AIBU to expect OH to make his money last til payday?

[glitternanny]

We had a massive row last night over £. I asked him during the day if he'd got his prescription yet and he said no - he hasn't got any money - he's got £30 til payday (in 10 days time!) which would be fine if he didn't need to get food for his working days, get petrol and have next weekend off and then 4 days annual leave and undoubtedly want to spend some money on beer and coffees and stuff.

He cut his budgets (normal budgets for spending money £50, food for work £90, prescriptions £50, petrol £95) down last payday to get through the month as he'd taken 2 days off sick to go to a BBQ on the saturday and then was 'ill' on the sunday and didn't get paid so lost £140 in his wages.

I earn a lot more than him (me £1700 pm, him £1300) and some of his spending is on his car payments which I don't have. Though I pay the entire mortgage and bills are split 60% (me) and 40% him to try and make it fair.

Every month we have this conversation, he runs out of money and he "borrows" from me or uses my credit card... and I'm fed up of it tbh.

I've worked my ar*e off to clear debts as much as I can before our first baby arrives in 7 weeks and to save up so we've got a hope of getting through maternity leave (bless SMP!)

He doesn't see how much it stresses me out - I spend hours a month keeping tabs on my bank account and spreadsheet and managing our/my money.

I stick to my budgets, I say no when friends invite me out - and I don't generally spend a lot on 'crap' or on a week-to-week basis. If I have spare money I put it towards bills or to save for when I'm on ML - I'm only taking 3 months off cos realistically its all we can afford.

I've said after baby is here our finances are joint - but realistically he'll have his "spending" money and I'll get everything else but still be covering payments for the extra bills (i.e. working hard again to get RID of my CC)

I'm gonna find this hard to get my head around that he wont cut/manage his spending like I do.

He said last night if I asked anyone else they'd agree with him that he'd done well making his money last so long (I disagree - for example seeing him spending x on beer however many times a week really winds me up cos I know at the end of the month he'll be skint and asking me for money)

He's already borrowed £20 for his nephew's birthday present this month and £10 for a PS3 game my friend was selling.

At the moment I take his extra money and use it wisely - pay £60 pm off the C/C put money aside for his car tax, pay myself back the money he borrowed from me to get his car through its MOT (£220)..... I treat his money the same way I treat mine - pay the bills and then work out future expenses and dividie it between months to put it to one side hidden in an esavings account for when its due

Sorry - that was really REALLY long -

it would ne cheaper to buy an annual prescription card if has has more than one per month. Some people are just better with £ than others. My DH is useless and spends a lot in socialising anf footie games. I end up picking up bills cos he is skint. Made a point this month and made him wrtie chq for council tax and gas bill b4 Money ran out.

He should not be paying 40% when you earn over a 3rd more than he does.

You should be paying 70% and him 30% theoretically it should work out you both have the same spends each month.

YANBU. At all.

It sounds as though you and your OH have very different ideas about how to spend/save your money. The problem is, his system is impacting negatively on your system. This is made doubly difficult by the fact there will be a baby soon. It is also a bit worrying that you say he calls in sick to go to a bbq and then to manage his hangover (I presume) which also doesn't point to a very mature outlook. Ten quid for a game? Saying 'you should tell me I've done well making my money last this long'? You say you manage his money and give him 'spending money'. What are you, his mum?

By being there to always bail him out, he may have got used to the idea that he can just spend all his money, and you will pick up the slack.

I'm not sure that you can do anything to make him change, (and theat is never a very productive line of action) but you can refuse to take part in it. Divide up the money, and don't ever, ever give him any more.

Fabby how do you work that out? She earns 30% more than him so she should pay 70% of the bills? That would only be fair if she earned 3x what he did!

No fabby the OP also says she pays the whole mortgage om her own!! So I think 60/40 on bills is more than generous!

He pays 40% of the bills - she pays the whole mortgage, which I'm sure works out at much more than the extra 10% you mention.

I really really don't understand the whole "my money" and "his money" thing between couples who live together and have children together. Surely it's all "ours" and you should sit down together, agree a budget and stick to it?

Failing that, next time he comes to you for a handout, say no.

I just think the whole you/me idea in relation to money is strange. What would happen if at some time in the future either of you is injured andis permanently disabled or if your child needs lots of extra care for whatever reason and one of you can't go to work............what happens then?

It happened to us. Our little boy is disabled and I am unable to work due to appointments, hospital admissions etc.....so if we worked under similar rules I would have absolutely no money at all!

I think you are extremely sensible to say that money is joint. Could you pool it all together so that all bills ( yours and his) are paid from the joint income and that you each have 'pocket money' each month. If he spends his all oin beer in week one, then tough - no more beer til pay day !

