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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is it OK for a bloke to stay out all night?

100 replies

BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 15:47

We don't live together, but he stays most nights.

When he goes out with his friends he ALWAYS "falls asleep" and never makes it home. He claims he has alcohol induced narcolepsy.
It has bothered me, so I asked him not to stay at my house when he's going out with his mates, then I'm not waiting up all night for him to not come home.

This has caused arguements "You make out I do it EVERY time" ........"You do"..... "oh for fuck's sake, drop it will you, it was AGES ago, and [his Get Out Of Jail Free Card] WE DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER "

The week after he'd done it again, and was going out again, I told him "Don't say you're sleeping here when you're out drinking. You always forget where you're sleeping, I'm fed up of waiting up all night. Just go home" And what do you know, that one night was the ONE night he made it back, at 12:30am banging on my door because I'd locked it and left the key in. And he fell out with me for locking him out!

Twice I was waiting in for him to fetch us a take away up, he was only having two pints after work....once, I'd rung him at 7pm asking him to fetch a loaf of bread, he said he was having one more pint then he'd be up.....it was 2pm the next day when he showed up.

Twice, early in the relationship he even phoned me up at 1am ish drunk out of his skull and said "can I come to yours?"

I said "yea, I'll go down and unlock the door for you"

He said "ok I'll get a taxi up now"
and ....forgot.

Friday was poker at a friend's. We had the usual ME:"Are you going to remember where you're supposed to be sleeping?"......HIM:"YEEEEEES! God, tut, sigh" and he a text at 8pm saying he'd be getting a taxi at midnight with another guy. Turned up at 9am Saturday, and all Saturday he's moping round my house coz he's tired and hungover.
I got pissed off with him today and he said "Give it a rest". He hasn't even apologised. So I've chucked him out.

Whenever I'm out he's on the bloody phone to me CONSTANTLY. I NEVER phone or text him to chase him around when he's AWOL
Anyway, I just wanted to rant. Guy's an (stolen from another thread, thanks Nina1980) EPIC twat
AIBU?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/09/2011 16:26

Come on, what sort of message is this relationship giving your son? That is is ok to come and go whenever you feel like it, and use the mother of your child as a doormat?

Original poster
BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 16:26

I know, I've thrown good years after bad. He is a complete piss taker and has everything his own way.
Family and singledom, whichever he fancies.
And NO commitment whatsoever

OP posts:
Original poster
BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 16:28

No, I really DON'T want my boy growing up with those messages, I want him to treat his wife with respect, shower her with affection and tell the world she's his and he is hers.
Yet it's for him that I suffer the cocklodger.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 16:29

You have his child but still don't want to live together. This relationship is going nowhere.

RandomMess · 25/09/2011 16:29

I am just Shock that you've put up with it!!!

squeakytoy · 25/09/2011 16:30

Are you married????

Casmama · 25/09/2011 16:31

i think you need to think seriously about the relationship that your son could have with his father if you were apart. If he doesn't live with you then the main difference surely would be that he would spend time separately with each of you. Do you want to be six years further down the line with the same issues with your partner? What about when your ds grows up and leaves home and you have wasted the best years of your life on some twat who doesn't even appreciate you?

LoveInAColdClimate · 25/09/2011 16:31

He is an absolutely epic twat. Change the locks.

dreamingbohemian · 25/09/2011 16:32

ah, that was quite a dramatic reveal, but I still think you should dump him

You need to focus on your son, he's all that matters.

He will grow up having no respect for you or for women generally if this is what he grows up with.

MurunBuchstansangur · 25/09/2011 16:32

How does your son benefit from you having this kind of relationship with his dad?

MollieO · 25/09/2011 16:34

You're married? Oh dear. He doesn't sound as if he thinks he is married.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 16:34

Fuck's sake woman, I didn't even have to get past the first line to know what the problem was! "We don't live together, but he stays most nights." So, because you don't 'live together' he contributes NOTHING to running costs, but uses up your food, your electricity and your hot water. And then you go and confirm it in your later posts!

