to want to be a SAHM because my mother wasn't?

[Animol]

just been reading all the here and there banter about SAHMs and WOHM and missed reading experiences of people's own childhoods.
Try to cut it short: My mother went back to work when I was 10 or 11 and I know I haven't got nearly the same sort of relationship with her as my elder siblings do. During my teenage years she was so caught up in her job and the stress of it that she wasn't really there for me at all. It's made me determined to do it differently for my kids even though I don't find it easy to be a SAHM - I love being a Mum but the housework bit drives me bonkers :)
What did your Mums do? Are you doing the same?

Op. What is your relationship with your dad like?

My mum was a sahm until I was about 10 when she went to university after which she got a job. I think her life became better at that point as she had her own financial freedom and my life became. Better as a result.

I just went back to work after maternity leave and I feel great so far.

Put that in your article\programme.

Also if being a SAHM 'drives you bonkers' then are you sure it's the right choice? You can't make this decision based soley on your childhood experiences. You are not your mother, you don't have the same career (presumably) and your children are their own little people.

I agree robot that something is amiss if an adult is looking back and blaming their mum for returning to work- especially at age 11!! Good grief. Maybe that poster had a poor relationship with their mum anyway. Maybe her upbringing up to age 11 had left her with a strange sense of entitlement that her mum 'belonged' to her and had no right to her own life. Or maybe it left her feeling insecure and unable to manage without her mum. But clearly there is more to this than meets the eye. A well adjusted 11 year old at senior school should not as an adult be holding a life long grudge against her mother for daring to work.

I'm a SAHM, my kids are 3months and 3yrs. My mum was a SAHM, still is, looks after my DN around school hrs and holidays. I can't imagine being a SAHM until secondary though I'd like to be able to be there when they return home from school, when they're sick, holidays etc.

I'm currently studying towards counselling so hopefully its something I'll be able to do that on a part-time self-employed basis when the kids are older. I don't see why we can't all go after the seemingly elusive middle-ground, why does it have to be all or nothing, WOHM vs SAHM debates.

Excellent post makiko. Of course there are all sorts or levels and subtleties to each individuals situation. Which is why the op should make a decision (jointly with her dh who should have an equal say) on what they believe is a good thing at this particular moment. It should be for no other reason- and certainly not because her mother did things one way and she assumes if she does the opposite it will be the 'right' thing.

And lets face it, if the differences in outcomes were so obvious, with, for example, all children of SAHP being cleverer and more successful and all children of working parents being Miserable delinquents then- erm, don't you think we'd notice by now? There has been masses of research into the subject, and surprise surprise it conflicts and contradicts and concludes nothing definitive! And as a teacher, we have kids coming in at 11 who are the full range, from completely secure, confident, bright, through to very wobbly, anxious and lacking in basic skills. And guess what- there is no simple correlation with whether they had a parent home all the time.

So do' what suits your family but don't imagine it will make your children any better!

I agree with TOWIESalford why does it have to be one or the other? my DC's are 2 and 4 an i too am retraining in a similar field to a counsellor with the idea of finding self employed work afterwards that suits my lifestyle.

Quite a few mums that i know are also retraining to work with the aim of working for themselves for this very reason. Being a SAHM drives me bonkers but what keeps me going is the thought that i will have options once i am qualified and being able drive my own career options forward after. I used to work in the city and for me this is not an option as DH also works there so this is our solution to balancing the homelife and fulfilling my own ambitions. Most women i know have become very enterprising at setting up their own companies to get the flexibility that they want on their own terms. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I dont get why you would want to be a SAHM once your children are at school, let alone teens. People can parent and work, its not rocket science.

I personally wouldnt want my child to grow up believing dad has to work to allow mum not too. I want my DS to believe his wife can do both and that he's not a money making machine as two healthy adults should contribute to finances together.

Its pretty selfish to blame your mum for working when you were a teen, given the amount of time you would have been at school, then socialising then why would you expect her home not doing anything?

I guess we always want to do the opposite to our parents.

My mum was a housewife and bored and miserable with it. She wanted to go back to work when I was at school but in the intervening years computers had been introduced into offices and she lost all her confidence. My mum's very bright and I feel like she just withered sat at home. It pained me to see it.

It's the reason I have always been determined to be a working mum.

Everyone should do what is right for them and their family, but should have the sensitivity to realise that what is right for them isn't necessarily the way forward for someone else, and to make crappy judgements about others (and this applies to SAHM, WOHM, bf/ff, etc.) just looks like defensiveness and jealousy.

I am a SAHM at the moment. When my youngest is at secondary school, I will try to find something to fit in with those hours, but I will still be at home for my dc when they come home, so they know I'm there for them, and yes, this decision comes from the fact that my parents (not just my mum - I have two parents afterall) both worked long unsociable hours, so until I was 9, we had nannies to do everything, and after that age pretty much fended for ourselves.
I was bullied at school and couldn't talk to my parents about it because they just weren't there, and when they were, they wanted down time from working long hours, the last thing they wanted was to hear the mundane details of my shitty day, week, term or year at school.
I want to be different for my dc, and part of this is being at home for them - don't get me wrong, I'm not a slave to them, I have my own life, but how I feel about my childhood has made me make the choices I am making now.
My dc will probably all resent me and decide to work full time, but such is life. Most people get to a certain age and question their parents choices, it's only natural, as you compare them with the choices you make for yourself.
I don't think I'm any less a role model for my dc by being at home for them. Dh works full time, we have found the balance that suits us, and hopefully together we are doing the best for our children and our lives.

