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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider upping my working days to get a "rest"

85 replies

pamelat · 06/10/2011 19:37

..... from my very loved, but very exhausting, 3 and 1 year old.

I work 3 days a week. Unfortunately we don't have family childcare so they go to nursery on those days, which is expensive. They love it though. I am fortunate that I do earn some money once the childcare is paid out but not a lot, it covers the childcare and about £40 extra a day.

At nursery my children are apparently angelic. They eat and they don't whine.

I have Thurs and Fri "off" work and find that each week I find myself longing to be at work. They moan, whine, argue with me (the 3 year old), refuse to eat (the 1 year old). My 1 year old (DS - 16 months) wants to be carried if we stay at home or wants to run away from me if we go out. We normally go out so I find myself with an escapee. I feel he's still too young to be left to get on with it, ie) in soft play etc so I follow him around, with my 3 year old (nearly 4 DD) then upset because I'm not with her - I can't win?

If we stay in, its worse. DD (3) would happily chill, watch tele, cut and stick etc but DS is a nighmare constrained in the house.

I love them with all my heart and enjoyed a years maternity leave with each of them but now I am back at work, it is by far the easier option emotionally.

I dont want to turn this in to a huge working mum versus SAHM but I wondered if I am a complete and utter cow to be considering a 4 or even 3.5 day working week to just buy myself more space?!!

OP posts:

PetisaPumpkinHead · 07/10/2011 20:50

OP I have a 3.6 yo and a 13 month old and, as a SAHM, your days with your dc sound like every day for me! Well, it's not so bad now dd1 is in her preschool year and goes 9-12 every day, and I have a babysitter for a couple of hours a week, but you have just described my life!

Don't worry, you haven't spoiled them, they are just being normal. They are angelic around others and as soon as you walk in, they start crying, whining, acting up, etc. It's called being a mum! Mine do it too, all the time. They save up all their woes and frustrations and release them on you as soon as they can, because you're their mummy and that's what you are for.

It's tough at these ages, but can only get better. Up your hours if you think it would make you a better, saner mummy, and don't feel guilty about it.

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 20:51

"You need to do what's best for everybody including you - not just what's best for the children."

Christ, she only has them on her own for two days a week. TWO DAYS.

lec0rnsillk · 07/10/2011 20:52

I disagree. I think that you are the first poster who I have seen describe parenting in such a negative manner.

lec0rnsillk · 07/10/2011 20:53

erm...4 days

lec0rnsillk · 07/10/2011 20:53

there are 7 days in a week

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 20:55

From the OP:

pamelat Thu 06-Oct-11 19:45:28
Sooty I think what is best for them is to keep it as it is, 3 days nursery and the rest with me (and DH at weekend).,

I said she only has them ON HER OWN for two days a week.

As you say, there are seven days in the week, she works for 3 of them, she has them ON HER OWN FOR TWO days and she has them with her DH for two days.

Why has that confused you?

lec0rnsillk · 07/10/2011 20:56

I doubt that she is ON HER OWN for 24 hours a day.

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 20:59

And?

lec0rnsillk · 07/10/2011 21:00

...so she has them f/t for 4 days...none of them ON HER OWN and also for the majority of the 2 days that they are in nursery.

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 21:03

My understanding from what she has written is that they are in nursery for 3 full days while she and her DH work.

They do not go to nursery on a Thursday and a Friday and the OP looks after them.

At the weekend the OP and the DH look after them.

Where have you got the information that she has them for "the majority of the 2 days that they are in nursery"?

PetisaPumpkinHead · 07/10/2011 21:04

Isthisweird, why judge though? You are you and OP is OP. If she can't cope with that amount of time with her kids, then so be it, if it keeps her sane she is better off at work. Better for the kids not to be with a mum who doesn't really want to be there.

lec0rnsillk · 07/10/2011 21:05

24 hours in a day, if they are in nursery 9-5 that's 8 hours, so the OP will have them for 16 hours of the day.
Bored now - off to start my wine.

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 21:08

I'm not judging the OP petisa - I'm judging the mentality on here that defaults to the parent being happy being the main priority at all times.

Cornsilk - bye now, you really brought a lot of depth to the discussion, well done.

howmuchlaundry · 07/10/2011 21:18

What suits one family doesn't necessarily suit another. There are plenty of mums who look after 2 (and sometimes more) small children completely on their own, 24/7, but not everyone can do it. It is hard work and if the op feels she can't cope with her situation, then surely she is right to consider other avenues?

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 21:21

I don't think she's wrong to consider other options. I just don't think the default should be to pay someone else to look after the children.

Why not encourage the OP to look at a other options and avenues (as a few posters have) instead of just telling the OP that getting someone else to look after her children is the solution?

Life isn't easy, sometimes you have to work at it instead of taking the easy way out.

howmuchlaundry · 07/10/2011 21:38

Personally i don't think that getting someone else to look after her children is necessarily the solution, but rather that the op should consider all other options if she is finding that she can't cope with looking after her children for 2 days a week.

EightiesChick · 07/10/2011 21:39

The other factor here that you mentioned in passing, OP, is that your DH's job is not very secure and may go in the next 12 months. That supports my opinion anyway, which would be to move up to 4 days at work. It sounds like it will ease things for you a bit and also add in some extra income that you could try to save against your DH losing his job (you did say you still profit, if only by a small amount, by working with the kids in childcare).

If this does happen for your DH, will he be staying at home for any/all of the 'working week' to look after them? Interesting to think about how it would work, and what 'helpful' opinions would be given, when the boot is on the other foot.

