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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

adult to adult bullying

83 replies

prettystuffedreally · 28/09/2011 16:46

Am not sure where to post this - more a WWYD and have name changed.

We moved here several years ago. It is rural so only one primary school possible, one secondary etc and everyone kows everyone.

I joined the PTA as soon as we arrived and dd started school. I had a disagreement with the lady who ran it - small thing, no shouting or anything. We agreed to differ but it turned out that I was right. Since than not only has this lady refused to talk to me but she tells everyone else that if they talk to me then she will not talk to them (sounds so childish I know but it is true). This has been going on years now. When a new person arrives the lady explains to them that they can eiter talk to me or to her but not both. The oproblem is that this lady is very influential socially locally (they are loaded and throw lots of parties for adults and children, run many of the local village events in therigarden etc) and so no one wants to fall out with her. I make friends but she then drops them from her invite list and actually tells them theat they need to stop talking to me if they want to be "her friend". As this means that their children (as well as them) get left out and so eventually most give up talking to me :(

Has anyone else come acroos this?

OP posts:

sittinginthesun · 28/09/2011 20:03

Hold your head up, and sit it out. Bullies usually trip over themselves at some point. As you say, she is obviously hugely insecure, and spends a huge amount of energy playing these games. What a completely sad individual.

Sorry that won't help much, but sooner or later she will fall with a pretty big crash.

spiderpig8 · 28/09/2011 20:06

and often karma deals a massive retribution to these people.I'll bet she finds out her husband is shagging one of the other alpha mummies.

RoxyRobin · 28/09/2011 20:12

Bloody hell deburca, has your friend thought of going into politics?

I remember having to take my poor old ma to church a few years ago, and in the course of his sermon the priest spoke in no uncertain terms about how uncharitable it was to spurn well-meaning offers from newcomers in the parish. We guessed that some poor sod had probably offered their flower-arranging services or whatever to the coven which organized these things and been given the cold shoulder (my mother never got to the bottom of it - most unlike her). Anyway, the priest's very pointed remarks would have had the culprits squirming in their pew.

So I'd agree with what previous posters have said about it possibly being worth approaching the vicar.

This situation is toxic. Feel very sorry for your DCs.

IntergalacticHussy · 28/09/2011 20:13

I can't believe grown people would drop you just because che told them to! you're probably better off without them if they're so easily swayed by money and power

IntergalacticHussy · 28/09/2011 20:14

she not che.

although if che (guevara) had told me to drop friends i'd have probably done it!

PenguinPatter · 28/09/2011 20:27

I?ve had similar less successfully from my neighbour.

People come round to our house or she see me with someone next thing I'm blanked. One friend was told not to allow her DC to come round she took offence - was ignored by neighbour when that didn't work neighbour pumped friend for info on us .

She? is a bully when her family or friends are round and it can be very nasty ? but when she by herself very lacking in confidence.

Her DGC aren?t at my DC school ? and hopefully younger one will go elsewhere to. Her attempts to influence staff she knew against my eldest DC when she started never went anywhere thanks to ethos of school and DC personality.

I?m not quite in such as isolate area as you OP ? but god I could do without it. Life has thrown enough curved balls with having to deal with my neighbour?s spite. It seems she is well know but not well liked ? but that doesn?t seem to help sometimes.

Hope some of the other posters suggestions - help you.

deburca · 28/09/2011 20:31

She is a friend of a friend, I would be too frightened i think to have her as one of my friends! - only joking - she is a nice girl and honestly I never thought she would have it in her, always seemed a bit of a free spirit to me -obviously not to be messed with!

Strangely enough she told our mutual friend that she reckoned she wouldnt want to take me on in an argument!! - I assured mutual friend that I would be no where near her league. She basically had the entire village thinking this lady was some sort of a basket case! - and worse than that she was killing her with sympathy - albeit from a distance as she told everyone that "she didnt want to become a target again". Awesome!

OP any thoughts on the way forward?

LadyBeagleEyes · 28/09/2011 20:53

I live in a tiny village with a huge amount of incomers that totally (think) they rule the roost.
But the friends I've made since I came here 17 years ago are still my friends.
Mind you, we do call ourselves the riff raff when we never get invited to their social events , but then again we just have our own.
Surely OP, there must be likeminded people like you.
I can't believe everybody in your village agrees with this silly woman.

wildhairrunning · 28/09/2011 23:08

This is awful. I too would go up to her at her party and ask her very sweetly and calmly in Front of everyone if the rumours that she has told people not to associate with you because of a difference of opinion are true as you are quite shocked at this rumour!

ILoatheMickeyMouseClubhouse · 28/09/2011 23:24

I have read this thread open-mouthed.

Surely not every single grown adult she comes into contact with believes her poison and is taken in by her big parties and social events? I know I for one would run a mile if someone started telling me I could only speak to them if I didn't speak to X. They would probably get a mouthful for being so pathetic and nasty and I would avoid them like the plague. I hate bullying, and even more I hate grown adults that condone bullying and act like sheep.

