ok, i will try keep it short and to the point, but not leave anything major out (drip feeding sucks)
so, DB got married a few years ago. his wife is difficult. everything ticked along for a while, and then went epic and huge fall out with DB, his wife and my family (parents, DH etc). it was all very traumatic and awful. so, state of play now is that my parents and DB are talking again, as are DB and I, but his wife is not talking to me at all, and says she hates me. I am actually ambivalent about that, on one hand, its not nice to know that someone feels that way about you, but on the other, i am just relived not to have to deal with her.
cutting to the chase! SILs grandmother has just died and DB sent me a message to say that it would mean alot to him if i would take the oppertunity to write a nice message to SIL about her loss etc etc, as she will probably appreciate it (his words).
so, my first instinct was to say no. on the grounds that i dont actually know the grandmother (or any of SILs family) and that SIL and i dont have the sort of relationship where this would be something we would do (before the fall out nevermind after it). and also because i think this is a manipulative (on his part, i dont think SIL even knows he has messaged me) attempt on his part to get me to communicate with SIL.
my second thought, was ok, if you take all the history out, what would be an appropriate respnse to finding out someone you know has a relative that died and they are upset about it. and i thought, well in those circumstances i would probably buy a card and send that.
but i am feeling really annoyed by the whole thing. which is probaly where i am being unreasonable. i just feel that its not appropriate for DB to tell me what my respnse should be to his news, and then couch it in terms of what would be the decent thing to do.
oh, god. i am being unreasonable arent i?
AIBU?
AIBU about my brother and SIL?
Bottleofmilk · 28/09/2011 10:43
No no, I wasn't suggesting you did anything 
I didn't mean what did you do to her, as in actually DO 
I asked what did she feel you did to her.
And from what you say, it seems that your crime was to fall out with your brother [boggle] and to not wish to get into a conversation with her about it.
You really are well out of it
But I still think you should send the note.
do you not realise how much it will piss her off, yet if she bitches about it, she'll look like a nut. 
I can just about imagine...
SIL: "This is so upsetting, Granny dying and all, I have no-one left anymore except you."
DB: "I'm here for you babe, you know I am."
SIL: "But how can I be sure of you? When it matters, you're on your family's side anyway. I'm all alone now."
DB: "You know that isn't true. I've always stood up for you, put you first."
SIL: "But you're always talking to that sleazy sister of yours. She treated you like shit and yet you're all makey-uppey with her and talking to her more than to me!
DB: "She's my sister. I'm just trying to be on normal talking terms with her. The only reason we've been working through stuff is, well, because there has been loads to work through!"
SIL: "I don't know why you even bother. She's just a bitch. She hates me, she hates that you have married me. She doesn't even care about you."
DB: "She's not a bitch! And I don't think she hates you. And why would she be talking to me, working through things, if she didn't care about me?"
SIL: "Of course she hates me. She won't talk to me. She'd never apologise. Even though I'm her brother's wife. She doesn't even care that she's hurting you, by not talking to me."
DB: (silently mulling over this, as it is true that the strained relations between his wife and his sister make life difficult for him)
SIL: "I'm sure she won't even send condolences about Granny. The heartless bitch. She wouldn't, for fear she might be seen as giving in first. You say she doesn't hate me. Why does she never reach out, then, make a first step? For your sake if for nothing else."
DB: (suddenly thinking it would be rather nice if his sister would find the largesse to reach out, especially since he knows that his wife never will)
"I'm sure she will! She's not heartless, you know."
SIL: "That just shows how little you know her. I bet she wouldn't, even if you asked her to. To her, it's all about being right. She wouldn't want to be seen to be reaching out, as it would mean some admittance of guilt. She'd never do that. Not even for your sake."
DB: "You're wrong. Sure, she can be well pigheaded, we all know that. But not when someone's died, surely. When you get right down to it, she's really decent, you know."
SIL: "You just wait and see. There will be no card forthcoming. You'll have to admit I'm right about her. It's always the same."
Later that evening, DB writes to OP. He really, really wants her to write to his DW, to prove her wrong. In composing his e-mail: DB: (Hmm I can't explain outright, she wouldn't want to help me in scoring points in arguments with my wife. I'll have to guilt-trip her a bit. But if she does write, yet sounds insincere, DW will pick holes into it and make it seem worse than if she hadn't written at all. I know: I'll ask her to write a proper letter, not just a card. Then DW won't be able to claim it was insincere. And I can tell DW that DSis is obviously making a huge effort and reaching out. That WILL prove DW wrong. And maybe she'll agree to get back to talking terms eventually...)
Ok, I admit my imagination has run away with me but the whole situation just sounded so unlikely, I couldn't help but try to figure out a scenario that would explain why your (OP's) DB would try to get you to write a letter of condolence to your non-speaking SIL over SIL's grandmother's death.
(Also, I'm clearly procrastinating)
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