AIBU to expect OH to make his money last til payday?

[glitternanny]

We had a massive row last night over £. I asked him during the day if he'd got his prescription yet and he said no - he hasn't got any money - he's got £30 til payday (in 10 days time!) which would be fine if he didn't need to get food for his working days, get petrol and have next weekend off and then 4 days annual leave and undoubtedly want to spend some money on beer and coffees and stuff.

He cut his budgets (normal budgets for spending money £50, food for work £90, prescriptions £50, petrol £95) down last payday to get through the month as he'd taken 2 days off sick to go to a BBQ on the saturday and then was 'ill' on the sunday and didn't get paid so lost £140 in his wages.

I earn a lot more than him (me £1700 pm, him £1300) and some of his spending is on his car payments which I don't have. Though I pay the entire mortgage and bills are split 60% (me) and 40% him to try and make it fair.

Every month we have this conversation, he runs out of money and he "borrows" from me or uses my credit card... and I'm fed up of it tbh.

I've worked my ar*e off to clear debts as much as I can before our first baby arrives in 7 weeks and to save up so we've got a hope of getting through maternity leave (bless SMP!)

He doesn't see how much it stresses me out - I spend hours a month keeping tabs on my bank account and spreadsheet and managing our/my money.

I stick to my budgets, I say no when friends invite me out - and I don't generally spend a lot on 'crap' or on a week-to-week basis. If I have spare money I put it towards bills or to save for when I'm on ML - I'm only taking 3 months off cos realistically its all we can afford.

I've said after baby is here our finances are joint - but realistically he'll have his "spending" money and I'll get everything else but still be covering payments for the extra bills (i.e. working hard again to get RID of my CC)

I'm gonna find this hard to get my head around that he wont cut/manage his spending like I do.

He said last night if I asked anyone else they'd agree with him that he'd done well making his money last so long (I disagree - for example seeing him spending x on beer however many times a week really winds me up cos I know at the end of the month he'll be skint and asking me for money)

He's already borrowed £20 for his nephew's birthday present this month and £10 for a PS3 game my friend was selling.

At the moment I take his extra money and use it wisely - pay £60 pm off the C/C put money aside for his car tax, pay myself back the money he borrowed from me to get his car through its MOT (£220)..... I treat his money the same way I treat mine - pay the bills and then work out future expenses and dividie it between months to put it to one side hidden in an esavings account for when its due

Sorry - that was really REALLY long -

Why on earth does he spend £90 per week on food? why cant he take a pack up?

Anyone who would take 'sickies' to go to a BBQ and then find themself skint until payday sounds very immature. It's incredibly short-sighted and I'd struggle to trust someone who would treat their employment so frivolously; it doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone you could trust with your future.

You're being more than fair with your contribution to bills, in fact I'd cut down on what you're paying if I was you.

Wow loads of replies - I can't get my baby brain around replying individually.

His lunches at work comes out of HIS money not the food shopping money because I eat at work, that doesn't cost us - if I ate at home I also wouldn't eat anywhere NEAR the amount of food he takes to work and certainly be a bit more sensible towards it that spending a fortune on top named brands and cans of expensive redbull alll the time. Its just what we agreed to.

He spends £90 a MONTH on pack-up to take to work.

He has put some money aside for baby stuff (i.e. to get the bits we need for baby - pram etc) but only cos I've asked him for it and taken it off for him.

We can't have a joint bank account at the moment.

The mortgage is mine and the property is mine - I bought it 2 months after we met, hence him not contributing he didn't think it was fair.

No I don't treat myself very often to anything - maybe a night out with friends for a meal/takeaway once a month but I am very concious of everything I spend and lately clearing debts, saving for the baby and saving for ML have been my priority - I can't remember the last time I bought myself a book/magazine.

Yes I am resentful - I admit that and I've told him that I'm jealous cos its me thats left managing all the finances all of the time and he gets it 'easy' imho he hasn't had to grow up because when I left him with all his money I'd get told he didn't have the money for our household food shopping cos he'd spent it all.

Yes I know it would make more sense to pay off what i've been saving off the C/C but in my mind its easier to do it this way and see the CC amounts dropping rather than going up and down when these other expenses come up. Also things like the buildings insurance/ground rent/birthday presents (cash) I can't use my credit card for. I'm an avid reader of MSE and have use lots of advice people have given me from there.

