AIBU to be angry to hear that the mother of one of DD's friends offered them WKD at a recent party - ?

[firebird777]

DD is 14 now and she has a core group of three friends who she has gone to school with since reception so i know all the parents from junior school. now at high school other girls have joined the group and around easter this year one of the "new girls" had a sleepover for her 14th birthday
although invited DD did not attend - they went to the beach first and DD came home rather than to the sleepover (covered in sand - they had been having a sand fight - awww )
so two weeks ago DD asked (bless) if she was allowed to drink WKD at another "new Girls" 14th sleepover party - i was shocked and said no which is when it all came out that the other friends had all been offered and accepted WKD by "new girl 1" mother back at easter !! some of them were still 13 at the time
DD says some of her friends had been given permission to drink alcohol this time and "new girl 2" was asking who wanted some on fb so her mother knew how much to buy!
is it just me - as i am not a big drinker - that finds this shocking? i mean its illegal for a start and although DD stuck to her promise and didn't drink with her friends a precedent has now been set and i am unsure whether to go with the majority or risk DD lying to me in future or feeling left out
i really strongly believe that 13/14 is too young for WKD - especially something marketed as "a bit naughty" and i know i will not be offering it at DD's party in december but i seem to be the only person bothered by this AIBU ?

Depends how much she is offering. At my sleepovers my mum gave us each a small drink - which was a massive privelige to us, enough to feel a little naughty - but not enough to get us drunk.

I can't remember if she got other parents' permission, but no-one ever said anything.

I think it was small cans of Taboo - one of the first alcopops.

I am all for parents allowing controlled drinking so that it doesn't become taboo.

Because cigarettes are far more addictive and underage sex is illegal?

By the way, I don't condone anyone giving alcohol to a teenager without checking with the parents first.

But as long as the parent's agree, there's nothing wrong with one bottle at a Birthday party.

That said, no YANBU to be concerned OP, as it's your child, but before over-reacting why don't you just call the mother and ask her how much she intends on giving your child. Also, talk to DD about drinking responsibly and if she comes back with a hangover, punish her accordingly. Learning to trust her is good; her learning to earn your trust is better.

Zukie I agree with you. It is NOT inevitable that children will drink. And we as parents do not have to accept or assume that it is, or allow that attitude to percolate down to our children.
I recommend this book www.allenandunwin.com/default.aspx?page=94&book=9781741756807 by Paul Dillon.

OP, I would be livid and would be having words with those parents.

Maryz It is not illegal for an over five year old child to drink alcohol as long as it's not on licensed premises.

queenmaeve - you're spectacularly missing the point. What I was saying is because my parents had a healthy relationship with alcohol - me & alcohol, someone else's parent offering me alcohol didn't derail me. It was no big deal - as IMO it should be in the scheme of things.

I think it is wrong although obv not illegal. If a parent is going to offer teens alcohol in their home they should check with the other parents first. I don't think that WKD is the best thing to introduce either as alcopops don't taste of alcohol so its harder for people to judge how much they are drinking. Is new girl 1 in the year above the other girls as her 14th was at Easter while new girl 2 has only just turned 14?

It is not illegal to drink in the home from the age of 5 (presumably to handle "sherry trifle" scenarios, I hope). It is illegal to buy alcohol with the intention of supplying under 18s, which, from the fb message is exactly^ what the mother is doing

Sorry, but 13/14 is far too young. 15/16 perhaps - too be honest, they will probably look old enough to get served in the local offie by then, so there's not much you can do about it. And definately NOT sweet alco-pops containing spirits, weak cider or beer only.

