's utter rubbish.

Magnumwhite · 07/10/2011 10:21

I'm sorry if I offended anyone I didn't mean to. I don't think DS is any better or worse than any of my lovely friends DDs. I did say 'perhaps?'
again sorry to offend

Pishtushette · 07/10/2011 10:25

I dont think youre being too precious. If youre going to have a screaming DS during lunch it will be no fun for anyone. As others have said you dont want to alienate yourself from your friends so could you try getting him to sleep in the car, or maybe get up earlier and get him to nap earlier and tweak the time of the lunch.

My DD has no nap routine and it`s one thing I regret not getting her in to. She rarely naps and sometimes I just need to get things done.

I hope you manage to find a solution.

wellwisher · 07/10/2011 10:28

valium I'm assuming the OP has a DH. And it's a one-off event for a few hours in the middle of the day - an endless childcare pipeline isn't required.

ladydeedy · 07/10/2011 11:04

i had some friends who we invited over for lunch (with their child) to meet some other (joint friends) who were visiting from the US. We said lunch is at 1. They said actually you'll need to make it at 12 noon as 1pm wont work for us and we have to get back home for 3 so that [child's name] can have her nap.
We are now no longer friends!

valiumredhead · 07/10/2011 11:14

Well again -hahahahahahahah! Would your dh really take the day off work so you could go out to lunch? Lucky you if he has the sort of job where he can do that.

Ormirian · 07/10/2011 11:18

This is a foreign country to me! We always took our babies everywhere whenever we needed to. IME kids are very flexible. Mind you I used to bf mine when they were tired or cranky so we never had screaming miserable kids.

I would go. He might surprise you by enjoying it

CamperFan · 07/10/2011 11:18

YANBU - if your son is going to be a nightmare then there's not really much point going. I'm always a bit at people who say "oh just go, your DC will fit in around you". Er, no they won't - they'll cry, shout, throw things on the floor and generally make having a catch up with friends impossible. Invite your friends over for lunch instead.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread