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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know where my DH is at night?

16 replies

SouthernandCross · 27/09/2011 21:26

This is an ongoing battle between us.
When he's coming home after work he's pretty good at ringing me and letting me know he's heading home but when he goes out at night, he is rubbish. I have lost count of the number of times I've had no idea where he is at night.
Tonight I know he's going to 'a concert'. Don't know where or who with. This morning he said there was a good chance he wouldn't go as he was working lates but he'd let me know what was going on.
So here it is almost 9:30 and I've heard nothing from him. No answer at work, no answer on his mobile. Of course he's probably at this concert- somewhere in London. But part of me can't help panicking that he's lying in a gutter somewhere :(
Actually I know I'm over reacting a little, I can't help it- I have abandonment issues, but am I really BU to ask that I know where he's going?

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/09/2011 21:41

Why doesn't he tell you beforehand? Do you ask? What happens if you do? Have you told him how it makes you feel when you don't know where he is and can't contact him?
How often does it happen?
Sorry for all the questions!
From the information you have given us so far, I don't think you're overreacting at all. In fact you may be underreacting!
Do you have DCs? What if something happened to one of them (or you) and you needed to reach him in a hurry?

BoastingByStealth · 27/09/2011 21:42

It's not on. How would he react if the roles were reversed?

I don't think you are over reacting, I'd be pretty pissed off. I've been in your position many times and its shite.

Have you asked him to be better at being contacted/contacting you?

Do you not ask what the concert is, where, who with etc?

Original poster
SouthernandCross · 27/09/2011 22:04

He says' Is it okay if I go to a concert/ out for a drink/ out for a meal?' every so often. 1-3 times a month so I don't think he's taking the piss in wanting to go out.
I say 'Put it on the Calender.'
I went to the calendar tonight to find 'Concert Evening'.
I will no doubt have to explain why that's not sufficient information and we'll have our customary argument about it.
As i said, this is an ongoing problem that we've fallen out about many, many times. He just can't get it into his head that I need know where he is when he goes out at night.
It's not just if I needed to contact him in an emergency but if something happened like a fire or a bomb in town, it would be good to know what part of town he's in.
If I go out, it's local and I make sure he knows where I am but of course he doesn't really think he needs to know.
Pah- men. Am going to bed.

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 27/09/2011 22:10

but don't you just gleam the basics in everyday conversation? If I know my DH is going out one night, I won't necessarily be quizzing him but I'll certainly ask where he's going & who he's meeting and likewise after the event I'll ask if he had a good time who was there, any gossip etc.

Maybe it not what you're asking but how you're asking IYKWIM? If however he's being evasive then YANUB

susiedaisy · 27/09/2011 22:10

Besides anything else it's basic good manners and common sense to let someone who you share a house with know where your going, but I've been in your shoes and it's unsettling not knowing where your other halve is or when or indeed if they are coming home, I hated it, my ex couldn't understand my point of view at all, so are you saying you haven't heard from him at all, so you don't know if he's at work still or gone to the concert??

susiedaisy · 27/09/2011 22:12

Does he ever ask you to join him on these nights out?

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/09/2011 22:13

Why didn't you ask him what concert was he going to?
Do you not communicate?

ImperialBlether · 27/09/2011 22:18

It doesn't sound as though you have normal, everyday conversations about what you're doing.

It's completely unfair that he goes out without saying where and doesn't answer his phone. Of course you shouldn't worry, but it's natural to wonder if he's in the gutter, when in fact he's just in the pub.

I wouldn't like to have a partner have a part of his life that's so removed from conversation.

Original poster
SouthernandCross · 27/09/2011 22:21

He usually books these concerts a few months in advance, and they get forgotten about until a day or two beforehand when he reminds me he's got tickets. He likes folk music, so it's not usually a band I recognise and he usually writes down band name @ location on the calender but tonight there is nothing.
We have young kids and these things often start too early for me to be able to get them to bed and get a babysitter. I'm not really interested tbh. Plus they are usually standing concerts and I'm too old for that these days after a day of running around with the kids! I would like to go to some of the bigger concerts he goes to but as I said we have no one who can get kids to bed, so couldn't leave here until 7:30.
Have had a text from him now, saying he is 'at the concert' but he is being bloody vague about this one, so will be giving him the 3rd degree when he gets in the door.

OP posts:
Catsmamma · 27/09/2011 22:23

Maybe he is on a mission for MI5.

fluffles · 27/09/2011 22:25

i don't really care that much about knowing where my DH is in the evenings (except knowing if he's in or out) but i don't think that he'd go out without at some point mentioning who he was with or where just in general conversation and chatting... he was out the other night with a friend he hasn't seen for a while so i would ask how the friend is doing... catch up, just sort of chit chat... do you not do that?

DuelingFanjo · 27/09/2011 22:26

I would ask what he's going to see, maybe even say 'oooh - I'd love to see that/them' how about we go together?'

ThePosieParker · 27/09/2011 22:27

Concert....with Joanna/Michelle/Stacey?

minimisschief · 27/09/2011 22:28

he asks you if he can go somewhere
you tell him to mark it on calender
he does and you check this
says he is going out

imo it is you wh is the problem lol. i mean you ask him to just mark that he is going out on a calender. it is hardly sufficient to put details on it. You do not even inquire as to where or who he is going with or when he will be back

Basically there wouldnt be a problem if you just asked him the information when he says can i go to a concert.

Original poster
SouthernandCross · 27/09/2011 22:33

I ask him how the concert was yes, but as I said, they aren't bands I know or songs I'd recognise, so conversation about it is limited.
As I said above, he often books these concerts months before the date. I freely admit my memory isn't good enough to remember band names and venues for that long. Is it really asking too much to get him to write down who is going to see and where on the calendar?
I don't usually ask who he's going with because I don't know anyone he works with. There isn't really much to talk about on that subject.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 22:35

Pretty selfish of him to live like a single guy when it suits him, would he be happy with you doing the same?

Try it sometime so he knows how it feels to not know what the fuck is going on or where you are.

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