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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not give a crap about my dd message book

109 replies

spookshowangellovesit · 05/10/2011 09:49

my dd is at a AS unit they are fab, mostly. except for this one teacher i just dont seem to gel with. i have to admit that i am a pretty horribly disorganised person off the bat the type that will run round first thing in the morning with a half made pack lunch in one hand whilst trying to put on one childs jumper, comb anothers hair and get dressed all at the same time. (this was this morning)
my dd has a message book her teachers write in ever day it is mostly dd had a good day, was star of the week, dd was late today etc occasionally it will have instructions like need pack lunch or has school trip. i read it about once a week some times more when i remember too.i think that other parents perhaps write back in it or what ever but as it is mostly just what the child did that day i dont see it as all that necessary. the one teacher in particular takes real offence to this and went so far as to call me up over it and demand to know if i ever read my dd message book. i replied yes and she then said that she didnt think i did. and that it had important information in it and i needed to pay attention to it.
after this i tried to pay more attention to it, there were a couple of incidences of her shouting at me over my daughters shoes and trousers which actually made me lose my temper with her and since then she has been better, but today i open the bloody message book and there it is again... can you please read the information in here as it is important and may contain forms and things.
????? aibu am i over reacting, reading it back i think i might be actually.

OP posts:
NotTheBlinkingGruffaloAgain · 05/10/2011 17:22

I don't agree with the teacher communicating anything negative by use of this medium but she has to communicate with parents as part of OFSTED requirements, the relationship between you and her is important and unfortunately could have an affect on how your DD is perceived/treated.
I think you need to 'play the game' a bit more.

SenoritaViva · 05/10/2011 17:37

Why not use the message book to relay what you would like to see in it?

Write back and say

"Yes, I do read the message book, however, I find some of the comments unnecessary and would like to save you some time every day in communicating to me. If I assume that DD has a good day only let me know if there are things that need my help and support e.g. packed lunch for day out etc."

RhinoKey · 05/10/2011 17:49

But home diaries for SN children are invaluble - I honestly dont understand your problem, and to not 'give a crap' is awful.

If something had happened at school which meant your DD was anxious or upset and having meltdowns then you would want to know why surely - thats what the Diary is for. To try and get communication between you and your DD over what she has done that day.

imogengladheart · 05/10/2011 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 18:07

YABU my dd 4.5 has just started MS school and they do a communication book, it very valuable and I love reading what she has been up to at school. I also write down anything that could affect her day at school e.g. bad night, not much sleep, got a cold etc. If there is nothing to report I just make a short comment on what they teacher has written and sign my name. Its a great tool that helps us feel involved with dd when she is at school.

silverfrog · 05/10/2011 18:13

yes, yabu.

dd1 (ASD) has a home/school book too. at ehr last school, I had 2 sides of A4 to fill in, daily, under various headings (school sent 2 sides of A4 home too)

now I have a book, and write as much or as little as I need to.

it is to help with transitions - a way for you to let the school know that (maybe) your dd has had a meltdown over wearing trousers that day, so that is why she might seem out of sorts. or that she had no breakfast. or why she found her reading book too easy/hard. or a million and one other little things that might need to be conveyed.

if you are so moved, you could even ask for infor on her schoolwork, and comment on it in return.

some paretns have to fight and struggle to get thier schools to commit to even this basic, essential communication link.

pigletmania · 05/10/2011 18:13

OH no imogen Sad big hugs

SauvignonBlanche · 05/10/2011 18:20
imogengladheart · 05/10/2011 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster · 05/10/2011 19:50

spooks are you just annoyed because of the teachers tone? I would be too but the teacher has a poor. Give it a go and see how it goes, it might make a difference to your dc.

MangoMonster · 05/10/2011 19:52

Point not poor

AuntiePickleBottom · 05/10/2011 20:03

yabu mostly dd had a good day, was star of the week

to me if i read about my DS behaviour had been good in school he will get a treat.......his favorite dinner, extra story at bedtime 1/2 hour on the computer ect just to encourage more of that behaviour.

Also do the packed lunch the night before, get everyone clothes ready and get all bags packed....it will be less stresful in the morning

ilovesooty · 05/10/2011 20:05

I'm just Hmm that teachers take the time and trouble to communicate about your child's achievement and needs and the OP and some of you find yourselves inconvenienced by it.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 05/10/2011 20:41

Thing is many on this thread are parents of those with SN or who are NNT in some way. So we all seem to understand and accept that children are all unique with their own set of needs, talents, and personality. And yet if some of us as parents don't find it easy to slot into the NT/ expected behaviour pattern ie. we might be disorganised or overwhelmed by the demands made on us, or not understand what is being requested or why there is a need for it - then there seems to be little accommodation or understanding.
I think it's going too far when teachers or other professionals say YABU for not writing in the home-school book every day. Have they really asked themselves whether they might not be being slightly unreasonable themselves? Whilst it might be a great system for most, that doesn't mean it will necessarily suit every family. You might have to try another approach with some families, including asking for their feedback about it and what they would find helpful.

lisad123 · 05/10/2011 20:55

I really don't understand your logic op.!
Your child has a special needs and clearly she has quite a few difficulties if she's in a unit. The teachers are giving you information about your child, what's gone on and what future plans are, how can you nit think this is not important for a child with Asd??

