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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed of about DD not being invited to birthday party?

101 replies

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 09:50

DD's birthday was last month (she turned 6), we invited all the girls in the class at DD's request and it was great, good time had by all.

One of the girls is having her bday party this weekend and has invited almost all the girls in the class, including DD's best friend, but not DD. Feel quite disappointed by this because I have always gone out of my way to be kind to her mother who was ill over the Summer, offering to look after her DC's if she needed a rest. Her DS and mine are friends too and they live in teh next road so we see each other daily.

AIBU to be pissed off by this?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:36

Oh Hully your 'tactful' enquiry is about as transparent as a pair of wet budgie smugglers! Grin

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:37

Ah, but the beauty is, because of the way it is couched, the mother will know that you know that she knows that you know that she knows, but neither will need to say so and faces can be saved all round.

DumSpiroSpero · 01/10/2011 15:43

YANBU to feel a bit put out, especially as you're obviously friendly with the girl's mum, but I think you would BU to do anything about it.

The last 2 years (age 6 & 7), I've let my DD choose who she wants to invite to her parties as she is the one who spends time with these children at school and knows what they are like.

Last year she was at an out of school club with 2 girls from her class, but insisted that one of them would spoil the whole thing for her if I we invited her. This year, she has found herself in a 'threesome' with her best friend and another girl. There has been a certain amount of typical 'girls in threes' behaviour between them and she wanted her bf to herself for her birthday party, so we didn't invite no 3 (who hadn't invited dd to her party earlier in the year - probably for the same reason!).

I've not been entirely comfortable with her choices (or impressed with the three particularly obnoxious/batty/nosy kids that she did choose to invite on both occasions Grin), but it's her special day so she gets to choose.

And I'm still on speaking terms with all the mums involved!

CardyMow · 01/10/2011 15:47

I can see both sides - I always have a limited budget for parties. This year, I have told DS2 he can invite 20 children from school to his party - the venue has a limit of 30 people, adults included in the number, and he has siblings and family that want to be there. He has 30 in his class - but he won't even be inviting 20 from HIS class, as his year group have been 'shuffled' and some of his best friends are in the other two classes - so I can see it being about 6/7 from each class! No way in hell could I afford to invite all 87 in his year group!

BUT, and this is a big but - this year, DS2 didn't get an invite to HIS BEST FRIEND'S PARTY. Simply because his mum doesn't like one of MY friends dc...

So I'm sitting on the fence here (unusual for me!), I think it is VU to not invite someone if your dc are friends OR if you are friends with the dc's mum, and the dc's mum has helped you out in the past. BUT it is VU to think that everyone can fit in an extra 1/2/20 children into their party as there may be limits on the amount of dc a venue allows, not all have to come from the SCHOOL and not all parents can afford to invite more.

FlossieFromCrapstonVillas · 01/10/2011 15:56

The brothers of the girls are friends
There was an offer to help in the hols when Mum was poorly
the best friend of the girl not invited was invited to the party

I'm not sure these are sure fire reasons the girl should have had an invite.

The OP has gorn anyway, probably forgotten all about the party on such a beautiful day !

lljkk · 01/10/2011 16:01

I am always impressed in these threads at how people can "know" that most the girls/boys/class were invited. Do you go around and ask each and every other parent? Count the invites as they're being handed out? Get accidentally copied in on an incriminating email? How?

y3 DS rarely gets invited to parties (rather few ever, and none since the end of y1, when 16 from his year came to his own party). I presume lots of parties are happening without him.. but I don't know. How could I know? DS never mentions it and it's not like I go around quizzing people or lurking in the shadows of local softplay/party venues. Confused

OP: I think the key is in your Dd's reaction. She really doesn't seem bothered so I personally would leave it at that. The only caveat I will make is... have you checked her tray in classroom? DC have lost invites in those before.

misdee · 01/10/2011 16:15

recently it was my dd2 birthday. she had invited 4 of her cousins and 3 friends from the street. bear in mind i have 5 children myself, and a small house.

about 10mins in, one of the other neighbourhood girls mum knocked at the door, saying her dd was upset as there was a party at my house and she wasnt invited. apparently 'everyone' else in the street was at mine. they werent.

i let her in, but felt i had to lay on more food, as i was already pushing it with the numbers anyway.

the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth, for potentially upsetting a child who wasnt friends with dd2 but with one of my other dd's, for the mum demanding why her dd wasnt invited and for how nweak and on the spot i was put.

if your child isnt invited to a party then let it go. dont ever ask why, or demand an invite as its not on and v v v rude.

forrestgump · 01/10/2011 17:50

I am in a tricky position planning my daughters party. she has just changed schools and I have booked a venue that can cater for ALL the girls in her new class, her best friend from her old school and 3 family friends, she has point blank told me she does not want her bf from her old school to some.

