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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it OK for a bloke to stay out all night?

100 replies

BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 15:47

We don't live together, but he stays most nights.

When he goes out with his friends he ALWAYS "falls asleep" and never makes it home. He claims he has alcohol induced narcolepsy.
It has bothered me, so I asked him not to stay at my house when he's going out with his mates, then I'm not waiting up all night for him to not come home.

This has caused arguements "You make out I do it EVERY time" ........"You do"..... "oh for fuck's sake, drop it will you, it was AGES ago, and [his Get Out Of Jail Free Card] WE DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER "

The week after he'd done it again, and was going out again, I told him "Don't say you're sleeping here when you're out drinking. You always forget where you're sleeping, I'm fed up of waiting up all night. Just go home" And what do you know, that one night was the ONE night he made it back, at 12:30am banging on my door because I'd locked it and left the key in. And he fell out with me for locking him out!

Twice I was waiting in for him to fetch us a take away up, he was only having two pints after work....once, I'd rung him at 7pm asking him to fetch a loaf of bread, he said he was having one more pint then he'd be up.....it was 2pm the next day when he showed up.

Twice, early in the relationship he even phoned me up at 1am ish drunk out of his skull and said "can I come to yours?"

I said "yea, I'll go down and unlock the door for you"

He said "ok I'll get a taxi up now"
and ....forgot.

Friday was poker at a friend's. We had the usual ME:"Are you going to remember where you're supposed to be sleeping?"......HIM:"YEEEEEES! God, tut, sigh" and he a text at 8pm saying he'd be getting a taxi at midnight with another guy. Turned up at 9am Saturday, and all Saturday he's moping round my house coz he's tired and hungover.
I got pissed off with him today and he said "Give it a rest". He hasn't even apologised. So I've chucked him out.

Whenever I'm out he's on the bloody phone to me CONSTANTLY. I NEVER phone or text him to chase him around when he's AWOL
Anyway, I just wanted to rant. Guy's an (stolen from another thread, thanks Nina1980) EPIC twat
AIBU?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 16:53

OP is NOT married - when she said "I want him to treat his wife with respect" she was talking about her hopes for her 3 year old DS.

squeakytoy · 25/09/2011 16:55

Ah, have read back and can see that now Blush

gallicgirl · 25/09/2011 17:00

I misread too and mistake was compounded by other comments. However, I think the sentiment still stands. I'm not married to my child's father but we have the same level of commitment and I wouldn't put up with this behaviour.

waterrat · 25/09/2011 17:00

blimey op. you deserve so much better - but why are you asking him that? If he thought you deserved better he wouldn't treat you like this. He is a parasite and a sexist idiot. He has no respect for you or your son - if he respected family life in any way he wouldn't treat you like this.

you sound as though you have low self esteem - or you wouldn't put up with this. Put an end to this relationship, which is borderline abusive in how horrible he is being - and find some counselling to buildup your own confidence again. BACP website will find you someone....did you grow up in a family where women were treated like this? I just wonder why you let him behave in this way.

Please do not spend any more time thinking that your son is a reason to stay in this relationship. Children do not benefit from an unhappy mother who is treated with no respect. What your son needs is to see you set boundaries that ensure you are treated with respect, kindness - and love!

Have you lost sight of what a loving relationship is? Have a think about some happy relationshpis you know - there are wonderful, good kind men out there - and as you sound really nice I'm sure one of them would like to treat you a lot better than this!

Stop playing your part in this drama - no more arguments with him, end the relationship, build your own life up and move on.

MurunBuchstansangur · 25/09/2011 17:03

One bowl... FFS!

more OP, there must be more....

Original poster
BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 17:07

We aren't married, and I work.

It's because of his wankery behaviour that he doesn't live with us. He's drama queen who likes his own way and throws toys out of the pram if he doesn't get it TO. THE. LETTER.

I told him the other day we'd live together if he'd stop being such a knob

eg me:"Next time you have a shower, will you empty the water out of the soap dish before you get out?"
HIM: "IT WASN'T EVEN LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT IN! WHY'S IT ALWAYS meeee!?"

And another day ME: "When you have a shower, will you turn on the extractor fan?"
HIM: "SIR, YESSIR!" With salute.

That's why we don't live together.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/09/2011 17:09

oh god, he sounds like a petulant child.. you really do not need this waste of space in your life any longer, and from the sounds of his behaviour, neither does your son!

gallicgirl · 25/09/2011 17:09

Ah I see. Totally understand why you don't live together.

