AIBU about my brother and SIL?

[Bottleofmilk]

ok, i will try keep it short and to the point, but not leave anything major out (drip feeding sucks)

so, DB got married a few years ago. his wife is difficult. everything ticked along for a while, and then went epic and huge fall out with DB, his wife and my family (parents, DH etc). it was all very traumatic and awful. so, state of play now is that my parents and DB are talking again, as are DB and I, but his wife is not talking to me at all, and says she hates me. I am actually ambivalent about that, on one hand, its not nice to know that someone feels that way about you, but on the other, i am just relived not to have to deal with her.

cutting to the chase! SILs grandmother has just died and DB sent me a message to say that it would mean alot to him if i would take the oppertunity to write a nice message to SIL about her loss etc etc, as she will probably appreciate it (his words).

so, my first instinct was to say no. on the grounds that i dont actually know the grandmother (or any of SILs family) and that SIL and i dont have the sort of relationship where this would be something we would do (before the fall out nevermind after it). and also because i think this is a manipulative (on his part, i dont think SIL even knows he has messaged me) attempt on his part to get me to communicate with SIL.

my second thought, was ok, if you take all the history out, what would be an appropriate respnse to finding out someone you know has a relative that died and they are upset about it. and i thought, well in those circumstances i would probably buy a card and send that.

but i am feeling really annoyed by the whole thing. which is probaly where i am being unreasonable. i just feel that its not appropriate for DB to tell me what my respnse should be to his news, and then couch it in terms of what would be the decent thing to do.

oh, god. i am being unreasonable arent i?

[Idohaveoneofthese]

Is it worth asking your DB what he hopes will come from this?? Because maybe he wants something different from you?

[ViviPru]

Are you my sister OP?! Are there condolence cards I need to be sending, demands for which haven't reached me on the family jungle drums yet??

This is all too TOO familiar.

[OTheHugeWerewolef]

YANBU at all to feel annoyed, especially as there's so much bad blood between you and this woman. But families are there for the long haul, so on balance I'd suck it up and write to her. I have a very iffy relationship with my stepmother, but if someone close to her died then I would definitely write to express my condolences even though I don't really like her as a person and she's been very unpleasant to me at times.

I know some people believe in being 'authentic' and 'telling it like it is' at all costs, but I do believe there's value in some formal courtesies even if you aren't really feeling it, or even if the other person wouldn't necessarily do the same thing.

[aldiwhore]

YABU.

I LOATHE my idiot of a SIL, for a million and one reasons, but if she lost one of her close relatives I wouldn't need asking to send her a card.

Sorry.

I understand you have history, and that your brother shouldn't really have ASKED you to do this, but it is something you 'should' do regardless. Love her or loathe her she is part of your family, and she's just lost her Grandmother. This could be a HUGE step towards peace, not friendship, but a peace of sorts. Even if its not, its the right thing to do.

I do understand why you don't like being put on the spot, but that's beside the point. You don't have to write a letter, just a 'sorry for your loss, I'm thinking of you at this difficult time'.... is all that is required, and it will be a comfort. I HATE sympathy cards, or did until my MIL died and both DH and I found them a great comfort just to be in people's thoughts, just to be remembered.

[chocolatchaud]

I don't think YABU - for a start I have never received or sent a condolence card for a grandparent (and I was very close to mine).

Also my instant reaction would be no way, as it is to someone you are not even speaking to. Would she not find it strange and insincere to receive a card from you?

If your DB wants a reconciliation (which ultimately is what this is leading to), I don't think this is the right way of going about it.

[CrackerFactory]

why is there no hope of a reconciliation, life is easier if all is peaceful?