I don't bicker at what he's spending his spending money on no - sometimes I'll say 'can you afford that' or 'have you got enough money til the end of the month' or something but I don't nag him every time he buys himself a beer or a coffee or something no.

I am going to be firm and he's not getting a penny out of me before payday.

Sorry I see that you pay the mortgage and he contributes nothing.

You should pool all your money and split the rest.

You would probably be better off.

If he cannot manage tell him to move out until he can.

Yes, I think you are right to stop subbing him. At some point he needs to learn how to budget. He is about to become a father and needs to stop behaving like a child.

I think perhaps you need to reassess how much money he is actually contributing, because it seems unfair to me that you earn more, but have no money for treats, but he gets to blow £90 on food for work and has money for going out.

I'd set up a standing order from his account to yours, covering 50% of food (not his work food), utilities, rent (he lives in your house and should pay what he would pay if he was renting) and significant contributions for when the baby comes, to support you during mat leave. It is not fair that you have to cover the whole cost of that, when the baby belongs to both of you.

What he has left is for food at work, his car payments and socialising. If it runs out, then it runs out and he will have to be skint until pay day. This is what every grown up has to do. You are not his mum and he is not a teenager. It's not your responsibility to pay for him to have fun.

Why is he living in your house and not paying rent then? Why is he only paying towards the bills and not at least some money towards rent?

You should NOT be paying the mortgage on your own. Of course he won't think it's fair that he contribute towards it, because he's a total sponger. He lives there, yes? So he should be paying you 'rent', if you want to call it that. Say if your mortgage costs £600 per month - he should be paying you £300 of that, just like he'd have to if he lived in any other houseshare or rented on his own. When I had a mortgage and my ex moved in, he paid me half of the mortgage and bills each month. I wouldn't have it any other way. He's taking advantage of you, and the worst thing is, you're letting him.

well I disagree that he should pay 50% of food, utilities etc but you should on paper pool all resources and essential outgoings - inc saving up to cover Mat Leave, NHS card etc. Then you split was is left over - you need to jointly decide if the car is a joint expense - surely it is? Also I think providing basic food for his pack up is fine but not exepnsive cans of red bull etc - they are a luxury etc.

Effectively yes he then pays by direct debit his share of the joint expenses to you and what is left is his...

I'm just coming from the point of view that if a woman comes on here earning less than the bloke but was expected to pay 50% many people would be up in arms...

RandonMess I earned less than my ex when he moved in but I still insisted on a 50/50 split. We both lived in the house, used equal gas, electric, ate same food etc, so those things were paid for equally. We worked out what the cost was and that all went into the joint account on payday. Anything left in our individual accounts was just for us to spend how we wanted. That meant I had less disposable income than him but hey, that's life.

And just as a point of interest, some people have a completely irresponsible attitude to money. Not long after the ex above moved out, I had bailiffs at my door. It turned out that despite earning more than me, he'd built up thousands worth of debt on several credit cards and he'd defaulted on the payments. I eventually had to get myself financially disassociated from him as his terrible credit record affected mine. The OPs partner sounds like he has a similar irresponsible attitude to finances and it needs nipping in the bud now, or it'll only get worse.

I think the difference Random, is that it is usually the woman who loses out financially during maternity leave and whose career is in danger of stalling if she takes time out to be at home with the baby. women need to take steps to protect themselves because often a man can have a child and his life carries on much as before, career wise.

If two people live together and both work, then they should share expenses equally, unless the person with more money chooses a huge house/car/lifestyle that would be totally out of the league of the other partner. If that is their choice, then they ought to pay more.

In the OP's case, her partner should pay in rent what he would pay if he was sharing a house with another person. That might be less than 50% of the mortgage (because the house is an asset in the Op's name only), but he shouldn't be living there and paying nothing. If he wasn't with the OP, he would be paying rent to someone.

He should be contributing to the mortgage I agree but they are about to come parents - all these costs are affectively shared costs, if op earning goes down due to taking baby to work with her or other childcare costs it's still the same principle - pool money, share what is left over

OP, it seems to me that in a way he is behaving like this because you are enabling him to do so, to a point. It does sound as though he is a bit of a freeloader, and very immature, spending money like it's water, refusing to pay towards the mortgage and then expecting you to bail him out when he's spent all his money.

