To still be annoyed 2 weeks on by in laws' visit to meet new grand children?

[PrincessScrumpy]

We have dd1 who is 3 and my in laws adore her. They are socially awkward but I'm used to it. 4 weeks ago I gave birth to ID twin girls. We spent 8 days in hospital as they were premature. We had 2 nights at home then the in laws (mil, fil and bil) all came for the weekend (Friday to Sunday). I had said I couldn't cope with bil as well as the house isn't big enough. mil and fil were in the nursery as twins are in our room at the moment, but it meant bil would have to be in the living room and he got stroppy last time we did this as dd1 would wake him at 7am. He came despite dh and I requesting he came another time.

He is a primary teacher and had been back at work for a week but was apparently "exhausted" so went up and napped in mil and fil bed from 9am-12pm after they'd got up on the Saturday, then fil napped 2-4pm as he was tired. On the Sunday, when dd1 went downstairs at 7.30am, bil actually went and got into dd1's bed. I was not happy and felt that visiting the couple who'd just had twins in special care (breathing and feeding probs), plus a cs, and not much sleep (as is obv the norm with newborns), taking naps was really taking the mickey.

I'd requested that if they came so soon, could mil cook something for us for dinner on the Saturday night - they got fish and chips in. tbh this wasn't ideal as constipation after a cs is terrible so really wanted some home cooked food and dh and I can get take out on bad days.

With the cs, standing was still a little painful and dh was happy to do all nappy changes before I bf them, especially as I'd done all of them while in hospital. It wasn't an issue and was just what we do when dh is home - mil said "Princess have you actually changed a nappy yet?!" I laughed and politely pointed out that I had done far more than her darling son, but luckily dh is a wonderful husband.

tbh, they played with dd1 but showed little interest in dtds. It felt like an obligitory visit to do their duty.

Finally, on Sunday morning I walked into the living room and in laws were sprawled over the sofas so there was nowhere for me to sit. Having had a cs I was recovering well but still needed to take things easy. I was so cross I went and did the washing up. It's such a contrast to my parents who have done housework, cared for dd1 and cooked us meals. I wasn't expecting as much as my parents do but making cups of tea and washing up their mess would have been good. Mil did make bil toast when he asked - didn't offer me any!

I want to get over it but I'm still so cross. dh is too but won't talk to them about it and has spoken to them since ignoring the issue. They made a comment by text that they probably visited too soon as we were a bit stressed. Yes, by the time they left we were!

YANBU what a bunch of selfish twats. My inlaws stayed for a torturous 2 weeks when DD was a week old. DP and I nearly split up over it. They were that bad. Now whenever anyone I know or anyone on any forum mentions having any visitors stay for even 1 night I tend to yell "Don't DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ittttttttttttttttttt!" at the top of my lungs. Well, not unless absolutely sure the visitor/s wont be totally useless. Compulsion I guess

ooh can I join in? My ILs are deeply odd. After DD1 was born (their first grandchild) they arrived the day after I left hospital. DH had popped out for groceries. They are so socially awkward they sort of sat there while I asked them polite questions about their health and recent holiday until eventually I had to say I HAVE HAD A BABY YOU KNOW. Surreal.

Second time we had moved so they came to stay the day I left hospital. DD2 was premature and not feeding properly so I had midwives coming every 2 hours and was pumping every 3 hours basically I was utterly preoccupied and exhausted. The evening of their first day I came downstairs to find them sitting there waiting for me to make dinner (MIL is a great cook) DH had taken DD out when I said there was no way I was cooking anything they would have to get a takeway FIL said "but I dont like curry". FFS who goes to stay with a family with a newborn and doesnt bring a lasagne? Mortifyingly I was advised to take dd2 to bed with me naked to try to stimulate breastfeeding or something. ILs blundered in - needless to say my Christmas present that year was a sturdy nightie.

They sound awful. Premature babies, twins, bf both after a cs...they were unreasonable just to say at yours ffs.

No advice but I would not let them stay again until hell freezes over.

We told FIL I was being taken in to be induced on the Saturday. He told DH 'well we're up visiting your brothers on the Sunday, so we'll come at about 1pm. She'll have had it by then'. DH politely told him he would call when we were ready for a visit.
The week after I gave birth they arranged a visit. I was upset on the day as we'd given away our lovely pet ratties, but that's by the by. FIL & his wife turned up early while DH was still out. They'd brought FIL's elderly parents. And a bucket for them to pee in because 'your stairs are too steep'.
FIL said 'aren't you making us all a brew' as they took their coats off. Thankfully DH arrived home.
They took out a picnic/cake & dropped bits & crumbs all over. FIL said 'it's ok, iklboo can hoover when we've gone'.
His wife woke DS up by dragging his blankets off saying 'I love babies' feet'.
Grandad disappeared into the middle room & came back swinging a bucket of piss shouting 'what shall I do with this FIL?'
Oh how we laughed

Reading your story has given me a sort of indigestion, you poor poor thing! YANBU but do try and put it out of your head, don't dwell on it because otherwise it will mar your lovely twins' early days for you.

