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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be gobsmacked that DD2's Headteacher told her to stop pretending to be ill when she has chronic fatigue.

206 replies

go8smacked · 30/09/2011 21:00

DD2 has been suffering from fatigue for nearly 3 years and is under the care of a paediatrician. School know this and that he will be writing to them to discuss how to manage her fatigue.

Today DD2 was very tired, paediatrician has advised that she needs to go to school but we need to moderate her activity, so I send her to school but go in at 11am to check on her. I can see that she is tired as she is self-soothing (she is always tired to some degree) and when she sees me she pleads to come home. Her teacher (also the headteacher) starts to tell her how she has been fine all morning and to stop making me worry ?!?!?!?!? I'm not happy about leaving her but I don't want to undermine her in front of the now assembled crowd of children. I tell my DD2 that I think she should stay for lunch and that I will phone the school after lunch to see how she is. DD2 is not happy but accepts this.

After lunch it takes 30 minutes before anyone even picks up the phone. The secretary goes to check and comes back to say DD2 has not complained again of being unwell. DD1 & DD2 come home. DD2 say's no-one asked her how she felt but that the headteacher spoke to her about how it was important not to pretend to be ill Shock DD1 says that DD2 was tired at lunch and had to sit on a bench.

I cannot believe that the headteacher has basically accused my DD2 of hypochondria - DD2 was laying it on a bit thick when she saw me but I could see that she was tired.

I have had ME for over 20 years and so I am well acquainted with the symptoms and how people just can't 'see' that you are unwell. However the headteacher knows that DD2 has had extensive tests and regular hospital appointments. I also made a point of updating her medical records to show that she is being assessed for chronic fatigue.

I can't believe that the headteacher has taken DD2 aside and told her to stop lying about being ill. I know I need to speak to the headteacher but at the moment all I want to do is remove all my children from this school.

OP posts:
you · 30/09/2011 22:33

yousank oh okay fair enough, as I said I don't have a 5yr old so I'm not sure. My friend has a 4.9 yr old who started school this year though and I doubt she could lie for toffee! I mean, she might try, but her mum (and anyone tbh) would see right through her. Surely OP knows her DD better than anyone and would know if she was putting on an act? It's not like she's a teenager having mastered the skill of credible acting yet.

captainbarnacle · 30/09/2011 22:34

She isn't merely copying you being ill - she is seeing how you get attention because of your illness. It has possibly made her fatigue into a huge issue. That isn't managing it very well.

garlicslutty · 30/09/2011 22:34

As you haven't told DD she's 'different' I think the teacher's being a prat. DD won't be faking symptoms if she doesn't even know it's an option. My guess is HT thinks you're a worrier and probably doesn't believe in ME/CFS anyway. I do hope the expert's recommendations are clear and reasonable ... though I bet they won't change the teacher's view of 'imaginary illnesses'.

How the bloody hell have you managed to work for 8 years? I can't do more than about half an hour a day!

Bitdifferent · 30/09/2011 22:35

YANBU
And another thing, kelly 2000's oh so helpful comments that your 5 (that's five) yr old dd can phone you herself from a payphone of all things!! My dd aged 5 couldn't phone me from any sort of phone, why would she? They're in yr 1 for goodness sake.

captainbarnacle · 30/09/2011 22:36

I think the OP needs her DD to need her, IYSWIM? So she doesn't see the exaggeration or turning on the 'I'm tired' as soon as she sees her mum. She wants her daughter to need her like that.

Perhaps, OP, AIBU was the wrong place to post if you don't want alternative views of the whole situation.

AnyoneButLulu · 30/09/2011 22:36

Speaking as the parent of a DD who had (probable) Mesenteric Adenitis between the ages of about 3 and 6 I'm firmly on the side of those who say that a child who is prone to genuine sickness can be just as capable of malingering as any other, probably more so. I sympathise with you though OP, because it is a really difficult line to tread.

slavetofilofax · 30/09/2011 22:39

You are twisting your own OP.