I think you need to put your foot down and refuse to bail him out anymore. He will show his true colours if you stop allowing his behaviour by either stepping up to the mark and sorting himself out, or by getting angry and behaving in an even more childish manner. If it's the latter then you will know he is just out for what he can get out of you. Sorry if this all sounds blunt, I don't mean to upset you at all, but I've been in your situation before, and I would advise that you try and sort this out with him ASAP.

The OP is already having to compromise for her OHs completely ineffective money management by only being able to take 3 months maternity leave. Because she has to go back to work early so she can pay the mortgage, I expect . And no doubt she'll end up footing the bill for the child's nursery care on her premature return to work. This is a situation that needs sorting, and soon. The current situation is completely unfair on the OP, and could end up ruining their relationship if it continues this way.

He sounds like a real catch!

If he would rather live there as a lodger then treat him as one and split the bills and charge him rent half and half.

If he lodged with a mate do you think that they would sub him if he earned less? Bollocks they would.

If you want to make a partnership out of this then I think you should pool all the money and have £x (equal) a month each as spends. I do not understand all this percentage crap.

I cannot believe that he thinks that it is 'unfair' for him to pay any of the mortgage and that you did not deem this to be odd.

Hopefully this will be sorted as soon as so that you can enjoy your shortened maternity leave OP.

Been there got the Tshirt with my EX, DS Dad.

In the end I had to take control, against my better judgement. Ex earnt slightly more than me.

I agree with everyone things need to be joint - starting with him paying some mortgage. He at least owes you your new babies share as he half owns that.

What I did was work out our joint income, individual outgoings re things bought before we were together, costs of living together (rent/food etc). We had a car, given to us by his parents (there old one) and needed insuring, taxing, petrol etc. That was split because he didn't drive and needed ferrying around, I walked to work as a mile away and so car was used for food shop and to take him to matches.

What was left was then split equally for spending money. Some was put aside for clothes etc for DS but anything we wanted was paid for with our own share.

It did work but EX was always pissing his up the wall and wanting subs etc. Eventually I just refused.

I hope you get things sorted, please ensure things are equal. For you as much as him because at the moment it seems he's paying out for more (car and prescriptions) and you with mortgage/ bills. That may equal things out? BUT you are not happy. And unless your mortgage is less than £400 once that's paid you have the worse deal.

YABU. I think if you have chosen to have a child and a long term relationship with this man it is wrong for you to have a massively higher standard of living to him and criticise him for not making his money last. Is he trying to have a similar standard of living to you on a smaller budget? That amount of money on food fro work is huge imo - what about taking some sarnies? Also coffees out are hardly essential.

If you are planning on having time off after the baby is born it might be worth bearing in mind that he will be the higher earner then and think about how you would like to be treated then.

Just re-read some of this and am at him spending £90 per month on packed lunches. With proper planning he could spend less than half of this. In the nicest possible way though, he has no incentive to budget or cut back when you are normally willing to subsidise him

I assumed that the £90 was on buying food out - you surely couldn't spend £90 a month on packed lunches!

SHPP, she doesn't have a higher standard of living than him. He is one who can afford to go out, whereas she cannot, because she is too busy paying all the mortgage and saving for her maternity leave. Hardly living it up is she?

He, otoh, is living rent free in her house, whilst refusing to contribute towards the mortgage

SHPP, the OP said earlier in the thread that the £90 is on pack-up items. Like you, I at first thought that it was spent on buying food out.

I wasn't suggesting the op had the life of riley just that if the oh is trying to do all the things that the op can do on her wage (coffees out, take aways perhaps) then they all add up and if he is earning 500 quid less then it's not surprising that he is struggling to keep up. I've no idea how much the mortgage is but if it is less than the difference in wage then my point still stands.
Of course they should sort their money out so that the op can go out and stuff too. It might be better to pool the resources now and put aside a set amount for each of them for luxuries.

I take it the OH is a fan of nice ham

I think you're probably right, SHPP, at that price it's probably gold-plated nice ham!