Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP taken DD out to meet woman and not told me

83 replies

BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 15:46

DP has just got up, grabbed DD and said he's going out. He was halfway down the stairs when I yelled down that she needed feeding at 4.30 so could he get her back home by then. He replied "yes, dearest" and that was that. I know that he's gone to meet his. I have a bit of a problem with this friend as they have history and he talks to her about things that lately he refuses to talk to me about. I feel so angry and protective of DD though because of the way that he grabbed her and went without talking to me, letting me say goodbye etc. Hormones are all over the place so may be overreacting ... AIBU to want to race around the area frantically looking for DD? I know she'll be fine but surely he should check with me before whisking her out the door?

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 05/10/2011 16:25

This is all very odd!

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 16:28

it makes me uncomfortable Justin ... but it was first year uni history so he thinks its fine (seems to forget that we were together at the time). anyway as he is still at uni I can't really do anything about it and as I've knuckled down and put on my grown up belt since DD arrived he has buried his head in the sand and just about managed to cope with all the fun bits of having a baby. we are in very different places and so he confides in "her" because they have more in common atm. Very annoying but I guess I let it happen because I was feeling vulnerable and had no confidence having just heaved out a baby 200miles away from all family and friends. bit hard to suddenly have a problem with something that I didn't before esp. when he claims its helping him "adjust". the only thing helping me adjust is several glasses of wine of an evening Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 16:31

You got me Philip - there is a smidgin of truth in it - since I am young I didn't have a career so quit my very menial job and wanted to SAH with DD. DP sees this as giving up and decided that as I had chosen to do nothing with my life I shpuld do a proper job of looking after him. this is not something Im prepared to do hence the problem. Im not from the '50s. I have no problem with doing housework etc while Im at home but he is a student so also at home - not going to race round after him cleaning up his mess. this attitude has not gone down too well Grin

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 05/10/2011 16:32

He sounds like a twat.

How about you decide never to serve 'master' again?

Can't see it being much loss to you, and if he stays in a permanent huff and walks out, you get the amazing bonus of never having to look at his sulky entitled little pout spout again!

VivaLeBeaver · 05/10/2011 16:32

DH often disapeears without telling me where he's gone. And thats without meeting another woman or taking dd. I'll turn round and he's no longer in the house, he rolls up 3 hours later after having gone into town, b&q, out for a run, where ever.

I don't mind him going out, I don't expect him to ask me if he can go out. However I do think he should tell me where he's off too and when he thinks he'll be back.

More so in OP's case when taking a small baby.

OP - I'd be pissed off that he's meeting another woman and sitting on the sofa texting her, etc. What would he say if you were meeting another bloke, texting him, having heart to hearts about your love life, etc.? Slippery slope if you ask me.

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 16:33

hand - YES!!! I have to put up with his tantrums on a regular basis. have just learnt to let it go right over my head - DD is more important until he grows up a bit

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 05/10/2011 17:11

OP, does he have ANY good points?

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 17:16

Grin yeah he does somewhere. Believe it or not hes a lovely guy most of the time! He just needs a bit of steering in the right direction

OP posts:
PedigreeChump · 05/10/2011 17:28

He sounds a bit annoying to be honest, but the whole thing about talking to a female friend about your sex life thing wouldn't really bother me. I don't see any difference when friends are m-f, f-f, or m-m. Nobody would be bothered if you had said "I confided in my best mate that DH and I have been having some difficulty communicating in the bedroom, and she said..."

happydotcom · 05/10/2011 18:34

That does sound odd . Do you know for sure he's discussing your sex life with this 'friend'?
It would make me v uncomfortable.
Turn the TV off and speak to him .

fedupofnamechanging · 05/10/2011 18:50

I can't see why you are still with him to be honest. Picking up the baby and walking out of the house without letting you know is rude and shows a lack of consideration for your feelings. It is sleazy to talk about your sex life, especially to someone he has history with and he is moody and expects you to run around after him.

I never understand why women post all this stuff and then say 'but he's lovely really'. No, he isn't lovely. He's a shit and you would be better off taking your baby and moving the 200 miles back home.

If he's not having an affair or trying to have one, then I would be very surprised.

ImperialBlether · 05/10/2011 19:05

I think he needs directing over the edge of a cliff! He sounds very selfish and immature.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 05/10/2011 19:28

So, he's confiding in a friend instead of you, he'll go mad if you turn the tv off as he's watching sport (clearly nothing he particularly cared about as he expected to be out), he took your baby without discussing it, he seemingly has no idea of her schedule if you had to tell him to bring her back for a feed, he expects you to clean up after him & is stroppy because you won't be his 'servant'?

Oh wow, I've been waiting for an opportunity to become a 'real' mumsnetter and here it is... 'leave the bastard!'

