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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH to consider turning down 'the role of a lifetime' so we can adopt?

87 replies

arrivehopefully · 30/09/2011 22:45

DH and I are 32 and 37. We have recently come to the decision to start a family and have decided on adoption (for medical reasons but it is a decision we are very very positive about).

However DH has been offered a 3-year contract heading up his company's new US office. This is a massive opportunity for him and is pretty much his dream job. We have lived abroad in the past and very much enjoyed it.

If we go to the USA we won't be able to adopt while there, so would have to wait until we returned to the UK (I had hoped this wasn't the case but it is). Adoption in the UK is a far from straightforward process anyway and it could easily be another three years or more until we did become parents.

Part of me is saying, it's only three years, we should go and enjoy the time (I would be able to work as I have done before when we've been abroad), life will be financially more comfortable when we return so we'll be better placed to be prospective adoptive parents anyway. It's a big opportunity for DH.

Part of me - my 'gut feeling' I suppose - is screaming that it would be three years of limbo for me if we went. I am so ready to begin building our family. It is at the front of my mind all the time. I have had crazy thoughts about looking again at donor gametes and surrogacy which were thoughts I thought I'd worked through years ago.

But it's not immediate; if we stayed it wouldn't guarantee us anything. Except DH's resentment Sad I mentioned just briefly that we definitely couldn't adopt and although he was upset he wasn't devastated like I am.

I think that if I made it an ultimatum, he would turn down the role. But I would feel really guilty and as I say it wouldn't guarentee anything. But that's what I want to do - I want to tell him we have to stay here, and start the process.

AIBU? I am honestly shocked by the vehemence of my reaction.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 30/09/2011 23:24

Why have you assumed that you can't adopt in the States?

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 30/09/2011 23:24

Gosh what a predicament.

Children are more important than any job. If he is that good, then another opportunity will come along, but there is a chop off point with adoption and age.

But it comes down to his dream, or yours. And don't apologise for 'only' wanting to be a Mum. It is all I ever wanted as well.

serin · 30/09/2011 23:24

What about if you adopted from abroad? Would they let you pursue this from the US? even though you would be returning to the UK?

I agree with all the other posters that it is an awful situation for you both though.

cantspel · 30/09/2011 23:25

How about going to american and looking into overseas adoption.
I read an article in the daily mail ( iknow everyone says they hate the dm but everyone still seems to read it) where a uk couple adopted in mexico and mexico is very close to the us so might be an option for you.

Original poster
arrivehopefully · 30/09/2011 23:27

We can't adopt in the US as non-residents. A very kind Mner on the adoption board wrote me a very descriptive post explaining why - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/a1311621-Not-sure-where-to-put-this-want-to-adopt-but-about-to-move-to-the-USA#27691194

I had thought we could adopt from abroad from the US too but no.

OP posts:
maypole1 · 30/09/2011 23:41

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2043555/Couple-went-Mexico-escape-UKs-twisted-adoption-system.html

In my view judges and social workers are opposed to adoption not sure why I really feel its the way they re taught at uni

If your looking for a older child their are plenty but if you want to adopt a child under one forget it my foster child waited five years for a ruling to be made on her case she is the rule not the expetion

If your lucky you may get a toddler but to be honest I think your better of finding a surregrot in the us the rules seem a bit more measured their.

Its almost like social workers and judges can not compute that some parents just are not up to the job hence them trying for years to reabuiltate the parent to no avail to the Childs detriment

maypole1 · 30/09/2011 23:45

But what about a surrgoget from the us surely you don't need to be a us citizen for someone so sign over a baby thats bio one of yours

scottishmummy · 30/09/2011 23:46

dm link and conspiracy theory about sw and judiciary alleged views on adoption
blimey you're extremely misguided

Quintessentialist · 30/09/2011 23:49

What a tough decision. Please find out if it matters whether you have lived outside the uk for a time period or not, prior to adopting. After returning to the UK after several years abroad, I find that different rules apply to me now, as "new" to the uk. It does not matter that we have lived here before. If you go, and return, your recidency is calculated from your last entry. Please find out if you are still eligible to adopt at all if you have been abroad for a number of years. It may not matter at all, but if if it DOES matter, you are going to kick yourself if you did not know about it.

ChippingIn · 30/09/2011 23:53

That's a really good point Quint.

Arrivehopefully - I doubt a private surrogacy in the US would cost you anything like that.

maypole1 · 30/09/2011 23:59

Sorry but I happen to work in social services and I can tell you it took five years of ss trying to convince a judge to allow fc to be adopted, to no avail

After five years of no shows, assaulting a sw and Turing up to contact on a few occasions on drugs the judge was still convinced fc could live with mum even though in the mean time her other remaing children were removed.

And then after five years of being moved from home to home fc is to messed up to be adopted even if they allowed it has deep attachment issues.

And sadly this is the norm hence so many older children in care they leave them to fester with their abusive parents allow then in and out of care for many years until something really bad happens then the children are to old and damaged for adoption.

