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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be exhausted with my friend's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

318 replies

LemonDifficult · 04/10/2011 22:33

My friend has been diagnosed with CFS. Over the past 6 months or so she's been struggling with tiredness. She's had blood tests which found nothing, she's looked into herbal medicine and so on. A couple of weeks ago the GP said it's CFS.

During the past few months she has become more and more self absorbed. She is single, she wants to meet someone and have a family and is feeling the pressure as she's in her late 30s. Along with this taking up much of our conversations, she talks constantly about her tiredness, or just other aspects of her life. Almost nothing about me, except on a couple of occasions some bitter digs about how parents are so rude/thoughtless/whatever. I'm sympathetic but beginning to get sick of it. I'm also sad about it because we have been great mates. I try, I really do, but my frustration with her is getting the better of me.

If she was to ask me I'd say I think it's depression or stress by another name with sleepy side-effects, but if I so much as hint at that I get the brush off. In my view, she needs a serious amount of counselling to deal with the trauma of losing both her parents when she was young and various other issues that have come up along the way. She has barely had a proper relationship - the last one was 12 years ago. That the CFS might be in anyway be a MH issue is a non-starter with her.

So AIBU? Is this CFS absolutely out of my friend's hands? And at what point am I allowed to say, 'I've done my duty as a mate and listened to how hard it is not being able to get up until noon. Now I'm fed up with your jellyfish comments about the evils of 'screaming babies' or whatever'?

OP posts:
jollymary · 08/02/2012 15:07

My goodness, some of you are horribly judgemental. All the best to you and your friend, OP,there have at least been SOME helpful thoughts. Would love to know how you get on.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 08/02/2012 16:56

I know this is old but I just wanted to chime in...

Op I think you are definitely nbu, and I say that as someone who is on the 'other side' of this

I don't have CFS but I am severely disabled and have constant pain and fatigue, this has only been for the last three years so I fully understand the life changing aspect

But I still try to be a good friend/wife/daughter/mum, I do of course talk about how difficult I find things, but I also take an interest in other people

I find it quite insulting to people with a disability/illness that we are all expected to be self-absorbed nightmares

You sound like you have been a great friend OP

Alwayshome · 08/02/2012 17:16

Hey sleepyowl, that does seem judgemental now I read it back and I def should of clarified what felt a bit off to me.

ME is not depression and positivity and focus will not magic those lovely symptoms away. I know the despair of being bedridden and losing all that you consider your life and yourself to be.

Please forgive me, I don't know you or what paths you have been down to recover your health but to clarify, the amount you wrote last night seemed strange. At the level of health you describe why would you use your precious energy in that way? You mention devastation and loss a great deal particularly about your friendships and I felt that behind all the words there was grief and isolation and loneliness going on, none of which helps in getting well. Also yes some rigid beliefs about this illness, that relationships and children are not possible, that you can't participate in the joys of life or enjoy all the things you used to, that only a small minority make a full recovery, that it is unpredictable.
That is not my experience.

When I said I got better gradually it sounds too passive and gentle! It was messy, distressing, illuminating and funny. I fucked up over and over. I do believe it helped me to stay flexible and open and not too attached to any particular school of thought. I took ideas from everywhere, even CBT! My only criteria was ' does this make me feel better?' Eventually enough pieces of the jigsaw came together.

And that's not everyone's path I know for sure.
Much love.

interregnum · 08/02/2012 17:16

Sleepy you will probably know better than me,

I know there is no diagnostic marker, no easy blood test and a me diagnosis
follows after eliminating the myriad other possibilities,but the research that I
have read do point out abnormalities.

Muscle biopsies to indicate diseased tissue, abnormal mitochondria shown under
an electron microscope, spectral analysis of eeg, poor recovery from exercise etc

Are these not being done on a cost basis,out of ignorance, or considered too
invasive/painful for already chronically ill patients ?

Or is it as there is no "magic pill" available a more reliable diagnosis is ultimately
pointless.

sleepyowl12 · 08/02/2012 19:45

Alwaysathome, thank you for taking the time to reply. Yes, I've tried numerous therapies and treatments in the 13 years of having this illness, spending a lot of money, none of which signficantly helped the M.E, including one year of weekly acupuncture. The things that have helped is good pacing, time and I believe prayer.

Like many illnesses, there is a spectrum from mild to very severe M.E and as I said although some people do thankfully recover, many, although they may make improvements, find full recovery is elusive and they can have good years and bad years. It's very unpredictable. Obviously a diagnosis of CFS/M.E does not mean everybody will be severe and that one can't definitely have relationships, manage part time work or raise children, although even with moderate to mild M.E it would not be easy, but not impossible with the right support network etc.. However, my experience for the last 8 years has been severe, moderate for 5 years before that, and I 've been too ill to work, form a relationship or have children. My child bearing years are almost over (am 41) so it is looking likely that I will not be a mother which is a loss but one I accept.

