to want to be a SAHM because my mother wasn't?

[Animol]

just been reading all the here and there banter about SAHMs and WOHM and missed reading experiences of people's own childhoods.
Try to cut it short: My mother went back to work when I was 10 or 11 and I know I haven't got nearly the same sort of relationship with her as my elder siblings do. During my teenage years she was so caught up in her job and the stress of it that she wasn't really there for me at all. It's made me determined to do it differently for my kids even though I don't find it easy to be a SAHM - I love being a Mum but the housework bit drives me bonkers :)
What did your Mums do? Are you doing the same?

hell* was missing there

YABU

It's not whether you work or not, as others say. It's whether you have the choice, what you want, and whether you're there for your DC (and DP) when you need to be.

FWIW my mum gave up work when I was 14 and for years I thought she was crazy. In the end, I realised it was none of my F-ing business and got over it.

YANBU

DP is a SAHD. I said when I was pregnant that I wanted one of us to be at home with DS. I remember when I was a child having to ask my mum where I was going to go after school and where I would be sleeping that night (she worked shifts and was a single parent).

I swore then that my child would always sleep in their own bed every night, and that they'd come home from school to the same house every day.

I think this aspect of the SAHM chat is pretty interesting because it shows how for some its not just an economic argument. But yeah, ultimately, everyone, just do what YOU want. Its clear though again, a happy mum (carer) is far better for the child whether she works or not.

tis fascinating no?

my mum worked ft.i work ft
she was a hard working good role model,always encouraged me

For me personally YANBU and that's partly why I love being an (almost) FT SAHM but my childhood was extreme so I know it's different circumstances, needs and wants for every family.

I can count using two fingers the amount of times my mum took us out for an afternoon during my entire childhood. Not one sports day was attended, in the summer she worked seven days a week, throughout the year she had ONE weeks holiday. Now I know a lot of people would say "Jeez she must have been exhausted/desperate" but she had free childcare and chose to do that amount of hours. We do not have much of a relationship now.

My mum going back to work was a big battle in my parents marriage - probably the begining of the end, in fact, although they did not split up until years later. One of many reasons why I would always work - my mum had to fight to be able to, because of her generation I was able to marry a man who just assumed I would.

my mum had no choice but to work (five kids) twat of a father, I have more respect for her (even though she is not here) than him. I followed suit and was a working mum all my kids life and they were happier at the childminders with me bringing in a good wage than me staying at home miserable and nothing to give them

My good friend is the same - her mother worked all the time, she hated it and has sworn to stay home for her kids.

so: our generation is now thinking, cos we had such a bad upbringing that we are now "not going to work and stay at home for our kids" what a load of rubbish.... I worked from the day I was 16 up until last year (when I started looking after alz dad). I am 47 by the way. Although childminders literally brought my kids up I am happy to say I am proud to have paid into the system that I am now taking back from (to rightly of course)

My mother worked very hard when I was in my teens, but it didn't lead to poor quality time together, we watched TV together in the evenings, chatted endlessly and went shopping together on the weekends. I think it depends how much stress the job brings into the house and how much of a bond you have in the first place.

this is anecdotal though.for every child scarred by absent mum now they sahm...then theres the ambitionless sahm who drove dd to work

if you can afford to be a sahm then fecking good luck to you all. If you live in the real world where your mum works her fecking backside of to bring you up decent human beings then I have more respect for the working mums, wether they are part time , full time or whatever.. I personally am so fecking bored of the "omg if i work little billy will be scarred for life rubbish", in fact "little billy" will grow up a better person. Made a mistake with my first born but second born is a diamond and guess what " both were brought up by childminders"......... get over the every child is scarred by the absent mum shit live in the real world for gods sake

no,its not sahm who can afford to be housewife,its her waged partner.their wage is the determinant in the housewife or not sceanario. basically can you adequately manage unwaged and dependent upon partner

yabawuss! Most mothers work once their kids are 10 or 11. That is old and children should be gaining a bit of self-sufficiency and getting over their separation anxiety by then. Having parents home 24/7 is way ott though obviously it is important to spend lots of time together. What about your dad, btw? Was he around and at work? If so, why aren't you starting a thread about him not being a SAHD?