She says on the last few times they met up, this girl was rude to her or her friends) her friends dont like this girl (they never have) so she said she would rather there be no stress and just leave her out. Together the 2 of them have always got along famously, they were bf since reception, but when someone else falls into the equation there has been trouble.

I am quite honestly terrified of being dressed down and skinned alive by bf's mother, We meet regularly in a group of mums, and i know something will kick off. (3 family friends are in the same group of mums) so i cant hide the fact that a party is on the horizon.

I feel dd should just invite this girl, where as my dd is adamant NO!

ChippingIn · 01/10/2011 17:55

forrestgump - I wouldn't make her invite her - it's her birthday, how it impacts on you really isn't her problem is it? I would call your friend, say that you are sorry DD is not inviting her DD but they seem to have had a falling out over something, so that's that.

If she has a problem with that then she's not much of a friend.

ChippingIn · 01/10/2011 17:55

misdee - how rude was she???? I think that's totally different to my suggestion of checking the invite wasn't lost at school.

FlossieFromCrapstonVillas · 01/10/2011 18:04

Friendships change and move on...you have nothing to be afraid of, forrestgump. As ChippingIn has said, if anything is said you can just say something about leaving the guest list to your dd and there seems to have been a falling out.

forehead · 01/10/2011 19:41

TBH , i think that you should forget it. I understand why you are upset, but you really have to get over it
Your dd has to learn that these things happen.
Whatever you do dont get in touch with the mother, you will just look desperate.

ll31 · 01/10/2011 20:32

best advice is ignore. esp if ur dd is not concerned - avoid making her aware how upset u are on her behalf

Maryz · 01/10/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 21:08

Sorry! yes just found out the invite was lost! Sorry for wasting your time Blush

OP posts:
Maryz · 01/10/2011 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

forehead · 01/10/2011 21:13

Advice is still useful for others.

t0lk13n · 01/10/2011 23:06

Hope your little girl enjoys her party

W6mum · 01/10/2011 23:22

YABU - take your DD somewhere nice for the afternoon and explain the facts of life - of the type where people get excluded, not everyone wins, some people are not so popular etc

cantspel · 01/10/2011 23:51

You cant include everyone your child is friendly with in every party.
If i had to do this for my youngest i would have had to hire the Albert hall and had a budget the size of the national debt.
He went to a small primary school of one class per year and so was friendly with 99% of the class plus a few others from other year groups. He played in a local football club so there was another 15 boys, at least half a dozen children who were the children of my friends who he would socalise with plus various cousins and extended family members children.

bebanjo · 02/10/2011 00:31

I don't get it, this women should pay out an extra £20- £30, just so that no one is offended? why?
So you helped the mum, good for you, did you do it out of friendship for the mum or to back up your child's friendship?
if the children fall out do you fall out with the mother?

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2011 04:31

I wonder how many of those who have been told 'the invite went missing' were actually just being appeased by the family after putting them in an awkward position?

If faced with it, how many would actually say 'I only allowed Tommy to invite 8 friends, so sorry, no Jimmy isn't invited?' or just give in & make out that the invite went missing, so there was no argument?

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2011 04:40

As an adult when I have a party etc, I invite everyone who needs to be invited, some of whom I may not deeply love, but who to not invite would cause upset and friction

No one actually NEEDS to be invited anywhere, especially if the host isn't that keen on them! Inviting people you don't like, aren't keen on etc to a party just to prevent 'upset' on their part is ludicrous! If I don't like someone, or just have a passing regard for someone, I wouldn't invite them to my house/party whatever!

I think sometimes people need to see that the world doesn't revolve around them & it isn't a bad lesson to learn that we can't always get what we want.

differentnameforthis · 02/10/2011 04:47

the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.....and for how weak and on the spot i was put

Which prompted misdee into including this child against her wishes & having to go to extra trouble. Which is, imo an absolutely awful position to be put in & why you should never questions invites...That is what lack manners most, imo!

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 02/10/2011 08:38

differentname I have to admit, I have done the "invite went missing at school" thing to a mum that questioned whether her DD was invited to DD's party as my DD went to her party. The mum was clearly upset at her DD's lack of invite and I couldn't bring myself to upset her more by saying actually her DD wasn't invited....