[Bottleofmilk]

lol vivipru, no i promise :-) i know my SIL isnt on here for sure.

some of you have raised some very interesting points, and idohaveoneofthese, yes, i am sure DB does want something different out of this than me.

i am sure he wants to be able to say to SIL oh look, she is making an effort to be nice to you, etc etc (and i wouldnt put it past him to say things like, see she knows shes wrong and is just wanting to make it up type of thing).

whereas, i dont want a reconciliation of that type. I am only on speaking terms with DB because he DID talk to me (not fight, but talk) and make an effort with me to reconcile what had happened and find a way forward between the two of us. dont get me wrong, its far from perfect, but thought i had managed to get to a point where we could move forward. SIL is not willing to do this though, she has stated the only thing she is prepared to hear from me is an apology and even then, it would have to be on my knees. of course, i think thats not helpful at all and demonstrates that she doesnt really want our relationship to be different going forward, but rather the same as it was before she totally blew it. and im not that much of a mug!

in a perfect scenario, i would call my brother and say, look i dont feel comfortable with sending a note, but i am sorry her grandmother died and it is a very difficult thing to lose a close family member and i am sure he will be there for her and help her through it. he would then say, thanks, and he would pass on my condolences.

THAT of course is not how it would go at all!!!

to throw another spanner in the works, DH is saying he thinks i shouldnt send a card and should rather just message my brother back saying, oh how sad, best wishes to everyone, and leave it like that.

[ViviPru]

Life is easier when people with fundamentally opposed views avoid eachother

[CrackerFactory]

How do you know that your sil hates you, maybe she is desperate to reconcile. Its hard to comment without knowing what you fought about

[DoTheStrand]

I think YANBU and your brother should not have asked you. I would not send a card or letter in those circumstances and if she is not expecting it, she won't miss it. (Unless DB has hinted to her that you would send something - now that would make things difficult!). I never got any condolence cards or letters when my grandmother died recently and I didn't expect any.

Also I think that bearing in mind your history with your SIL, it would be very easy for anything you wrote to be taken the wrong way however gently and carefully you worded it. And if I didn't like someone (even if unjustifiably so!) I wouldn't want them to write to me after I had been bereaved either, it would feel "false".

[ViviPru]

OP have you relied to the text yet?

[ViviPru]

replied

[Bottleofmilk]

crackerfactory, my life IS peaceful now! when we were all 'normal' DB and SIL cause drama all the time and i just sort of put up with it but it was very draining and i hated pretending to be okay about things i really wasnt, and to keep saying to myself, well not everyone is the same etc etc, and giving them the benefit of the doubt all the time, when really they were just taking the total piss.

and when it did all finally come to a head, it was terrible, really really traumatic, i know this is going to sound OTT but it felt like my brother had died, i mourned him and our whole lives together and i found out loads of things that i was previously unaware of that really just turned me inside out. but, i worked through it all and made my peace with it and i LIKE not having to deal with drama and second guess my every move in case i might cause offence etc etc. it was a bit like playing a very dangerous full contact sport when only the other team know the rules!

i am grateful to no longer be in that place, but i feel my current equilibrium has been hard won, and i dont want to compromise it. but it looks like im going to anyway! ugh.

[CrackerFactory]

Is it just you and DB or do you have other siblings. Do they feel the same way? because as you get older siblings are a vital relationship so might be worthwhile sending a quick message

[Bottleofmilk]

vivipru, no i havent, but its ok because he wouldnt expect me to have seen it right away as it wasnt a text it was on skype message. i wanted to make a decision today as i cant really leave it any longer without causing another upset. honestly, it is a minefield!

[Bottleofmilk]

nope, just me and DB.

but, a couple of other people got roped into the whole debacle (much to my shame and horror) and they are all of the opinion that my DB was being (and still is) an arse and my SIL is mad as a box of frogs. which you would think is helpful but actually isnt really, you just fee even more shit that other people dont like your family! although, i am not palying down how important it was to have support, it really made a big difference.

[HattiFattner]

write her a note:

Dear SIL,

Im sorry to hear of the sad loss of your grandmother DOrothy/ANnie/Marge. DB tells me that she was a great character and that you loved her deeply.

As you move through these difficult days, remember: Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Best Wishes
Bottle of milk, mr bottle of milk, baby bottle of milk

------

This effectively tells her that DB has been in contact with you and has prompted this, and yet shows you to be sympathetic, in a clichéd way.

[CrackerFactory]

It sounds very distressing but you say you and your db have reconciled? Can that be extended to sil? What type of drama do they cause? Are you sure it will be the same going forward? Although if you think db is an arse it doesnt sound like you have forgiven him for whatever he did. And it doesnt sound like your current opus morandi is going to keep life peaceful

[HecateGoddessOfTheNight]

"the only thing she is prepared to hear from me is an apology and even then, it would have to be on my knees"

bloody hell. What does she feel you did to her?

