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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my 10 YO DD wear make up to school?

96 replies

TryingToBeRealistic · 23/09/2011 18:06

I've namechanged because I'm not stupid, and there's a possibility I might be BU

I don't notice them, (and it obviously wouldn't make any difference to the way I feel about her if I did) but DD is really bothered by the darkish skin under her eyes.

I got some 'touch of light' concealer yesterday and DD asked to try it, it got rid of the dark under her eyes and you couldn't tell she had it on.

The bit of trouble at school she's had with a few other DC (which the school has dealt with very well, but it's not gone away) has left her with her confidence dented.

Despite this, she's a very grounded and far from being a shallow person, that she's not into so called celebrities/fame/money/looks might explain why she has clashed with some 'popular' girls at school.

She knows you don't judge books by their covers, but she's getting to an age where she's finding it hard to brush off any comments about her appearance.

We've talked about how she's not responsible for their remarks and it's a reflection on them, and 'they' pick up on anything/nothing, but that advice isn't much help when you're in the situation and feeling crap.

If it were her shoes causing her grief, I'd change them.

If she wanted her hair a different way, I'd have no problem with that.

As I said above, I'm not an idiot, and know it's about far more than just a concealer -

--I don't want her to start wearing make up and not feel able to stop.

--me saying yes is saying I think she's not OK as she is, and lumps me in with the girls at school.

--it ultimately won't change how other people are with her.

So given that I understand the reasons why it might not be a good idea, and that I'm trying to be realistic about what it feels like to be 10 YO and at school - trying to fit in but also trying to be confident about who you are - I'm kind of being swayed towards letting her put it on (if she wants to/remembers)?

AIBU?

OP posts:

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 23/09/2011 18:59

It could be a sign of something. It could also just be normal for her. A friend at primary school had them and still does. She's fine. She did have childhood asthma though.

DialMforMummy · 23/09/2011 19:13

I think the danger is in teaching a girl who has had 'her confidence dented' that make up is the solution. My thoughts exactly, I am sorry but YABU.

halcyondays · 23/09/2011 19:21

Yanbu, she's getting to an age where they can be self- conscious about their looks. If it isn't noticeable, I would tell her that most people won't notice them, but if she really wants to, I don't think a little concealed will do much harm. It's not as if she wants to go into school plastered in make up.

fatlazymummy · 23/09/2011 19:38

You're not unreasonable at all. It's no different to using concealer to hide spots or some kind of birthmark. I don't even think of concealer as make up anyway.

LoveInAColdClimate · 23/09/2011 19:43

I was all ready to come on and say of course YABU but I think in the circumstances what you suggest is fair enough (although agree with a trip to GP just to check iron levels etc).

at a dash of Touche Eclat being the start of a slippery slope to under age sex...

lurkinginthebackground · 23/09/2011 19:44

In general make-up on a 10 year old- no. However after reading your op I would be inclined to let her try the concealer.
Hopefully the dark circles will disappear and then she can stop wearing it.
Perhaps the circles are aggrevated by the negative comments? So hopefully by using the concealer it might help her self esteem, comments stop and dark circles clear up?
What an awful situation btw some children are horrible.

Dozer · 23/09/2011 20:02

YANBU. Have sympathy with this - dark circles myself, and started doing stuff like shaving legs / facial hair removal really young after similar trouble at school. But concerned that you say that, for you, make-up has become a kind of mask, since in effect that's also what it'd be for DD. It's sad that things are like that for girls / women.

btw I don't think touch eclat is all that great, and it's really highly scented. The Body Shop does a nice one, cheaper too.

ZombiePlan · 23/09/2011 20:02

YANBU.

I have to admit that I really don't get the concept of there being a "right" age to do things such as wear makeup and shave legs. How many of us wear makeup regularly? I'd guess quite a few, if not most of us. And why do we wear it? Because we feel we look better with it than without. IMVHO young girls have just as much right to be allowed to feel good about themselves. We don't go around feeling that we shouldn't wear makeup because we should be confident in ourselves without it. So why do we expect teens and preteens to do something that adults don't demand of themselves? Making young girls wait to eg shave/conceal doesn't make them "confident in their own body in its natural state", it just makes them resent the fact thay they don't feel as good about their appearance as they might wish.

LoveInAColdClimate · 23/09/2011 20:05

Yes, I actually prefer the No 7 rip-off Touche Eclat as I find the YSL one a funny texture and I also think it has an odd smell (yes, even when freshly opened - I'm not just using skanky old ones!).