We thrive on routine in our house with two girls with autism. I have two books to read an write in, it takes about ten mintues max!! It's helpful to know whats happened that day which can effect their behaviour but also helpful for school to know what sure of mood my girls are in and anything that may cause issue that day.

So yes yabu

desertgirl · 05/10/2011 21:02

I admit I find it very boring to have to initial two books every day which very rarely actually say anything (literally. The teacher/TA has to initial and I have to initial, but 90% of the time there is nothing else written down, and half of what is written is just a reminder of things we have already been told (eg swimming tomorrow). So I am slightly Envy that you actually get messages as a reward for reading your book :) (this is just standard in my kids' school, it isn't a SN thing).

I don't suppose it is unreasonable not to care about it, but it must be pretty frustrating for the teaching staff if they feel that you aren't entering into the communication they are trying to have - maybe you can turn it round with this teacher, presumably you are stuck with him or her for at least the next several months

Original poster
spookshowangellovesit · 05/10/2011 23:00

next 3 years as she will be in the unit till she goes to secondary school, so i hope my new found spirit of message book cooperation will heal some rifts .
very presumptuous to assume that since my dd is in the unit she has quite a few difficulties with her behaviour or what ever, as i said in previous posts she is doing amazingly well.
when i say that every message is dd had a great day today that is because she is having great days she has gone from a non verbal child "written off" as sld and pretty incapable of learning, (she was only given a placement at this unit because i was a pushy cow rather than being sent to a sld facility) to being integrated with the main stream classes nearly every day for various classes.
most of the teachers can not believe she is the same child that started at the nursery there.
that is also why i said the book does not really work for me as it would for other in notifying parents of reasons for melt downs and such but i can see how it would be useful for parents that had those issues.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 05/10/2011 23:19

Im with Jugglingwith3shoes.

I have an Autistic son, he struggles with homework/remembering stuff to bring in....and so do I !!

I too am 'terminally disorganised' always have been.

Sometimes I think teachers can underestimate the struggles and stresses that occur over the evening in a NNT household.

Reading journals/homework diaries etc are not a priority, if we get the reading homework done its a fucking miracle...do we really need to document it?

Robotindisguise · 05/10/2011 23:33

Can I ask why the teacher shouted at you about your DD's shoes and trousers?

Original poster
spookshowangellovesit · 05/10/2011 23:57

she had said the day before that her trousers were too long. i didnt really agree but for the sake of keeping the peace i sent her in an older pair the next day and when i went out bought her some leggins and a skirt so we wouldnt have the trouser issue again. when i got to the office she came out with dd ( she usually comes out on own) and began to berate me loudly for sending her in in such bad clothes and how i should know better. that other children will mock her for wearing clothes like this and i shouldnt ever send her in in clothes like this again.
the trousers were fine a bit old and a bit raggy at the back near heel and a bit short in the leg. the she said her shoes were not up to standard because they took to long for her to get in to and out of for PE.
i sort of stood there for a second and then i basically said the reason that my dd was wearing those trousers was apparently her new ones were not up to her standard and i was not in a position financially yesterday to go out and replace perfectly good school trousers oh her say so. as i was not in the position to replace shoes either (though she had a point with the shoes tbh) but would do when able.
she got very defensive and started to maintain she was just trying to be helpful and didnt understand why i was being like that and left.
the people in the office were very shocked at her behaviour asking what had caused the out burst and i said her trousers and they said she must be having a bad day and laughed it off.

OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 06/10/2011 00:43

I do think YABU to not indicate in some small way that you have read the contact book, initials would be fine. Every day I have to write in two contact books for children in my class (mainstream primary) who have ASD. I have to do this whilst simultaneously teaching 30 children and the time it takes means my class often go without a story at the end of the day as I'm writing in contact books. However, I only write in it on days that someone from home has indicated that they've read what I wrote on the previous occasion - if there's no initial/comment then I leave writing in it until someone from home does.

AmberLeaf · 06/10/2011 01:07

I have to do this whilst simultaneously teaching 30 children and the time it takes means my class often go without a story at the end of the day as I'm writing in contact books

Sorry to pick on your post SE13Mummy! but can you sort of apply your reasoning to a parent at home trying to deal with an ASD child...possible siblings....meltdowns etc etc and see why even indicating via initials never mind reading a contact book is sometimes problematic?

skybluepearl · 06/10/2011 04:28

why don't you try and get everything ready the night before - uniform, reading book, lunch, bag etc ...

skybluepearl · 06/10/2011 04:30

you really need to be working with the school for your child sake. just flick through and sign your initials. takes 2 seconds.

Robotindisguise · 06/10/2011 09:03

I think you're going to have to accept your teacher has you down as an uncaring parent. That's no judgement on you as far as I'm concerned - I'm sure she's wrong about that - but you're going to have to put some legwork in to correct the misconception. In your position I would make a point of reading and commenting on the book for the foreseeable, and maybe if appropriate ask for a meeting to discuss your DD's progress.

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