AIBU to be gobsmacked that DD2's Headteacher told her to stop pretending to be ill when she has chronic fatigue.

[go8smacked]

DD2 has been suffering from fatigue for nearly 3 years and is under the care of a paediatrician. School know this and that he will be writing to them to discuss how to manage her fatigue.

Today DD2 was very tired, paediatrician has advised that she needs to go to school but we need to moderate her activity, so I send her to school but go in at 11am to check on her. I can see that she is tired as she is self-soothing (she is always tired to some degree) and when she sees me she pleads to come home. Her teacher (also the headteacher) starts to tell her how she has been fine all morning and to stop making me worry ?!?!?!?!? I'm not happy about leaving her but I don't want to undermine her in front of the now assembled crowd of children. I tell my DD2 that I think she should stay for lunch and that I will phone the school after lunch to see how she is. DD2 is not happy but accepts this.

After lunch it takes 30 minutes before anyone even picks up the phone. The secretary goes to check and comes back to say DD2 has not complained again of being unwell. DD1 & DD2 come home. DD2 say's no-one asked her how she felt but that the headteacher spoke to her about how it was important not to pretend to be ill DD1 says that DD2 was tired at lunch and had to sit on a bench.

I cannot believe that the headteacher has basically accused my DD2 of hypochondria - DD2 was laying it on a bit thick when she saw me but I could see that she was tired.

I have had ME for over 20 years and so I am well acquainted with the symptoms and how people just can't 'see' that you are unwell. However the headteacher knows that DD2 has had extensive tests and regular hospital appointments. I also made a point of updating her medical records to show that she is being assessed for chronic fatigue.

I can't believe that the headteacher has taken DD2 aside and told her to stop lying about being ill. I know I need to speak to the headteacher but at the moment all I want to do is remove all my children from this school.

But she wasn't told to stop faking?? And if she'd been fine until she saw you then obviously her teacher would think she'd put it on a bit for your benefit (which you admitted yourself)

In answer to just your original question, no, I dont think YABU. If the school think she is playing up on any illness, they should speak to you, not to her.

if your dd was fine in school until you turned up, then no I don't think the ht was unreasonable to point out to your dd that she shouldn't lay it on thick when mum arrives and she sees a possibility of going home. Boy who cried wolf and all that.

Children do play on it. And often the more we make of something, the more they will take advantage.

You do need to not be blinkered by her illness - just because she has fatigue doesn't mean she won't play on being ill - in fact if you allow it she will use the illness to get out of anything and everything. You need to just treat her normally.

And I say that as someone with a disability (not fatigue but IMO the idea is the same regardless).

It honestly sounds to me as if the headteacher meant that your DD was pretending to be more I'll than she felt at that moment, not that she is faking her whole condition. I really think you've blown it out of proportion.

Agree that you need to hurry your dd's doctor along in contacting the school if she needs them to understand how to help her manage her condition.

Can I ask a genuine question?
As I understand it, there is no diagnostic tests to find ME, very much a clinical diagnosis and probably why your dd has been under investigation for so long.
If they can't understand the genetic anomaly or even identify it, how are they able to say you are genetically predisposed to it?
Honestly not trying to be inflammatory, I have an aunt with the condition and I know how frustrated she is by it. Hadn't heard of any genetic breakthroughs!!

I think you need to to speak to the school and get them to contact you if they feel that your dd needs you to go in.

Surely that would be easier for you aswell rather than having to go in every day. What year is dd in ??

My dd had post viral fatigue syndrome in her last year of nursery. It was actually a member of nursery staff that picked up that something was wrong, and the fatigue was then diagnosed by a paediatrician.

I agreed with nursery from the off that I woud continue taking her as normal, but that if she struggled, they would sit her in a quiet space and allow her to sleep if she liked, or they would ring me if they felt she better off at home. It worked really well.
If i'd have gone in to check on her every day then i'd have ended up bringing her home every day too.

YABU for being gobsmacked that the headteacher spoke to your daughter about how it is important not to pretende to be ill. He didn't accuse her of htpochondria or lying. I can see that if you've had negative recation in the past you will be hypersensitive to this, but unless he/she said something else that you haven't included here I think YABU.

Also, regardless of what your child is suffering from chronic fatigue or leukemia or anything else, I think it is unhelpful to go into school to see them mid-morning. If you're worried about her you could ring the school and ask them how she's been/go in and ask a teacher to go and see how she is and report back to you/tell your DD that she is to tell a teacher if she is feeling very unwell/ have her home for lunch and then judge if she is well enough to go back for the afternoon.

DD2 is 5.

I didn't ask her how she was, there is an open door policy and parents pop in all the time - it is encouraged. She instantly ran to me and said she didn't feel well and wanted to come home. She was subconciously self-soothing. It is the FIRST time that I have checked up on her in this way. I phoned as I had not been happy to leave her and was concerned that she was not well - there is a sickness bug going around and she told me in front of her teacher that she felt sick.

My DD2 doesn't know that she has anything (or that I do), except that she gets tired easily. Therefore although it is possible for her 'to play on it' - it is unlikely.

I do not go in everyday or check on her constantly.

I do not regularly ask her how she is - we have been keeping it all low key.

She say's she was told not to lie - as stated at the end of my original post.

I have reason not to trust the school's judgement.

I am not allowing my DD to be ill - today was the first day I went in to check on her.

I have not projected my illness onto my child - I would not wish it on anyone.

Sandwich?

Instead of getting so wound up about this, why don't you channel your energy into hurrying the paediatrician up about contacting the school to discuss it?

I think your last post held a lot of detail that would have been useful to know in your initial post like age, open door policy, first time you have done it.

