I know this thread was written some months ago, but i felt compelled to write something as it made me very sad.
Firstly, I think it's important to be clear what m.e/Cfs is. M.E is not depression, nor is it tiredness/ sleepiness. It's a very disabling physical condition, recognised by the World Health Organisation as a neurological illness, affecting the central nervous system, immune, cardiac and endocrine systems.. The main symptoms are extreme exhaustion, muscle and nerve pain, sensitivity to noise, light, smells, disordered sleep (either interrupted, hypersomnia, or insomnia) and the chief component of true M.E, post exertional malaise which means all these symptoms are made worse by mental or physical exertion, which depending how severe the person has M.E can be as little as brushing one's teeth or for those who are functioning at a higher level, a short walk, too long conversation etc...
This illness changes the sufferer's life completely, they may have to give up work, or only work part time, they can no longer participate in activities they used to enjoy, such as exercise, travel, going out with friends for dinner. They may only be able to manage an hour tops chatting to a friend before they reach their energy limits, maybe even less, maybe more.
This is true M.E. With depression the person does not want to do things, with M.E/CFs they want to do them, but they are too ill to do them. Depression is a horrible condition and so is M.E but they are completely different and what might help a person with depression will not help a person with M.E. On this thread there was the suggestion that people with M.E do not like being told they have a mental health illness. This is not because they somehow think a mental health illness is inferior it is simply that they know that isn't what they have got and the treatments/suggestions for managing the depresssion are not going to help a person with M.E. Eg exercise, going out for a dinner with a friend may help someone with depression, for M.E, the person would love to do these things, but can't. For a friend to suggest they are not choosing not to is painful.
Lemondifficult, if your friend has M.E and not depression, to suggest to her that she has not M.E but depression is not helpful, in fact it's very isolating and hurtful. You are sadly denying her reality - that she can no longer do the things she once did. She is also facing that if she has this disabling illness, such things as relationship, having children are not going to be possible. She is facing huge loss. Anyone dealing with such loss needs support and love, not the suggestion that she isn't dealing with these huge symptoms and she could choose to change it. You say you are worried she might be giving up on a career, having children. The horrible reality of M.E is that she may have to give these up through no choice of her own but due to the disabling symptoms of CFS/M.E.
Now because there is no diagnostic test for CFS/M.E occasionally someone with CFS/ME if they have an inexperienced doctor may wrongly diagnose the person with depression as having CFS/M.E. People with depression do not have post exertional malaise, where they feel worse if they go over their limits.
THe medical world have been really bad in understanding and researching M.e and even though the symptoms are discrete, some doctors don't understand it enough and make a wrong diagnosis. You said though that your friend used to be active, lively, warm so it sounds to me that the diagnosis is correct. Nobody chooses to live the life CFS imposes on you, it is very restrictive. She may well be picking up on you not actually accepting her new reality and finds herself justifying herself more which in turn can be irritating. The most helpful thing you can do for your friend is to believe that she is ill and that she is dealing with life changing illness.
If you continue to deny her reality, you will do much damage and the friendship cannot continue. She is facing huge loss and she probably can sense that she may be losing you too. You say she accepts an invitation to go out and then moans the next day that she feels ill. This is how M.e works. If you do too much the symptoms will be worse the next day. With time, a person with M.E gets better at managing their limited energy resources by keeping within their limits, but a supportive network really helps in the person sticking to this. She probably agrees to come out with you all because she doesn't want to miss out but hasn't the confidence to say she can't as she feels she will be forgotten or that could you help her by booking a restaurant nearer to home, not staying out for so long or doing something at her home.
One person here mentioned how people with CFS/ME seem to give up and gave an example of someone who knew who had a good job and is now divorced and housebound. It made me so sad, if not a little bit angry, that the person on here suggested that they had chosen to live such a miserable existence, housebound, workless. THis person had no choice in this, the physical symptoms mean the person can't ignore their exhaustion and go out. With M.E if you push, the illness gets worse. People can become so disabled that they are bedridden and tube fed for years. Like many illnesses, there is a spectrum from mild to severe. If not managed properly people can find the m.e gets worse. For most people with m.e/CFs it is a lifetime illness, only a small minority make a full recovery. Many can improve, sadly some don't or even become more disabled. The illness fluctuates and relapses can happen. With someone for a few years functioning at moderate, only to become severe for a few years, or months. Improvements can also happen, it is unpredictable. There are no recognised effective bio medical treatments and the only thing a person can do is manage the condition through pacing rest and activity which will be different depending on how bad the M.E/CFs is.
As a friend of someone with M.E, they can choose to stick by their sick friend, believe them, ask them how they can help, what the person can and cannot manage, or they can say my friend can no longer do what he/she used to and i am not willing to accommodate her changing needs and so I am out of here. Lemondifficult, do you value you friend, do you want to help her, accept her reality, find out more about how the illness affects her and find ways together you can still spend time together, or do you want to deny what's going on and blame her for not working/ pulling herself together, adding hurt on to an already difficult situation? Please don't suggest she isn't really experiencing all these horrible symptoms and just needs help to sort out problems from childhood. She may have these problems but they can be separate to her CFS and not the cause. Just as someone can have childhood problems and then get M.S, parkinsons, diabetes, cancer and so on..
Finally, even the person who is ill does have some responsibility in still showing support for their non ill friends. Her being insensitive to you is not on. However, she may have picked up on that you are not accepting what is happening to her and so she has become more rude.
By now I think you have guessed that I have M.e. I have had it for 13 years. I have had to give up a career, raising a family, travel, and a social life. I am currently housebound. I once used to travel the world I now can't even get down my stairs. Out of four good friends, two have stuck by me and two bailed. Losing so much and then losing friends is very, very hard. I think one bailed because she truly believed as you do that i somehow was depressed and chose this limited life. This was so hurtful. We could have remained friends, it would have been different to before as i can't do the same things. She wasn't willing to accept my reality. Also for you Lemondifficult if you won't accept her reality, yo uare going to be very frustrated too as you see her choosing not to sort herself out rather than the reality that she had no choice getting ill. A chronic illness is a huge life change, either friends say i want to stick by you and help you, or friends don't. You need to be honest with each other, hear each other's fears, grievances, both be willing to compromise. IT is possible to maintain the friendship if you are both willing to be honest with each other and adapt to the new circumstances this illness brings. Only you know whether you want to support your friend.
As I was so cut off from the world due to being ill, I did love to hear about what was going on in a friend's life, but I could only do so if they accepted that I was ill. I really hope you can sort this out. If she has been a good friend, please don't give up on her. The things you do as friends may have to change but you can still be in each other's lives.