YABU.... If you have a bad relationship with your mother, chances are it would be exactly the same whether she'd stayed at home or gone to work. Most mothers do what they think is right at the time and I thnk it's very unfair when children in later life pin their own failings on those well-meant decisions. Presumably you enjoyed the extra bits and pieces your mother's income brought to the family?

My mother worked once we were both school age. She's an intelligent, hard-working person that found sitting at home extremely boring. So I appreciate the personal sacrifice she made being there in the early years & also appreciate that she worked to make a better life for our family.

Be a SAHM if you wish and if you can afford it. But do so for genuine reasons rather than because of some idea of being a better mother than yours was...

M mum was a sahm till I was 10 (I'm the eldest of three) and then went to uni. After taking a professional qualification she returned to work when inwas 14. Best thing she ever did, for all of us, and she was always there for us emotionally. I will be woth from six months and my dp will be a sahd as it's what we both want and what works best financially.

"no,its not sahm who can afford to be housewife,its her waged partner"

or her benefits, the inheritance she got from her parents, the massive redundancy payment she got that she invested wisely, etc, etc.

The idea that if do that totally normal adult activity called working, you are not going to be spending any time with your child, is utter tosh.

Children know who their parents are. They may have a great relationship with their childminder too, but the relationship with parents is most important and the primary influence. There is still plenty of time for playing, chatting and tramping through the woods looking for conkers whether you work or not.

In this day and age and economic climate it's more usual than at any time in' the last 100 years that both parents will work. Indeed, often families only have a SAHM because they are at one extreme of the spectrum- they and their dh either don't have much earning power and cannot afford childcare, or the dh has huge earning power (and probably the huge stress which goes with it) and therefore the woman can afford to work and probably feels her earning is a pittance in comparison so why bother. Tbh most people between the two ends of the spectrum just get on with the job! And as I said on another thread, i would rather my dh and I have pretty equally balanced jobs and equal reaponsibiliu and time with the kids than for me to be with them 24/7 but dh working all hours and hugely pressurised. That relationship with dad is as important as the one with mum. I want my children growing up feeling equally close to us both.

Finally- we all make decisions on what we feel is right at any particular time,but the problems start when people try to make it into more than that. Your children will not be any smarter/ cleverer etc if you stay at home or if you work. You will have done what 'you choose and believe a good decision but thats all. I would never claim that my children are brighter or happier etc because I work. If anyone asks me if I'm glad I made 'the decision to work, I'll always reply honestly that ye, because I enjoy the intellectual stimulation, the social aspects, the salary and pension. I would never say 'oh and of course thats the reason my kids are welladjusted' - because they would no doubt have been the same if I'd been at home!

Occasionally I detect a whiff of disappointment on MN that the children of working mums turn out just as rounded and secure and happy. That's sad. If you and your partner choose to have one parent working and one at home then fine, but don't imagine your children will grow up any smarter or happier than anyone elses because of it!
Finally although we all make decisions on what will be best for our family, I think it's vital not

My mum was a SAHM and I think that's why I work full time because she struggled enormously...but that's another story (mental health issues).
Do what you blooming want to do OP, just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.
It is possible to work FT and not be a stress muffin (? does that expression even exist??) and be bonded to your kids.

Whoops don't know where that last bit came from!

My mum was a single parent who has always worked since I was very young. But she had my gp's as free childcare and basically handed over all parental responsibilty to them. Like another poster mentioned I can never remember my mum coming to parents evenings,sports days,taking us on holiday-it was all my gp's.
When my gp's were no longer able to do it my mum used my sister and I as her free childcare for our other sister-13 year age gap. We got no thanks for this and had no choice in the matter-I was at uni full-time and my sister working full time. My mum massively ripped the piss. Yet she loves to play the martyr. We dont speak
This is one of the main reasons I am a sahm.

You resent your mum having gone back to work when you were eleven? Good grief. You were at secondary school by then and so you're talking, what, a couple less hours of an evening than if she'd been at home? I get that your relationship with your mum's not ideal but are you sure it was because of that?