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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP taken DD out to meet woman and not told me

83 replies

BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 15:46

DP has just got up, grabbed DD and said he's going out. He was halfway down the stairs when I yelled down that she needed feeding at 4.30 so could he get her back home by then. He replied "yes, dearest" and that was that. I know that he's gone to meet his. I have a bit of a problem with this friend as they have history and he talks to her about things that lately he refuses to talk to me about. I feel so angry and protective of DD though because of the way that he grabbed her and went without talking to me, letting me say goodbye etc. Hormones are all over the place so may be overreacting ... AIBU to want to race around the area frantically looking for DD? I know she'll be fine but surely he should check with me before whisking her out the door?

OP posts:
BruciesDollyDealer · 05/10/2011 21:03

what a weird thread

you sound like you both have big issues OP

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 21:04

Also karma - we have been together many years and he has always been kind. i have seen him through patches like this before and I can see that he's making progress with the help that I am giving him. Honestly he is incredibly kind and whilst one day (a bad day) he will be critical pick arguments and make me feel like a slave, we both know that this behaviour is a cry for help and those are the days when I've sat and held his head while he vomitted over and over again because he was struggling to keep and food down. I love him with every inch of my being and I recognise what you are seeing as arseholeness as suffering. Other days he is kindness itself and makes it all worthwhile. We just need to keep going and things will gradually improve - they have before and they will again.

OP posts:
Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 21:06

Anyway I will be namechanging as have ended up revealing far too much about myself and DP - which is frustrating as was getting support for DPs eating disorder on different thread. Thanks anyway ladies for comments.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 05/10/2011 21:17

It's your life, and only you can decide if he is worth keeping hold of. You clearly think he is, although I am struggling to see the kindness in his behaviour from your opening post. I don't know if his illness has affected his personality in the ways you describe or if he really is the arse your opening post describes him to be. I'm not sure being ill gives one a get out of jail free card to treat nearest and dearest badly.

Don't name change, if you are getting support elsewhere. You could ask mnhq to delete this thread, if it bothers you having all this information 'out there'.

I wish you well in the future.

scottishmummy · 05/10/2011 21:19

oh so much to deal with.no wonder youre bit frazzled
take care of yourself. take time to acknowledge the monumental changes of unplanned pg,wee baby, and dp eating disorder

you need someone in your corner looking out for you
who is available to You?pals?family

cloudsandwind · 05/10/2011 21:25

You're too young to be dealing with this. You sound like his carer or his therapist. How long have you been together if you're only 21? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

scottishmummy · 05/10/2011 21:27

if you feel compromised ask for thread be deleted.retain mn name
no one remembers names or who said what anyhoo

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/10/2011 21:28

OP, now that you've mentioned his anorexia (I haven't read your previous thread), it has rather reinforced my view that, in his head, you are reassigned to mother not partner. "Standing over him while he eats" - does that not just reek of mother and recalcitrant child? It is all too easy to fall into such a role without intending to, and not very easy to get back to where you should be.

I'm no expert on eating disorders, but isn't one of the commoner reasons why they develop the need for that person to feel they have control over something in their life? Did the unplanned pregnancy increase his feelings of life being outwith his control/increase his anorexia? Because that is an awful lot for you to deal with.

I am not advocating 'leave the bastard'. But I am advocating that you need to stop him from seeing you as his mother and reacting towards you as such. You need to get him to see you as his partner again.

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 21:28

Thanks karma and sorry - Im just finding it all so daunting and sometimes feel like im only 12 not 21 and may get a little ranty and defensive Blush

Scottish - at the moment no-one which doesn't help. My mum is going through an incredibly rough patch atm (whole other thread and issue) and all family are the other end of the country. I had work friends before baby but have now lost touch, so am basically trying to hold my own corner!

I do try and take time. Tbh everything just seems so unbelievably hard to face when I step back. DP is so ill and Im terrified for him. and its taken until now to even manage to get out the house to do a bit of shopping. Im trying my best though and hoping with time it will get easier. I find that sitting with a glass of wine in the evenings and having a "good cry" often helps! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 21:31

Whereyou: maybe but my priority is preventing him from being hospitalised. He is 6ft and just over 8stone. Doctors have told me on the phone that he musn't lose anymore weight. All very well to try and fix the relationship at a later date but right now this is what needs fixing.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 05/10/2011 21:32

I'm sorry too. I think my posts have sounded harsher than I intended them to . I don't want to make you feel worse when you have so much to deal with already.

scottishmummy · 05/10/2011 21:32

right get yourself to some mum activities and groups with baby.ask hv for details.meet some other mums, is there soft play etc near you, things for you.help the transition etc.and you do need to prioritise self and baby

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 21:34

also eating disorder developed due to physical abuse at home when he was young - he hated himself and blamed himself and so started self harming but then switched that to starving himself when parents confiscated sharp and harmful objects. It is a slow process in getting him to deal with the effect of the abuse, and only that can stop the anorexia.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 05/10/2011 21:35

is your dp known to ed team and cmht?what is their input
keep yourself and baby well, do some activities for self too
dont carry all on your shoulders,dont assume you have to save him or do this alone

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 05/10/2011 21:36

Is it possible that his friend is helping him to be anorexic, rather than helping him recover, if you see what I mean? Confused

Is she still suffering from anorexia, or is she recovering?

