AIBU to be mad with rage that my good friend is pregnant when we've been trying for a whole year and I'm not?

[duckey]

says it all really. Obviously I have given congratulations and all that and am genuinely pleased for her... But WHY NOT ME?

Phew that feels better, have vented.

So am I?

YANBU.

You've only been trying for 1 year and I've been trying for 3.

IT'S NOT FAIR! I want to have been only trying for 1!

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

YANBU. It took us 4 years and a miscarriage and I never showed anyone their pregnancy upset me, but you'd have to be inhuman not to feel something. I do think I appreciate DS more for the wait, I never got sick of being pregnant and everytime I get up in the night to him I feel a rush of delight he's here.

wibblybibble, a small attempt at empathy probably wouldn't hurt.

Took us 18mths to fall pregnant with DD and 4 days for the twins ;)

I know how you feel, I remember feeling really upset when my good friend announced her pregnancy (we'd been trying for about 9 months by then), although I didn't show her (like you!). When she had her DD I almost didn't go to see them because I though it would be too hard but I did and it was fine. I think wiggles is right about holding a newborn because I fell pregnant very soon after (within days I think!) and my ds is 7 weeks old. It took us 15 months to fall. Hope you get your bfp soon, hugs (know that's not mumsnetty!).

I got pregnant with my third child and two weeks later my sis said she was pregnant too. Another week later she miscarried.
Just enjoy her pregnancy and learn from it in preparation for yours.
Best of luck x

It's not something you're entitled to have whenever you feel like it (and it's not always possible to avoid- lots of us here have had unplanned pregnancies which are every bit as stressful as ttc, so it's a bit tactless for the ttcers to be 'enraged' about that). Some people are more fertile than others

Wibbly I'm TTC and I think I'm entitled my feelings about other people's pregnancies, but like many people I don't take them out on the person who is pregnant for obvious reasons. Long term TTC is a bloody painful process and is associated with high rates of depression and anxiety, and it can wreck relationships. I can feel pain on my own behalf when a friend / colleague announces a pregnancy or has a baby, but at the same time celebrate with them. It's not either/or necessarily.

It sticks in my craw when people infer that people feel 'entitled' to have a pregnancy - for most TTC ladies I know that's utter bollocks. It's something we have given thought to, and are (in our various ways) striving for a child - not stamping our feet because someone ought to magic us an infant.

I don't think it's helpful pointing out that 'some people are more fertile than others'.

YANBU - most definitely!!

I felt terrible when I told my pal I had been a quick one for getting PG... as it was only then I found out she'd been trying for 4 years!! She already has one, but after a year they started trying again with no luck. She was extatic for me though. But it clearly smarted for her.

I told her that as she'd been through a horrible work tribunal, losing several thousand pounds fraudulently, her DH losing job while she was still out of work, then finally him getting a job but having to move abroad (phew) that she should try to leave all of her worries behind and concentrate on all the lovely things that were starting to go right for her at the minute and start trying again in 6months. I got the call a month later that she'd just POAS for her BFP.

I know that doesn't help you in your situation, but sometimes it helps to stop worrying, and sometimes that alone can help you get nice things again. Maybe even that BFP you're after.

You did the right thing by not making your friend feel bad.

Got all fingers and toes crossed for you that some baby dust lands on you soon!

Hi OP

I'm surrounded by expectant dads at work, and when I first found about the pregnancies it was difficult. One of the dads is a close colleague, and I am always the first to ask him how things are going. He's shown us all the scan pics, and he and his partner are really looking forward to their new addition. It has helped me immensely (and counter-intuitively) to take an interest, as I have moved from crying in the loos to genuinely being delighted for them, and I'm looking forward to a cuddle when baby is born.

Hmmm I've experienced years of infertilty, IVF and a subsequent unplanned pregnancy at a horrendous time.

Believe you me the unplanned pregnancy was a walk in the park compared to the ttc/ infertility rollercoaster so op yanbu.I was ready to throw the towel in after one year.Wibbly that's a cruel post.

Also op I was even told it was medically impossible for me to conceive naturally and it still happened so never give up hope.

Try to relax and have a break from it all.

Clearly you're not mad with rage at her, just the situation and unfairness of it all. Then I judge you to be perfectly reasonable. Well done for congratulating her when it must have come through gritted teeth xx

YABU! But that is said with empathy!

Fertility is as unfair as anything else on earth, like beauty and health and luck etc etc. It is not about fairness and the best attitude to have is that it's about luck and to work out how to not become too stressed about other people's good fortune. Trying to get pregnant can be an activity which stops some people getting pg ime, paradoxically!

Infertility is extremely stressful and painful but many of us are not 'infertile' we are sometimes 'sub fertile' for periods of time in our lives. The worst thing is assuming that fertility is deserved in some ways, it's very often just a question of luck and increasing your chances of having good luck as much as you can!

When my sister was a mw she delivered many babies that the mother had been told she could not have. It's a massive mystery. But the fact that women who experience infertility for years and then get pg soon after adopting - should show us that 'trying' can be unproductive.