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/10/2011 19:30

I presume he is fairly young if he is still in university? And yet - "... since I am young I didn't have a career so quit my very menial job and wanted to SAH with DD. DP sees this as giving up and decided that as I had chosen to do nothing with my life I should do a proper job of looking after him." So, young, and wanting you to look after him - like his mother did? Sorry, but it sounds as if he has reassigned you from partner to mother - hence his tantrumming at you. I really think you should nip this behaviour in the bud and reassert that you are his partner and not his mother. And that there is no vacancy for his 'friend' to step into.

unpa1dcar3r · 05/10/2011 19:36

He is being unreasonable and if I were you I would insist on meeting her. I would also befriend her- keeping your enemies closer than your friends is always a good plan. She may then feel like poo for talking to your DH about you behind your back and you can chuck in the odd little dig about how bad his pants/socks smell. Also how he always p*sses all over the bloody toilet seat and doesn't clean up after himself etc...
The evil side of me says also stick a flake between his bum cheeks when he's asleep so when he wakes up he thinks he's poo'd himself and feed him cat food for a week.

akaemmafrost · 05/10/2011 19:36

Well when I was with ex, if he was in:

I would not have whisked 5 month old dc out of the door without talking to him and discussing first, not in an asking permission kind of way, in a common courtesy kind of way.

And I would have expected and got the same in return.

Oh and I would have ripped your DP's big flouncy head off by now.

minimisschief · 05/10/2011 19:38

imo you aren't telling the story right. nothing about the way you tell it makes no sense .

also you aren't even aware of where he has been or who he was meeting you are just making an assumption.

OurPlanetNeptune · 05/10/2011 19:42

what karmabeliever said.

No-one is perfect, but I really do not understand how anyone can honestly say this behaviour comes from someone 'lovely'.

OP, your DP is the baby in your household, and he is treating you with disdain and no respect. I have just read the OP to my husband and he thinks your DP is 'more involved with the other woman than he would have you believe' and he asks why any 'woman would stay with a man who clearly resents her'?

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 20:40

Alright everyone getting mumsnetty now! I don't need to leave the bastard and he is lovely. The confiding in the girl comes from the fact that (see my other thread) he is severly anorexic and so is she - so they have something in common which I cannot conbtribute to. The tantruming - in all honesty I can be a lot worse - we are both only just turned 21, this was an unplanned pregnancy and its been incredibly tough. we've both taken things out on each other and nitpicking arguments over silly meaningless things clears tension that we are both feeling in trying to cope with this sudden massive lifechanging responsibility. So yes he will make a comment about how I haven't done his washing, but I make equally as many comments about how he hasn't gone and done the shopping etc - its our way of clearing the air. The sex life thing is an issue, he shouldn't be talking to her about it but there is nothing sexual between them - it may sound incredibly naive but DP has never lied to me and I know he wouldn't now. he is not having an affair with her, but I am going to talk to him about today and the way he's been confiding in her.
Unfortunately the eating disorder is a big part of it all - he sees me as the enemy when I try and confront him about it. Obviously I can't be mr nice guy as i live with him and am struggling to keep him from utter starvation which does sometimes mean standing over him while he eats. yes thats not good and causes problems and resentment but have phoned helplines, spoken to GPs and until its life threatening or he admits its an issue there's nothing more I can do. Not drip feeding btw - just didn't realise OP would lead to "leave the bastard" and couldn't leave it like that.
Surely some of you can understand that Im not defending him but trying to explain the implications that having an unplanned pregnancy at 20 can have - esp. when one of you has been struggling with depression and anorexia for years. If you got this far well done!!

OP posts:
Feminine · 05/10/2011 20:46

Your situation is way more dire than you realize.

Sorry to tell you that. :)

I don't have any advice though,sorry...

fedupofnamechanging · 05/10/2011 20:48

Not wishing to be rude OP, but we judge the situation on what we read. Go back and read your post - it does not paint your partner in a good light at all.

If you felt there were extenuating circumstances, then the time to mention them was at the start.

And actually, I stand by my earlier comments. I had a baby at around this age - was pregnant as a student. My partner was also young and he never behaved like yours did. I appreciate the depression and anorexia are very hard, but you either let him treat you like shit or you don't. I would choose the latter.

It's utterly pointless to complain about his behaviour, then come back with 'he's not that bad, honest and I'm equally as bad'.

akaemmafrost · 05/10/2011 20:49

I would not stay with this man.

You have a child to think off and your situation sounds horrific. This WILL affect your child Sad.

I don't really know what else to say.

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 20:50

Ok fair enough

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 05/10/2011 20:57

I do admire all that you are doing to try and support him. It's a hell of a lot for you to deal with, as well as having a baby. But, he is not kind to you, doesn't appear to respect you or want the support you are offering. I think you need to consider what is best for you and the baby. I don't think this is it.

I'm know nothing about anorexia, but is it good for him to be too close to another sufferer. Will they support each other to get better, or, because he won't admit he is ill, will this other person only support him in staying anorexic? Might be a good idea to post on the health boards.

Original poster
BullyBeefBadgers · 05/10/2011 20:59

Actually no - not fair enough. Karma: you appreciate they must be hard. I don't think you can even begin to imagine what its like to have to force someone to eat the tiniest amount each day to prevent any further weight loss. Its harrowing. I will not leave someone to starve themselves because their attitude may infuriate and upset me some of the time. DD comes first and is shielded from as much as possible. She loves her dad and I don't think the fact that he doesn't eat should mean she should be denied a father. Every couple faces challenges but Im not just going to bugger off because its got tough. everyone is entitled to their opinion but no matter how much I write none of you will know what DP is like and what the best action is in our circumstances. Im making choices which are incredibly hard and Im doing my very best to help DP and to be the best mum I can be. I stand by my decisions and I believe they are right.

OP posts: