AIBU to expect OH to make his money last til payday?

[glitternanny]

We had a massive row last night over £. I asked him during the day if he'd got his prescription yet and he said no - he hasn't got any money - he's got £30 til payday (in 10 days time!) which would be fine if he didn't need to get food for his working days, get petrol and have next weekend off and then 4 days annual leave and undoubtedly want to spend some money on beer and coffees and stuff.

He cut his budgets (normal budgets for spending money £50, food for work £90, prescriptions £50, petrol £95) down last payday to get through the month as he'd taken 2 days off sick to go to a BBQ on the saturday and then was 'ill' on the sunday and didn't get paid so lost £140 in his wages.

I earn a lot more than him (me £1700 pm, him £1300) and some of his spending is on his car payments which I don't have. Though I pay the entire mortgage and bills are split 60% (me) and 40% him to try and make it fair.

Every month we have this conversation, he runs out of money and he "borrows" from me or uses my credit card... and I'm fed up of it tbh.

I've worked my ar*e off to clear debts as much as I can before our first baby arrives in 7 weeks and to save up so we've got a hope of getting through maternity leave (bless SMP!)

He doesn't see how much it stresses me out - I spend hours a month keeping tabs on my bank account and spreadsheet and managing our/my money.

I stick to my budgets, I say no when friends invite me out - and I don't generally spend a lot on 'crap' or on a week-to-week basis. If I have spare money I put it towards bills or to save for when I'm on ML - I'm only taking 3 months off cos realistically its all we can afford.

I've said after baby is here our finances are joint - but realistically he'll have his "spending" money and I'll get everything else but still be covering payments for the extra bills (i.e. working hard again to get RID of my CC)

I'm gonna find this hard to get my head around that he wont cut/manage his spending like I do.

He said last night if I asked anyone else they'd agree with him that he'd done well making his money last so long (I disagree - for example seeing him spending x on beer however many times a week really winds me up cos I know at the end of the month he'll be skint and asking me for money)

He's already borrowed £20 for his nephew's birthday present this month and £10 for a PS3 game my friend was selling.

At the moment I take his extra money and use it wisely - pay £60 pm off the C/C put money aside for his car tax, pay myself back the money he borrowed from me to get his car through its MOT (£220)..... I treat his money the same way I treat mine - pay the bills and then work out future expenses and dividie it between months to put it to one side hidden in an esavings account for when its due

Sorry - that was really REALLY long -

and cans of red bull etc...

I think you have to live within your means. In our house all money belongs to the both of us and if there was any money left after bills, it would be shared (this is entirely theoretical money, as the bills seem to suck it all up ).

However some couples prefer to have separate finances, and I can see the logic in that, if your partner is utterly irresponsible with money. If you have separate money and don't want to contribute towards assets owned by the other person, then you shouldn't expect them to subsidise the standard of living that you, the lower earner wants. Especially if the higher earner is struggling to save to pay for maternity leave for your joint baby. You also can't have a high standard of living and expect to live rent free in your partner's house. It really is taking the piss.

I think that pooling money (but keeping own accounts, so he can't blow the gas money on beer), could work out better for the OP, so long as savings for mat leave are factored into this. I think it would leave her 'partner' (and I use that word loosely) with less disposable income and it might be worth exploring this to see whether he steps up or struggles against it. Either way, she'll see the true picture regarding the man she is having a baby with.

I never quite get my head round 'his n hers' money. But I suppose if I lived with someone so 'bad' with money I might consider it.

This is is what I would do;

'the pot' - both salaries, minus mortgage, bills, food, incidentals - which would include things like prescriptions, birthday presents, car tax, petrol allowance, odd takeaway etc but also things like buying new goods - washing machine, freezer etc. When the baby comes I'm afraid the childcare element also comes out of the communal pot also.

Then see whats left. Whats left gets split 70/30 in the womans favour coz hair dressers cost more than barbers! (jks) - seriously you take what ever is a reasonable amount - call it 100 for a round figure each per month (this is what I would fag/beer/lunch money).

There is also the 'petty cash fund' which pays the random things like window cleaner or the one-off-nip-to-the-shops-for a pint.

Anything left over goes into a "savings account" - you might want to call that the baby fund or holiday pot.

Money should, ideally be agreed upon before co-habiting. One person will always feel agrieved when it comes to money I'm afraid..

Can I go random for a moment?