My mum was a SAHM till youngest of us was about 10 then worked p/t then f/t when we were teenagers. She worked different shifts including nights-same as our Dad. We liked having the house to ourselves as we could get up to allsorts but there were times we needed someone and she wasn't there. We didn't resent it as needed the money. She said she regrets working so much when we were teens.

I set out being a WM, never thought of SAH, it just wasn't the done thing for my generation! BUT after being a f/t WM it just wasn't what I wanted for DD or me. I didn't like using childcare that she hated (and it was the best nursery by a mile) and hated missing out and feeling less close to her. I became a SAHM after DD2 and didn't look back. There was some initial adjustment and i had to grow a thick skin! However I know I am doing what is right for us. My gut instincts tell me whereas I always had a bad feeling when I was working.

'two healthy adults should contribute to finances together.'
Why is it all about finances? Why not one care and one do paid work? Why both do one thing and involve a 3rd party when you can do it all yourself even if that is different things! Bizarre!

I think yabu to want to be a SAHM because your mother wasn't one.

I think if you want to be a SAHM, you should be one because you want to be, not as a reaction to what someone else does or did.

Whatever, enjoy your life whether it is as a SAHM or a WOHM. And ignore everyone who has their own axe to grind.

Why bizarre jellybeans?

You could say its equally bizarre that a woman and man meet, say, at university, get coupled up, go on to have enjoyable and interesting equal careers, establish a home together, decide to have children together because they both love children and want to experience parenthood- and promptly take on separate provider and carer roles!

It seems entirely normal for many couples these days to want to share the roles. As for 'involving a third party' - well, children aren't born into a vacuum- they are interacting with adults other than their parents from the day they are born, to a greater or lesser degree. Its entirely normal!

You are not your mother.

Your children are not you.

You should not make decisions based on how your parents did things, you should look at your own situation and try to make the decision that is best for your family.

"Because that's how my mum did it" is not a good reason to do anything.
"Because my mum did it that way and I didn't like it" is also not a good reason.

Ps jellybeans I also think that if your child doesn't settle in their childcare (and btw I think 'best nursery for miles is a pointless description - it isn't about ofsted ratings- its about where your own child will flourish) - but anyway, if your child doesn't settle, then of course its likely you will feel better not working. You are making your decision from the basis of having tried something which didn't work out for your family. Thats entirely different from having a fixed view about what is 'right' or 'wrong' as the op seems to suggest

My mum was the higher wage earner when I was growing up, she was back to work very much full time by the time my sister and I were at school (relatively unusual then). My sister has done the opposite - SAHM, in fact she has never had a full time job. Her DH doesn't earn that highly, they rely on both of their parents a fair bit. I was a full time WOHM as have been a single parent since DD was 1, now DD is at school and my childcare bill has fallen, I have cut my hours back. Unfortunately it's very divisive between my sister and I - which is a real shame.

The trouble is, we all want what we didn't have.

My mum was a SAHM and never had a job when I was a child. I got a bit sick of her always being around when I was a teen tbh. I also can't imagine her ever having a job or doing anything away from the home. Because of this, I'm determined to be a working mother. I want something away from them.

I meant bizarre that there is only one way of doing things (as per the vocal anti-SAHM posters). I see it as abit silly that people would want me to change our families way-which works well-and involve other people just so we are 'both doing the same thing', why can't two different things be equally valuable?

I agree best nursery depends what you are looking for. It wasn't the review that made me think that. It was the fact they were such lovely people, mature ladies, well run, mostly accepted only toddler age up etc. It just had a good vibe that others didn't. I looked around loads and was highly disappointed with most.

Jellybeans I don't imagine anyone on MN cares what you and your family do'! I don't mean that in a nasty way, purely that it's live and let live. Your child hated the best childcare option available to you- so in a sense your hand was forced; you would have needed to rethink things, whether you'd loved your work or not. It sounds as though you were ok with stopping working anyway, so fortunately its worked out well for you. I think the people who are in a truly difficult position are those without choice. If for example you had really not wanted to have to give up your work life, and were finding it isolating now, you would be writing from a different perspective

YABU if that's your main reason for being at home.

' I think the people who are in a truly difficult position are those without choice.'

I agree with that too. It was actually a very hard choice for me, at first, to SAH but was a blessing long term as i realised i loved it. For others it may have been a nightmare. 'Jellybeans I don't imagine anyone on MN cares what you and your family do'

I know and no offense taken but was trying to make the point that some on here do think all SAHM should get a job or 'both be financially contributing'. I was trying to point out that in some cases, such as mine, there would be little point.

What about your dad, OP?

I've seen no mention of whether he worked or not, or stayed at home (or considered it) at any point.

Do you judge your father's actions in the WAHP vs. SAHP in the same manner as you do to your mother?