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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not meet up with friends for lunch as it doesn't fit with DS's routine?!

83 replies

allibaba · 06/10/2011 22:16

Or I am being a bit precious? (pls be nice now..)

It would involve my 3 really good mates and their DH/DP's meeting up, possibly for lunch about an hour from where I live. Only 2 of us have children (of the same age - 18mo) but my DS is V active toddler and the other DS is not walking yet.

My DS is teething badly as mo, really needs his lunchtime nap (12-2pm normally) and is inconsoluable if he doesn't get it. I should mention that he doesn't sleep in his pushchair when we're out as there's too much going on for him to look at. Makes our life easier to plan things around his routine but when I mentioned this to one friend (who doesn't have kids) that we might not make it because of this she got a bit funny with me.

AIBU to say no and not go?

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 06/10/2011 22:38

I would take the opportunity to go out for a nice meal while you only have one child to take! As for sitting at the table, won't your DS be in a highchair?

Meglet · 06/10/2011 22:40

yanbu. I stuck to a routine when mine were small and especially when they were teething. Nothing got in the way of the regime .

anxious they can try and climb out, repeatedly and noisily.

NewShooz · 06/10/2011 22:41

I have a 21 month old who is also very active. She sleeps every afternoon for at least two hours at the same time every day. I must admit I have declined some invitations in the past which were mid afternoon and therefore would be right in the middle of her sleep.

I think only you can make up your mind, as you know your child best. Some things IMO are just not worth going to/keeping my toddler awake for, because I will then be left with an extremely irritable toddler for the rest of the day because she hasn't had enough sleep.

Btw, Mine have just been casual invitations to the park or something which I wasn't bothered about missing. If it's a nice lunch with good friends that you really want to go to, then it might be worth trying to re-arrange the meeting time?

feelingratheroverwhelmed · 06/10/2011 22:42

I understand where you are coming from and I don't think YABU. But, if there is a good chance of a sleep in the car I think I would risk it.

I completely understand what you mean about possible issues in a nice restaurant. My DS is nearly two and I have a very shoert window of how long he will stay in a highchair in one spot, not mater how many toys and distractions I take. If we go out for a meal either me or DH end up having to walk around he restaurant / walking outside with him inbetween courses and once he has had enough food. It's not always that straightforward, but that does that not mean we are not in control as parents!.

Original poster

allibaba · 06/10/2011 22:44

Anxiouselephant, my DS doesn't watch TV as he doesn't have any interest in it!! Have tried him with cbeebies but to no avail. He's the sort of child that we cannot mention the word "walk" in front of because he immediately runs to the front door and wants to go out and run round. Colouring books, jigsaws only keep him entertained for a very short space of time (as in 5-10 mins at a time) so although we have gone out for meals we taken him to places where there are lots of things for him to look at too.

Maybe I'll suggest a child friendly venue and the two without kids will just have to put up with the noise!

OP posts:

GumballCharm · 06/10/2011 22:45

Just go and keep him entertained...and put up with the overtiredness later. As parents you have to go with the flow or you'll do nothing for yourself ever!

I have a friend who is like ths and people are tired of it...her mates I mean...we ll have DC but we can't arrange things to suit her DC's naptime!

You need to let theDC see what social life is all about too!

bonkers20 · 06/10/2011 22:45

I've been precious about routines at times. If I don't get that little bit of down time on my non-work days I am not a nice person to be with (nor is the DS!)

Now I'm coming through that stage I can already look back and see how it looks precious, but when you're living it and each day can be a trial you just want to do things that make you life run smoothly. It can be hard for others not to see your POV though so you have to weigh up what's more important.

DS1 napped in the car or in the buggy, DS2 really needed to be at home in his cot. Different children, different needs.

BluddyMoFo · 06/10/2011 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChitChattingWithKids · 06/10/2011 22:50

I don't think you should avoid going out for lunches all the time, because that would make your DS quite inflexible, and make it harder for you in the long run. However if you are with people who don't have kids that is NOT the time to start this! You will be anxious the whole time and just won't enjoy it.

If it's on a weekend, why not get a babysitter to look after them at home for a bit? (Or a family member?). It seems a shame not to catch up with friends occasionally.

TheyCallMeKipper · 06/10/2011 22:52

I don't think you should go because you obviously aren't going to enjoy it and are stressed about it already.

FWIW I would go, and have done in similar situations because I think a bit of flexibility is important. But then I wasn't stressed about it and you are, so don't make life more difficult for yourself. Equally, don't expect anyone else to change their plans to accommodate you, and accept you're going to miss out this time.

dreamingbohemian · 06/10/2011 22:52

I agree -- you know your child best. It's easy for a bunch of strangers to say you're being precious but you know from experience what will happen if he doesn't nap. If on top of that he's not likely to be well behaved at a nice restaurant then you're probably setting yourself up for a hard time.

I scheduled things around naps until recently and I never felt I put my life on hold or the baby was running things or whatever, it was just something to work around. If you're flexible it doesn't have to be a big deal.

But that said, is there any reason both of you have to miss lunch because of this? Can't one of you go? Or could you meet them after lunch for tea or drinks?

