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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is it OK for a bloke to stay out all night?

100 replies

BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 15:47

We don't live together, but he stays most nights.

When he goes out with his friends he ALWAYS "falls asleep" and never makes it home. He claims he has alcohol induced narcolepsy.
It has bothered me, so I asked him not to stay at my house when he's going out with his mates, then I'm not waiting up all night for him to not come home.

This has caused arguements "You make out I do it EVERY time" ........"You do"..... "oh for fuck's sake, drop it will you, it was AGES ago, and [his Get Out Of Jail Free Card] WE DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER "

The week after he'd done it again, and was going out again, I told him "Don't say you're sleeping here when you're out drinking. You always forget where you're sleeping, I'm fed up of waiting up all night. Just go home" And what do you know, that one night was the ONE night he made it back, at 12:30am banging on my door because I'd locked it and left the key in. And he fell out with me for locking him out!

Twice I was waiting in for him to fetch us a take away up, he was only having two pints after work....once, I'd rung him at 7pm asking him to fetch a loaf of bread, he said he was having one more pint then he'd be up.....it was 2pm the next day when he showed up.

Twice, early in the relationship he even phoned me up at 1am ish drunk out of his skull and said "can I come to yours?"

I said "yea, I'll go down and unlock the door for you"

He said "ok I'll get a taxi up now"
and ....forgot.

Friday was poker at a friend's. We had the usual ME:"Are you going to remember where you're supposed to be sleeping?"......HIM:"YEEEEEES! God, tut, sigh" and he a text at 8pm saying he'd be getting a taxi at midnight with another guy. Turned up at 9am Saturday, and all Saturday he's moping round my house coz he's tired and hungover.
I got pissed off with him today and he said "Give it a rest". He hasn't even apologised. So I've chucked him out.

Whenever I'm out he's on the bloody phone to me CONSTANTLY. I NEVER phone or text him to chase him around when he's AWOL
Anyway, I just wanted to rant. Guy's an (stolen from another thread, thanks Nina1980) EPIC twat
AIBU?

OP posts:

electra · 25/09/2011 18:00

I think to dump him over just this issue would be rash, especially if you have kids together.

It's not unreasonable of you to expect him to do what he says he's going to do though.

electra · 25/09/2011 18:02

WhereYouLeftIt, oh no of course most are not like this, TG. I know of quite a few who are though. And of the ones I know I wouldn't say they are not into their wives. It's not acceptable though.

tallwivglasses · 25/09/2011 18:12

'He is a disrespectful parasite and it is time that you got yourself wormed.'

Utterly brilliant

StrandedBear · 25/09/2011 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MurunBuchstansangur · 25/09/2011 18:38

yep stranded mine has done that too last night

he goes out 'by agreement' and it was 9 months since the time before. It's my turn next Saturday.

I haven't been out 'dancing' for about 5 years. Might get messy

You wanna come OP? Daddy can babysit

MurunBuchstansangur · 25/09/2011 18:41

electra I wouldn't advise the OP to dump him over staying out. See above post.

I'd advise her to dump him because he is not committed to her, does not contribute to her household and is unwilling to live as a family. He belittles her polite requests and is selfish to the extreme.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 25/09/2011 18:51

He has become a habit, tell him its over work out a plan for him seeing his son then get on with your own life and change the locks, you deserve better than hanging around for the tiny good bits and putting up with all the totally being taken for granted, wipe the word 'doormat' from your forehead before he tattoos over it! good luck

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 25/09/2011 18:55

Leave the bastard.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 25/09/2011 18:59

It would be the opposite of "rash" to put a merciful end to a dead-end 6-year relationship with a tightarse cocklodger with a drink problem.

Just because the OP got pregnant by this gobshite 4 years ago doesn't mean she has to sacrifice herself on the altar of this poxy relationship.

They don't even live together FFS, so they aren't raising a child together.

Original poster

BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 19:02

I know he'll be difficult over contact with ds. I'm having to work later one day a week, so he had agreed to collect ds from nursery and take him to my house. I suppose that will now stop.
I'm also on a course for work soon, need to go away for 2 nights, he'd agreed to babysit but now of course won't, which drives me mad, as he is able to further his career and increase his income AND be a father when he feels like it, if he ever has to work away or his social life gets in the way of scheduled contact, he just cancels contact. I can't do that.

He WON'T have our son so I can go to work.

OP posts:

QuietTiger · 25/09/2011 19:03

He's an Epic twat. Get rid of him.

squeakytoy · 25/09/2011 19:04

I am sure a childminder/relative/friend could be found to cover that.

waterrat · 25/09/2011 19:13

well boasting -that just proves his epic twatness even more. So often women say 'I cant leave him, he will make life difficult for me.' and that seems such an obvious sign that they SHOULD leave him.

