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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

adult to adult bullying

83 replies

prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 16:46

Am not sure where to post this - more a WWYD and have name changed.

We moved here several years ago. It is rural so only one primary school possible, one secondary etc and everyone kows everyone.

I joined the PTA as soon as we arrived and dd started school. I had a disagreement with the lady who ran it - small thing, no shouting or anything. We agreed to differ but it turned out that I was right. Since than not only has this lady refused to talk to me but she tells everyone else that if they talk to me then she will not talk to them (sounds so childish I know but it is true). This has been going on years now. When a new person arrives the lady explains to them that they can eiter talk to me or to her but not both. The oproblem is that this lady is very influential socially locally (they are loaded and throw lots of parties for adults and children, run many of the local village events in therigarden etc) and so no one wants to fall out with her. I make friends but she then drops them from her invite list and actually tells them Shock theat they need to stop talking to me if they want to be "her friend". As this means that their children (as well as them) get left out and so eventually most give up talking to me :(

Has anyone else come acroos this?

OP posts:
AKMD · 28/09/2011 16:48

I haven't come across this since I left high school. What a nightmare for you. I think I'd move personally.

Tryharder · 28/09/2011 16:50

MY God. I don't know what to say. How unpleasant. I would be tempted to write a global letter outlining exactly what happened and stick a copy through everyone's front door. Don't know what else to suggest.

Sad
ihatecbeebies · 28/09/2011 16:51

That sounds awful, I've never came across this either sorry. Could you maybe approach this woman and try and clear the air between you both?

5Foot5 · 28/09/2011 16:52

Gosh I am surprised people choose to hang around with her. If I was confronted with such childish behaviour I would run a mile!

No real advice I am afraid..

ihatecbeebies · 28/09/2011 16:53

I'd suggest moving, but if you did that she may still do it to someone else, maybe get everyone to gang up and drive her out of the village instead Grin ?

milkmilklemonade · 28/09/2011 16:53

I have been in the middle of two friends in a similar situation. i stood my ground and refused to drop one because the other told me to. it sorted itself out in the end. Any friend who drops you for fear of losing out socially is not a good friend. That said, village life is hard, I can understand why people tend to wimp out of standing up for their principles.

Original poster
prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 16:54

We've thought about moving but we can't really afford to. There is little point in a letter as everyone knows that this is happening - it is no secret. It is just that she was here first and it is easier for people to just pretend that it isn't happening and go to the parties, dinners, kids parties etc. than to feel that they have the moral high ground but be left out.

I've tried talking to her about it but tbh I think that (a) sh elikes having someone to leave out - it sort of gives her some status and (b) she is slightly mad.

OP posts:
Original poster
prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 16:55

Any friend who drops you for fear of losing out socially is not a good friend I know but most cave in eventually

OP posts:
MiseryBusiness · 28/09/2011 16:55

How awful for you.

She sounds like a complete nightmare.

Could you ask this women round for coffee or go to a local cafe/pub and talk it out between the two of you? Not ideal as she is the one being a huge cowbag but at least then you could keep the peace enough for her not to be such a cow?

Mandy2003 · 28/09/2011 16:56

FFS that is really ShockSad

What happens when someone new is given that ultimatum? Is there anyone that takes it seriously??

Personally I think if its a PTA then it's time to let the Headteacher know, and have an election? But no doubt everyone else is so easily led that they will vote for her!

OK, on the night of the next "Do" that she is having, organise one yourself that is a hell of a lot more fun or definitely louder than hers, bring posse outside friends from the city if you need to!

MiseryBusiness · 28/09/2011 16:57

Oh sorry x post.

She sounds like a loon! Shock

TurkeyBurgerThing · 28/09/2011 17:01

See it as a filter. The ones who listen to here and "side" with her are obviously stupid, silly, childish twits.

Those who roll their eyes and walk off not really giving two fucks what this heinous old cow is saying are the ones who are actually decent people. You do have my sympathy though she sounds truly awful.

It is funny though how when you're a child you assume all adults are sensible respectable people. Then when you ARE an adult you know some of them are completely unhinged and worse than any bad child you knew when you were one!

Original poster
prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 17:03

she has left the PTA now. When someone new ignores her (as most do :) ) I see them and we do lunch etc for a while. Then they realise that they are being left out of loads of stuff and start to feel bad about it and eventually dift into the in-crowd and drop me. I do have a few friends :) but dh and I are not in the same league financialy as her and also both work so cannot begin to compete on the party/event lines. WE both work from home so do not meet anyone from work so all our social life is pretty tied up in the local primary-school-kids-community which is quite dominated by this woman (school only had 100 kids so small community here).