Congratulations! I hope you get some peace and space now.

iklboo

Can't read this thread as it's bringing back memories of my ILs' behaviour after I had DD

And DS is 6 this year. I still haven't quite forgiven FIL

Princess you need to decide what you are going to do with your resentment as it will fester. Mine did. Now it reads like a bad soap opera but at the time, I was on my knees.

DC3 spent 2 months in NICU. When he came home, he was rehospitalised with bronchiolitis. He got better but needed an operation due to brain bleeds and we didn't know what damage there was. Then my MIL came and made lots of comments about my having a cleaner, the kids not being fed properly etc. DH so stressed, he ended up in hospital. I had the weight of my family on my shoulders and all MIL was concerned with was that I should go shopping for ingredients so she could make DH his favourite dessert. No help for me whatsoever.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. A year later I had a panic attack at exactly the time she had visited. Ended up in counselling and that helped enormously.

The point of this long post is that I am a polite and non-confrontational person and I never said anything to her, I just pushed it down and ignored it. I was so gobsmacked at her lack of empathy, I didn't know how to handle it.

All the stress you've had with our DTs and then your in-laws selfishness, it's not surprising you're angry with them. I have rules in my head now about what I will and will not accept when she comes to stay and I have DH firmly on board. It helps, though I will never feel warmth towards her again.

I'm surprised that you put up with them all, but then we all do a lot of this to keep the peace don't we?! Thank God we can come on here and moan!

Princess - award yourself a large, large pat on the back for surviving that weekend and take heart that you have a wonderful husband who was there to help! You'll probably never quite forget the horror of it though - my PILs were exactly the same - MIL even said "shall I hold the baby and let you get on with things?" - in fact she said this after both my babies were born!!

Hopefully it will be along time before they visit again!

Eyeofthestorm How is your relationship now? How on earth can that be repaired?

Fucking hell what is wrong with people? I mean, I know before I had children I was a bit thoughtless when I went to see people with new babies (I cringe when I think that they made me a cup of tea) but they have had children themselves!!! This is what I just don't get.

i would be fuming and never let anyone like that stay in my house. ever. ever again. regardless of who they are and what kind of reasons they have.

i know someone who had a major falling out with pil about them staying over, not taking hints, overstaying their welcome, being ungrateful. pil think dil is being majorly U and still waiting for an apology. they have not stayed over since.

i hope any pregnant ladies with relatives planning to stay over just after the baby arrives are taking a lot of notes!

All sounds familiar, though not half as bad with me.

Mine involved my own parents, two hyper dogs and the TV on 16 hours a day when they stayed with us. They actually stayed down the road, which I thought was ok (only because I refused to let the dogs in the same room as us and the new baby) - though when I had to ask mum to take everyone home for an hour to give us some peace and quiet, dad was mightily offended, apparently. And this after numerous meals and cups of tea had been brought to him, without it even occurring to him to take his own cup or plate into the kitchen.

I love them, but thankfully their visits are few and far between :(

How awful for you! You should be the one being looked after, not them.

I hope it does't mar these precious first few weeks with your babies. Enjoy!

How awful for you! You should be the one being looked after, not them.

I hope it does't mar these precious first few weeks with your babies. Enjoy!

Happygilmore as it happens MIL is coming soon - she lives overseas (don't know whether that makes it harder or easier as she always comes for a long time so we are thrown together) and has already done something I consider selfish. But I talked it over with DH and we're on the same page. That's enough.

I will grin and bear it as long as she loves my DCs. I keep my defences up and have very low expectations of her. The weird thing is she always harps on about how hard it was with 3 children. You would think she would make an effort to lighten the load given she knows what it's like.

Sorry for hijack Princess, as you can tell, it is a huge bugbear for me and your situation really struck a chord. I am dreading her next visit, but actually, DH and I can have a joke about how awful she's going to be. Hope you get there.

I'm not surprised you're still cross. My dad visited 3 days after my twins were born, he came up specifically to 'help out' as OH paternity leave didn't start for another few days.