Whatever the reasons you have stuck it out so far - please stop. This man is wasting your life away on a series of pointless drama filled arguments and childish situations.

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 19:24

This man is a waste of your time. Get rid.

ShoutyHamster · 25/09/2011 19:24

No need to say that you're doing the right thing.

Re. contact: well, you can't control it, if he's going to be a wanker he's going to be a wanker. I would just completely buffer yourself against this - make sure you don't need to rely on him in this way, ever. Sort out childminding - I assume that's possible/affordable as you say you work and he won't have your son during that time - guess you must have childcare already.

Once all that's sorted and the dust is settled, take a new approach to contact. Remind him, every time he cancels, every time he tries to use your son as a weapon, the only person he is hurting is himself, and as he gets bigger, his son. You don't need a kitten's fart from him. Contact is for the benefit of him and his son. So, if he really loves him and wants to be a good father, he'll stick to contact times and be reasonable. So he'll drop the nursery pickup for your late night? 'Fine - I have a childminder. Your loss - as DS gets older I reckon it would be nice to have some stories to tell him of how his father helped support and bring him up when he was little - but (sigh) - I guess he's going to work out what kind of a manchild you are eventually, isn't he?'

Don't rise to any hassle he tries to give you. Don't give him a thought. Facilitate contact, but don't get caught up in trying to make it happen when he's stalling it to wind you up (I know - you'll want to do the best thing for your DS, but if he's going to use him in this way, it's best you leave him to it even if contact stops). If he starts messing you around, just comment that you hope he knows what he's playing at, because when your DS is bigger, he'll be voting with his feet. Act, and feel, as if YOU and YOUR DS are the people at the core, and he's the one shooting himself in the foot by swanning off. He is. He's making both of you not need him and not want him. More fool him. And get the CSA on him!

ShoutyHamster · 25/09/2011 19:25

Doing the right thing by getting rid, I meant! Hah. I assume from your last few posts that that's what you ARE going to do, you see...

ChippingIn · 25/09/2011 19:31

Blimey - if nothing any of us have said on your other threads have made you tell this controlling cocklodger to fuck right off then I wonder what will?

He can be a 'good Dad' without sleeping in your bed and controlling your life in any way - get rid of the tosser!!

Original poster

BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 20:45

I don't need to tell him to get gone, he's gone. Flounced off earlier when I suggested I deserve better than him, and could damn well get it too.

He's been in touch twice re: getting his stuff back from my house.

This is the broken record I live.

It's not about telling him to get to fuck, it's keeping him to fuck away from me. Thanks to you all, I have that resolve and will store your kind and wise words for future reference, there have been so many fantastic, practical messages on here, I'm so grateful...some of them have made me think "Do you know us in RL!?"

He's making both of you not need him and not want him

Absolutely. I don't. :o

Amen to that! :o

OP posts:

TheFlyingOnion · 25/09/2011 20:47

wow you sound so strong Boasting!

Good for you!!

Today begins the rest of your life...

AnyFucker · 25/09/2011 20:52

Boasting, stick with this now

make this the last time you have MUG tatto'ed on your forehead

this man is a user, make no mistake

if he is such a fantastic father, let him do it without you trying to pretend he is your partner too

he isn't your partner, he is a cocklodger

and if he is difficult re. seeing his son...then you have your answer don't you ? That he is no good father after all...

MollieO · 25/09/2011 21:41

The thing that I find utterly appalling is how funny you think it is that your 3 yr old tells his daddy to go home. It seems you have completely missed how your 'd'p plays you off against your 3 yr old. Dreadful scenario. There is nothing right about that and you need to act now to protect yourself and your ds. The longer you stay in this 'relationship' the older your ds will be and the more he (your ds) and yourself will consider this to be the norm. It is deeply unhealthy. The fact that you have put up with it for a number of years would make me question your self esteem.

LoveInAColdClimate · 25/09/2011 21:46

Well done, Boaster!

notmyproblem · 25/09/2011 21:55

Awesome post as usual ShoutyHamster

OP be strong now, change the locks, reread this thread a few more times, keep this idiot out of your life.

Well done to get rid. Now just make it stick.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 25/09/2011 22:15

Coming to this late, but do get rid of him.
I can beat everyone else, I've been married 24 years. DH has on occassion stayed out until 5 or 6, but he always comes home.
OP, you don't have a man, you have another child.
Be strong in your resolve to bin the twat.

dreamingbohemian · 26/09/2011 09:10

I think a lot of people could tell you the hardest bit is staying split up. Especially guys like this, they will know exactly what to say and do to get back in.

But the answer is in fact incredibly simple: when they want to come back, say NO.

You don't owe him any explanation or second chances or ANYTHING. You are a grown woman and it's your decision who to spend time with. So when he wants to come back, say NO.

If he wants to see his son, faciltiate that, but that's it. Have them meet somewhere else, do not let him back into your home.

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