Ismeyes · 23/09/2011 20:12

I have also always suffered with dark under eye circles. I think YANBU, I would let my DD because its not as if you are saying its ok to put make up on with a trowel to attract the opposite sex. She wouldn't be doing it to get boys or even to impress the girls that are being so awful to her, she would be doing it for herself. Doing it because it suits you is an excellent message to send regarding clothes and make up.

Alternatively you could let her go goth, which is what I did.

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2011 20:13

"I think the danger is in teaching a girl who has had 'her confidence dented' that make up is the solution. My thoughts exactly, I am sorry but YABU"
It isn't the solution, but it bloomin' well helps!

Original poster

TryingToBeRealistic · 23/09/2011 20:24

Thanks again, even to fabby, you little tinker

That's exactly it Zombie.

At what age is it acceptable for a girl to be allowed a legitimate interest and input into the way they look?

DD's not that fussed about clothes, what possessions she has, being seen to be cool etc. She's thoughtful and kind, loves reading and her dance classes, so I'm not worried she'll be influenced by the 'You're not very tanned are you?' brigade (and she has had that said to her ).

It's not possible for anyone to live up to the standard ideal in every part of your life.

Of course a 10 YO shouldn't feel the need to alter any part of their face in an attempt to stop other children being cruel to them, she should be strong and let it flow off her like water off a ducks back, she should laugh at them and their shallow lives, she should be comfortable with what she has and grateful for her good health and happy life.

And she does acknowledge all that.

But your peers know which buttons to press, they can reduce you to feeling like shit on their shoe with a word, any little thing I can do to help her through this compulsary part of her life, I have to do don't I?

(I reverted to my natural goth state when I was about 15 Ismeyes DD also seems to have tendencies along these lines - that's my girl )

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soverylucky · 23/09/2011 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoolallyMarjorie · 23/09/2011 20:34

You've hit on something else there, Trying - my 10yo dd is naturally very pale, and gets teased that she "looks like a ghost", and got upset that a dinner lady at school asked her if she was unwell as she was so pale.

She's asking about fake tan, and I keep telling her that pale is beautiful, and finding pictures of lovely pale celebrities... but I find it really hard to explain why I had a St Tropez before a wedding we went to this year....

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/09/2011 20:35

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

TryingToBeRealistic · 23/09/2011 20:49

As some posters have said shiney, saying in the title 'shall I let my 10 YO wear make up to school' is outrageous if you don't know the reasoning behind it.

Some of her classmates having short skirts/very short shorts (and I know their mums to be totally reasonable and sensible people) and heels does make you question at what age, in this in between child and adult stage, are these things OK?

Affirming the idea that DD needs to wear make up in order to be accepted by her peers, deserves some thought doesn't it?

OP posts:

madmomma · 23/09/2011 20:51

YANBU. Just a very caring Mum. I have terrible dark circles, which I've had since I was a baby, and I constantly get told I look tired and ill etc. The comments make you feel tired after a while. It's only concealer, and it'll make her feel more confident.

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/09/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

TryingToBeRealistic · 23/09/2011 21:12

It's very reassuring to hear you say that madmomma, after DD said to me it worried her I did notice that she had them in her baby photos, which makes me think it's more genetic than an iron deficiency or something.

Ahhh, I see what you mean shiney, I should just go with my initial reaction of saying she can.

Because I have no issue with wearing make up myself, I was really wondering whether my view had been distorted by that fact.

I just don't want to make it worse for her than it is already, and if she told anyone I'd allowed it, any adults who knew would probably look at me in the same way that I privately look at the mums who let their DDs wear indecently short skirts at 10

OP posts:

Original poster

TryingToBeRealistic · 23/09/2011 21:12

This namechanging business is a PITFA

OP posts:

LeQueen · 23/09/2011 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouWinOrYouDie · 23/09/2011 21:21

Bloody hell, LeQ, your Mum is seriously cool.

LeBOF · 23/09/2011 21:25

While that worked for a brace, I can't see it working for under-eye shadows. And I doubt anyone will notice the make-up anyway.

RumourOfAHurricane · 23/09/2011 21:37

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Message withdrawn

Original poster

TryingToBeRealistic · 23/09/2011 21:38

Oh fuck, I know exactly what you mean about letting them win LeQ, and that if it's not that it'll be something or somebody else.

But the girls won't know she's done anything to appease their shallowness, and you could see it as DD taking a bit of power for herself and changing her face because she wants to.

She goes up to secondary school next year, and even though the other mums I've talked to whose DC have just gone up said they're all doing fine, I do have panic attacks at how she'll fare I do worry about how she'll cope.

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