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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask exH for £10 every two weeks for 18 year son?

84 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 27/09/2011 13:55

I'd appreciate your thoughts on this please.

DS1 is 18 and just started college.

ExH and I have always had a good relationship since we spilt up 10 years ago and had a joint custody arrangement for DS1 so there were no issues with 'maintenance' whilst he was growing up.

However for the last 2 years DS1 has stayed at my house, he goes out and meets his dad but hasn't stayed there (due to new wife and tiny bedroom)

So this week, my DS1 came through on Saturday afternoon and announced 'We've not got any food left that I can eat in the house' . I'm skint until Thursday so had to phone his dad and ask 'can you take DS1 out shopping and pick up some food for him'

He did but there was much humming and hawing i.e he's 18 why should I still be paying for him he's old enough to work.

I have never asked exH for penny until Sunday but I feel a bit annoyed at his attitude and response and feel like saying 'you are working fulltime and have a rich wife' I'm skint at least chuck a fiver a week in your son's direction

AIBU for thinking this??? In my head I keep jumping from being enraged to feeling quite petty so I'd appreciate other peoples views and insights Blush

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 27/09/2011 15:31

I find it sad too altinkum. My Dad continued helping paying for me after I was 18 and helped out at University etc (as did my Mum). He would have hated seeing either me or my brother (or my Mum for that matter) struggling (and I'm not suggesting he didn't let us stand on our own two feet that wasn't the case at all). It wouldn't have crossed his mind that anything else was acceptable. In fact my Dad still pays money to my Mum money 20 odd yrs later for a house settlement - even though it is well past that being paid off. I think he just recognises the sacrifices my Mum made to her career while having children.

I don't think the OP is suggesting that the new wife pays anything and I think she has explained her little outburst on that point. The anger being more directed at her Ex than his wife.

fanjobanjowanjo · 27/09/2011 15:35

Any reason why your son hasn't a job?

He could easily have a p/t job to cover such eventualities (unless he can't for work for any reason obvs).

onehellofaride · 27/09/2011 15:35

bemybebe I'm not sure they were referring to new wife paying maintenance more that X and new wife would have enough money for them to live if he paid maintenance.

OP YANBU although I'm not sure I would be too happy with my DS eating all his food in one evening with his friends. Maybe you should sit him down too and explain that you don't have enough money coming in to feed the street

woowoo2 · 27/09/2011 15:36

all those on this thread who are saying her ds should be working - there aren't enough Jobs out there for those who are not in FT education.

I thisnk your exh is being very mean to not want to give a fiver a week for his son!

zukiecat · 27/09/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TottWriter · 27/09/2011 15:37

TBH, it would make sense for your Ex to give your DS some money. He is still in full time education, and has changed from spending equal time with both of you to predominantly living with you. It's fine for him not to want to give you anything, but does he really begrudge his son a bit of pocket money?

My DB is 18 and at college, and my dad pays my mum about a couple of hundred pounds a month for him. Just because he's 18 it doesn't mean my dad has stopped being responsible for him as much as my mum is.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 27/09/2011 16:06

@fanjobanjoawnjo

he did work through the summer ..........at his Uncles cafe (Exh brother) but the work has dried up now

OP posts:
PeachyWhoCannotType · 27/09/2011 16:11

That's common: at the local university people are droping out due a dearth of work: graduates from the last few eyars are holding on to PT jobs as nothing else is coming up so it's all gone stale in the PT student market

AmberLeaf · 27/09/2011 16:35

Bemybebe Im not saying his wife should pay anything [dont think anyone else has either]

The point is that the EX cant plead poverty if he has a rich/high earning spouse, if he lived alone with low income/high outgoings then yes fairdos.

I think parents [typically NRPs] that think offspring stop costing anything at 18 weird TBH.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 27/09/2011 16:46

AmberLeaf he wasn't a non residant parent ...

he is into new wife coz she has got money ...but I hate the fact he is acting like dickhead right now and pleading poverty!

I used to think that was ok whilst he lived on his own but essentially all I'm asking for on behalf of my son is £5 a week to help out a bit

OP posts:
bemybebe · 27/09/2011 16:47

Amber But by taking into account her financial contribution to their joint household you essentially take her money to pay the maintenance. It maybe going via the ex's pocket but it is still her money that she brought in to the household. In the extreme example if he lost all earnings and lives off her but still continues to pay the maintenance, you can see that this money is coming from her pocket, surely.

This is not to say that they guy is a complete wanker for not supporting his ds for two years.

