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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask exH for £10 every two weeks for 18 year son?

84 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 27/09/2011 13:55

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this please.

DS1 is 18 and just started college.

ExH and I have always had a good relationship since we spilt up 10 years ago and had a joint custody arrangement for DS1 so there were no issues with 'maintenance' whilst he was growing up.

However for the last 2 years DS1 has stayed at my house, he goes out and meets his dad but hasn't stayed there (due to new wife and tiny bedroom)

So this week, my DS1 came through on Saturday afternoon and announced 'We've not got any food left that I can eat in the house' . I'm skint until Thursday so had to phone his dad and ask 'can you take DS1 out shopping and pick up some food for him'

He did but there was much humming and hawing i.e he's 18 why should I still be paying for him he's old enough to work.

I have never asked exH for penny until Sunday but I feel a bit annoyed at his attitude and response and feel like saying 'you are working fulltime and have a rich wife' I'm skint at least chuck a fiver a week in your son's direction

AIBU for thinking this??? In my head I keep jumping from being enraged to feeling quite petty so I'd appreciate other peoples views and insights Blush

OP posts:
youllbewaiting · 27/09/2011 18:33

What would £5 a week buy anyway?

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 18:35

He is legally responsible for him until he finishes full time education, perhaps you should mention that.

bemybebe · 27/09/2011 18:48

FabbyChic "He is legally responsible for him until he finishes full time education" - is it what you think or is it what you know? If he stays in fte until he is 30 - are the parents legally responsible for him until then?

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 18:54

Oh God, if that's true we're fucked, DSS is already stating his desire to become a mature student!

Shock
FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 18:57

I meant whilst he is at college, sorry should have clarified, whilst you are getting child benefit for a child up until the age of 19 if in full time education at college you are still entitled to maintenance. It is only if a child goes to University that Child Benefit stops as does maintenance.

frutilla · 27/09/2011 18:57

YANBU, even if the course is only part-time your ex should help out. And the new wife is step-mum like it or not so I'm sure she has influence on ex.

WilsonFrickett · 27/09/2011 19:00

The Ex-H is really not the issue here. Grown man of 18 nips through to the lounge and says 'I'm hungry'. I say 'there's food in the cupboard'. He says 'I don't fancy any of that'. I say 'oh well then' and return to MN.

You had provided food. The other adult in your house had refused not to eat it. What on earth has that got to do with your ex-p?

Although, actually, I do believe he should still be paying maintenance if his DS is in full-time ed, I don't actually see how that would have solved the situation, because presumably the money wouldn't have been sitting in your pocket, but you would have already spent that on groceries for him to turn his nose up at.

bemybebe · 27/09/2011 19:07

Ok, this is from CSA website:

"For child maintenance purposes, a child is anyone under 16 or someone between 16 and 19 who:

-is not, nor has ever been, married or in a civil partnership, and
-is in full-time non-advanced education."

In a different (child benefit) page:
"'Non-advanced' education includes the following:
GCSEs
A levels
NVQ/SVQ level 1, 2 or 3
BTEC National Diploma, National Certificate and First Diploma
SCE higher grade or similar
This isn't a complete list."

bemybebe · 27/09/2011 19:08

... so university students are expected to fend for themselves if their parents are not prepared to support them.

PeachyWhoCannotType · 27/09/2011 19:15

Which is why so many are dropping out for financial reasons, at least at my uni. Loan without a grant doesn't quite cover halls, if they can't find a job (or in the case of DH's uni are told not to take one due to lectures being scheduled somewhat randomly between 8am and 9pm with frequent changes) it's parental support or leave.

Also there may be no legal responsibility but there is a moral one: DH was behind me earlier reading this and he thinks someone not prepared to find a few quid a week for their offspring in FT education is out of order.

bemybebe · 27/09/2011 19:17

"someone not prepared to find a few quid a week for their offspring in FT education is out of order"
Absolutely

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 19:37

CreamolaFoamless: IF your son is in full time education you are entitled to maintenance, at least for another year.

In fact if you'd claimed through the CSA the fact you have joint residency would make no odds. what matters is how often the child or children stay at each home.

Ultimately you DS is both of your children, why shouldn't you ex be helping him through college financially? You are

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 27/09/2011 19:39

OP, so why didn't you insist that your ex start to pay maintenance when the joint custody ended?

Even if the ds had a part time job it would still cost the OP to house him. I worked part time all the hours I could as a student but it wasn't possible to pay rent to my parents/for food/clothes/college expenses/travel etc (got horrifically in debt and couldn't afford half the stuff that was necessary). So shouldn't the dad be helping out the boy? The mum is as the one he lives with so why not his dad?

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 27/09/2011 22:37

no im not ENTILtED to maintanence

all i want is for him chuck a fiver in his direction evey now and again

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 22:39

YOu said your child was at college, if your child is at college and not university taking a degree you are entitled to it.

LunarRose · 27/09/2011 23:13

Yes you are entitled. If you are finding it difficult to support your son through his education then for the sake of your son you should be claiming it.

(Unless of course you have a financial settlement that states otherwise)

2rebecca · 27/09/2011 23:39

If your son is 18 then he should be asking his father for money to support him. I suspect that may be more successful and more appropriate. Once my son leaves school and goes to college/ university I expect his dad and I to be discussing money with him not each other. We will discuss money with each other but money will be paid directly to the kids, not to each other. My husband pays money to my 21 year old stepson who is at college but his exwife isn't involved in the negotiations. Time for everyone to start treating your son like the adult he is.

2rebecca · 27/09/2011 23:45

CSA payments only apply to over 18s if they are not doing anything higher than A levels, which excludes many 18 year olds at college as they are in further education like my stepson.

ilovesooty · 27/09/2011 23:46

I agree with WilsonFrickett

The issue seems to be that the lad was too fussy to eat the food available.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 28/09/2011 01:16

no no no no no ...........I have never asked for maintenance , nor my ex husband asked me for maintnence....

I was skint this week and had to ask for help which was akward

OP posts:
Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 28/09/2011 01:19

wilsonfrickett / ilovesooty (good name by the way)

he is fussy .......but it's not like he can eat the other food, he actually vomits if trys something that his outside his food permaters .

PITA yes but heyho

OP posts:
2rebecca · 28/09/2011 09:35

At 18 vomiting if you try different food isn't a casual thing. If there was nothing at all in the house he could eat it sounds as though he eats very little. He should have been made to try a range of foods when younger. If you both want him to continue being weird and fussy then I'd give him a food allowance each week and have him sort his own food out for the week. I think 18 year olds plus who stay at home should be encouraged to become independant byhaving to manage money, prepare meals, do their own washing etc just as they would in a student flat.

AmberLeaf · 28/09/2011 10:57

He should have been made to try a range of foods when younger

Without you knowing the backstory of why he has issues with food, dont you think you're being rude and presumptuous in saying that 2rebecca?

I do.

WilsonFrickett · 28/09/2011 10:59

OP, I did also say that I thought your ex should still be contributing Grin - feel I have to wade back in as my DS also has food issues. But at 18 he does have to learn that if he eats all 'his' food the food fairy doesn't magically replenish it! How would he manage in his own place if he ate everything on Monday and didn't get paid till Thursday?

2rebecca · 28/09/2011 11:09

Come on, how many of us would want to live with a bloke who vomited if he didn't get his own special food? This is toddler behaviour, only understandable in an adult if he has physical problems or autism, neither of which the OP mentions.