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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be annoyed 2 weeks on by in laws' visit to meet new grand children?

62 replies

PrincessScrumpy · 26/09/2011 18:44

We have dd1 who is 3 and my in laws adore her. They are socially awkward but I'm used to it. 4 weeks ago I gave birth to ID twin girls. We spent 8 days in hospital as they were premature. We had 2 nights at home then the in laws (mil, fil and bil) all came for the weekend (Friday to Sunday). I had said I couldn't cope with bil as well as the house isn't big enough. mil and fil were in the nursery as twins are in our room at the moment, but it meant bil would have to be in the living room and he got stroppy last time we did this as dd1 would wake him at 7am. He came despite dh and I requesting he came another time.

He is a primary teacher and had been back at work for a week but was apparently "exhausted" so went up and napped in mil and fil bed from 9am-12pm after they'd got up on the Saturday, then fil napped 2-4pm as he was tired. On the Sunday, when dd1 went downstairs at 7.30am, bil actually went and got into dd1's bed. I was not happy and felt that visiting the couple who'd just had twins in special care (breathing and feeding probs), plus a cs, and not much sleep (as is obv the norm with newborns), taking naps was really taking the mickey.

I'd requested that if they came so soon, could mil cook something for us for dinner on the Saturday night - they got fish and chips in. tbh this wasn't ideal as constipation after a cs is terrible so really wanted some home cooked food and dh and I can get take out on bad days.

With the cs, standing was still a little painful and dh was happy to do all nappy changes before I bf them, especially as I'd done all of them while in hospital. It wasn't an issue and was just what we do when dh is home - mil said "Princess have you actually changed a nappy yet?!" I laughed and politely pointed out that I had done far more than her darling son, but luckily dh is a wonderful husband.

tbh, they played with dd1 but showed little interest in dtds. It felt like an obligitory visit to do their duty.

Finally, on Sunday morning I walked into the living room and in laws were sprawled over the sofas so there was nowhere for me to sit. Having had a cs I was recovering well but still needed to take things easy. I was so cross I went and did the washing up. It's such a contrast to my parents who have done housework, cared for dd1 and cooked us meals. I wasn't expecting as much as my parents do but making cups of tea and washing up their mess would have been good. Mil did make bil toast when he asked - didn't offer me any!

I want to get over it but I'm still so cross. dh is too but won't talk to them about it and has spoken to them since ignoring the issue. They made a comment by text that they probably visited too soon as we were a bit stressed. Yes, by the time they left we were!

OP posts:

CristinadellaPizza · 26/09/2011 18:49

God that sounds terrible and they sound v entitled and selfish. I'm not surprised you're annoyed. Congrats on your twins by the way :)

Dawndonna · 26/09/2011 18:54

My twins were 15 earlier this month. Ds is 19 months older. When they were born at 33 weeks, they were in special care for a fortnight. Step Mum came for the first week, cooked, cleaned and took Ds1 to school and entertained DH and Ds2. Then MiL came. I cooked, I cleaned, she sat in Sainsbury's coffee shop whilst I shopped. I'd just had an emergency cs, ffs. She hasn't been allowed to stay since. 15 years and it still pisses me right off!

nectarina · 26/09/2011 18:56

This is why i waited 3 months before letting family see dd!

Gigondas · 26/09/2011 18:58

Yanbu- they sound selfish and the bit about cooking really reminded me of being sick of hospital food, take away but too tired etc to cook.

Your bil sounds a gem- is he single

notsofastmrbond · 26/09/2011 19:02

Oh dear that sounds awful.

My in laws visited for the day when DD2 was 3 days old and annoyed me a bit but they were generally pretty good.

YANBU.

HUGE congratulations on your new DDs btw.

scarletfingernail · 26/09/2011 19:04

YANBU this sounds awful.

2 choices really. You do/say nothing and seethe on it for a long time.

Or, you get DH to tell them how you both felt and address it head on.

Personally, if they don't mention it again I'd probably do/say nothing as I hate confrontation with family. But I would make sure that they definitely never come as a threesome ever again and if asked why I would say why. Also if they bring up the weekend again and imply anything about you seeming stressed I would tell them exactly why I was stressed. I would also expect DH to do the same if they bring it up with him.

Congrats on the arrival of your twins. I was on the September ante-natal chat thread with you when it first started (under a different name) but left it soon after due to early MC. Delighted to hear you and your girls are all well.

AuntiePickleBottom · 26/09/2011 19:05

Yanbu how awful for them to cause more work for you

Congratulation on the birth of your twin girls

bagelmonkey · 26/09/2011 19:05

YANBU! I'm pissed off at your ILs!
How dare they text to say you seemed stressed. Talk about adding insult to injury. I wouldn't be inviting them back any time soon.

Everlong · 26/09/2011 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 26/09/2011 19:10

I think you deserve a medal.

They came to stay the minute you got home with twins.

