to ask DH to consider turning down 'the role of a lifetime' so we can adopt?

[arrivehopefully]

DH and I are 32 and 37. We have recently come to the decision to start a family and have decided on adoption (for medical reasons but it is a decision we are very very positive about).

However DH has been offered a 3-year contract heading up his company's new US office. This is a massive opportunity for him and is pretty much his dream job. We have lived abroad in the past and very much enjoyed it.

If we go to the USA we won't be able to adopt while there, so would have to wait until we returned to the UK (I had hoped this wasn't the case but it is). Adoption in the UK is a far from straightforward process anyway and it could easily be another three years or more until we did become parents.

Part of me is saying, it's only three years, we should go and enjoy the time (I would be able to work as I have done before when we've been abroad), life will be financially more comfortable when we return so we'll be better placed to be prospective adoptive parents anyway. It's a big opportunity for DH.

Part of me - my 'gut feeling' I suppose - is screaming that it would be three years of limbo for me if we went. I am so ready to begin building our family. It is at the front of my mind all the time. I have had crazy thoughts about looking again at donor gametes and surrogacy which were thoughts I thought I'd worked through years ago.

But it's not immediate; if we stayed it wouldn't guarantee us anything. Except DH's resentment I mentioned just briefly that we definitely couldn't adopt and although he was upset he wasn't devastated like I am.

I think that if I made it an ultimatum, he would turn down the role. But I would feel really guilty and as I say it wouldn't guarentee anything. But that's what I want to do - I want to tell him we have to stay here, and start the process.

AIBU? I am honestly shocked by the vehemence of my reaction.

When you say if you gave your dh an ultimatum he would stay in the UK it makes me wonder if he is staying in the UK for you or to adopt.

Btw my db is 43 and adopted twins less than 2 yrs ago - he has never said anything about age being a problem. His dw is 37

You have to be sure that your marriage will stay strong if you ask your husband to turn the job down - if there's any shakiness or resentment then the adoption process is going to amplify that.

I know a couple who jumped through all the adoption hoops and were ultimately turned down because the social worker felt that their relationship as a couple wasn't right. This couple do a lot of voluntary work with children and were willing to adopt an older or disabled child - you really would have thought SS would be biting their arm off to be adoptive parents. There are no guarantees.

OP-Have you looked into adoption ie attended the initial meetings etc?

Would you consider fostering, many foster placements go on to be adoptions for children under the age of three. This is one reason why there are less babies for adoption, the foster carers generally take them.

I would suggest counselling as you will need to have gone through this process anyway under the UK adoption system. Many adopted children go and live with their birth/bio families (extended also) once they hit 14 and the law allows them to. Birth families are often awarded 'letter box contact', so the bond is never fully broken.

I would also educate yourself as much as possible about childcare/child development/psychology etc.

Even if a child is adopted at birth they have questions about their birth family and you will be dealing with all of this, read biographies about adults who have been adopted, have a working knowledge about the issues for both the adopted family and the adopted person.

If the child has siblings, sibling contact must be followed through, you may have done this, so sorry if you have.

Would you consider a disabled child? and remember not all disabilities are diagnosed at birth. I am working with a family that have had problems because of the 'invisable' disabilities of the birth parent, the children, including 'unborn' will not be able to be diagnosed until at least 10 yeras old.

You need to work through all of this and your DH, also, otherwise this wouldn't be successful, anyway.

I won't list why there is the encouragement for families to change so that they can keep their children, this thread isn't about that.

Just to add, the health of the adopting parent, both pysical and emotional, mental is very important.

Here is some basic stuff, i would contact someone for advice.

Sorry.
www.bbc.co.uk/health/support/...adoption/adopt.shtml

You may have an plan in your head that you couldn't achieve, anyway and it would be a shame to turn down a job opportunity on that basis.