At a School parent evening, Paul Dillon, author of the book I linked above, told us some terrifying stories about teens drinking. One that brought me to tears was that of a group of Year 11 girls (17 year olds) who went to a party at a friend's house, where one of them consumed rather a lot of vodka. The girls, thinking they were doing the right thing and protecting their friend from being caught drunk by the resident parents, took her to a bedroom and had her lie down on the bed. They sat on the bed around her, laughing and chatting and protecting their friend from any ill harm. It was quite a while before they realised that their sleeping friend had quietly vomited up a little of that vodka, and drowned.
I cant imagine being the parents of that girl, or her friends, or the parents who had the party on their house. How would you feel?
One of the points he kept reiterating was that some parents think they can stay in control of the alcohol consumed at a party - but in reality that is rarely or never the case. Allow a little and it can provide a smokescreen for the consumption of a lot.

That's a bit alarmist epicfail

If you invited 5 teens on a sleepover and only supplied 5 bottles of WKD, that's entirely different to the scenario above.

Either way, the same thing could have happened if the kids went over the park with the alcohol and no-one knew about it.

I think you're right Maryz although I'm still not sure it's illegal to give the 14yr old's a bottle of WKD in the person's home.

I'm not sure how it gets round the law because as you quite rightly say, the Mother would have bought it for them

I'm confuddled now, I think I need a drink

Is new girl 1 in the year above the other girls as her 14th was at Easter while new girl 2 has only just turned 14?

its possible "new girl 2" just turned 15 - as her birthday has been this term making her the oldest of the group as they are all in the same year

i don't know and have never met either of the "new girls" parents
i agree with proundnscary
"I'd be pissed off with the type of drink, with taking away your choice and also reinforcing the 'parties are not fun without booze' message."

i think thats what bothers me - theres a culture of drinking being acceptable that is being reinforced - surely parties should be fun without alcohol at 14?

TBH i'm not so worried about dd as i know she hates fizzy drinks - in fact most drinks - i can't even get her to drink cough medicine when she needs it and she has got a sensible head on her shoulders I am really proud of her for sticking to my rules and refusing alcohol but i feel like its the thin end of the wedge and that both she and I will end up bowing to peer pressure as if i don't the group will move on without her

is there a difference in law between supplying your own child with alcohol in the home and supplying somebody else's child?

If not, there should be. Parental discretion is one thing - it shouldn't be extended to any random adult that happens to have your child in their home for a few hours.

Yes, it is a different scenario worraliberty, but it was at a party where alcohol had been provided. And as the mother of three teenage girls, I am glad I was alarmed, as that evening had a profound impact on me and altered forever my views on alcohol, parties and sleeping over at said parties.

MaryZ, the barman would be wrong if he knew the drink was for the under-18s.

ps - i think the mother was buying herself wkd but wanted to buy extra to prevent herself from running out if you see what i mean - i don't think she went out specifically to buy them a bottle each - and they weren't offered that much either (thus avoiding teen vomit city - no sleepover parent would want to risk that surely? )

I wouldn't like someone offering my underage teenager alcohol of any knd regardless of the legalities. My own mother used to do just that and always said its better if they are drinking at home in front of their parents rather than out on the street getting up to who knows what. I have to disagree though, at 13 or 14 they really shouldn't be drinking and especially not that god awful WKD! If it was very low alcohol mulled wine at Xmas or even a little glass of champagne I'd be a bit more relaxed but seriously, going out to the off-license for a group of kids, no way.

Maryz

I think the issue here is that the other parent gave something 'contraversial' to children other than there own. Regardless of what was given really, its something that either should be 'clandestine teenage activity' OR only given by parents.

I do not wish to be a cool mum, or an uptight one, and am HOPING to find that elusive middle ground. Alcohol will not be 'banned outright' but I will not encourage drinking... as far as other things are concerned, well I used to enjoy the odd spliff, and have few issues with it in moderation. However, as a parent, my kids will be operating on a 'not in my house' policy with discussions regarding such things. Not until they're adults will they realise that perhaps I'm a hypocrite.

I'm a parent now, things have changed. The party line will be one of open discussion and consequences... screw whether I'm a hypocrite or not, I'm simply trying to achieve a balance my own parents almost got.