We have crazy system were adoptive parents are made to jump through many fences to prove they can parent whiles the bio parents who in many cases abused their children are not even required to turn up to contact, can be abusive, smoke do drugs and still win back custody meanwhile if adoptive parents are not even allowed to be smokers

scottishmummy · 01/10/2011 00:09

not disputing time taken,disputing assertion ist taught or is conspiracy
more like a burdensome,creaky system not completely fit for purpose

maypole1 · 01/10/2011 00:18

Its just its seems their seems to be this rumour that children are all ways do best being brought up by their biological family if that were true ss need not exist

So were do the judges and sw get this from my theory is that it must be in be the teaching

Children are always better off being adopted in to a permeant home than being brought up by an abusive biological parent

scottishmummy · 01/10/2011 00:20

its not necessarily teaching,perhaps its the statutory execution, the safeguarding,the process

maypole1 · 01/10/2011 00:31

I don't know the whole thing is messed up the bench Mark for adopters is to high and the bench Mark for bio parents is to low somethings got t change

scottishmummy · 01/10/2011 00:32

right so we agree?its more creaky system and bureaucracy than wilful conspiracy

WilsonFrickett · 01/10/2011 00:43

I think before you make any decision you need to meet with SW to find out:

If leaving the country for such a long period of time would affect any application - as Quint said, there may be residency issues. There could well be CP issues as well, I honestly don't know.

Realistically, how long will the adoption process take? Will it take longer if you've been out of the country?

And if you don't start the process for a minimum of 3 yrs from now, willmtht have any impact on your eligibility, ie is it possible that one of you will become too old if you add e delay and likely length of process together.

Please don't get your info from the Daily Fail, go in and discuss it with a SW.

Then, when you both have the info, discuss what you're going to do. At the moment you're all emotion (understandably) but you need to get into the facts. And good luck.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 01/10/2011 04:12

If your dh assumes the 'role of a lifetime' what state would you be relocating to?

While you may not be able to adopt a US-born non-related child during your time in the States, you may be able to adopt a child from other countries.

AlpinePony · 01/10/2011 05:10

I know it's already been suggested, but given that this is the "role of a lifetime" - presumably he's not on minimum wage. Throw money at the situation and get your child. 118k is actually "nothing" in the big scheme of things. You might need to forego a few expat-wives-lunches and so forth. Wink

RickGhastley · 01/10/2011 05:17

2 of my work colleagues (UK citizens) have recently had a baby born to a surrogate mother in California. They say they chose California because state law there is very accommodating towards surrogacy. Is this a route you could take?

kat2504 · 01/10/2011 05:21

If you have the money that's fine alps but if she can't carry a baby and her husband is infertile too, how does that work? Can you have surrogacy with donor eggs and sperm? I guess you probably can and it may happen much quicker than adoption at any rate. But even on a good salary it must be hard to get that amount of money together. If I was in that situation I know it would be a complete non-starter. Even if we sold our house we wouldn't be able to get enough money together. If they are rich enough it probably would be the easiest thing to do but I think she has already said it's out of the question.

kat2504 · 01/10/2011 05:25

Of course, if you have surrogacy and use the surrogates eggs instead of your own you would reduce the cost as you will only need artificial insemination of the donor sperm as opposed to ICSI. Taking the IVF element out of it would surely cut the cost down. It wouldn't be your genetic child but neither would an adopted baby.

allhailtheaubergine · 01/10/2011 05:33

Just a thought to add into the pot - although you would be delaying by 3 years and then starting the process so add on another 3 years (minimum) you could then think about adopting more than one child at once (siblings) and then not have to think about going through the whole thing again yet another couple of years down the line.

flossymuldoon · 01/10/2011 06:02

Poor you. I really feel for you and your situation so YANBU.
On one hand it is a fabulous opportunity for both of you but i know what it feels like to long for a child and have to wait and wait.

Just wanted to say that how long the approval process takes here appears to vary widely depending on the LA. We are in Leeds and we had the first visit in Nov 2008, were approved in September 2010 and a child was placed with us in March 2011. Part of the hold up was SS trying to get the CRB stuff. My husband is American and only had 7 years here so they wanted criminal records check in the US and had no idea how to get it. They dragged their heels before telling us what the hold up was (by about 6 months), but then husband managed to get it sorted himself pretty quick by contacting the State Police, getting manual fingerprints done and then sending them off. So, if you do go make sure you get that done as soon as the process starts as it will make things a little quicker.

In fairness we could have got it done a whole lot quicker if we has pushed them. A friend of mine was just over a year between starting the process and placement but she was on their backs to get a move on.

In Leeds the age criteria is that you must be under 65 on the childs 18th birthday so you have enough time. I was 39 and husband 42 when we were approved for 0-2 age range.

callmemrs · 01/10/2011 07:33

It's a really difficult dilemma for you.
A couple of thoughts spring to mind. I don't think it's very helpful for people to just say 'children are more important than a career'as if that should make the decision for you both. O course children are more important. Thats a given. It doesn't automatically follow though that your husband should turn down what sounds like a fabulous opportunity. Even if you could medically conceive and give birth, there are no guarantees in life. You could get your husband to turn down this opportunity and then you may not get your baby anyway- and that would be the case with natural conception or otherwise.

I agree with the idea of talking the whole issue through with a specialist in adoption, but unless there is compelling evidence that this opportuinity would seriously mess things up, I would go for it. You wont be miserable for 3 years, I think the run up to going will be hardest but once you're there you'll embrace it. 'you mention never having really put much emphasis on your own work life but I suggest starting a new course of study or something. A new focus will help. I wont stop you thinking about adopting a child, but like with anything in life, keeping busy and intellectually stimulated will make you feel better