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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to not give a crap about my dd message book

109 replies

spookshowangellovesit · 05/10/2011 09:49

my dd is at a AS unit they are fab, mostly. except for this one teacher i just dont seem to gel with. i have to admit that i am a pretty horribly disorganised person off the bat the type that will run round first thing in the morning with a half made pack lunch in one hand whilst trying to put on one childs jumper, comb anothers hair and get dressed all at the same time. (this was this morning)
my dd has a message book her teachers write in ever day it is mostly dd had a good day, was star of the week, dd was late today etc occasionally it will have instructions like need pack lunch or has school trip. i read it about once a week some times more when i remember too.i think that other parents perhaps write back in it or what ever but as it is mostly just what the child did that day i dont see it as all that necessary. the one teacher in particular takes real offence to this and went so far as to call me up over it and demand to know if i ever read my dd message book. i replied yes and she then said that she didnt think i did. and that it had important information in it and i needed to pay attention to it.
after this i tried to pay more attention to it, there were a couple of incidences of her shouting at me over my daughters shoes and trousers which actually made me lose my temper with her and since then she has been better, but today i open the bloody message book and there it is again... can you please read the information in here as it is important and may contain forms and things.
????? aibu am i over reacting, reading it back i think i might be actually.

OP posts:

kat2504 · 05/10/2011 10:47

Look, most kids don't have these message books and all you have to do is initial the diary once a week. Message books, or home-school books are for children with special needs. It would be ridiculous if every single child had one and all their teachers and parents had to write in it every day, but in some cases, it is an important part of meeting the child's needs, for example if they can't record their own homework or be relied upon to relay information to their parents about when certain kit is required. If you have a child with special needs surely you would want to be supportive of whatever the school is doing to cater for their needs?

ElaineReese · 05/10/2011 10:49

I think you YWNBU to forget sometimes - and if you did, for the teacher to shout, if she did, would be unreasonable.

But you are unreasonable not to give a crap about it, when they are trying to keep in contact with you and keep you involved in what your child is going.

Damsel, it would surely be more trouble to write that niggly little note than it would just to initial the planner? As well as much less inflammatory!

grubbalo · 05/10/2011 10:54

Just amazing

Do you think they are asking you to read it to make your life more difficult, or because they might think it could possibly help your child? Do you really honestly not have 5 minutes after your children have gone to bed to do this? I do get that it's hard to fit everything in, but surely there is 5 minutes while you are catching up on TV or just sitting there that you could have a look at the book? Not to please the teacher but because you might actually give a crap about what they are saying about your child?

I really don't get it at all and it sounds like this terrible teacher doesn't either - my son doesn't have SN but I struggle to get out of him what he does at school all day and love it when I get an insight into what happens when I'm not around.

DamselInDisarray · 05/10/2011 10:57

I do have a child with special needs actually and I still find all this utter nonsense.

ElaineReese · 05/10/2011 10:57

I always want to know what's in the planner, anyway! What else is reasonable not to give a crap about - newsletters, texts, phone calls?

At secondary, it's so they know you know if the child got a comment for bad behaviour or whatever, and so you sign it to show them that the child isn't hiding stuff like that from home. I think it's good!

Floggingmolly · 05/10/2011 10:58

It's the schools way of communicating with you, would you refuse to take a phone call from them because you're too busy? It's the work of seconds, just do it

DamselInDisarray · 05/10/2011 10:58

It might be less inflammatory, but in a situation where the teacher was clearly speaking down to me inflammatory is what I'd be going for.

slavetofilofax · 05/10/2011 11:01

YABVU

Communication between caregivers and parents is very important, the teachers don't just write in there for the sake of it.

You are actually being quite rude and disrespectful not to bother, because it shows that you don't actually care about the effort they put in, or about what your ds has done that day.

Your problem with the teacher is a separate issue, but I can well understand why she doesn't like you.

Stop being so lazy, make the effort to be organised, and just read the sodding book!

DamselInDisarray · 05/10/2011 11:02

I will just say again, that I have no intention of 'defending' myself. However, if you add up all the 'just 5 minutes' that people talk about, it's a lot of time. We all have our priorities and signing planners is not one of mine. I do it, usually, but it irritates me every single time.

Even if I were just sitting at home in suspended animation waiting for my kids to come home, I'd find it irritating.

grubbalo · 05/10/2011 11:02

Totally agree that the teacher shouldn't be talking down to a parent - but it also might be worth considering why they are speaking to someone like they are a child. Could it be that they have tried other alternatives and are at the end of their tether?

worraliberty · 05/10/2011 11:06

Blimey talk about a drama out of a crisis

Just read it every day and initial it

These people are trying to educate your child...they're not trying to make your life a misery.

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 05/10/2011 11:06

YABU - ASD is a primarily a communication disorder, so you need to be the one who communicates for your dd while she learns how!

cwtch4967 · 05/10/2011 11:06

YAB Very U

I have a child in special school and the home / school book is vital for good communication between us! I read it everyday and often respond to the teachers comments and include my own notes - ie if DS has had a bad night etc I find the book vital and I take ds to and from school myself, and have face to face contact with his teachers daily.
I really think you should be making more of an effort to ensure good communication between you and the school for the sake of your child. Reading the book once a week - that is just not good enough!

