to ask DH to consider turning down 'the role of a lifetime' so we can adopt?

[arrivehopefully]

DH and I are 32 and 37. We have recently come to the decision to start a family and have decided on adoption (for medical reasons but it is a decision we are very very positive about).

However DH has been offered a 3-year contract heading up his company's new US office. This is a massive opportunity for him and is pretty much his dream job. We have lived abroad in the past and very much enjoyed it.

If we go to the USA we won't be able to adopt while there, so would have to wait until we returned to the UK (I had hoped this wasn't the case but it is). Adoption in the UK is a far from straightforward process anyway and it could easily be another three years or more until we did become parents.

Part of me is saying, it's only three years, we should go and enjoy the time (I would be able to work as I have done before when we've been abroad), life will be financially more comfortable when we return so we'll be better placed to be prospective adoptive parents anyway. It's a big opportunity for DH.

Part of me - my 'gut feeling' I suppose - is screaming that it would be three years of limbo for me if we went. I am so ready to begin building our family. It is at the front of my mind all the time. I have had crazy thoughts about looking again at donor gametes and surrogacy which were thoughts I thought I'd worked through years ago.

But it's not immediate; if we stayed it wouldn't guarantee us anything. Except DH's resentment I mentioned just briefly that we definitely couldn't adopt and although he was upset he wasn't devastated like I am.

I think that if I made it an ultimatum, he would turn down the role. But I would feel really guilty and as I say it wouldn't guarentee anything. But that's what I want to do - I want to tell him we have to stay here, and start the process.

AIBU? I am honestly shocked by the vehemence of my reaction.

According to this website, the average cost of surrogacy in the USA is more like 60 to 80 thousand dollars. I bet it's the cost of donor eggs that are making up the difference. IVF is between 5k and 8k.
pregnancy.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Average_Cost_of_Surrogacy
Donor sperm is (in fertility treatment circles) as cheap as chips. :)www.spermbankcalifornia.com/sperm-bank-cost.html

So it could still be an option for you if you can't afford 120 thousand dollars. It's emotionally different to adoption though, so you would both have to be happy with it.

By the way, if you went to the USA, what would you actually do? Would you have a life of your own, or would you spend all your time being the "corporate wife"? If your role would be to support your husband, would there be opportunities for you to do something interesting or something to expand your life?

I also completely agree that you should both find out more about your chances of adopting in the UK before you go. If you stay here, but don't make it past the first hurdle, there is the chance of great resentment. If you go and are treated as new arrivals in the UK when you resent, ditto. But it's all theoretical at the moment. You need facts to make a proper informed decision.

Dreadful dilemma to be in. :(

Apologies if you have answered this, but cant you try adopting in the US?

Hello again!

That went very well all things considered. We're going to make some calls on Monday and make sure we're correct about certain things but what was clear over the walk and talk was that:

• we want to adopt, not do surrogacy with donor gametes (unless we are unable to adopt)
• we want to adopt from the UK if possible
• we both want to be parents more than we want this job/to live in the US
• we would rather stay than try to make a more permanent move to the US

So that is a big relief for me.

Just to reiterate because it is confusing - we would be in the USA under the standard temp. visas, it would be different if we had green cards but we would not be allowed to adopt INTO the US (as the child would be a citizen), and if we tried to adopt a US citizen it would take longer than the three years we have there.

Could you talk to adoption agency about your possible plans to move abroad and see if you could still get ball rolling and eg make return trips here for interviews etc? Easy enough to keep in touch with email etc these days.

I thought I'd update this post to thank everyone who took the time to reply, which I really appreciated, and let you know that after speaking to a specialist today we've made the decision to stay in the UK. We will be beginning the adoption process immediately.

Wishing you every luck with the adoption process and I hope you are successful as soon as possible.

I am based in the US.

A close friend is just starting the adoption process here. Her and her husband are English on working visas. They have a child already, naturally but are unable to conceive again due to fertility issues. They had started the process in the UK over 3 years ago but as yet have been unsuccessful and since they decided to move to the US they have had to stop the process in the UK.

When they met with the person regarding the adoption process here they were told that they were eligible to adopt, it would have to be a US adoption (not international). The birth parent would have to "choose" them and the process could be as quick as 6 months!!, but obviously longer if you weren't chosen. They calculated that it would cost them about $30,000 in total.

Congratulations on your decision to stay in the UK, but just in case your circumstances change you may want to research adoption in the US a bit further.

Wishing you all the best

Glad you've reached a decision you're happy with. Best of luck with the adoption process and hope it won't be too long before you can start your family :)

I'm pleased you have reached a decision, I hope DH isn't too disappointed not to be going, but I think it's a really good decision you have made.

GOOD LUCK

Please let us know how you get on!

Oh that is lovely news - best of luck with it! :)