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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 'no kids please' on a wedding invite is non-negotiable?

111 replies

madmomma · 26/09/2011 19:57

Getting married (v small, cheap, low key wedding - only 30 of us in total) in a couple of weeks. Literally just signing the reg then having drinks and sandwiches in our local. Sent the invites out weeks ago, specifying very clearly no kids. Even our own baby son won't be there, because we want to relax. My mum will be looking after him at home, and none of my dp's family are coming either. (No bad feelings - just that it's a non-event as we've been living together, have kids & just want to formalise things.) All good until one of dp's friends starts moaning to us about not being able to find babysitting for his middle child. And asking would it be ok if we brought him? Dp defers to me and I say no, sorry. The thing is, all our friends have little children and they will be going to the trouble of finding childcare. He's mentioned it a couple of times since, which I find incredibly rude. It's not like the child is a breastfed baby or anything: he's 3. As it is we have already changed the date of the wedding to accomodate this man's work schedule! I have loads of reasons for not wanting kids there, but surely it's rude and unreasonable to put us in a position where we have to justify ourselves?

OP posts:

Hammy02 · 27/09/2011 09:54

I had a child free wedding and not a single comment was passed by anyone. Maybe I just have decent, normal, considerate friends and family?

LisasCat · 27/09/2011 09:57

I hope all the nosey old bags up thread have returned to see that, even though it was none of their business, you did them the courtesy of explaining your family dynamic. Now they can stop fretting that you're going to hell in a handcart, because your mum and DS won't be at your wedding.

Your day sounds perfect, and like others, I think you should double check he's not planning to do what a couple of other posters have mentioned, and bring the child along anyway. When I've taken the trouble of finding a babysitter so I can attend attend a child-free wedding, nothing has fucked me off more than seeing someone else bring their children, because they couldn't be arsed to follow the bride and groom's request. Those same children then get bored (because there are no other children to play with), and derail the event.

Honeydragon · 27/09/2011 10:03

UANBU he is
It should be obvious it is a small adults only affair from the invite and the location. Is he a single parent?

heymammy · 27/09/2011 10:07

Madmomma, you said on your op that he can't find babysitting for his middle child...what's he doing with his other children?

I think your plans sound excellent and totally get the 'low key not a big palava' scenario.

FlumpsRule · 27/09/2011 10:11

Sorry didn't read all thread so excuse me if I am making a repeated suggestion. Think your wedding plan sounds great btw. YANBU. As there are loads of kids being 'dealt with'(!) can one of the other babysitters look after this 3 yr old for a couple of hours?? Have a lovely day whatever

beaker25 · 27/09/2011 10:30

Just another one to add, I'm sorry you've had to justify your family situation to some rather judgemental people on here. If/when I get married most of my family, including my mother, probably won't be there due to complicated family dynamics.

I'm sad that the first part of this has shown that this is something I'll be needing to justify to people, and that some people will be judging me for this. I wish people could remember that not everyone has the same family situation. If you have a traditional family set up and are happy with that, great. No need to judge people who don't though.

OP, your wedding plans sound lovely, stick to your guns re. no children. If your venue isn't terribly child friendly, it's for the best for everyone if there are no kids. Hope you have a lovely day, and the day you want!

minxofmancunia · 27/09/2011 10:49

OP YANBU we had a child free wedding and no one made a fuss over it.

I've attended 2 "child free" weddings now where guests just brought their dcs along anyway, extremely rude IMO, they should have just not come, or one partner come alone.

octopusinabox · 27/09/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

x2boys · 27/09/2011 11:12

i was invited to my cousins wedding a few weeks ago rather fabulous no expense spared do originally it was no children which i didnt have a problem with [ but i me and dh coulnt go to as we dont have a baby sitter it was an all day affair i i couldnt expect anybody to babysit my two all,day,my baby is sixteen months old and hard work] however apparently a lot of people could nt come for the same reason so they deceided children could come but i wasent offended by their first decision it was their wedding and their choice when i got married i hda very small do 25 guests as that was what i wanted.

heleninahandcart · 27/09/2011 11:32

Your wedding plans sounds perfect. YANBU

Those posters who are questioning other arrangements, WTF?

Laquitar · 27/09/2011 11:41

InTheNight it is 2011 not 1800! Wtf 'embarassement' are you talking about???

I personally like children at weddings but OP if thats what you like then thats your right. Your friend is unreasonable.

Have great day!

nomoreheels · 27/09/2011 11:43

Yanbu. I think childfree (well, toddlers - I think babes in arms & older kids are usually fine) weddings are reasonable if you want to have a certain atmosphere - especially at the ceremony. I recently went to a small wedding (40 guests) where one of the flower girls had a meltdown just as the bride was walking down the aisle, and had to be carried off. The ceremony was disrupted constantly by 4 other toddlers. It was in no way their fault, that's what toddlers do - but it overshadowed all the work put into the occasion. The bride wished she'd hired a nanny or two for the afternoon to mind all the little ones.