Everyfucker went for naps because they were tired. They expected to be looked after.

I would have screamed and howled at them to go away TBH. But then I'm not very keen on people. I would have told someone to move up for me when they were sprawled though - and told them I'll have a cup of tea while they're up.

diddl · 26/09/2011 19:10

That sounds awful.

The only thing possibly is that they didn´t make a huge deal of the twins to the detriment of your daughter.

But going byck to bed OMFG!

Are they very old?

(Am on the fence about the fishnchips as I´m abroad & haven´t had any for years)

Inertia · 26/09/2011 19:11

They sound like a nightmare.

I'd be tempted to ring (or get DH to) whichever one of them is the least unreasonable (of a pretty bad sounding bunch!) with a list of the reasons why you are upset.

Also wouldn't have bloody gone and washed up while they sat about taking all the seats! I've read this on a similar thread before- I just can't understand why neither you nor your DH can just ask them to move or make space?

Inertia · 26/09/2011 19:12

And your BIL taking himself off to sleep in your DD's bed- I'm guessing he didn't offer to wash or change the sheets after?

mumblejumble · 26/09/2011 19:13

I don,t blame you at all, definitely nub.
I would be livid.
My ils are going overseas and returning 2 days before my due date and expect dh to pick them up at the airport, which is a 9 hour round trip.
Dh has offered to arrange and pay for a taxi, and they're not happy.
They also think they will be camping out at our house every day waiting for the baby.
I am not taking their calls.

mumblejumble · 26/09/2011 19:13

Yanbu

diddl · 26/09/2011 19:14

I just can´t imagine not being helpful to someone who´s just had a cs & twins.

At the very least looking after myself so that I wasn´t causing extra work.

LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 26/09/2011 19:17

Oh no, I only had one and I've been frustrated/angry with my inlaws and their visits when they have never bothered me before. I just don't get people who visit and expect to be waited on.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/09/2011 19:17

I'm with bagelmonkey, I'm pissed off with them. What a cheek? What a bunch of self-centred, entitled, lazy arsed gits. WTF did they think when you wandered into the room and couldn't find anywhere to sit so walked out again? Going back to bed? FFS!

diddl · 26/09/2011 19:19

Oh, and BIL-asked not to come, still did?

Does he live with his parents & couldn´t cope alone?

ipswichwitch · 26/09/2011 19:20

hi princess YANBU, i would be extremely irritated. i'm one of those who can find it stressful at the best of times having people to stay, never mind so soon after cs and your DTwins being in scbu. it was out of order for bil to come too, especially since you specifically asked him not to come then. i cant believe how many people think its ok to turn up and stay with a family with newborns, and expect to be waited on hand and foot, and not pitch in at all .
my dm and dsd are coming up to stay once our twins are born, but mum has insisted on staying in hotel down the road -dsd had a stroke and sleeps a lot as a result, and they dont want to put any pressures on us to try and accommodate that. it means he can go get his rest when he needs to, and dm will no doubt be fab and help with making meals/cuppas/ being adoring gm. il's live locally, but are pretty fab too. i dont think i could hold my tongue if i'd had your experience, but hope now they're gone it's a bit more relaxing for you :)

Original poster

PrincessScrumpy · 26/09/2011 19:21

didn't ask them to move as then i'd have to sit with them and i was too cross.

fil went to asda to get paper both mornings but didn't ask if we needed anything - he went without telling us.

mil offered to make sandwiches on sunday but they'd said they were leaving at 12pm, dh was so cross he turned and said "oh we thought you were leaving at 12 - we haven'y enough food for you to have lunch" this is not our normal character but we'd had enough.

OP posts:

Inertia · 26/09/2011 19:26

Fair play to your DH with the lunch comment- the only good thing about this is that at least you and your DH agree about how badly his family behaved.

I think it's about time it became generally accepted social etiquette that if you visit a family with a newborn you 1) cook or bring a meal and 2) do a household chore.

unfitmother · 26/09/2011 19:29

Cheeky beggars!

TeaMakesItBetter · 26/09/2011 19:29

Wow, what a nightmare, not surprised you're still cross, I would be too. When DS was born FIL and MIL insisted on coming when he was just about two weeks old and TOLD us they were coming Friday - Sunday. They have NEVER been to visit us before, or since. Managed with negotiation via DH to get them down to Friday - Saturday as I knew it would be exactly as you described and sadly I was right. Two weeks, EMCS, baby who was feeding but not putting on weight and starting to look ill with it and there I was making them cups of tea, entertaining them or otherwise being left in on my own feeding/expressing/sterilising/feeding/expressing/sterlising whilst poor DH had to take them out for tea. Of course another time I had to go with them so as not to be obviously anti-social. Still makes me angry.

IrmaLittleteapot · 26/09/2011 19:32

Gosh I had 6 hours of that with my family (DM, df, DSis) and I was ready to KILL. A whole weekend and there would've been a bloodbath.

I only have one dc as well!

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