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 21:36

There is a group that Ive thought about taking DD too - have just felt guilty about leaving DP on his own. Maybe I should take the leap. Bless you Karma - it was my fault for not giving the full story. Lets say clean slate eh? Smile

OP posts:
cloudsandwind · 05/10/2011 21:37

You're taking on a therapists role though and it's not your job. At 21 you're far too young to deal with something like this. You can't be his punchbag and his therapist either.

What's your own background like that you accept mistreatment in the name of love?

unpa1dcar3r · 05/10/2011 21:39

Bully would you consider googling your nearest carers centre because let's face it, you're his carer! He has a disabling condition (disabling in the sense that it stops you both leading a normal life) and you are caring for him and trying to prevent further damage etc... and as you say you have no support it might be worth contacting them for some advice/support/a rusty shoulder etc.

You might be bang in love with him and that's grand but you also must remember your own needs; you're young, you're a mother and you have no one to turn to right now to support you. There is no shame in saying that you need someone for you too; someone a little detached might be better as they can see things from another perspective, an outside point of view, and may be able to lead you and/or him to gain some help, maybe even financially.

ChippingIn · 05/10/2011 21:39

Just ask MN to delete the thread - no need to namechange.

FWIW - I suggest sending him back to his parents to 'steer him in the right direction'/sort him out. You have your own life to sort out and your DD - I shouldn't think you need the stress of DP as well. You can't 'rescue' someone, they have to do it themselves

CubiksRube · 05/10/2011 21:39

OP, he sounds as if he needs to be hospitalised. As a former sufferer of a (severe) eating disorder myself, I can tell you that it is extremely difficult to love anyone else in the way that they deserve to be loved, and that includes partners and I would imagine children, too.

I understand that you're trying to keep him from being hospitalised and you are pouring all you have into him - until he WANTS to get better it will never be enough and you will remain the enemy, while he allows this other girl to actually communicate with him because, in a sense, she is him. I've seen a lot of eating disordered friendships, and they almost always break down if one of the friends manages to make strides towards recovery, because these friendships exist through simply mirroring each other and essentially wallowing together - or at least the majority of them.

My point being: your DP is very sick and cannot be a proper partner or parent while he is in this state. At that weight, he will be so undernourished that he won't be thinking straight and willl behave very badly. Please don't let him look after your child alone - the risk of hi passing out is real, and you don't want that.

I know I sound very doom and gloom. If your DP can begin to recover, that would be great, but it sounds like the current situation isn't working, particularly as the arrival of your DD makes it more time critical. I imagine he is getting a good deal of therapy and seeing a nutritionist but would advocate an inpatient approach, at least for a while ...

Hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries there.

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 21:40

Scottish-have tried everywhere! Obviously until he admits that he needs help there isn't anything they can do. They've been offering me support etc but its not really got us anywhere. Everythings in place to have him taken into a specialist unit and forced to have treatment if he should become hospitalised but until then no-one can step in. I think I will try the group Smile

She is still slightly anorexic. From what I know they both don't think they have a problem and spend most of their time talking about relationships, parents and TV - but it may be preventing progress yes.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 05/10/2011 21:41

Oh just read your other post - maybe sending him back to his parents isn't the best idea :(

However, I think you are taking on too much (especially at 21), to sort your own life out and your DD's is plenty, without sorting out DP as well. Does he have a brother or sister, or a friend he could live with? Clearly not 'the friend'.

cloudsandwind · 05/10/2011 21:41

Given that you say you need to drink several glasses of wine a night to cope with all this I'd say it was an unhealthy situation all round. This isn't a life for a 21 year old young woman, nor even more importantly a five month old baby. You say you're not going out with your baby because you need to tend to him. All your nurturing focus should be on your baby. An adult men, even with a mental illness, needs to be looking after himself.

scottishmummy · 05/10/2011 21:43

yes do priority you and baby.go groups meet people
as harsd as this willl sound he will get well when he has the volition,motivation,and support to be well.you know yourself no amount if crying,pleading,ingratiating,silence or shouting will compel him to change. he needs to take that responsibility,with help of professional others.it doesnt have all to be you. really.dont convince self you have to save him

go meet some mums
drink tea at soft play
there are often meet ups for young mums ask the hv

if his parents abused him,presumably they don't have access to your baby?if they are cruel or not to be trusted dont leave them with a baby

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/10/2011 21:45

"Everythings in place to have him taken into a specialist unit and forced to have treatment if he should become hospitalised but until then no-one can step in."
"my priority is preventing him from being hospitalised."
Then it is in his best long-term interests if you change your priority to looking after yourself, OP. So that you can be in a good place to help him be helped. He needs more than you can provide - more than ANYONE can provide. Please, stop punishing yourself for not having a magic wand that can make everything all right.