I think whatever people say on here you will think you are right. And that's fine, there's obviously a lot going on you cannot put down in a few posts. For a 5yr old to have spent nearly 3yrs suffering then I make an uneducated guess it could get worse. But it makes it a waste of time asking the question and people reading/typing responses.

And just to add because I cannot help myself - get that consultant to do their report and then work with the school , not against them. It will honestly be easier in the long run.

Mutt people instantly jumped in and said that my DD was mirroring/copying my behaviour. If I had said that it was diabetes or asthma do you honestly think they would have said that?

What is 'self soothing'? You seem quite keen on that one!

For what it's worth a friend of my DS got ME in year 7. Never went to school again in her life. Funnily enough when it was all over she felt a lot better and now runs a successful business by herself. It's things like that and the total non-existence of ME when I was at school that really just makes me

I do not see why you went in at 11, presumably DD has access to a 'phone (even a pay 'phone at the school), there is no need to have her mother coming into school to helicopter around. I really do not think having to sit on a bench at lunch means she should be going home. If she had been made to run a cross country course you would have a right to be worried, but sitting down at lunch is fine. It is good that she can do this so she can rest before afternoon lessons. The idea that someone who can go to school all day without fainting or becoming very ill, and just has to rest during the day should be at home is silly. How will she get an education and a chance at life if you keep her at home rather than take the risk she might have to rest at school. Her doctor has told you to send her to school, why not listen to her advice.

And no-one apart from you has made any mention of ME not being real. they were criticising you for being a helicopter parent, not having ME.

If I had said that it was diabetes or asthma do you honestly think they would have said that?

Possibly, because little ones mirror all sorts of behaviour.

My DS1 developed pregnancy cravings when I was expecting his brother. Apparently they were so strong, he couldn't do PE

Five year olds copy a lot of behaviours. Not saying she is merely copying your illness, but she knows exactly how to use her fatigue to push your buttons.

I'd just like to offer my sympathy for your situation. My son suffered with post viral fatigue for about 8 mnths during his teenage years. The tests were extensive & it was a very frightening time. Thankfully he pulled through & seems to be a normal young man now. He was helped enormously when he had almost complete rest during the 6weeks summer school holidays. But I appreciate that every case is different. I would feel slighted by what the head teacher has said, but I thiink it's because this is such a stressful time & I think our judgement can be slewed during periods of worrying. Wishing you all the best.

I was a teacher and I'll put my hands up and say I dont really know anything about ME apart from tiredness, I honestly didn't know such young children could get it. Do you think the school understands ME? Have you been able to talk to them as to how to help your daughter? IME children can talk up not feeling well and I wonder if her teacher/HT doesn't really understand ME properly, hopefully when her doctor writes to the school they will be able to help properly.

I hope she's ok.

pancakeflipper I agree with you that the additional information would have been useful, however instead of asking me questions a lot of people instantly jumped in with their judgey boots and made huge assumptions which of course has upset me.

I am already upset from what has happened today at school and so I have reacted defensively to personal attacks.

I have also not said at any point that I have been working against the school - I object to my 5yo been told to stop lying about being ill.

First of all, I do understand what it is like to be accused of hypochondria: dd's headteacher persisted in believing this for years after dd had been diagnosed with a perfectly diagnosable (as in, clearly visible physical signs) condition. It is crap

However, in the long run I still had to deal with it and move on. Some things that were particularly beneficial to me were:

keeping a low profile myself and letting dd take the initiative to say when she couldn't cope

discussing with her how tired (or in our case, how much pain) is too tired/too much pain and how she should tell a teacher if she needs to (dd had a card to show)

keeping very calm and non-emotional and with instant recall of paperwork when required
(no, I tell a lie, I didn't manage this - but it would have been better if I had)

getting the paed to come into the school and give them a talk (the paed looked totally non-plussed at some of their reactions, but it definitely helped)

I think the Head Teacher sounds very sensible. Even from your own description it sounds as if your daughter was perfectly fine unutl you turned up and then started to act up. My DD would do the same. Good teachers can see through that and will work hard to keep your DD in school, rather than having her missing out by being taken home. You should be grateful instead of looking for trouble.

Actually, I would've said YWBU before you told us DD's age as for some reason I expected her to be a lot older, secondary age perhaps.

I'm not sure as I only have 1 DD who'd 2.5, but at 5yrs old, are children really that manipulative/ able to exaggerate behaviour in order to get out of school and copme home early, a school which at 5yrs old basically consists of play? I'm doubtful, and therefore would be inclined to have taken her home straight away.

Either way, at 5 years old I don't think the HT should have said anything to your DD without you there about the illness/ pretending etc. And whilst I agreed with PPs before I knew her age about leaving her be unless she asked for help, I disagree that a 5yr old would have the courage at all times to come forward and say she felt unwell/ needed to go home, so IMO the teacher checking on her periodically is an important part of her job.

captainbarnacle she has been ill since she was 2 - most 2 year olds can't stand still. She has nothing to copy, I haven't had a day off sick for 8 years. In fact I haven't had a day off in 8 years :( I never get the chance to sit down either with 3 DC's.

I should have added:

discussing with your dd and the school a Plan A for when she needs to rest but may not need to come out of school

discussing pacing with the school

(fwiw the fact that the OPs dd did not mention the fatigue until she saw her mum might not mean a lot: I have known dd to come out of school and throw up with pain because she has not liked to tell anyone

she copes much better now when we have got on top of how she deals with teachers and how she lets them know when she can't cope)

have you been in to see the SENCO and discuss a plan of action?

Five year olds are masters of manipulation! They love attention and a bit of drama and having Mum in and out of school getting herself in a lather would be wonderful! They might well be a bit disappointed when they actually get home and realise they are mssing their friends and all the fun of school though!