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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed of about DD not being invited to birthday party?

101 replies

BakerBinky · 01/10/2011 09:50

DD's birthday was last month (she turned 6), we invited all the girls in the class at DD's request and it was great, good time had by all.

One of the girls is having her bday party this weekend and has invited almost all the girls in the class, including DD's best friend, but not DD. Feel quite disappointed by this because I have always gone out of my way to be kind to her mother who was ill over the Summer, offering to look after her DC's if she needed a rest. Her DS and mine are friends too and they live in teh next road so we see each other daily.

AIBU to be pissed off by this?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 14:58

If you are good friends, I'd ask when I saw her, along the lines of: I hope you don't mind me asking, but dd is worried that she has upset x in some way, I have told her that of course she can't be expected to be invited to every party, but I thought I'd better jsut check in case there is a problem and she has upset x.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:06

But here DD is not worried she might have upset her...the OP says they haven't fallen out...and they are not best friends but they are friendly.

OP, honestly please don't say anything or you'll risk coming across as entitled in some way.

No-one has a God given right to have their child invited to anything.

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:07

No worra, but it's a tactful way of enquiring.

I'd bloody well want to know. In my book people don't carry on like that, tis bad manners and lacks lovingkindness.

BrawToken · 01/10/2011 15:08

I hate this - my eldest dd is 13 and shit like this still happens to her. Makes me maaaad!

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:10

Me too.

As an adult when I have a party etc, I invite everyone who needs to be invited, some of whom I may not deeply love, but who to not invite would cause upset and friction.

Manners.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:10

How is it bad manners Hully?

I genuinely don't understand why this child should be invited to the party of a child she's simply friendly with.

If they were best friends then fair enough, but they're not and she's not the only girl who hasn't been invited.

This is madness. Since when did everyone become so entitled?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 01/10/2011 15:10

YABU. It's life, no point pretending otherwise. People are entitled to invite who they like. I don't understand why people think they can dictate other people's guest lists. See wedding threads for proof...

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:13

This is like an extension of the school sports day where there are no winners and no losers and everyone has to be the same as everyone else.

As human beings we all prefer some of our friends over other friends and when it comes to limited numbers, choices have to be made.

Children need to learn that just as they always have since time began.

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:16

They do worra. But where i think manners comes in is that sometimes there are social connections and obligations that have to be honoured. It is polite to return an invitation having received one; the parents are friends; the other siblings are friends; most of the children, including the bf were invited. In all, it wasn't a casual classmate being passed over. And most importantly, hurt was caused. I think it is best to avoid causing hurt wherever possible throughout life.

zipzap · 01/10/2011 15:18

I like hullygully's question to the mum.

Has your dd said if she has been invited by the other girl or has the girl told her that she is or isn't coming? Might give you a steer on how to pitch it at the mum if you decide to. Ds was told by one of his friends that he'd be invited to his party, invites came out and he didn't get one. Boy had explained that hiswhen he came to do his invites he only had xx spaces because that's all his mum would let him have so ds wasn't included and he was fine with that. Similar thing happened again, didn't really chase it, turns out he had been invited but invite had been lost.

Oakmaiden · 01/10/2011 15:18

This happened to my son not so long ago - except the whole class was invited but not him. I thought it was odd, as he was good friends with the birthday child, so I spoke to a mutual friend. I got her to text the child's mother with a casual - oh, I mentioned you child's party to Oak, but she said she hadn't had an invitation for her child. Just thought I would mention it to you incase the invite went missing". Turns out the invitation did go missing, and the Mum texted me to invite my son. I thought going through a 3rd party would take the embarrassment out of the situation for both myself and the other mum.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:18

Fair enough Hully but what I actually think is best is that the guest list is left mainly to the person whose Birthday it is.

I always thought Party Politics meant something else entirely, or at least it did in my day

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:20

Oh and never ask anyone why your child hasn't been invited to a party unless you're ready for the brutal truth.

It could of course be a numbers thing or it could be because the parents really can't stand your child.

If they were honest about the latter part, that's a whole new can of worms right there.

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:21

worra, yes, "mainly," but with a parental eye on the manners side being cast over it. It's equally, if not more important, for children to learn social etiquette, obligations and manners, and that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to because they are the right thing to do.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:25

Meh! I do understand you point Hully but then I stop and remind myself it's a kid's Birthday party and it kind of puts it into perspective.

They're supposed to be fun.

When did they get this complicated?

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:26

And I can't believe I just typed 'Meh!'

I've never even said that in my life, let alone typed it before

GwendolineMaryLacey · 01/10/2011 15:26

What other situation is there where you would have to invite someone because it's the right thing to do? Judging by posts on here that's all gone out of the window so a little hypocritical to make your children do it.

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:26

life is complicated, worra...nobody said it was going to be easy, did they now?

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:27

But we must strive to reintroduce manners and courtesy Gwen, must we not?

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:27

I think all kids should be born on 29th February personally.

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:28

Now that IS a good idea.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 01/10/2011 15:29

Indeed we must hully :o

FlossieFromCrapstonVillas · 01/10/2011 15:30

What would be rude and bad manners is questioning the child's Mother about the invitation.

worraliberty · 01/10/2011 15:35

Flossie yes that actually would be very rude, I agree.

Hullygully · 01/10/2011 15:35

Not with my tactful and concerned polite enquiry.

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