DP taken DD out to meet woman and not told me

[BullyBeefBadgers]

DP has just got up, grabbed DD and said he's going out. He was halfway down the stairs when I yelled down that she needed feeding at 4.30 so could he get her back home by then. He replied "yes, dearest" and that was that. I know that he's gone to meet his. I have a bit of a problem with this friend as they have history and he talks to her about things that lately he refuses to talk to me about. I feel so angry and protective of DD though because of the way that he grabbed her and went without talking to me, letting me say goodbye etc. Hormones are all over the place so may be overreacting ... AIBU to want to race around the area frantically looking for DD? I know she'll be fine but surely he should check with me before whisking her out the door?

Chipping - parents are responsible for abuse that caused the issues so not going to happen. Cubiks- no you haven't overstepped your mark - its great to hear from someone who gets where I am coming from. No I don't tend to let him look after DD on own (Tbh that was the other reason I was worried when he took her out today). Sounds like the friend is more of a problem than I thought. Would encouraging time apart for them make things worse though?

Clouds - I don't have a great background tbh. and no-one was there for me when I needed them until DP - so I guess we help each other!

correct. cant compel treatment unless he is detained under mha
and you cant put your life on hold on what ifs
your priorities have to shift to the baby
hes adult appropriate intervention and treatment is available to him if he engages

would you consider a family support worker to help out?all sounds v overwhelming

given his impaired nutrition he cant be left alone to watch the baby.its too risky

It sounds like you help him, and he got you pregnant very young so now you're tied to him.

I don't mean to be blunt, but it's pretty obvious you'll have had a very difficult background proabably one where you didn't have much support or none at all, just because if you hadn't you'd be able to see this situation much more clearly. You and your dd deserve better than this. He didn't even put a coat on her to go out or let you and her say goodbye and he takes her to a woman he's emotionally betraying you with. That's not the act of a caring dad. It's not your "hormones" that made you feel protective of your dd, it's your instincts and your emotions that are extremely valid. Babies need a mother who is going to be able to protect them. Please don't ignore them or go into denial about them. They're reality, it's the rest of the stuff that's denial.

Bullybeef - he will resist you 'coming between' them, at least that's what I'd predict. He'll accuse you of all sorts of thing, deny how ill he is, maintain that she is the only person who understands him and makes him want to keep living etc, etc. Because she is part of his cycle of sickness - I'm sure she's not actively encouraging him to starve, but just by being with her in a 'normal' social setting, it makes it more socially acceptable for both of them to be the way they are - because they accept each other's ill behaviours.

If you encourage time apart, it really should be replaced with something positive - perhaps he could come to soft play with you and DD, or go to an eating disorders group. I went to an excellent group attached to a hospital unit, notwhich was very useful - you get to connect with other sufferers but in an environment that doesn't normalise or 'ok' the situation you're all in.

For what it's worth, I'm sure he loves you - eating disorder sufferers can be absolutely horrid to the people who are essentially their carers. I know I was the worst to the people who loved me most, becase I knew they wouldn't leave. He probably can't live without you - that's the card you have to play, and at some pint you may find yourself having to use it to save him and/or your relationship.

*point

Also, I must admit I agree with clouds - I understand that your DP is unwell, but whatever the source of his actions, they will still have consequences for you and your DD.

I know you're hoping he'll get better. It took me four years. I have a friend who has been anorexic for ten years. Just be aware that you may be living this life for a long time - if there is anything you can do to 'force' him into making changes, please give it a go. And don't be afraid to be harsh on him - it sounds like he needs it.

Well, at least if your post-baby sex life is anything like mine, there won't be much for your DP to confide to this friend.

YANBU.

oh and bullybeef I don't think encouraging time apart will work. He will just think you're jealous. But you can tell him you are unhappy with the situation and tell him to take whatever action he thinks is appropriate.

And I know someone else on here said it doesn't matter that the friend is female, but I disagree for what it's worth. I would never go off to another man and tell him about my sex life with my DP. Especially if it's complaints about it! Disrespectful.