I'm abroad for my sister's wedding with 4 month old DD & will be keeping a seat near the back just in case she gets vocal. :)

Jins · 27/09/2011 11:44

We had a family free wedding and a party for friends afterwards. It was exactly the right thing to do at the time and it's exactly what I'd do now. It wasn't a traditional wedding though because we were getting married rather than having a wedding.

Your guest sounds dreadful and I'd make it clearer than clear what the situation is. You won't miss him if he doesn't come

Uglymush · 27/09/2011 11:48

We stuck to family children only, and only then because we have a nephew and my DH insisted he was there. One coulple had to leave early to relieve their babysitter and another only the husband attended and wife stayed at home with their daughter. In my opinion their loss not mine. It was MY OUR day and we celebrated how we wanted. YANBU

TequillaMockingBird · 27/09/2011 11:54

I would say "sure bring him along. I am sure he will enjoy DP's sharp knife collection which will be on display, and our video of humorous home-porn out-take clips. Did I mention we are ending with a pole-dancing lesson for anyone interested?"

LadyMontdore · 27/09/2011 11:54

Your wedding sounds lovely, hope you have a wonderful time!

Just tell the obnoxious twit man that you'll be really sorry if he can't make it. I would write / or email this then he can't answer back (although you will need to check he has recieved it), perhaps ask him to let you know by xx if he'll be coming.
'Sorry to hear you are having trouble finding a babysitter, I'm afraid we really can't accomodate any children at the wedding. Please let us know by xx if you can make it or not, hope you manage to sort something out.'

madam52 · 27/09/2011 12:00

Weddings and funerals bring out the worst dont they ?!!

A friend of mine had no children or relatives at her wedding and just a few friends. The reason was she had an adult stepson who had been the bain of her life for years and all but split them up and she was determined that was one day he was not going to come between them (or physically imbetween them literally. So the only way was not to invite her grown up children or her parents otherwise obviously he would have to be invited too. So she just had her/hubby and two close friends/witnesses.

Without knowing the full story I dont think the OP should be judged on her unusual wedding guest list. Am sure she has her reasons and they are possibly long and complicated.

Tell friend to sod off btw - he's taking the piss. I s he one of those people thinks rules/requests etc dont apply to him.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 27/09/2011 12:38

YANBU at all - so many people end up having a wedding which is a zillion miles from what they wanted in an effort to accommodate everyone - well done for being clear about what you want.

Your friend is being a bit of a twat. Just Say No.

forrestgump · 27/09/2011 14:32

its your wedding, you do what you want, and dont feel you have to justify your day to anyone, IT IS YOUR DAY!!

its your dp's friends fault he cant get sitters for his middle child (how can he get sitters for the others and not the middle one?)

Have a wonderful day.
xxxx

Original poster

madmomma · 27/09/2011 18:59

Aw thanks for those lovely messages.x I was getting a bit upset (hormones) but they've really cheered me up, so thanks.

Inthenightgarden your post was very funny! You are nuts if you think I am ashamed of my beautiful children and my huge pregnant belly because we haven't got married yet! We couldn't be prouder or happier.

OP posts:

dikkertjedap · 27/09/2011 19:09

It is your wedding, you have been clear on the invitation so they should respect your wishes.

Personally I find it very odd to exclude children, but it is not unusual. I have been to many UK weddings were children were excluded. Where I am from this would cause an outcry and would be highly frowned at, just cultural differences I think.

flyingspaghettimonster · 27/09/2011 19:15

Maybe he keeps mentioning it because he hopes you'll say 'oh, my Mum is watching our baby, she can take your son too' - he's probably too cheap to pay for a sitter. If he's a good friend he'll do as you wish (I dragged my sister and a friend of hersalong to wait in a hotel room for three hours to watch my daughter while I attended a close friend's "no kids" wedding - imagine how mad I was to see other kids there and then to have her say later 'sorry, I should have just said kids were fine'). If he isnt close, he'll just grumble and then not show up. Either way, so long as he doesn't come with kid, you're fine.

QuietNinjaFotherMucker · 27/09/2011 19:15

Direct him to sitters.co.uk (no idea how to link on iPod sorry)
Enjoy your wedding day.

AllieZ · 27/09/2011 19:27

Ask the guy what part of "no kids" he does not understand :D

As for whoever said "there is no point" without your dc and mother - of course there is. It's a change of marital status and brings about changes in benefits, tax, etc.

i also understand your dc not veing there - if anyone needs any explanations, just watch a few You Have Been Framed wedding videos. Kids are best kept away from weddings.

bibbitybobbityhat · 27/09/2011 19:33

I can't understand why he is so bothered about attending such a low-key event! If he can't find childcare then he should decline your invite, politely, without giving it a second thought.

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