The Op is paying all the mortgage (her property) he isn't contributing.  Ideally he should be paying an equitable rent ~ but to call it that makes him sound like a lodger rather than her partner.

If the boot were on the other foot and the male owned the house and the female partner paid 'rent', I don't think that would go down to well!  The financial contribution needs a better name than 'rent'!

But also, what are the legalities, if a split occurred, of him being able to force a sale of the house because 'he put into it'? is he paying you cash? or do some of the bills come out of his account via direct debit?  Cash is always better - it leaves no proof of contribution!  Should the partner actually have a rent book?

But what's the point of having separate finances if your partner is irresponsible with and you keep subbing him? Much better to have joint finances and then no-one is borrowing from anyone - if the money isn't there to do something then it isn't there. If the oh is ridiculous with spending then I would put a set amount aside for luxuries and maybe some aside for savings if there was enough and you thought it was going to be frittered.
I never understand committed couples who have 'my money' and 'your money'. Surely you are going to want to have the same house, eat at the same restaurants etc whoever is paying. I'm a sahm and would feel very uncomfortable and embarrassed having to 'borrow' money off dh for basic requirements. Luckily he sees the money he earns as family money and unless I was spending more than we, collectively, have it would never be an issue.

I agree with other posters about your/my money. Both DH's and my wages go into a joint account our mortgage and all other bills are paid from this. We both take money out of it to spend on ourselves. If it's just little things like going for a drink or buying some clothes we don't ask the each other if we can spend it. If we want bigger item then we do discuss it. However neither of us spend much and we don't run our of money before pay day. We have each got our own savings account and I do have a housekeeping account as I tend to do a lot if the shopping so it's easier that way but the money for that comes from our joint account.

Also if the oh didn't have the op to turn to for hand outs then he might become a bit better with money.

SHPP you've just reminded me a of a friend.

She had her own flat, round about the last time of the property slump. It wasn't a huge amount but she lost about 10K. Her and her new DP bought a house together but her flat (which he had also lived in for a short period) was her flat and therefore the 10K was her problem.

Anyone hearing the bells already?

When she had their first child she gave up work. Ultimately she was made redundant and had a very nice pay off which was utilised to build an extension on their house together.

As she wasn't working, he paid all bills including food utilities etc.

However he saw child benefit as 'her wages' and out of that she had to: pay for her own toiletries, hairdressers, the childrens (there were two by then) football training subs, kit, actually all their clothes, pay school dinner money AND buy all birthday and christmas related presents cards for the family (his and hers extended family). Plus ferry his aging mother and father backwards and forwards to hospital and take them shopping etc.

She eventually had a breakdown when he kept nagging and nagging about the £600 debt she had accrued over 10 years of 'borrowing off him'.

He is a neurotic miser. Last to buy a round if you get my drift.

I think for the "joint" money scenario to work, the OP would need to be in control of it all, otherwise there is a chance her partner could just fritter it away and spend even more as he has access to even more money than usual.

A good option would be to have wages paid into a joint account that only the OP has a card for, then for each of them to receive an amount of spends per month into their own separate bank account. That way once it's gone for her partner, it's gone, and he won't have the option of dipping into money put aside for bills once he's spent it all.

Wow, not read all the replies, but it would really do my head in to live like this.

£1300 is a pretty decent wage if you don't have to worry about rent/mortgage. I earn about the same, but have to pay my rent on top of that. He shouldn't really be running out of money every month.

It's definitely a good idea to refuse to keep bailing him out especially since he's spending the money on silly things.

Honestly, I think you should be paying things a bit more equally. My partner and I don't divvy up stuff equally, he pays 60% rent, I pay 40% and we don't have a joint bank account. But everything that's joint (food, bills, meals out etc) we are trying to divide equally these days. I used to have the same feelings of resentment if I paid more than him on bills or whatever.

Don't bail him out any more and, if I were you, get him to give you some rent money. It's not fair that he gets to stay in your house, contributing nothing towards it.

Troisgarcons what you have posted about your friend is a good example of financial abuse.

Sorry but the whole thing just sounds bonkers to me especially when you have a baby on the way. Very stressful.

Why on earth don't you just own everything equally, put all the money in a joint account and give yourselves equal amounts of spending money each week once all your other outgoings/savings are dealt with.

I earn 44k part time, DH earns 18k part time because he is in a much less well paid profession. He works as hard as me though. We each have £20 a week spending money and that's that. He actually manages the money day to day but we consult on buying stuff.