OP posts:
Original poster
prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 17:07

I do see it as a filter and I do have a few friends - it is the children thing too though - ie my kids will (yet again) be left out of all the halloeen party, the Christmas parties etc. If we have a party then no one will come (as they would then be left out of hers which are bigger and better :( )

OP posts:
TiggyD · 28/09/2011 17:08

I'm an atheist and rather anti-religion. But even I would possibly stop by the local church and have a chat with the vicar.

I do like Tryharder's idea, although it is the "nuclear" option. If it failed you would have to move, but I think it would wake up peoples basic belief in what is fair.

Hardgoing · 28/09/2011 17:12

I like to think if someone asked me to drop someone else, I would ignore them.

I have had a similar thing happen. Another mother in the playground took a dislike to me and threw Sun afternoon parties with all the parents and children, except me. I was quite upset, until my husband reminded me that it's up to them who they have at their parties and to just ignore it. The thing that cheered me up was that no-one really liked her anyway, they were just too lazy to throw parties themselves. After a while she moved away, she never kept in touch with anyone as they weren't real friends.

OP, unless you want to have big events/parties, just stick to a few lunches with people you really like. You must have one or two people that have stuck with you and know what she is like (or old friends). Go out as a couple in the village, chat to people, be friendly, just don't engage in all that 'if we're not at the dinner party, we're no-one' baloney.

Hardgoing · 28/09/2011 17:13

I also can't believe everyone would refuse to let their children go to your children's party, I just don't. Have you stopped asking for fear of refusal?

Original poster
prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 17:22

we have had refusals - her kids tell the kids that if they go then they can't come to thier parties (with bigger party bags etc - you know what kids are like )

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 28/09/2011 17:23

I think you need to change tactic.

Whilst she is big with the school crowd I doubt many of the older members of the village would have much time for someone who tries to bully in such a transparent way. If your village is anything like ours there are plenty of other activities for people to join. have you looked into joining those to extend your social group (I know they probably won't have children but at least you would be getting a better support group).

With regards to the children do any of the neighbouring villages have groups like brownies or cubs which your dc could join, ones where she would have much less influence?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 28/09/2011 17:27

I would also second approaching the local vicar to see if he has any local suggestions on ways inwhich to improve things for your children (even if it is reminding those who actually attend church of bullying in all it's forms . And maybe visit to school to speak with the management team about how this is affecting your DC. The school should be concerned about how the bullyinmg of a parent them gets translated into the avoidance or blanking of children.

It is an awful situation to be in.

Original poster
prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 17:29

I do hang out with the older crowd (who are lovely) but it is the playground which I hate and I do miss having someone to do kid-things with in the holidays. We are too spread out for neighbouring brownies etc to work but thanks for the suggestion :)

OP posts:
IndieNile · 28/09/2011 17:30

Im amazed at such childish, vindictive behaviour from someone who no doubt describes herself as a pillar of the community. Its certainly a most unpleasant situation for you. No doubt this dreadful woman gets a great kick out of treating you like this.

What is the impact of all of this on your children? Do they miss out on invites from friends parents who are afraid of upsetting this woman? And what about your DH? Does he have friends in the village, drinking cronies in the local pub etc? Does he know this womans husband, and if so could he bring it up with him? Not to go into battle on your behalf and risk aggravating the situation, I meant more in a blokey what are women like! sort of way to get her husband`s view of the situation.

To be honest I would hate to live in a small community like that where people are so shallow. But youve put up with it for years now, you have some friends, so it looks to me as though youll just have to grin and bear it.

IndieNile · 28/09/2011 17:34

Sorry, X-post.

I am even more appalled and angry on behalf of your children.

Move house for their sakes. What kind of message about moral values does all this pettiness and exclusion give them?

kelly2000 · 28/09/2011 17:34

As she is already being a bitch to you, you could just go up to her in a crowd, and ask very politely if the awful rumour you heard was true, then go on to explain that people have been telling you that she is going around telling people that if they are friends with me you will not be their friend and exclude them. make sure to say "but of course i did not believe that, I mean you are not a ten year old bully, and who else would act like that, but I just thought I should ask you about it as so many people are saying it". She either has to lie and deny it outright in front of people who know she is doing it, or tell the truth which makes her look like a real bitch when she has to say it out loud in front of everyone, or she will murmur vaguely and storm off. If she does admit it, then quite calmly ask why, if she answers or does the "you know why" routine, explain to her you have no idea what she is talking about, perhaps even ask if she is OK, and remind her you are always there if she needs an ear. Whatever you do keep calm, collected and sweet.

The school should really not be allowing her to let her children hand out invites excluding such a small numbe rof children. My school had a rule, no invites were allowed to be given out unless either all the childrne were invited, or all the children of a particular sex were invited.
As for the children, are there things like scouts they could join, and what about getting more involved in the school, and setting up school parties etc.

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst · 28/09/2011 17:37

I know it is easier said than done and you can be very lonely in a new place, but honestly I'd rather have no friends than friends who would be pressured in to ignoring someone because someone else said to,

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