HerdOfTinyElephants · 06/10/2011 22:53

Take him, let him sleep in the car, but don't go to a "nice restaurant" if you think he's going to be cranky. Go for somewhere more relaxed and child-friendly.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 06/10/2011 22:54

Pre-dc my friend was like this, she never left the house and complained that her dd wouldn't sleep anywhere other than at home in her bed. I always thought the reason for this was because she never went anywhere to give her tha chance to get used to sleeping anywhere else. I really never understood it and now 3 dc later I still don't understand it.

DD was my pfb and was probably in more of a routine than her 2 brothers ever have been but I always made sure I was never tied to the house for naps in that way I would have gone mad that way.
I have made a massive effort to have a loose routine that I can make flexible for situations like this.

If you can try and do this you will find it so much easier then the new baby comes as well because 2 different dc don't always have the same routine and you have the potential for ending up stuck in the house for the whole day around napping babies and toddlers.

Take the chance go somewhere child friendly TBH it is the fair thing to do for the 2 of you that do have dc and give it a go.

dreamingbohemian · 06/10/2011 22:55

But, you can't really tell people that you can't come to something because of naps (see the reaction you've had here already!) I would just say, oh we're tied up until 2 or whatever.

Original poster

allibaba · 06/10/2011 22:55

Thank you all for your posts, quite a bit to think about as I do take points that we don't want to curtail our social life or not get our DS not used to being taken out and dealing with this sort of thing.

I think I'll see how he's feeling with his teeth (they might be all through by that stage at the rate they're coming now!) and find out exactly where we're going and what the plans are before we decide

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 06/10/2011 22:56

hmm, I don't think you're being precious exactly (you might be being a responsible parent for all I know - I'm not one!) but there's no way I'd put a baby before going out and having a good time with my friends.

When my oldest was that age I was only 20/21 and a full time student. She came to house parties etc with me most weekends and frequently mid week too - if she got tired she slept upstairs! She also came to pubs, drama rehearsals, sports matches, choir practices, the gym and even lectures on occasion!

Babies will eventually grown up and get their own lives. If yours has stopped while you raise baby, how will you ever get your life back again?

pineapple70 · 06/10/2011 22:59

Just go. Shame to miss out. It might be fine. If it's not, you can always go home.

rubyhorse · 06/10/2011 23:03

Be very careful here. I have a friend who lives ten minutes away from me, who I haven't seen for a cup of tea and a chat for more than two years - because nap times in her house don't tie in with times when I'm available. I'm in contact in other ways, and will be here when the routines are less gripping, but I'm sure she'd be horrified if I ever pointed out to her how long it's been. I'm really sympathetic to your POV, but you're going to have to brave the occasional disruption if life as a whole is going to be normal. Best mantra - some you win, some you lose.

dreamingbohemian · 06/10/2011 23:05

I think it's a bit chicken and egg though -- for people saying you took your baby everywhere and they were fine, maybe it's because they were fine that you were able to take them everywhere?

My DS had phases where he would sleep everywhere and phases where he would only sleep at home. At least in my case I don't think it really mattered what I did, he had his preferences.

I'm no martyr -- I still had a good social life! But I really think I was being practical, not precious. I was the one who was going to be up all night if he didn't nap.

Vallhala · 06/10/2011 23:08

It's all probably a bit too late IMO. My DC both slept, chuckled and behaved fairly well when I went out as you've been invited to because I never had a routine. Therefore they got used to sleeping in the buggy and not doing things to a schedule from an early age.

If you buck the trend now it might be hard to start off with but in the long run will be well worth it. Had I not acted as I did I would have been tied to the house as a lone parent with no life of my own - and I can tell you, that's not fun!

halcyondays · 06/10/2011 23:12

I suppose it depends on the child. Both of mine hated being put in the cot for naps, so they usually only napped in the buggy or car. with dd2, I never even tried to get her to nap at home. I guess other children may be different, but I do think you can only really be a slave to the routine if the first dc, any dc you have after that usually have to fit in with what the others are doing, such as toddler groups, school runs etc.

skybluepearl · 06/10/2011 23:28

My eldest got extreemly exhausted and had to have set sleeping times to manage/enjoy the day. He could also only sleep in a bed. With him I would have worked around the lunch time nap by inviting friends to eat at mine maybe or putting a travel cot up at friends house. Use black out blinds also. Youre not going to enjoy yourself if your toddler is really unhappy due to sleep deprivation.

My third child is different to my eldest. He will sleep anywhere. He is a different type of child with different needs and more stamina. Most children i know are more like this and so i imagine most people here won't understand how sleep dependant your child is.

skybluepearl · 06/10/2011 23:35

ps. i have had a good social life wioth both types of sleepers. with lunch time cot sleepers, the trick is to take a travel cot to friends houses or borrow friends cot for an hour or two.

I tried being free and easy, sleeping on the go with my second boy but alas, he was just like my first and in need of specific sleep times to cope with the demands of the day. He would get very exhausted and need his bed to recharge. Too little sleep and I'd have a horrid whingy child.

MidsomerM · 06/10/2011 23:37

YANBU. You know your child best, and you know how he'll behave in certain situations.

Anyone who says "take him it'll be fine" has clearly never had the kind if child who freaks if they're tired. And as for strapping him in a high chair with pens and paper -well, that would amuse my toddler for about ten seconds.

cjbartlett · 06/10/2011 23:37

Why don't you go on your own and dh can have ds at home?

Sounds like you need a break and a stress free Girly lunch

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