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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if it is possible to overcome this and how?

60 replies

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:25

When you both want to spend the rest of your life together but one of you really wants that to be as a married couple and one of you really doesn't? :S

OP posts:

faverolles · 30/09/2011 18:31

Hmm, tricky one.
What are the reasons for not wanting to marry?

AKMD · 30/09/2011 18:32

Get married in a registry office in your lunchbreak.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 30/09/2011 18:34

Do either of you care to compromise? Would a Handfasting or some kind of personal private ceremony to commit to each other and exchange vows do? not a legal actual marriage in the eyes of the law and the/a church or state, but really, when you get down to it, marriage is all in the mind anyway - (leaving aside the making of wills and financial stuff that a "real" marriage entails, which can all be sorted out in other ways anyway)

valiumredhead · 30/09/2011 18:35

What are the reasons for NOT getting married?

Original poster

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:35

AKMD that is what the person who wants to get married wants to do.

The reasons not to are mainly by being put off by a pricy divorce and not seeing the point.

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 30/09/2011 18:37

Which one doesn't want to get married and what are their reasons? Do you have DCs and is either party a stay at home parent? Does either party earn significantly more than the other?

Original poster

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:39

We have 6 DC's none together, and do not want any more.

Both work, one earns about 15 grand more than the other.

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 30/09/2011 18:41

Well my dp and I resolved this by giving in to my wishes (not to get married) and after about 5 years of living together I began to think of a ceremony I would be comfortable with, and now we are married.

GalaxyWeaver · 30/09/2011 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/09/2011 18:42

Are both parties equally insistant?

Cos it's one of those things where neither is wrong and neither should be forced to give in. It's a big thing. Like having children. Not wanting them is as valid as wanting them and not something that someone can be browbeaten into.

Getting married is something that both parties have to want, or it just can't happen. If one of you isn't happy with that, then they have to decide what they want more - to be with the current partner or to be married. I think, in these circumstances, all that the person who is not happy can do is sit the other one down and say I love you, but I have a plan for my future, and that involves being married. If we don't want the same things, then we have to consider whether we are doing the right thing being together.

But marriage would have to be bloody vital to someone for them to say that they want to be married, so it's better that they find someone who wants that too.

And, erm, you know, well, it's a little bit manipulative too

AKMD · 30/09/2011 18:43

You have 6 DCs together and one of you is being put off by the possibility of a 'pricey divorce'?

helpmabob · 30/09/2011 18:44

What are the reasons for getting married? Can they be resolved a different way?

Original poster

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:45

Is there a point? Is it important?

OP posts:

Original poster

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:46

AKMD

OP posts:

idobelieveinfairies · 30/09/2011 18:46

I have been through this, DP wanted to get married years and years ago and still does now but doesn't mention it much. I have no interest in getting married and i have no idea why...i can't explain why i don't want to. We have been together nearly 20 years and have lots of children together and i love him more than anything but i don't want to get married.

Dp thought i was a bit odd earlier on...but he is fine now. If you both want to be together then you will be regardless of marriage.

Original poster

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:47

Reasons for are love.

OP posts:

youarekidding · 30/09/2011 18:47

Am I right in thinking the one who doesn't want to be married earns the most? Are they worried about losing a lot of it in divorce?

If not and the one who doesn't earns the least is it for security reasons?

I wouldn't be bothered about marraige myself tbh but I would want to protect myself and my DC's so would be looking at paperwork of another sort.

I guess 6DC's does prove love and commitment and to some that is enough.

youarekidding · 30/09/2011 18:49

and I may have just won the award for the most pessamistic and hearthearted cow post of the week but hopefully yswim?

grovel · 30/09/2011 18:50

There is a point - to some people. They feel it somehow "right" to formalise the significance and commitment of their relationship in the view of their family, friends, the State, their DCs (sometimes). It's really hard to explain but I felt it strongly.

Original poster

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:50

One of us it also in the forces and we are apart a lot.

OP posts:

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/09/2011 18:50

Well, you don't love someone any more because you have a piece of paper that says so.

and if you've been with someone for years, have property together, kids together, then it's not like you can just walk away from each other even without the piece of paper

It doesn't imply a greater love. And I say that as someone who is married.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/09/2011 18:51

So.

Why don't you want to get married then?

What are you scared of?

PonceyMcPonce · 30/09/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:51

youarekidding

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 30/09/2011 18:52

I'd see if there was a compromise... a party, rather than a legally binding marriage?

Tricky one.

You both have to question what is really truly important. Lack of marriage or marriage... is love enough? Is there a middle ground?

What would you personally gain/lose in a marriage?

I'm married and my reasons for being so are probably VERY similar for the reasons my mates have for NOT getting married. Ultimately all of us are happy with our lives... for me, if DH hadn't wanted marriage I'd have 'yearned' for it but would have probably foudn some sort of compromise depending on his reason iyswim? (not knowing which one of you doesn't want it)

We have had a year of weddings this year, and everything else aside they were wonderful days of 'love' (yup sounds cheesy and probably is) and even our most devout cohabiters has conceded that actually they would like a celebration with friends, to acknowledge their relationship and love. They will never get married, but its hard not to be affected by one day of recognition amongst friends. I'm a romantic, I cannot wait until they celebrate their time together openly amongst us lot, even though their love is private.

A very tricky situation, but one that hopefully, as a couple, married or not, you can get to grips with in some way. Marriage doesn't make you stronger as a couple but it also means as much or as little as you want it to mean, and you can do it in many different ways, think outside the box.

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