You noted sadness and grief in my posts about the loss of two close friends and i readily admit I do still grieve over them. I started to have counselling a few years ago about the losses that come with illness, but then my health deteriorated and I couldn't carry on visiting the counsellor. When my health improves, I think I will try and get counselling to help with the hurt I feel about my two friends. I am lucky that do I have a wonderfully supportive family, two fantastic friends who have stuck by me and have made some good M.e friends too. Day to day I don't get too upset about the complete loss of one friendship and rare contact with the other (although I know they see each other), but something this week reminded me of them and it brought it all to the fore, so obviously I haven't dealt with it completely.

But, as said, I think just because there is some grief in my life does not mean this is preventing me getting better. You think it's strange that I used my limited energy to write on here. Maybe, but I am housebound and single and one thing i can do now from my bed or sofa is use the pc if I pace it, so unlike many people i do have time to write. Lemondifficult's problem with her friend reminded me of a similar situation and i felt compelled to write. Funnily enough with my friend who bailed we actually never talked about my illness, but I could tell she didn't accept my physical limitations which made our friendship so difficult.

Interregnum, yes, you are right there has been some muscle tissue studies showing problems with mitochrondria. Some of them as far back as the early nineties, yet despite a lot of individual research studies showing abnormalities there has been no cohesive strategy to translate them into a diagnostic marker and mainstream medicine has ignored a lot the research that has been done. As to why this has happened, patient groups and M.E charities have various theories and I think it probably is due to a combination of reasons, such as ignorance, cost, practicality and so on. Things are starting to slowly change, with more research going on and hopefully a change of attitude in various institutions about M.E, with them starting to take it a bit more seriously. But according the doc of one m.e charity it's like trying to change direction of an oil tanker, it's a slow process, but one that is starting to happen, thankfully. Sorry for another long post!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 08/02/2012 22:43

Marking place again.

Obeeon3 · 23/09/2018 04:38

maybe try to think how you would like to treated by people if you were unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with a life changing illness & go from there

Obeeon3 · 23/09/2018 04:41

You can't have ME for a while!

AllyMcBeagle · 23/09/2018 06:43

This is a zombie thread 🧟‍♀️

Why are you resurrecting a thread from 2012 Obeeon3? It is very unlikely the people who posted will see your comments.

Housingcraze · 23/09/2018 13:52

CFS/ME you can’t have it for few years or months it’s their for life????

Twotailed · 23/09/2018 14:15

YABU not to recognise CFS as a real and life-altering illness. If you can’t support her on those terms, you can’t support her full stop.

Twotailed · 23/09/2018 14:16

Oops zombie 💀

Rosered1235 · 23/09/2018 14:28

Your friend has a serious, life changing physical disability which no doubt is causing her to feel depressed. And how could she not? This condition, particularly at her age, may mean that she cannot have a family of her own and of course it will take a huge toll on her day to day life in any event. She’s bound to feel bitter and depressed. A few months is nothing. It’s going to take a long time for her to come to terms with it. That said, if she is depressed then it may help her to consider some formal counselling and a support group with others affected by the condition. Perhaps you could suggest that? Other than that I think you need to continue to be patient with her. It can be hard on friends and family when someone close to them suffers serious depression or other mental illness. If you need to, cut down on the frequency of your contact with your friend for now, but don’t cut her out completely - you may be the only friend she has.

AllyMcBeagle · 23/09/2018 14:48

THIS THREAD IS FROM 2012!!!!

THE OP IS UNLIKELY TO READ RESPONSES NOW SO I SUGGEST PEOPLE STOP RELYING.

Sorry for shouting. I wish people would stop resurrecting zombie threads 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️

AllyMcBeagle · 23/09/2018 14:48

*replying

EmilyRosiEl · 23/09/2018 15:56

Wow your poor friend- no kids, a chronic illness, no parents, no DP- what a difficult life.

Equally she cannot just talk about herself all the time or bash parents. Tell her that but also stay friends with her if you can!

Maybe talk to your friend about finding solutions rather than problems but also do be aware that ME is often triggered by a virus or other triggering illness and lots of recent research indicates that it is a physical condition.

EmilyRosiEl · 23/09/2018 15:58

Oh dear 2011 thread- who resurrected this one?!

Goth237 · 23/09/2018 16:12

I'd say I think it's depression or stress by another name with sleepy side-effects

You're a nasty person. If you had any idea how awful CFS is, and I wish you did have a clue, then you wouldn't be saying that. My friend is in agony every day. And the exhaustion is an awful thing. He is also wheelchair bound. To suggest that it's all in your friends head is just disgusting on your part. And dismissive and just bloody rude. It's not something your friend will ever get rid of, btw. And not something which can be diagnosed with blood tests. I hope your friend finds someone better and then they won't have to be a burden to you anymore.... FFS

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