[ViviPru]

OP I have been through exactly what you've just described. Right down to the very last detail. You describe it so eloquently.

Its so hard being the emotionally intelligent one, trying to maintain a balance with unbalanced people. The only way I get through dealings with them is by detaching, but like your relatives, they just keep coming back for more, thinly veiled as attempts at reconciliation.

Last time this happened (the equivalent to this condolence card debacle) I decided that the equilibrium maintaining this shred of relationship with DB was not actually possible. I realised that in doing so, my emotional health was being compromised (as yours clearly is here) and ended all contact (and went through the mourning) as you did.

The difference is, I have not forged any further as I resolved that I would only do so if DB made a genuine attempt to work through it himself with me, but that was not forthcoming. Your DB did though, but did he do it in such a way that you believe he honestly understands you PoV even if he disagrees? Or was he just being a bit nicer and you decided that you may as well make up as he was making an effort?

The crux of this really all hangs on the basis of that reconciliation. Surely a reconciliation condition would be that he no longer creates drama in your life that you don't need, but his request for a condolence letter reneges on that. What I'm saying is that you do not have the equilibrium you thought you did.

I'm so SO sorry :(

[Bottleofmilk]

cracker, we have reconciled to a point, in that i wa willing to move forward and judge our relationship and him on things going forward, not on what had happened in the past. and up until now he had stuck to the stuff we had discussed that didnt work between us (as i have) and it was fine. not perfect, or anything but a work in prgress type of thing. this latest though is back in the form of old, in that it is manipulative and not thoughtful at all of how i might (or do) feel about something, and that he didnt discuss it with me, just presented me with something and then told me what to do. iyswim.

the point is though, that it takes 2 people to reconcile, or to at least attempt to do so. and to give him his due, he DID make this effort and that means alot, enough to try be friedns and move on even when it is difficult. i would have no problem doing this with SIL, but she doesnt want to have an adult relationship with me where each person is accountable for their actions etc. she wants it be that she can do, say what she wants, and we all have to be okay with that, but we arent allowed to say or do what we want, unless it is filtered with SIL in mind and all her requirements wants needs et cetc.

as an example, others have mentioned that it is a little strange to expect condolence cards for a grandparent. this is a case in point. it would nbot have occured to me in the normal swing of things to send a card. and this would have then be recieved as a deliberate slight and oversight and an examle of my evident evilness. when really, not only is none meant, but her expectations are the problem in the first place.

argh sorry, i feel bad, this isnt cool, i dont really want to slag her off or say horrible things, its not fair and really, not central to my issue. which is of course, to send the card or speak to my brother and take my lumps as they come!

[Bottleofmilk]

exactly vivipru

[Inertia]

I wouldn't be going out of my way to attempt to stage the reconciliation that your brother seems to be working towards. However , I think there is a danger of you getting painted as a villain necessarily, with (unjustified!) complaints about you being vindictive towards your grieving SIL- a sympathy card will keep you on the side of the moral high ground.

I'd write a card to both of them- Dear BName and SILName, so sorry to hear that GrandparentName has passed away. My condolences to you and to all of the family. Best Wishes, BottleOfMilk

If your brother is using this sad occasion to push you into apologising for behaviour you have no need to regret, or making promises that you shouldn't have to , then that's a bit underhand and you'd be right to avoid going into any further contact.

[MyMamaToldMe]

I agree with your DH - just reply saying how sad and pass on your condolences. I don't see a certain family member of mine as we had a major falling out (not going to go into the details), but she did send me a bday card this year, but because of how I feel about her, I could not even open the card. Who is to say that your SIL will even open the card once she sees it is your hand writing?

[ViviPru]

For your own sanity, go to the shop now, buy a card, write it, send it and just put it all out of your mind.

We can go backward and forwards all day with the rights and wrongs of this but you've just got to get on with your day.

Saddened and strangely relieved in equal measure that there is someone out there who is in an identical situation to my own. I am totally with you.