Tell me, where does he claim to live? Alone? with friends? With his parents? Since he has somewhere else to go, send him there and don't have him back!! He is a disrespectful parasite and it is time that you got yourself wormed.

I hope he doesn't have a key, otherwise I'd send the bill for changing the locks to him.

GET RID.

dreamingbohemian · 25/09/2011 16:34

Your son will not thank you later for staying with this twat, believe me.

He will love and respect you if you protect him from this dysfunctional behaviour though.

CurrySpice · 25/09/2011 16:34

YANBU. He sounds like a right charmer Hmm

What precisely are you getting out of this "relationship"?

Original poster
BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 16:35

Ooh, and get this! On Saturday he made him and ds lunch, and I had what was leftover (2 Linda McCartney sausages) and he only washed HIS plate and HIS bowl from breakfast. Not even Ds's!!!

OP posts:
MollieO · 25/09/2011 16:36

That sounds worse than some of the people I shared with as a student. I guess he must have some redeeming features if you've had a child with him?

booyhoo · 25/09/2011 16:36

your son's father doesnt live with him anyway so ending the 'relationship' will not change that. your son deserves to have good role models, you are partly responsible for surrounding him withthose role models. i think you are afraid of breaking a habit that is just to comfortable.

Original poster
BoastingByStealth · 25/09/2011 16:38

Whereyouleftit"

Thankyou!! That's EXACTLY what I need, a good shake and a swift kick up the jacksie!

:o

I shall keep reading these messages of Shock and support and have done with the (another new word in my vocabulary thanks to MN) wankstain

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 16:40

So you have a son together - you know what, that makes dumping his useless arse even more imperative, because he's not just screwing your life up he's screwing your son's up too. At three he will forget mummy being treated like a doormat and daddy giving him a personalised rendition of how to be a cocklodger. Four, five, six - much more damage to your son's idea of normal life to repair.

And let me guess - he doesn't pay maintenance?

Seriously, get a grip OP. Just because you've been foolish this long doesn't mean you have to carry on. Sorry to be so harsh, but you know you need to do this.

CurrySpice · 25/09/2011 16:41

I think you are answering your own question here OP

FWIW I don't live with my long-term DP either but we do spend 5 nights out of 7 together when he's home (he works abroad) wither at my place or his. It works brilliantly for us as we both have our own space when required and it also suits ourrespective kids.

But when he is at mine he cooks, clears up, does jobs for me, and generally doesn't act like a passenger

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 16:41

Ooh, my last was a cross-post with the OP, BTW Blush

dreamingbohemian · 25/09/2011 16:45

The key thing is to get done and stay done

No more on and off.... switch to OFF permanently

I know how easy it is to weaken and let them back.... but you have to stay strong for your son.

Anytime you feel yourself giving in, remember things like washing that one bowl. Honestly, what a twat.

Good luck!!! You can do it! Smile

WilsonFrickett · 25/09/2011 16:46

When did you open your hotel OP? It sounds nice! Maybe I could come and stay the next time I'm in the area, could you do me a nice dinner too? Sooooo community-spirited of you to open a hotel where people get to stay for free, what a lovely idea, although I'm not sure if it will catch on. Still, better take advantage while I can, eh?

Cocklodger. Change the locks.

gallicgirl · 25/09/2011 16:47

I'm confused by the idea that you are married and have a child but he lives elsewhere? Why would you want to do that other than to claim benefits?

I'm not having a go - just genuinely trying to work out why anyone would think that set-up was a good idea.

Tryharder · 25/09/2011 16:52

I agree with gallicgirl. I know one or two women who won't let their DPs (their DCs father) move in with them because they would lose their entitlement to single parent benefits.

OP hasn't said anything about her financial circs t hough but I agree wholeheartedly with the general consensus that the DP is a waste of space.