Incidentally, I am also not sure if parents must pay maintenance to children at university. It is a decent thing to do of course, but is it really an obligation by law??

sausagesandmarmelade · 27/09/2011 16:48

How can you be sure that if he had this extra fiver a week he'd spend it on food anyway?

I think this is silly. Your Ex husband has other responsibilities. He's not obliged to give his 18 year old son pocket money....who is legally now at the age of responsibility.

He should have money of his own now (grant, dole, earnings) of which he should be contributing towards his living expenses.

Your anger should not be targeted towards your ex but should you should be motivating your son to stand on his own two feet!

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 27/09/2011 16:55

I disagree. The XH is his father he has equal responsibility as the OP towards their son. If he can't afford to pay or won't why isn't he talking to the son about finding work. And tbh I don't think "obligation" comes into it. Why does he not want to help? Why is all this just the OP's responsiblity?

AmberLeaf · 27/09/2011 17:03

OP no but he has been an NRP for the last 2 yrs?

Bemybebe, I get what you are saying, but its nonsense really [not you saying it! just that notion] the fact is if a household has more than one income its easier on both parties and whatever outgoings they have.

The wifes money doesnt have to pay for anything, im sure £10 per week is not going to bankrupt the OPs EX or impact on his new wifes purse or their joint outgoings in any way, although if you marry someone who has children you should be resigned to the fact that they have a responsibility [financial] to them that comes before you.

bemybebe · 27/09/2011 17:05

Absolutely it is not just OP's responsibility and her ex should be supporting his ds financially as well as morally as much as OP does. I was just asking about 'obligation' to pay maintenance when ds is over 18 and at university because I do not think legally one can force him.

Original poster
CreamolaFoamless · 27/09/2011 17:07

saugesandmarmelade what other responisibilities does my ExH have?

ps. it not easy find to find a job when your 18 and studying.....it limits the hours you can 'work'

OP posts:
bemybebe · 27/09/2011 17:09

amber I hear you. I gave an extreme example and with 10£ mentioned here it should not be even an issue for a loving father ffs.

minimisschief · 27/09/2011 17:09

'but there was plenty of food in the house just not food he would eat !'

Then why should your ex pay for food if he already has the food in the house? i am guessing that he has survived up until now with whatever food you brought into the house? what has actually changed

i do not really care about if he actually does have to pay for your sons maintence at 18. but this seems like a really stupid reason.

sausagesandmarmelade · 27/09/2011 17:17

I have no sympathy....this is a pathetic situation and the OP is not helping her son to stand on his own two feet and be independant.

I know 2 bright girls (around the same age as OPs son) who study hard and are also happily working part time jobs in order to earn themselves some extra money....even though they live at home.

It can be done............and OPs son needs a kick up the backside...instead of all this pandering.

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 17:26

On the face of it I don't think it would be unreasonable to say to ExH "hey, do you think you could manage to bung DS a fiver a week until he's got a job?"

I do however think DS is being unreasonable not to eat what is available and to expect to have more money spent on food for him (regardless of where the money comes from) and it's up to you to tell him that. It kind of looks like "well I'm not going to buy you any more food but your Dad and his rich wife can"

And on another issue do you think perhaps your DS isn't staying over at his Dad's is partly to do with him becoming a bit old for sleep overs and partly out of loyalty toward you as you clearly dislike the presence of the new wife. Sorry if i've read between the lines it wrongly, but if he's stopped staying over that's down to you.

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 17:29

I agree with sausage about the working, my niece also worked two jobs whilst going to college.

AmberLeaf · 27/09/2011 17:47

Granted jobs that fit in with studying arent easy to come by these days.

In some areas of the country its easier but definitely not all.

Constance is visiting one of your parents a 'sleepover' ?!

ConstanceNoring · 27/09/2011 17:54

No Amber I don't consider it so, I was just looking at why the DS is happy to visit his Dad but doesn't feel he wants or needs to stay over any more. Perhaps he feels he's too grown up to be told where to sleep and that's why he's dropped off the overnighter? that's all.

Dinosaurhunter · 27/09/2011 18:01

Op - my dss has just turned 18 and this week we have stopped the maintance ( which I might add was £500 a month) as he has had a full time job for the last 6 months , but we continued to pay maintance till he was 18 because we thought we were doing the right thing ! But the exw is not very happy about it !
I do think your ex seems abit mean considing your son is in full time education as we were all ready to pay half of uni costs till dss dropped out of school , though I might add we continue to pay his phonebill and driving lessons !!

AmberLeaf · 27/09/2011 18:18

Constance-I get what you are saying.