You need to put all your money in one account.
you each have a cetain amount each month to spend as your own.

You sit down and work out a budget of household expenses - that includes the car, and groveries.

He really needs to look at his drinking - if he's drinking so much that he is running out of money and taking time of work for it, then he's got a real problem and should seek help (seriously).

Definitely do not put socializing and drinks in the household budget.

I got a pre payment certificate it's £10 a month by direct debit, I have about 7 a month so that's already saving £39 and it doesn't matter how many you need as it's unlimited.

vickibee - yes it would - i didn't write that well for his prescriptions thats 2 a month, 4 if he runs out and doesn't make a dr appointment in time and the rest is on over the counter painkillers for a persistent bad back. I have told im about the certificate several times but he's never done anything about it... don't see why I should sort it out for him.

fabbychic I worked it all out originally on percentages so maybe my 60/40 is wrong and your split is more correct. He only pays towards household utility bills -nothing towards the mortgage.

tigermoll YES we do and I don't see how I can get him to see my point of view and i really struggle to understand how he can have such a lapse attitude towards money and happily leave ALL the reponsibility to me. I have used the line "i'm not your mum" with him before and that he needs to grow up and take some responsibility. The only 2 months he didn't over-spend on his budgets were the ones I put it all into envelopes for him to take out as and when and the other when I kept ALL his money and gave him £10 when he needed it.

controlpantsandgladrags yes that would be nice - and I'm trying to get 'there' - until now we haven't needed to join our finances and we wont be having a joint bank account due to his financial situation. We have a budget - I stick to it - his budget he agreed, and then increased 2 months ago and is still running out of money - with the claim its not enough - sorry but his work is a mile away, so that's 14 miles to get to work and back in 7 days of shifts, then town is a mile away - he doesn't do a great deal of driving. he still uses almost as much petrol as I do and I work 20 miles away 3 days a week. I think he'd like to increase his budgets again - but I worry that if he does this and I keep agreeing to it I'll end up with no extra money from him but the bare minimum for bills - then what happens when his £95 car tax is due right in the middle of my maternity leave??

Actually fabby op earns 1700 of a total income of 3k. as a % this is 56.67%. so if anything op you are paying too much esp considering mortgage. i would stop lending him money if i were you

We have a joint account (for the mortgage and household bills (utilities, car, groceries - everything that benefits both of us), but yours could be just for the latter). We pay into it in proportion to our income. The combined amount is calculated to cover all month expenditure. If anything is left over, we leave it in there to mount up for occasional things like bits of furniture or holidays.

Everything else is our own. We never sub one another.

This works for us. You need to find something that works for you.

He needs to grow up and man up. He is going to be a dad soon and is still acting like a child himself.

One of his big costs seems food for work can he not start taking food with him to save money?

Would it be better if he got his spends weekly?

When talking about pecentages is that net incomes you listed?

Woah this post is moving so fast! thank you

shaz298 - I hear what you are saying - when he lost his job 2 weeks after we met I made bad decisions and we still went out and did nice stuff and it all went on my plastic - in terms of household bills we weren't officially living together so I was paying for everything anyway even though I wasn't working full time.

When I lost my job last year I worked my backside off doing any work I could get to bring in enough money to pay the bills - I barely touched the c/c.

We aren't having a joint account for the forseeable future. His money for his direct debits stay in his bank account, the same as his budgets - the rest comes to me....

nickelbabe groceries do come out of our combined money - I don't expect him to pay for my car insurance, I pay that and my mobile, work insurance etc. I'm not paying for his car payments - that's his car... so that comes out of his personal money. same as if I got credit for a big purchase for me that'd come out of my personal money.
He's not an alcoholic - I've lived with one of those, he just isn't so good at saying no - we'll he's going to have to for the next 2 weeks til he gets paid cos he wont have money to get anymore cos I'm not buying it.

My 'post-baby' budget for when I'm back at work will include an 'entertainment' fund but in my mind that's for US to get a takeaway or go out for a meal or something - not for him to be drinking.

TheSecondComing his car is nothing to do with me - I have my own car and that will be a family car as it has 5 doors and I will need to use my car for work as its insured for business, whereas his isn't and only has 3 doors. IF/When we upgrade we will trade in his car (as mine is paid outright and I refuse to get two lots of finance) at which point I will of course be paying towards the car and possibly sign my car over to him... I will need to be the main driver of the 'new' car for work.

Yes his nephew is my nephew too but I've never relied on him to pay for my massive families birthday/christmas prezzies. Again when I'm back at work we'll be saving by standing order a certain amount each month to cover all prezzies over the year and christmas too. We just haven't had the money to do that since we've been together - there have been other bills that IMHO have been more improtant and deal with birthdays as and when they crop up - I pay for my families (17 people) and he pays for his (4 people)

RandomMess he does take work to with him. he works 12 hour shifts for 7 on a trot and then has 3/4 days off and then starts another block of 7 shifts.