I think one of the difficulties you (& anyone else) will face, is the huge amount of indecision, changeability and lack of guarantees with adoption. No one is a "shoe-in", and that attitude will not necessarily help.
Our sw told us that out of the initial home visits (where social workers visit prospective adopters to assess whether or not they will be invited to apply to be adopters) only 20% will actually make it through to the next stage.

The "3 years to adopt" that everyone is referring to, is a bit of a red herring. The truth is that everyone has a different journey, and you, as prospective adopters, can't predict anything. For us, it took just under 18 months from prep group to matching panel - that includes all the home study, assessments, crb checks, medicals, 2nd opinions visits, approval panel and then being linked and matched. We have friends, however (in a different la) who took 2 years to get to approval panel, and are still waiting to be linked 18 months later.
There are babies in the system, and the guidelines are 40 years between your age and the age of the child, as a maximum gap. Foster carers don't "generally" take the babies, but some la's will support concurrent adoption- where you foster and then apply to adopt your foster child once placed. This process is even more gruelling, however, and again, no guarantees.

Op, you have to weigh up what's important to your family- once we started the process, our lives were very much on hold and it consumed us, every single day. You have to jump through so many hoops, and meet so many stringent criteria, you can't think of, or do, anything else. But you BOTH have to be 100% committed, or it won't work.
Personally, in your situation, i would have started the adoption process. Not quite as glamorous as your dh, but my dh turned down 2 job offers in this country to enable us to proceed.
and as i look at my 2 year-old little boy- who came to us at 4 months old, who takes my breath away with his presence, and who i never, ever thought i would be lucky enough to have, then i have to tell you how worth it, it all was, and i would have given up absolutely anything to have these moments.
If you proceed with the adoption, the love and joy that it will bring, will blow your mind every day.

Sorry for the lengthy post- i would encourage you, personally, to take this journey. There will be other jobs, but there may only be one shot at adopting...

Oh, and the contact with birth family- siblings, birth parents, whether direct or indirect, doesn't always happen, so you can't let that idea put you off. As with everything else, each individual case is assessed on the needs of that specific child.

Can you not adopt in the US?

I've just skim read this so possibly it has been suggested already. Have you considered Thailand or Cambodia or Vietnam to adopt from?
We lived in Bangkok and four of our friends adopted from orphanages there.
Obviously they had to go through background checks, but the system seemed much easier than when DH and I looked into it in England.
Good luck.

Sterry- i have had five recent cases were the adopters were foster carers, it depends on the LA that you are under, in my area there are a reasonable amount of babies that are entitled to sibling contact, as it tends to be large families having children removed, then a CP plan put on to 'unborn'. that where the changability does come in, you are waiting for court decisions, that sometimes begger belief.

I am a CP SW, though, not the SW handling the adoption, my sister does handle and interview potential adopters, under a different affulent LA. A lot of potential adopters that are turned down have a unrealisic view of themselves as 'rescuers of the disadvantaged'. The SW will, if they can talk through other options.

I am a Supervising Social worker so work in fostering. We have alot of contact with the adoption teams.

Fostering is quite different to adoption in that there is an expectation the foster carers support contact with the birth family (around 5 times a week for a baby). However, you may want to consider long term fostering but which would involve less contact. The difference between adoption and fostering is that you would still have a level of involvement with social workers throughout whereas this is not the case with adoption.

Adopting a baby is quite difficult as there are not that many waiting to be adopted. Older children, boys and sibling groups are more difficult to place. If you came forward and said you would adopt a sibling group they would snap your hand off!! And it is so so important that siblings stay together

I have seen the amazing joy that children bring to people's lives adopted and fostered and the positive and dramatic changes in children once they are placed. Arrange to talk to a social worker as different authorities work in different ways. I work in any inner city authority where alot of children and fostered and larger numbers are waiting to be adopted. However, not all authorities do and it may be more difficult in some areas.

Talk to the social worker get he/she to answer all your questions and then start your adoption application ASAP!!

