to think 'no kids please' on a wedding invite is non-negotiable?

[madmomma]

Getting married (v small, cheap, low key wedding - only 30 of us in total) in a couple of weeks. Literally just signing the reg then having drinks and sandwiches in our local. Sent the invites out weeks ago, specifying very clearly no kids. Even our own baby son won't be there, because we want to relax. My mum will be looking after him at home, and none of my dp's family are coming either. (No bad feelings - just that it's a non-event as we've been living together, have kids & just want to formalise things.) All good until one of dp's friends starts moaning to us about not being able to find babysitting for his middle child. And asking would it be ok if we brought him? Dp defers to me and I say no, sorry. The thing is, all our friends have little children and they will be going to the trouble of finding childcare. He's mentioned it a couple of times since, which I find incredibly rude. It's not like the child is a breastfed baby or anything: he's 3. As it is we have already changed the date of the wedding to accomodate this man's work schedule! I have loads of reasons for not wanting kids there, but surely it's rude and unreasonable to put us in a position where we have to justify ourselves?

Sorry, not your middle DC, obviously - your DP's friend's.

yanbu

I think its negotiable. But you still have the final word. If my bridesmaid got let down at the 11th hour, we'd have made room for her child obviously!

We allowed one child, DH's extended family (not seen them since and we got hitched 11 years ago) as they were travelling a long way.... they never said thank you, and I didn't mind as I was too busy getting married, but they DID complain that there wasn't much for their child to do!!! Arseholes.

I'll keep it simple and leave any personal feelings about children and weddings out of this. YANBU.

You've clearly stated that children aren't invited or welcome at your wedding and I can only see grief and bad feelings occurring if you make an exception. Because it'd be unfair to treat one guest differently to everyone else who has managed to cope with the no children rule by organising child care.

YANBU on both accounts.

Tell your friend the next time he askes that you've said no children, made it perfectly clear and are not going to budge from that position so please could he stop asking as it won't change the answer. Bit harsh but he dies keep asking.

FWIW I had a very small do, with the signing and food bit, just us, a few friends and children were at my mums. Best day of my life (we did cheat and have a blessing later for the sake of the parents and the children, which cost us a small fortune!). Do what makes you and your DH happy OP, that's all that matters - plus it's not like your son will miss anything, he's just a baby! Have a great day.

Don't worry babe i did not invite my birth mother , dad or older sister to my wedding am I am solo glad.

Have whoever you want at your wedding

if you have specifically said no children then yanbu he cant expect one rule for him one for everyone else. We had a small wedding (35 /40 people) but did have our children there plus the children of close family and it was lovely. I didnt invite my mothers family simply because she died years ago and i dont really see them much, alot of people thoguh it was odd but it was right for us.

YANBU. Stick to your guns girl!

This is YOUR day, don't spoil it for yourselves by being bullied into agreeing with something you don't want.

Thanks for the support. x

I also think that your friend is being very rude to keep asking. If you let him bring the child, it would be unfair on all the guests who had arranged childcare. Plus the child would be bored silly, I would imagine.

Have a lovely day.

Stick to your guns. Your friend has no manners.

If he brings it up again, just say a breezily "ah, I take it you wont be coming then if you cant sort out childcare" and change the topic.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

Don't be surprised if no matter what you say he just rolls up kid in tow.

This happened to my SIL, made it clear to her friend that her son (11ish at the time) was not invited as were no other children and would have to stay in the hotel and be babysat. Said friend turned up with a kid, much to the embarrassment of all, demanded a spare seat and plate of food had to be found which then had to be paid for (not by said friend of course.......)

SIL was plenty pissed off and I don't think they are friends any more.

If it was me I'd be calling him up pre-emptively just to remind him that I haven't changed my mind, I don't intend changing my mind and if he can't find childcare then it's a shame that he'll have to miss the wedding but you know that's what happens sometimes when you have kids. and definitely remind him that your son isn't going, and if he's not then his kid really won't be.

I'd also be getting a mutual friend to be having a chat with him to see if he's planning on bringing him regardless.

I'd also have a plan for what happens if he turns up with his dc on the day; could you task a (non?) mutual friend to basically turn him away in the nicest possible way of course! I think 3 is a bad age to bring a child to a non-child event tbh. A bf baby is one thing, still sort of attached to the mum so that's one thing. Or a 10 yr old who is happy to sit in a corner entertaining themselves with a book, ds or whatever. But a 3 yr old is just going to want to play or sleep or eat or cry regardless of the fact it's your wedding.

YANBU. And YANBU to invite friends and not family.

YANBU at all, OP, stick to your guns.

Your mother sounds cool, and your relationship with her sounds loving and honest, a refreshing change from the usual mother/wedding involvement scenario. Shame you felt you had to justify yourself because of some posters' judgemental comments.

For what it's worth, I would rather not have had most of my immediate family at my wedding, they came and made it difficult, as is their way with everything. I am not close to them at all. I have friends with whom I have a much more supporting and loving relationship. Not everyone has a close relationship with family, and some have loving relationships outside the normal dynamic, as demonstrated by the OP. Her relationship with her mother was a detail, not the subject of her question. Not nice, imo, that some of you chose to have a dig at her about it.

Have a wonderful wedding, OP.

Correct me if I'm wrong, the 'no kids' is because you don't want your son there, and the reason you don't want your son there is because you're embarassed about getting married after having kids?

Child-free weddings are like child-free Christmas as far as I am concerned. But YWYR at the end of the day.

Wtf? Either I have been reading a different thread or inthenightkitchen has! OP def stick to your guns on this. Not sure why you would want your small children at an adult party to be honest, far too much work much better if they are at home being cared for.

WTF, ITNK? Does that mean people who don't have children can't celebrate Christmas properly? Does that mean people who don't know anyone with kids can't have a proper wedding? What an idiotic post. And how exactly do you conclude the OP is ashamed??

at Sharrie I remember those blissful Christmases

Ok, maybe I should have said "Banning children from a wedding is like banning children from Christmas".

at kids doubling the cost of a wedding. Not unless your average child gets through two bottles of wine and half a bottle of fizz I would suspect.