Do you think you'd be better off getting both sets of wages paid into a joint account and then setting up a standing order to your individual accounts for spending money? That way all the bills/mortgage etc are covered and whatever's in his account is what he has for beer/games etc til the end of the month?

One thing that occurs to me - if you've got CC debt still, that'll be costing you a fortune in interest. Since you're good at budgetting, you'd be better off 'borrowing' the money you're saving for roadtax/insurance/other things and using it to pay off the credit card, thus saving yourself the interest.

yes, I agree - on the Money savings' expert site, they advise to pay off debts before thinking about saving
Think about it - interest at the moment on savings is at best 3%, and interest on a credit card is about 18%
So you'll never save as much as you are paying in cc interest.
Best to pay off as much of the credit card as possible, then start saving

If you've only got a cc bill of £1000, you're paying £180 annually in interest, and if you have £1000 in savings, you're getting £30 annually in interest.

It's one of the things I'm trying to do this year.

If you're good with money and he isn't, maybe it would be best for you to administer all the money?

Have all of both your wages go into a joint account, and then have standing orders to put each of your spending/personal money into your personal accounts. Then pay all bills and mortgage etc from the joint account.

If he can't make his spending money last the month then that's his problem, not yours. Make sure neither of you have a card for the joint account - only wages going in and direct debits going out.

your DH sounds like he has quite an immature attitude towards money (the sickie for a BBQ and spending money he doesn't have on frivilous shite are 2 really scary warning signs)

it's no wonder that if your DC is due in 7 weeks you're feeling vulnerable /sensitive about his money management, because you're relying on him to deal with his (your) finances maturely. which he is clearly incapable of doing.

you need to figure out what would work best for you both in the long run.

either:

1) get him on board and engaged with your finances, with him proving that he has a grasp of this stuff (no more buying trivial shite when you can't afford it)

OR

2) cut him out completely and manage it all yourself

The problem with the second option is that it's actually quite a lot of work for one person to keep a grasp on an entire household's admin, and you shouldn't be expected to handle that whilst having just had a baby, working fulltime 3 months later, etc. I'm not sure that the second option is best anyway - instead of your DH stepping up to the job (which he should be doing) you'd basically become the adult in financial terms, and an easy target for him to start resenting ("no you can't go to that night out, since you've only got £4 left out of your entertainment budget this month")... rather than appreciating, which he should be.

Frankly, it's blatently unfair of your DH to put you in this position, and quite selfish I think.

You might want to show him the content of this thread, because I think it's fucking rediculous that a grown man thinks he's done well by making his cash "last" until 10 days before payday. That's not good money management, and if he's so deluded that he thinks he's doing well, I honestly feel sorry for the job you have ahead of you, to get him to open his eyes.

Once your DH has contributed everything he needs to towards joint expenses, do you let him get on with what's left of his money or do you frequently bicker about what he's spending on - just thinking about you comment about spending on 'crap'?

I only ask because my DH tries (and generally fails!) to be quite controlling with me about money and it tends to just get my back up and have the reverse psychology effect.

I'm not suggesting for a minute that you are in the wrong - you've got a baby on the way and he certainly sounds like he needs to grow up a fair bit, but equally you do sound a little bit obsessive and very judgemental and resentful tbh. I think under the circumstances that's probably quite understandable, but it's not necessarily going to help you sort your issues out amicably.

The Prescription Card is a good idea - if you have to sort it our for him (and agreed you shouldn't have to) so be it, if it is going to help the finances and minimise your stress levels.

I'd tell him that you've got rid of your credit card completely so that he doesn't see that as a fall back.

The £90+ a month on food/coffee at work is ridiculous - he really needs to look at reducing that, and knock the beer and video games a bit further down his list of priorities, but...

..everyone is entitled to have some fun. You say you cover all the monthly expenses then stash everything else in a hidden account? Do you not have any treats for yourself? You are allowed you know and it might make you feel a bit better about him having a bit of pocket money for himself.

I think you'd be mad to share an account and pool money while he is so irresponsible wrt money and work commitments. I also think it is wrong that you are doing all the saving for maternity leave - it's his baby too, so he ought to be contributing to that particular fund.

Your problem is that he has the attitude of thinking it doesn't matter if he blows all his cash on crap 10 days before payday, because you will bail him out and sub him. And you do. If you want him to change, then stop making it so easy for him to carry on as he is.

Why isn't he paying towards the mortgage? If he lives there, he should be paying towards it. He sounds like a freeloader tbh, and very selfish with it. If he managed money better you might be able to take more maternity leave than just 3 months.