I'm going on mat leave soon and he will be increasing his work to full time, so he will be the main earner for a year. We will still make sure we have equal spending money though.

It's such a relief to me that I don't have to think about it all beyond making the odd choice here or there.

A few posters have said something along the lines of 'I don't really understand how you can have separate money, once you are in a partnership' or 'it seems odd to keep the my money/your money distinction with someone you live with'.

As a co-habitee with no intention of getting married, I think it is perfectly acceptable to decide to keep finances separate from your partner. One of the benefits of opting out of matrimony is you have the option to stay solely in charge of your own money, and not get tangled up in someone else's. (If you marry someone, then part of the deal is that you merge your debts/assets)

I don't see why you can't have a joint account

you don't have to use it for all of your money.

DH and I have a joint account that we use for big things, and we don't really add to it (even though we say we will!)
mainly, it's money that people give us as presents - eg wedding money and christmas money.

Having a joint account is a positive thing - you can decide how you'll run it, but it's useeful.

If you choose to have a child with someone though your finances will never be completely your own. I can't imagine saying to dh. Can I BORROW some money for nappies for OUR child.

I agree that once you have a child there is a shared financial responsibility, which comes ahead of any personal financial needs.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but there seems to be a slight suggestion that the idea of two people who live together keeping their money separate is somehow 'bizarre' or 'difficult to get your head round'. The the OP is even talking about 'my money' and 'his money' is seen as being slightly indicative of red flag in the r/ship.

Money has a huge potential to cause friction in a couple, as it is so seldom distributed, earnt, valued and spent utterly equally. It is important that both partners have a strategy for dealing with this. For some people, it may be helpful/practical to say 'Oh, all the money, regardless of how it is earnt or spent belongs to us equally'. For others, the sense of financial independence may be what helps make them feel 'free' enough to stay in the relationship. Personally, because my partner and I earn (he: sporadic and well-paid, me: relentless and poorly paid) and spend (he: ride the high hog, me: save nuts for the winter) so differently, it would just problems to share ALL our money. I don't know how much he earns, nor he I, and (unless there was some sort of problem, like not being able to meet our half of the rent or bills) that is how it will stay.

don't see why I should sort it out for him

Because you love him and would like to help? :(

tigermoll if keeping your finances seperate works for both of you that is great, but if it's not working for them as a couple and lack of agreement over what is a sharable cost is an issue then something needs to change.

I suppose my now dh and I have always had "our" money despite me having a child and him not and were together 7 or so years before we got married. We have similar attitudes to money, earnt similar wages apart from when I was on career break. So to me if the commitment is there then the marriage is a bit of paper IYSWIM. So I do find it out that people who choose to have a child and live together keep their finances so seperate especially when it isn't working for either of them.

See for us we both work full time, have no kids and I earn more than DP - we share the bills/mortgage/etc 50/50 - we each put the same amount into the joint account to cover this each month and then what we have left is ours for our personal stuff (mobile, etc).

Once we have kids it might change but I don't see why you should have to pay more just becasue you earn more when you don't have kids - surely you both use equal amounts of stuff (or as with DP he eats more and uses more electricity than me!)

Sorry missed all the replies - thank you - too much for my brain to take in at the moment.

We cant have a joint account because then we would have a financial association and his credit record is beyond bad and I don't want that to affect my financial records.

So I did what people have suggested and I said I would and when he asked to borrow money from me today I said no.

So when he finishes work in the morning (he's on nights) he can't go anywhere in his car until he gets paid next Wednesday - he has 65miles left in his tank.

He can't buy anymore painkillers so therefore wont be able to the decorating (finishing the nursery - we currently have wallpaper up and coving up and that's it - still needs skirting board to be sorted, carpet is being fitted on Thursday, curtains need to go up, stickers, border, furniture to be made up) he's got Thurs, Friday Sat & Sun off and has taken 4 days annual leave to do next week.... so being nearly 8months pregnant I guess I'll have to do it or wait until he's been paid and has a few more rota'd days off to do it....

So now I feel like scum - tho a tiny bit good cos I've stuck to my guns.

I would consider buying him the painkillers just so he can do the nursery - only enough to last him to payday though and then get him to pay you back

You could pool your finances etc without having a joint account but obviously only if he agrees to you holding the purse strings...