How do you manage the kids at weekends - does your DH do an equal share? What other family/friends around could help out, either on weekends or for one of the days during the week? Could grandparents or someone else maybe take your DS to the park for a runaround so you have some quality time with your DD, as well as the nap time? Or can you split it so, say, your DH takes DS to the park and you take DD to the cinema, then switch the next Saturday?

Two of this age can be hard work, that's for sure. However, you do sound as if you are feeling very anxious about it and putting yourself under a lot of pressure. I would work on accepting being 'good enough' with the kids and not worrying too much if they kick off that you're being a crap parent. As others have said, the 'angels at nursery' pheonomenon is pretty common.

Food - I think you need to come up with a strategy for tackling this as it seems to be really stressing you. Quite a few people have recommended just letting DS eat what he will eat, as one option. You could also go the opposite direction and give them something, but if they won't eat it, don't get cross with them, just take it away but don't run around trying to get them to eat alternatives, giving in to requests for treats etc. If they're hungry they'll eat at the next meal. I've seen this recommended on the food section - maybe search there or post for some help on that?

peekachoo · 07/10/2011 21:47

isthiswierd has a fair point that MN is not fairly representative of society as a whole and, as such, responses will inevitably be skewed.

Perhaps a bit more effort, rather than "farming them out" would go a long way?

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 22:00

At some point in the future our dc will be sitting gcses, a levels, finals etc. It will be hard work for them, it will involve effort and dedication. It will be a short term sacrifice versus a long-term gain kind of thing.

And we may well have to explain to them that sometimes, in the short term, things are hard work and stressful, but that persevering can be really rewarding.

Yes, pre schoolers are hard work, and I absolutely empathise with the op. But the answer isn't necessarily to run away from it is it?

choceyes · 07/10/2011 22:28

I could have written this OP myself!

I have a nearly 3yr old DS and 14 month old DD and I too work Mon, Tues and Wed, so I have Thurs and Fridays with them. I have been back at work for just over a month now after maternity leave with DC2. By the end of ML, I was at the end of my tether with them, almost at the point of getting PND I'm sure.
now I am back at work 3 days a week, that has been my saviour.

My 2 days off work with the kids, are definitely much much hardler than work, and I also wonder why on earth I am doing not going to work when my 9am on Thursday, DS is screaming and tantrumming for some reason and refusing to put his coat on, refusing to brush his teeth, refusing to change clothes, refusing to walk anyway. The demands are endless. He is forever trying to hurt DD and I can never leave them both together, even to nip into the kitchen to get a meal ready. I feel like a slave, working non stop on Thurs and Friday.
DD used to be very clingy and always neede carrying, but since she started walking a month ago, she is much more independant now so she is not much hard work...at the moment.

However, I do enjoy some of the time with them, and I know they like being with me and I won't like to put them in nursery 5 days a week. I'd really miss them, and it is good for them to spend some time with me too.

So in a way YABU.......but I totally get what you mean!!

PetisaPumpkinHead · 07/10/2011 22:51

Isthisweird I do get what you're saying, hard as it is, I would not want to work while my dds are so small and have suffered financially as a result (and in terms of sanity) because it's only a few years and even though it's like torture sometimes it's also great fun and I really don't regret it... I can't imagine not seeing my dc from 9-5 Mon-Fri, and I really would hate it. But that's ME, we're all different.

My dp is working abroad and we've only seen him for 6 weeks in the last 11 months and I don't have much help atm so am with my 3.6 yo and 13 mo dds 7 days a week 21-24 hours a day, since we're counting but I don't judge the OP. We're all different, if she wants a few more hours away, then better take them than end up going nuts?

I don't think it's a good idea to stay at home with your dc if you don't want to. Lovely to have a choice to do what you want, and pretty rare! I do sometimes think that the more time away you get from your dc, the harder you find it to be with them and the more time away you want iyswim. Like when they go to school and then the hols are so hard.

PetisaPumpkinHead · 07/10/2011 22:52

chocleyes they must be squeezing ALL their bad behaviour into those 2 days, very clever of them

MrsBloodyTroll · 07/10/2011 23:00

YANBU. I used to work 3 days a week but had DC1 in nursery 4 days a week to give me some child-free time to get stuff done.

Would still be doing something similar if hadn't been laid off.

My 3yo is also angel at nursery, eats brilliantly, behaves, then a monster for me at home...

isthisweird · 07/10/2011 23:02

I know what you're sting too petis. And if the op said she couldn't bear it a moment longer, was struggling with depression etc etc then it wouldn't be saying this.

But what she's essentially saying is that she finds being at work less taxing than being at home. That she thinks it would be better if for her children if she only worked three days a week but that she wants to work four days because she finds it hard work looking after them.

And she's asking for opinions as to whether or not that is reasonable.

PetisaPumpkinHead · 07/10/2011 23:16

Yeah but she hasn't exactly said she cba either though... OP do you feel like a bit of a failure at it? What with family members saying you've made them that way? (v unfair and untrue - that's what toddlers and pre-schoolers are like) Maybe that's a factor too, you feel as they are better behaved at nursery they might as well be there?

You do sounds as if you are putting too much pressure on yourself! Swimming with both, by yourself? Wow, I'm impressed! Am thinking of it, but haven't ventured yet and think I'll need days to recover afterwards And you made lunch beforehand? You're supermum imo, 'fraid it would be chips here. And the dentist on the same day, are you nuts? Supermarket - order your food online. Or if you must, put them in the trolley and give them a snack and get round as fast as you can. I'm so so grateful to my dad he looks after my dds while I do supermarket dash. Could you not shop at the weekend?

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