He did fuck all, expected me to keep him in cups of tea and biscuits and then expected me to drive him to the station when he left. I was so exhausted that I agreed and then spent ages crying when my stitches bled

My MIL came and brought whooping cough! Fanbloodytastic time we had two weeks later with a very ill newborn in hospital....

DH told his parents we weren't having any overnight guests when DS was born (which applied to everyone, not just them). They grudgingly conceded that they could stay in a B&B - we live in a seaside resort filled with cheap places, btw - then FIL phoned DH the day we came home from hospital and asked if he could go for a walk around and find them a place with vacancies! DH told him to get lost, thankfully. Of course, the place they ended up was terrible, a real rip-off, the implication being that we should have helped them find somewhere...they do have the internet at home and could do their own searching! Well, at least I didn't have to make them breakfast. That would have pushed me over the edge.

Frankly I would have the conversation with them about why you were stressed and how they made you feel. Otherwise the resentment will fester. Ideally, yes your DH would talk to his parents but as he won't I think you have to show the way. Set your boundaries now and make it clear to them (and your DH) what you expect.

Poor OP - make them stay in a B&B/hotel for all future visits.
And congrats on birth of your twins.

Good grief. You are not being unreasonable at all. They behaved like that when you've just had TWINS? (congratulations, by the way!)

I would refuse to speak to them for a long, long time.

Gosh I think the in-laws should have visited for an hour or two, made you some tea, brought you some presents and some shopping and buggered off, having washed up after themselves. NAPPING I ask you.

They sound absolutely awful, no wonder you are annoyed with them.

There is nothing like a new baby in the family to make relatives develop a strange sense of entitlement and think they are allowed to just lounge about at the new parents' house, expecting to be waited on hand and foot and to be able to hold the baby at their convenience.

My first husband's parents were awful for this; I'd just got home from hospital with DD1 and they arrived and just sat there, and sat there, expecting to be made meals and drinks. Actually his whole family were quite bad; loads of them turned up in hospital the night I'd had DD1 (emergency ventouse delivery, loads of blood loss, so exhausted from that), bringing boyfriends that had never met me before, at one point I had 16 of them around my bed so my mum asked the midwives to ask them all to leave. All whilst I was trying to establish breastfeeding and was bleeding heavily from the birth.

If I was in your position, I would have to say something to them as it's still on your mind and understandably upsetting you. Even if you have to send them a letter if you don't have the energy to actually say it to them, saying how upset you are with the way in which they behaved. I would be annoyed if any guest went and got in one of my childrens' beds for a lie in, let alone someone when I'd just given birth. If they get annoyed about you telling them how you feel then I would just let them get on with it, they have behaved appallingly and need to be pulled up on it.

You have to let them know, generally people don't take the hint, especially when family is involved.

I live abroad and we visit my family in the UK quite a bit (though we've stopped staying with them unless it's for one or maybe 2 nights, since they have pets and DH is mildly allergic).

My problem is when my parents visit us. They're "on holiday" and we're both still in working mode. My mum is always really helpful but my dad is a more "relax-on-the-sofa-til-someone-brings-me-a-cup-of-tea" guest. Our house just doesn't feel big enough for overnight guests and DH and I are screaming for them to leave by the end of a visit.

They came over for a week in April (after telling us they'd be booking a long weekend which we were fine with). When we saw them in May I asked my dad what he wanted for his 60th birthday and he replied, "a double bed in your guest room would be nice." I finally opened my mouth and told them that they couldn't stay with us when the baby is born, that there are plenty of self-catering cottages and hotels in the city we live in. (plus the guest room is now the nursery...no room at the inn!)

I love them dearly but being honest was the only way to get them to understand the situation. They weren't offended but it had never occurred to them that it would be inconvenient and a little stifling should they stay with us so soon after the baby is born.

I could never have had this conversation with my ILs without a major guilt trip (I think it's different with your own parents) so it sounds like your DH needs to step up and tell them exactly how it is.

Oh, and congratulations with your twins!

YANBU. Im speechless.
After DC1 I was in hospital for 1 week. an elderly relative died at the same time and ILs had to clear her house. They's arrive at mine in late afternoon, bringing black bin bags full of, er, family heirlooms (MIL: "I've got loads of these and FIL's sister doesn't want them so you can have them"). They were "exhausted" and gagging for cups of tea. I was trying to get DC to bf, but they didn't seem to notice. I eventually realised they wouldn't leave until they'd had the cup of tea and the longer I left it the more crap I had to listen to about hoe exhausted they were clearing the house. Joy.