WannaBeMarryPoppins · 05/10/2011 11:09

Could you not read the book in the evening? That way it wouldn't add stress in the morning.

I think it's important to stay up to date with school stuff like that. If you only read it once a week your child might miss out on something as he needed things faster or whatever.

squeakytoy · 05/10/2011 11:15

However, if you add up all the 'just 5 minutes' that people talk about, it's a lot of time. We all have our priorities and signing planners is not one of mine

So knowing what your child has been doing, or needs to do, is not a priority in your life then? How strange.

post · 05/10/2011 11:16

I have a child with asd too. I think the books are used so much because our children are often not able to communicate as well as other kids, op, and has been said above, it's to help them
Our dcs can have unusual behaviour, or big mood swings, or big reactions to things. It's really helpful for our dcs if the people who are with them in the daytime know if they've not been sleeping well, or have got a new phobia, or if they're completely fine at home, or acting up a bit, or whatever. And likewise useful for you to know what kind of day she's had at school.

How about, you could look at it when dd first gets home, as part of a 'how was your day today, oh I see you did such and such' chat?

Not getting at you at all, I know our lives can be full on, but why are you feeling upset about them asking you to read the book?

aldiwhore · 05/10/2011 11:19

Actually, signing your name shouldn't take more than 2 seconds, and reading entries every day only takes about 1 minute.

I'm very disorganised, so got myself into a routine/habit. Kids come home from school, I go through their folders, I write what I need to on the calendar, I sign what bits I need to, takes about 3 minutes start to finish.

Freeze a week's worth of sandwiches, although even when running late it takes only a short time to make up every day. If its a massive logistical problem, school dinners may be the way forward?

You don't have to give an actual shit about it, though I personally DO, but a signature is helpful to teachers.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/10/2011 11:21

My son has a homework diary with a section for messages from teachers, for each week there is space for three signatures - my son's, his registration teacher's, and mine. That way we each know that the other two are informed. I don't consider it an imposition to sign it and let the teacher know I've received all messages to date.

You describe yourself as "a pretty horribly disorganised person". Fine, but is your disorganisation causing others problems, e.g. wasting time that they could spend more productively chasing you up to check you got their message? Or your DD not coming in with something you should have provided, because you hadn't read the message?

I think you need to give that some thought - being disorganised is something to try to overcome, not a badge of honour. I'm sorry if that sounds nasty, I don't mean it to, but I think you're treating your disorganisation as something you want other people to accept and just live with; and perhaps you should be treating it as something you're trying to overcome.

Nowtspecial · 05/10/2011 11:23

Shouting at you about trousers and shoes sounds bizarre, what was that about then ?
You have to disengage your ego, the book is not a battle of wills, it's about your child, not you. Bite the big one and do your job.
I can't stand bureaucratic bullshit that sometimes raises its head regarding children with SN ( I have one ) either but YABU.

stealthsquiggle · 05/10/2011 11:25

OP, since you asked - YAdefinitelyBU. Even for DC with no special needs, we have home-school books - and if I write something in there (DC going to after school care, or being picked up by someone else, etc) then the teacher initials it to acknowledge that she has read it, and if she writes something (other than "well done DC, great reading") which needs acknowledgement then I just sign to say I have read it.

TBH I usually check the book while DC riot around the playground for 2 mins at pick-up, and initial it in the car the next morning before they go in - unless there is something that really does need a fuller response. So it's not even "just 5 minutes" - it's just 30 seconds to check on things going on in my DC's life.

There are lots of things which I file under "life is too short to..." but 30 secs a day to communicate with the people who care for and teach my DC is not one of them.

Flowerista · 05/10/2011 11:28

I enjoy reading the message books.

The teacher writes little helpful and insightful comments.

I write comments back that she can use as talking points with DS whilst she's doing all those unimportant things like teaching him to read.

This teacher sounds frustrated and has perhaps spoken tersely, but why would anyone take a deliberately confrontational approach toward a person trying to educate their children [baffled emoticon]

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 05/10/2011 11:28

Flipping heck, why should your DD suffer because of your disorganisation or general lack of interest?
You could have read that book in the time it took the write the post complaining about it.
You could forgive the teacher for thinking she's dealing with two children here, not one. Grip up.

helpmenow · 05/10/2011 11:29

Maybe write back with: I do read this. I am under no obligation to provide you with proof of it. Please stop treating me like I'm a child in your class. Thanks.

Crap advice.

From the OP ????? aibu am i over reacting, reading it back i think i might be actually.

I don't think posting in AIBU was the best place

Take a deep breath, remember that the book is just a tool to help you all get the best for your daughter and read and initial it in the evening.

HTH

BruciesDollyDealer · 05/10/2011 11:35

Flipping heck, why should your DD suffer because of your disorganisation or general lack of interest?

agree with this. Maybe your disorganisation & general lack of interest actually contributes to her problems in some way

you are giving out the message that nothing anyone except you does has any value and your time is way more important than having to use it to read trivia about your child

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 05/10/2011 11:37

Cor, I dunno how I manage each day. I have two dcs who autism therefre two books to read. Which takes mere seconds out of my day.

Yabu btw. And a pain in the arse.

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