You do deserve better though and he can still be a decent (hopefully) father to your DC without you being in a relationship to him.

Ifancyashandy · 25/09/2011 17:13

I read your OP thinking this was a relatively new relationship but 6 years?!?' Shock. To coin a phrase, what the ACTUAL fuck?

What everyone else said. Get rid.

MollieO · 25/09/2011 17:13

What's he like with his son? Does he take an equal part in childcare?

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 17:16

He has so no grown up.

Get shot. Now.

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 17:16

not, not no.

Original poster
BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 17:18

His one redeeming feature is the love he has for our son. He feels for him exactly as I do, we both adore him. He's a good Dad, esp when we are friendly. If we are on a break he can be awkward and use ds as a stick to beat me with. And when he's trying to win me back, he can ignore ds a bit and give me all his attention when he's visiting....so much so that Ds sometimes tells his daddy to go back to his own house :o

If I was being picky I'd say he's PUBLICLY a good dad and wants to be SEEN to be doing the right thing...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/09/2011 17:20

well if he adores his son, he will be a good dad to him whether you are together or not.

Get on with living your life without having a cock lodger in it!

squeakytoy · 25/09/2011 17:21

If I was being picky I'd say he's PUBLICLY a good dad and wants to be SEEN to be doing the right thing...

Doesnt look to me like he is behaving like a good dad. Good dads live with their kids and support their kids mother usually, if they are supposedly in a relationship with that woman. Good dads dont come home drunk hammering on a door in the middle of the night demanding to be let in. Good dads dont use their child as a stick to beat their partner (ex or current) with.

And good dads dont get told by their 3 year old child to go back to their own home :(

Sorry love, but I am not seeing any good partner or dad material in this bloke :(

StrandedBear · 25/09/2011 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

electra · 25/09/2011 17:38

A lot of men are like this, even some who are married. That doesn't make it ok of course! A friend of mine has a dh who has quite often said he's going out for a pint or two at 2pm and then doesn't come home til the next day.

I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to be anxiously waiting for the key to turn in the door - it's unsettling when you're trying to sleep.

Original poster
BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 17:39

Thank you, Ladies!
Everything you have said has been helpful and supportive, I'm so pleased I put it out to you all.

I'm going to copy and paste these responses so I can read them whenever I feel soft towards the no-mark.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 17:41

"He's a good Dad, esp when we are friendly. If we are on a break he can be awkward and use ds as a stick to beat me with. And when he's trying to win me back, he can ignore ds a bit and give me all his attention when he's visiting....so much so that Ds sometimes tells his daddy to go back to his own house"

Read that back to yourself OP. No, he is not a good dad. In no way, shape or form is he a good dad.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 17:46

electra, seriously it is NOT TRUE that a lot of men are like this. There are some. There are not a lot. But nobody complains about the ones that are not (because of course there's nothing to complain about), so we don't hear enough about the decent majority of men.

StopRainingPlease · 25/09/2011 17:46

On a break? Win you back? Confused Sounds like a teenage relationship, not one you should have with a child in the middle.

booyhoo · 25/09/2011 17:48

he is a 'good dad' when it suits his purpose to be one.

in reality that means he uses his son to manipulate how you feel about him. Sad

and how on earth you let yourself be 'won round' by any man who will ignore his child to win favour with a woman is beyond me!

Sad again

squeakytoy · 25/09/2011 17:49

In ten years of marriage, my husband has never stayed out all night after he has gone out for a pint on his own. Oh he has come home later than he said he would a few times, but even then it has been before midnight, and he has rung me regularly to let me know he was on his way Hmm..

Out of all my friends, none of their husbands or partners do this. I know a couple of blokes who do it, but it certainly isnt the norm.

SansaLannister · 25/09/2011 17:51

He's just not that into you. Move on.

msmiggins · 25/09/2011 17:54

"In ten years of marriage, my husband has never stayed out all night after he has gone out for a pint on his own. Oh he has come home later than he said he would a few times, but even then it has been before midnight, and he has rung me regularly to let me know he was on his way hmm..

Out of all my friends, none of their husbands or partners do this. I know a couple of blokes who do it, but it certainly isnt the norm."

Totally agree squeakytoy.
In fact in 15 years my OH has never gone for more than a couple of pints after work and been home by 9pm.

If boastingbythealth likes to be treated this way then that's for her to decide.
It's her poor son who I feel sorry for.