You went from saying that the HT had a chat with your dd about how important it is to not pretend to be ill, to saying that the HT accused your dd of hypochondria.

It can't be both, one is ok, one isn't.

Also, you said she was under investigation, then that she was diagnosed, which is it?

Original poster
go8smacked · 30/09/2011 22:40

My DD was just diagnosed last week after 3 years. The school couldn't even be relied upon to keep the activity/symptom diary that they were asked to.

One of the main problems with chronic fatigue is that it can appear invisible until you collapse with exhaustion. The consultant needs her to 'moderate' her activity which means that she shouldn't get to the point of collapse. When she is tired enough for it to be very obvious it is already too late. I judged, having witnessed her symptoms for 3 years, that she was near to the point of extreme tiredness. The school did not know her before she was ill and therefore have seen no change. For them she has always been the same which they take to mean that there is nothing wrong with her.

She has had various illnesses which have exacerbated her conditon including anaemia - they could understand that.

OP posts:
notlettingthefearshow · 30/09/2011 22:42

OP, I think your behaviour has been reasonable, and I'm not surprised you have been sensitive to others' comments because ME is often misunderstood or not classed as an illness, I guess because of lack of knowledge. I have several friends with ME and kids and they all work incredibly hard to give the impression they are fine and managing well. As you say, the symptoms are not visible, which makes some people suspicious.

You must be very upset that your daughter is ill and may suffer as you have done. It is important to have the support of the people your daughter spends time with, ie her school. You should discuss a plan of action with the school so that you know they are taking her illness seriously and also for your piece of mind.

Best of luck.

Original poster
go8smacked · 30/09/2011 22:42

captainbarnacle I don't get any attention because very few people know I have it and I fight it every day. My children don't even know that I am ill.

OP posts:
peterpan99 · 30/09/2011 22:43

go8 genuine question.
I think i my have CF, the sleepiness started at 10yrs old, went to see the doctor recently about it, and he told me he didnt believe in ME, CF and the likes and that i was just a sleepy person Hmm. I grew up living next door to a girl who suffered terribly from ME (couldnt even get upstairs) so i know it does exist, but how do you know if you have it, of CF if your cocking doctor wont even consider it an illness?

PIMSoclock · 30/09/2011 22:43

For what it's worth, my ds has asthma and is allowed to leave class and get his inhaler if he feels wheezy.

He is 6 and he absolutely knows how to turn it on both in and outwith the classroom to get out of things/get attention. I am overprotective following an hdu admission when he was younger.

He also claims 'sore tummys' to get out of school. When I dug into this a little deeper, he thought it wasn't fair that ds2 got to stay at home watching cbeebies and getting looked after by mummy.

I think it can be scary with chronic conditions, I want to know he is safe but in the other hand need to have the confidence to know that sometimes they are just struggling to tell you something else.

I can see that the teacher probably had both your best intentions at heart. Kids do lie and play up to get what they want and parents will make themselves Ill by worrying.

That being said, you need to feel confident that you dd can go to the office if needed and also a doctors report would really help you define when it's ok to leave her and when to take her home.

Don't take it personal this has happened, it could have happened for any chronic disease suffer, but so use it as a platform to open the dialogue channels to you and her consultant

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 30/09/2011 22:43

I too am fascinated to know what you mean by "self soothing", OP, go8smacked, as you've mentioned it a few times.

In all honesty I think you do come across as being a bit hysterical about it all, and almost like you are wanting your DD to say she is ill when she isn't. Sorry if this isn't what you wish to hear but you have posted in AIBU about it...

captainbarnacle · 30/09/2011 22:46

I don't get any attention because very few people know I have it and I fight it every day. My children don't even know that I am ill.

That's great. And well done. I think you need to allow your DD to have the opportunity for the same anonymity about it.

cory · 30/09/2011 22:46

Do we know that the OPs dd sees her getting a lot of attention and is playing up because of this?

