AIBU about my brother and SIL?

[Bottleofmilk]

ok, i will try keep it short and to the point, but not leave anything major out (drip feeding sucks)

so, DB got married a few years ago. his wife is difficult. everything ticked along for a while, and then went epic and huge fall out with DB, his wife and my family (parents, DH etc). it was all very traumatic and awful. so, state of play now is that my parents and DB are talking again, as are DB and I, but his wife is not talking to me at all, and says she hates me. I am actually ambivalent about that, on one hand, its not nice to know that someone feels that way about you, but on the other, i am just relived not to have to deal with her.

cutting to the chase! SILs grandmother has just died and DB sent me a message to say that it would mean alot to him if i would take the oppertunity to write a nice message to SIL about her loss etc etc, as she will probably appreciate it (his words).

so, my first instinct was to say no. on the grounds that i dont actually know the grandmother (or any of SILs family) and that SIL and i dont have the sort of relationship where this would be something we would do (before the fall out nevermind after it). and also because i think this is a manipulative (on his part, i dont think SIL even knows he has messaged me) attempt on his part to get me to communicate with SIL.

my second thought, was ok, if you take all the history out, what would be an appropriate respnse to finding out someone you know has a relative that died and they are upset about it. and i thought, well in those circumstances i would probably buy a card and send that.

but i am feeling really annoyed by the whole thing. which is probaly where i am being unreasonable. i just feel that its not appropriate for DB to tell me what my respnse should be to his news, and then couch it in terms of what would be the decent thing to do.

oh, god. i am being unreasonable arent i?

[mynewpassion]

Regardless if it renews your relationship or not, its still nice to send a card.
This is your brother's grandparent in-law. Just common decency and should not have taken more than a few minutes to decide.

And glad to hear that you have sent it.

[Shaxx]

You are a lovely person. I'm sure your brother is too. Don't let that witch sil get between you.

[2rebecca]

It doesn't have to mean you see more of SIL. All you have done is send a card. You thn continue ignoring her nuttiness as before. I maybe would phone your brother when SIL isn't likely to be around to clarify quite why he thinks a condolance card for a granny which is a weird thing to expect anyway is going to make a huge difference to anything. Your brother sounds like the dysfunctional one here, making a meal out of something small and unnecessary. It sounds as though he needs to talk, although if you and SIL fell out over him in the first place he maybe isn't that objective anyway, although he may feel guilty that he was responsible for your fall out with his wife and regret his part in it all.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, you've only seen this woman twice?

Oh come on, you HAVE to tell us what happened.

[warthog]

yeah i want to know too!

[ReindeerBollocks]

I think you have done the right thing but you can limit the contact from here on in too, if you reply to DB's email just say you are sorry for SIL's loss (as indicated by the card) but this doesn't mean that you want to open the doors to friendship, and you are happy to carry on as before, but wish her all the best for the future.

I think it was very amicable of you to send that card. I wouldn't have

[Meita]

bottleofmilk, glad to have done something positive! :)

You said you were working on improving relations with your DB - perhaps you can see this as part of that process, rather than as pandering to SIL? I mean, he asks something of you, saying it would be really important to him. To him, that is. Never mind his wife!

[Bottleofmilk]

its not a big dark terrible secret or anything, its just that its not only my story, its mostly to do with my parents and i know they would hate it if i put anything on a public forum. in fact, i am pretty sure they wouldnt be happy with as much as i have said here already. but meita, thank you thats actually a very smart way of looking at it. i guess i also have to realise that working towards a better relationship with my brother is going to bring up issues again, and that we need to find ways of dealing with stuff, so this is actually good.

but honestly everyone, i cant thank you enough for being such great sounding boards, its made such a difference :-)

[TheOriginalFAB]

When my Grandmother died I received condolence cards from my MIL, her mother and my close friend. Was a very strange situation when I had a swympathy card arrive in the post along with congratulations on your new baby one.