To be pissed of about DD not being invited to birthday party?

[BakerBinky]

DD's birthday was last month (she turned 6), we invited all the girls in the class at DD's request and it was great, good time had by all.

One of the girls is having her bday party this weekend and has invited almost all the girls in the class, including DD's best friend, but not DD. Feel quite disappointed by this because I have always gone out of my way to be kind to her mother who was ill over the Summer, offering to look after her DC's if she needed a rest. Her DS and mine are friends too and they live in teh next road so we see each other daily.

AIBU to be pissed off by this?

We have never invited a whole class, just cant afford to. I'm sure some of the uninvited assume that they're the only ones missing out, but of course, there are many. Maybe this is the case here?

YABVU!

When will people learn that other people have budgets and number limits?

Just because you were able to invite all the girls in the class, that doesn't mean this mother was able to.

For all you know she could be strapped for cash or her numbers could involve some family members too.

Let it go! At least she hasn't invited all the girls bar your DD.

YANBU I would have thought she would have included an invite if your dd are friends and you have been kind to her, its a matter or politeness.

I do not understand birthday party politics, if this is not a best friend of your DD then I wouldn't expect to have an invite just because you invited her or you know the other parent.

Sometimes my DC have felt they should have had an invite but I remind them that not everyone can invite all the class and sometimes people have to choose. It's a fact of life that needs to be learned.

Gould blimy the mum is allowed to feel upset about the situation, we have feelings as adults and are only human, obviously don't display them in front of your dd, but take her out and have a fantastic day. Yes ask the party mum if they had a good party and hope it went well

Offering to look after someone's children is kind, but kind as it was to offer, this doesn't mean she is forever indebted to you. Maybe the girls aren't as close as you think they are. Could be anything.

I really wouldn't get upset by this on your daughter's behalf. Young children often take whatever comes their way and learn to react to disappointments/difficulties by watching their Parents. Show your daughter that it isn't a big deal and it wont be for her either.
This kind of thing is exactly why it has put me in a panic that my little girl wants a 5th birthday party with 'some' of her classmates invited. I am already wondering how many mums are going to see their backside if their child is not on the guestlist but no way I'm hosting a party for 50+ 5 year olds

Why would you even ask? It's putting her deliberately on the spot.

Just gotta let it go.

Which Baker may have done but I'm in the bath with my iPhone and keep clicking this thread!!!!!

I totally agree with Flossie I can imagine the other Mums AIBU thread and it's responses now.

I am probably a stingy and harsh mother but I wouldn't even do 1 unless had planned to take them out anyway. Having a treat day because your Mum is sad you didn't get invited to a not particularly close friends party seems ridiculously indulgent to me.

YANBU to feel a little dissappointed for your dd, but saying something to the mother would be seriously bad form. IMO.

Tough one.

Personally I'd say nothing and do something special with DD on the day.

This happens at DS school and it's rarely for financial reason. More social engineering than anything else. In those instances I feel grateful not to have to deal with the kids loathsome parents.

Children's birthday parties are such a minefield... One girl from my children's school once invited all the children in the school (it's a small school, less than 60 children from foundation to year 6), except one brother and sister because the families had some sort of falling out.

Never mind child-free weddings, I'm beginning to think child-free birthday parties are the way to go!

I am probably a stingy and harsh mother but I wouldn't even do 1 unless had planned to take them out anyway. Having a treat day because your Mum is sad you didn't get invited to a not particularly close friends party seems ridiculously indulgent to me.

Absolutely!

And yet it's always suggested on these threads. Where would that end? PFB doesn't get invited to Joe Blogg's party so to deal with the disappointment, they get taken for a day out...along with any siblings of course to make it fair.

A couple of days later, younger sibling doesn't get invited to a party...so to 'deal with' the disappointment, another day out is arranged!

Lets bloody hope sibling number 3 or 4 gets an invite to a party or the family calendar is going to be chocka block with 'disappointment days'

And of course none of them learn to deal with reality and move on

Perfect opportunity to highlight that a party is actually for the birthday child. Theirs will come around soon enough.

YABVU.

