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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if it is possible to overcome this and how?

60 replies

whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:25

When you both want to spend the rest of your life together but one of you really wants that to be as a married couple and one of you really doesn't? :S

OP posts:
tyler80 · 30/09/2011 18:52

Am I reading a different thread to everyone else?

We have 6 DC's none together

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/09/2011 18:53

ah, well, that's a bit different then. Didn't notice that Blush. If they split, then they'd just divvy up the property and go.

But the same would happen if they were married and divorced. It would just cost more Grin

No kids together = no ties after splitting.

PonceyMcPonce · 30/09/2011 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:53

We have both been married before - one of us had a very messy divorce but is the one who wants to marry again. Confused

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 30/09/2011 18:55

What has that got to do with it tyler80?

If one's in the forces, then I suppose, with kids in the mix (even if there isn't a 'joint' child!) then I would want some legal security as either party... if I were IN the forces I'd want to know my family would be okay in the event of my death, and if I wasn't I would want to know that a future without the other would be secure... for the reason, marriage would be the easiest way to achieve this!

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/09/2011 18:55

What I mean is being married doesn't give you any security. No promise of happy ever after. Doesn't force you to stay together. So if it's 'commitment' that's the issue, it's a false sense of security.

The only difference is in terms of dividing the assets. If you've been married and you brought more to it, you're screwed Grin

Original poster
whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:57

Love your optimisn HecateGoddessofthenight (jeez thats long!) Grin

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 30/09/2011 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tyler80 · 30/09/2011 18:58

There was just lots of mention of

"I guess 6DC's does prove love and commitment"

and

"if you've been with someone for years, have property together, kids together"

I think having kids together or not does have a bearing on the situation.

Original poster
whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 18:59

The person who wants marriage owns their own house.

The person who doesn't wants to contribute to the Mortgage without being bothered if they are on it and they don't live here much.

OP posts:
madmomma · 30/09/2011 19:00

Do whatever the woman wants. Then you'll both be happy.

PonceyMcPonce · 30/09/2011 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 30/09/2011 19:03

ok. What is the person who doesn't want to get married worried about.

a numbered list please Grin

1?

PonceyMcPonce · 30/09/2011 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster · 30/09/2011 19:13

I don't want to get married either but I do intend on being with my dp for life. I just don't get the marriage thing unless you do it for financial or legal reasons. Luckily dp doesn't seem too bothered although he does mention it sometimes.

ChitChattingWithKids · 30/09/2011 19:14

For me marriage would have been vital. I could never have stayed with my DH if he hadn't wanted to get married.

But then I don't think I would have wanted to have been married to someone who didn't feel about marriage the way I did. Marriage takes commitment, and if only one of you truly has the commitment it would be bloody hard.

MangoMonster · 30/09/2011 19:15

You can be committed without being married.

Original poster
whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 19:39

Person works away, some DC live in the house with one partner others with ex. Both happy with financial arrangements although person who works/lives away wants to contribute more but partner isn't keen.

Person who doesn't want to get married just does not see the point of marriage and hates the idea of it and has been thoroughly put off by lasy experience and doesn't think a piece of paper means anything.

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 30/09/2011 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoMonster · 30/09/2011 19:46

What is the difference between being married and not, apart from legal/financial reasons. Or are we talking about religious reasons?

Original poster
whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 19:52

There are no religious reasons.

Neither of us married the right person the first time or for the right reasons.

One of us would like a chance to do it right as has always invisaged part of our future as being married and would like to marry the person they love for love.

The other one hates the whole idea.

We are very much in love, and very happy.

Confused
OP posts:
MangoMonster · 30/09/2011 19:57

Difficult one as I'm not sure there is a compromise. What about reviewing the situation in a couple of years?

Original poster
whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 20:14

Hecate - thankyou so much.

I did what you told me to do polishes halo Grin

He said that he needs time to get over his last marriage because if he knows if he had married me he would not have got divorced.

He said he was being a bit selfish and not thinking far enough ahead. He says he would love to be married to me, hes just a bit scared because he made such a mess of it the first time around.

Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
whereismysanity · 30/09/2011 20:38

Am so happy as last night it was never :D

OP posts:
SpanishPaella · 30/09/2011 20:47

i wouldnt stay with someone who didnt love me enough to marry me

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