This is something that is routinely said to mothers of children with far more non-controversial chronic conditions too; I wish I had a pound for every time it's been said to me, and yet there is no doubt that dd's condition is a) purely physical b) easily diagnosed c) genetic (so not something I could possibly have brought on however OTT my parenting). And yet professionals automatically assume that I must be an overprotective and easily manipulated mother before they've even spoken to me. Gets very tiring.

OP, in a sense it doesn't matter whether you are overprotective or not, it doesn't matter whether the head has overstepped the boundaries or not- what matters now is how you take it from here with the school. These are the people your dd has to work with for several years to come.

I would do the following as a matter of urgency:

contact the school and ask for an appointment with the SENCO

also, get in touch with your paed and ask if he would consider coming into the school- get the school to arrange a meeting for all of you

be totally non-confrontational: what the meeting is about is not to allocate blame to agree a procedure for pacing your dd, a procedure for your dd to follow when she feels overcome by fatigue, and a procedure for staff to follow when your dd acts in a certain way

see if you can arrange a follow-up meeting for you and SENCO towards the end of the term

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 30/09/2011 22:47

Sorry, I didn't mean to say OP, go8smacked, I left the OP bit in by mistake having written it there before I looked to see what your username was.

Original poster
go8smacked · 30/09/2011 22:49

captainbarnacle I have 3 DC's - I don't need my DD to 'need' me. I have 3 DC's who all need me to look after them. I don't have the time or energy for a 'needy' child. BTW I am not a pushover parent, or easily manipulated. Would you accuse my DH, parents and PIL's of the same thing - they all see the same tiredness and symptoms that I do.

OP posts:
captainbarnacle · 30/09/2011 22:51

But your DH, parents and PIL aren't hovering around the school, walking into the classroom to check on her etc. I know it's Open Day policy - but does this really mean you can pop into class whenever you want? I doubt it - if 30 parents did that it would be unmanageable.

The headteacher's comment was correct - that people shouldn't lie about being ill. You have read too much into this because of your medical history.

I really don't see the issue with the HT. You will look like a reactionary hypochondriac if you pick up on it.

Original poster
go8smacked · 30/09/2011 22:53

slavetofilofax headteacher did both. Firstly, when I was there at school, she spoke to DD about pretending. Later in the day spoke to DD2 about lying. DD is being assessed for Chronic fatigue syndrome (also known as ME)but has been diagnosed with chronic fatigue.

OP posts:
cory · 30/09/2011 22:54

slavetofilofax, of course telling somebody that it is wrong to pretend to be ill is not in itself an accusation of hypochondria, but when one child is singled out for this talk and other children who are/have been ill don't get it, then the head presumably is trying to say something more personal...

dd got this talk regularly for 3 years - hard to believe it was just general advice

I would let it go the first time- perhaps it didn't mean anything. But if it keeps being repeated, I would think it was personal.

Captainbarnacle, the OP has already said that she doesn't hover around the school on a regular basis, but that this was a one-off. I admit it's not something I would have done myself, but some posters seem to have the idea that she is shooting in every day.

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 30/09/2011 22:55

go8smacked, I repeat my question, which has also been asked by at least one other; what do you mean by "self-soothing"?

cory · 30/09/2011 22:57

Is self-soothing not just another term for sucking one's thumb? Not that unusual in a 5yo but if done in public often a sign of distress.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 30/09/2011 22:58

You sound like a hysterical pain in the arse intent on making your dd into some warped self fullfilling prophecy tbh.

Yabu btw

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 30/09/2011 22:58

I don't know Cory, I would have thought that if it was thumb sucking then go8smacked would have just said her DD was sucking her thumb.

And in any case, it's a little odd that a 5 year old is referred to as being self-soothing. I thought it was just something that babies did...

squeakytoy · 30/09/2011 23:00

I would love to know what "self soothing" is too...