Yes DC may get upset at not being invited to the party. But this isn't a bad thing. DC need to learn they won't get invited to everything and deal with any disappointment.

You are not owed an invite because you have been kind to the mum, live in the next road or invited her DC to your DC's party. I give my DC's a limit of how many they can invite and they choose who to invite. This will include DC from school, sports club and relatives. If I had invited all girls from class, plus others DD wanted to invite, I would have had a very large group of kids in my house - and I don't want to deal with that.

Not all the girls in your DD class have been invited. If she had invited you she may have felt obliged to invite other girls in class as well increasing the numbers.

And yes I think it is fine for adults to not invite some friends sometimes as well. I have a group of friends. Sometimes we will do things altogether, sometimes as a smaller group. I think thats fine. I probably wouldn't organise something and leave just 1 out. But I would invite 6 and leave 2 out.

And polarmonkey - If thats how you feel about the parents - loathsome - that may come across in your attitude to the other parents. I would be reluctant to invite a DC and her mum to an event if it is obvious the mother looks down on me. And i totally understand anyone else doing the same.

It is understandable to be upset, but rise above it and say nothing to the other mother. I'd be glad of not having to buy a present, or have you day ruled by drop off and collection times (bit mean spirited I know.)

I know it won't be popular (never has been before) but that's life. Good lesson to learn that you don't always get included in everything, that no-one is obliged to invite to their house/party etc. And that sometimes, you just don't get to go to the party!

My dd & her friend used to get invited (as a pair) to everyone's party, because everyone knew they were good friends. They changed schools together for various reasons & are in the same class. Her friend was invited to a party & dd didn't. Dd was fine, said 'well I don't really play with X much & I don't expect to be invited all the time' But then, dd was invited to a sleepover party & her friend wasn't. And there were tears & tantrums the entire 10 minute walk home & she refused to talk to dd.

IMO, they need to learn that these things will happen & need to be taught by adults how to learn to live with it.

Please don't text her about it. You will be creating an awkward situation, imo. What's done is done. Explain to your dd that you just don't get invited everywhere.

I meant to add that my dd was 7 at the time this all happened, (which was just a few months ago) so your dd is well able to understand. My dd's friend has a huge sense of self entitlement, very recently demanding that dh & I take her on a cinema trip we took our dds on. We didn't take her, of course!

It's so difficult all this kids' party malarky isn't it? I can see it from both sides really.

We had parties when DD1 was at primary school where it seemed that everyone else in the class except her was invited. It is hurtful and I can see why you're upset about it, but I always just told myself that I wouldn't want DD to go to a party where she was left out in an unkind manner anyway.

Now on the flip side, I am planning DD2's party; she has chosen which friends she wants to come and I am weighing up whether or not I need to invite the daughters of a couple of good friends of mine, who are in her year at school but not in her friendship group. I'm going to invite them as we've always invited each others' DDs to our childrens' parties but now the girls are getting older it seems a bit unnecessary, but at the same time I don't want to upset my friends and I think for the sake of a few extra quid in costs I may as well invite them.

I hope you get it sorted, I would probably not approach the friend and just reassure your daughter that it is because of costs and number restrictions, and leave it at that.

Social engineering is loathsome. I don't look up or down at anyone- just straight in the eye. Actually it's more like the belly button these days.

Furthermore would be difficult for any of the parents to form any opinion of me as I'm not at the school gate. DS has only been at the school a year and I worked full-time until a few months ago. Now I'm at home because I have a tumour on my spine.

No not saying that you should only do something for someone to expect something back, but to feel appreciated. Yes the op dd was friends with this girl, she has every right to feel a bit miffed about it. We cannot just cut off our feelings like that.

Is r DD upset or is it just you? None of us like to see our children upset, but it is our job to teach emotional resilience - being able to deal with disappointment graciously is a very important life skill.

Aw BakerBinky, is your DD bothered or not? Tbh if she seems okay about it (and I would include bemused) then just leave it. Tell her that it's difficult to invite everyone to a house party because of space and leave it at that.
When it's her birthday again she can invite whoever she wants (which might or might not include this girl).
Feelings are personal so YANBU to feel hurt for her. She will be fine though, just say hello as usual on Monday and leave it at that.