OP before you adopt from abroad, consider the health implications of the child because if there is going to be a question mark over this, you will find long term fostering of a disabled child in this country easier than adoption. You can then apply for Special Guardianship, if not adoption.

An adoption from some countries will not be recognised under UK law and you may find the child being removed, if only temporarily, on returning. These laws have been extended after the V Climbie case (2000) and they are looking to increase them. So you need to take advice on this.

Why can't you adopt in the US? It is easier there, but do you have to be American? I have English friends , living in France, who adopted in France, and are having some problems with baby's nationality, but nothing insurmountable,

Take the job, adopt in a country with a more rational simpler process than the UK. Both dreams fulfilled. Sorted.

Sorry, birds - i didn't mean to imply that you were wrong. I think it demonstrates that there isn't any real correlation from one adoption to the next! Your experience is very much foster to adopt, and my experience (4 other adoptive families plus us) is straight adoption. Actually, very useful for op to hear both of our experiences, as it shows that you actually shouldn't "plan" for anything.
We have sibling contact with only 4 of ds's siblings, and nothing with the other 5. There is no letterbox birth family contact for us. Every case is different. As a sw, birdsgottafly's input is invaluable!
all i would say is, op, you both have to be on board- but the process is invasive, intrusive and lengthy. I wouldn't put it off, as long as you both want it.

My heart goes out to you, what a dreadful position to be in. is it possible to sign up to stay in the US on a more longterm basis and then adopt while there?

Thankyou so much for your replies. We are going out for a walk and a talk now DH has emerged

Thankyou to all of you. I feel much clearer in my own mind about what I want and what I am asking. I woke up absolutely clear in my mind that for me, I'd prefer us to stay.

I hope your walk/talk goes well :)

I don't know the ins and outs of the US situation.
What I do know for 100% sure is that good friends of ours moved to the US 5 or 6 years ago knowing they couldn't have children. About 2 years after moving, they were assessed to foster with a view to adoption, almost immediately were asked to foster a newborn, then adopted him officially 6m-12m later.
They are not US citizens, nor do they have US family. Both work there as specialists in their fields so have green cards.
They have had a universally positive experience with adoption. I have no idea if they paid for this (it's not the sort of thing you can ask!) but I got the impression not.

I really would look into adopting from overseas whilst in the us.there is a tv program on here and every day it shows people from often very modest backgrounds adopting via private agencies so it must be within the average person,s means.

My friend has just had a son at 47 with surrogate egg and husband,s sperm, but she carried baby so I guess that is cheaper. I see a lot of older mums here with adopted babies from overseas so I am guessing it is easier here. But then in the us, everyone just pays for things so maybe that is why....diff system.
Good luck but don,t rule out 3years in the us. You could make it happen here.

However DH has been offered a 3-year contract heading up his company's new US office. This is a massive opportunity for him and is pretty much his dream job

Be careful in pushing too hard IMO....if he resents it, you will wind up with neither an adoption or a husband. I would go with Waltraut's suggestion as that covers both dreams.

Just as an aside I was chatting to a social worker and apparently they are too quick to take kids from bparents here so there are a lot of kids needing adopting and fostering.she reckons 90per cent of foster parents do it for the income and she sees awful treatment by foster carers....over her years of being in that field so she is also pro the kids staying with bio parents if possible. Anyway I think the system is different here.there are financial incentives for children being taken into care. Kind of sad I think.but it could make it easier for you to adopt here somehow.the red tape is crazy in the uk but a friend did manage to adopt a baby.......after turning ip at the appeal and making av
Very passionate case to the 'judge' so it is possible and she was early 40's. Just an anecdote to encourage you really.

Why not go for 3 years in the us and see what it brings? I know you do want to adopt however why not explore about surrogacy while you are there. I think I'd take the opportunity and use it to possibly come back with a child or two rather than think of it as 3 years in limbo.

YANBU