You sound like you have your own social life OP, focus on that and just ignore this horrible piece of work and her cronies.

minouminou · 29/09/2011 12:56

Coming back to the civil matter - it may well be worthwhile getting some legal advice, just to see if this loon encouraging others to shun you is some kind of offence.

Is there any concrete proof you could take to a solicitor? Or anyone who would make a statement? You may have to reassure them that it'll stay anonymous.

Only thing is, though, taking legal action is still a bit of a nuclear option, and it's unlikely that it'll help you socially. But for you to be distressed like this is just not right and she needs to be taught a lesson.

begonyabampot · 29/09/2011 13:39

feel for you, especially for your kids. This kind of thing can really mess with your head and peace of mind. I'd speak to the school regarding the kid invite situation and also to the local vicar though think you said you didn't have one. Confronting her and the others who are participating in front of people might be an option but would take a load of balls and might backfire. Seething on your behalf.

nenevomito · 29/09/2011 13:51

How utterly shit for you. Having a child in a village school, I'm well aware of alpha mums, but I've never come across anything like that before.

There's been some really sensible solutions here. Me, I'd be tempted to photoshop her face onto a picture of someone in a compromising position and stick it on the village notice board. Wouldn't do it, but the thought would be interesting.

minouminou · 29/09/2011 13:58

Been thinking some more about this, and the legal option. It doesn't have to be a nuclear option after all. If it's kept between you and her - a solicitor's letter or some kind of action - she's hardly likely to go crowing that around the village, is she?
It won't repair the damage that's already been done, sadly, but it may stop further damage from her (say, with new people). It may also scare the living daylights out of her.
Hideous hag that she is. I really feel for you.

minouminou · 29/09/2011 14:02

How about asking someone who's moved away, or is about to move away, from the village to make some kind of statement? So that even if this bloody woman works out who's made it, she can't get to him/her.

I'll have another think and come back if there's anything else.....

begonyabampot · 29/09/2011 14:21

thinking about this, your anger should really be directed at the other people in the village who are being influenced by this woman. She is one loon, perhaps with her own issues but for everyone else to side with her is more the problem and downright nasty. Perhaps you should try and shame the others - she is one woman - they are they ones letting this happen and perhaps would be more approachable and should rightfully feel shamed if they are indeed following this ladies lead. I find it hard to believe that so many would let themselves be influenced in this way - are you sure they are all in on it, it's easy get a little paranoid about this kind of thing (been there). What do your friends say about it - are they aware of what is going on?

minouminou · 29/09/2011 14:26

That's a good point, begonya, but these things are very subtle and insidious in villages. Sadly, I can believe that this happens, as people don't want to end up isolated themselves.

I think cutting the rot off at the root is a good option, as long as it's done discreetly.

Pendeen · 29/09/2011 15:55

OP don't take this the wrong way but, you said " We moved here several years ago. "

One or two families who moved to the village I live in have not really integrated and I have heard the mums complaining that they feel ostracised. Most of the families have lived here for generations (and I mean many, many generations) and it's a very well established community.

Is the woman a long-established local and so - is it possible that it's more a 'village' thing than just the one - admittedly awful - woman?

nenevomito · 29/09/2011 20:48

Yes, OP. As Pendeen says, is it a local village for local people?

HairyToe · 29/09/2011 20:57

Sorry to be nosey but what in earth was the original dispute about to warrant such bizarre and long-lasting retribution ???

GreenPetal94 · 30/09/2011 09:56

Good luck. Not something I have to deal with living in Edinburgh city centre, but I can understand why it is upsetting you so much.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 30/09/2011 10:15

Oh my! What an arse hole!

You have nothing to lose here (well not much) so I would go all out. As others have said, speak to the vicar, PTA people/headmaster or whatever, I would put letters through doors, on lamp posts, local paper? All about exclusion through bullying amongst the adults in the village. You could name her or you could make it general, up to you. I'm not a great writer but lots on here are and I bet could help you word something well.

Cartman12 · 03/05/2012 17:20

I've encountered some low-level bullying like this from the Queen Bee of my NCT group. A poor little rich girl type with no job, oodles of help and cash, and thus lots of time to stir it. I've never been prepared to socialise with bullies and so I politely turn down her fortnightly summons to her house for tea. Bullies like control and so this enrages her, cue lots of naff, bitchy stirring and attempts to make everyone else hate me. Sigh.

OP - I'm so sorry. I used to live in a village and I totally understand how hard this must be for you. You're fab, she's clearly a massively unhappy and effed-up person, and I hope you get a lucky break with this problem soon.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 03/05/2012 17:33

This thread is 8 months old !

mayaswell · 03/05/2012 18:07

FGS, now I want an update on this! And yes, I know MN is not a soap opera...

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