I got pg with ds after over two years of trying. When we stopped trying and concentrated on each other and forgot about it, it happened. Amazing. Easier said then done I know but it seems to work for so many people. Too much stress is bad for fertility so whatever reduces stress is good.

When we were trying to get pregnant with DC1 a friend of mine got pregnant. I was so jealous although obviously never said anything to her. Eventually (after a long time) I got pregnant but in the meantime my friend had been told her unborn baby was severly disabled, would not live much beyond birth and so had to have a termination just after 20 weeks. I felt so awful that I had had bad feelings towards her even if I kept them to myself. I know it was not my fault but it still made me feel guilty especially when I gave birth to my DD and my friend had lost hers. Be happy for her and it will happen to you eventually.

So having come back to this thread after an afternoon out and now having read the "what's the nicest thing someone has ever said to you" thread, I wanted to say huge thank you to all of you a lovely ladies out there who have cheered me up and taken the time to write such positive comments after my moan above.

And do you think I've won the competition for the longest sentence yet?

Really mean it, thank you for all virtual hugs and thoughts. Keep fingers crossed for success soon :o

Really feel for you, but you have done the right thing!

My brother and SIL got pregnant within a month of being married, I had been having IVF treatment for 4 years. He phoned to tell me, but got my then husband first and he told him first!

I was very pleased for them, but I had been married for 4 years, and I wanted to be the first one to give my parents grandchildren! The feelings I had were raw and I was so emotional, but its not their fault!

Luckily, four months later our final round of IVF treatment worked, and I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter!

Stay strong, it will happen xx

I totally understand where you are coming from and with hind sight I would say try not to let it consume you so early on (1 year is still a short length of time in the scheme of things).

We've been ttc now for 6 years, 2 operations to remove fibroids, 1 miscarriage and I'm still not any closer. But what I have accepted is that it will happen when the time is right and not when I want it to happen.

I've also realised it is normal to be upset and deal with my disappointment at the time rather than bottling it up and then it coming out at the wrong time.

Chin up and good luck!

Wannabe...you tried to conceive DC2 for four years - its not the same, when you have a child already!

Wibblybibble how would you know that unplanned pregnancies are more stressful than struggling to conceive? Polar opposites I would have thought. Really think you should get off this thread with your self righteous twaddle, yep some people are more fertile, but its a damn sight easier to control than having fertility problems.

OP YANBU - you said all the right things to your friend and you have every right to feel as angry and emotional as you like - your feelings are your feelings you can't help that. You are a good friend who is trying to be positive, but will probably find it is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Yanbu- I cried with envy when my little sister told me she was expecting- obviously when I was away from her. I even did the stamping around saying 'I'm the oldest, I should be having the first gc!' thing...v becoming of me.
Me and dp have had to put off ttc for different reasons for nearly a year, mainly due to his having to change jobs, and everytime we do put it off, I can guarantee hearing someone else is pg at the same time! I just have a little cry that its not fair (we do seem to be unlucky compared to others), and then go out and spend a fortune on gifts to make up for my (well hiidden) sulking.

Like they say though, sometimes the best things come to those who wait.

Been there too. TTC was such a horrible time, despite it being pretty short in the grand scheme of things. My BFF (well, her and basically everyone I knew - or so it seemed!) got pg and I was a complete mess. Its sort of uncontrollable - I do know a couple of people who were just very happy, no negative feelings despite trying for a while - and that's great but not everyone is hard wired that way. It was hard feeling so sad about her pg for me - I was happy for her - but also felt I was such a bitch for feeling so jealous and cross. For me it did feel akin to stamping my feet and screaming "it's not fair" but having a baby is such an innate urge, its not like being pissed off about not getting a promotion or feeling 'entitled' - its a primal longing. Anyway....for me, I wrote a password protected diary where I could just rage away without anyone reading or judging me for it - just let iet out and it took some of the heat away. And whenever I felt bad/guilty I would knit a square of the baby blanket for my BFF's baby - felt good to turn negative energy into something positive. I found that when my BFF was closer to giving birth excitement over meeting her baby (and me being almost aunty) overtook my feelings of angst. (And I got pg when her baby was a newborn....which could go along with the theories of holding a newborn and fertility - or could be due to the Clomid!!)

Good Luck to you....be kind to yourself.

Op, you could use this as an opportunity to bolster yourself. If it does take a bit longer, then you'll be seeing pregnant women everywhere- so getting involved and interested in this one might toughen you up to dealing with others.
Me and dh were ttc for ten years- every single one of our friends and relatives managed to knock a couple out each during that time- trust me, i was a lot less outraged at the end of the ten years than at the start.
We never managed to conceive, but adopted our beautiful ds instead. Now everyone has 2 or more dc's, and we've definitely peaked with 1... when life gives you lemons... :)

YANBU to be upset, when I was ttc I felt like I saw pregnant women everywhere. I didn't actually have problems conceiving just staying pregnant. It got to the stage where I got irrationally angry with people who asked me why I hadn't had a baby yet.

Yabu - completely! How can you be mad with rage? However I do genuinely hope that you conceive soon - I can understand your sadness and frustration

YANBU I swore when an old school friend got pregnant when I'd been trying for about 12 months. Conceived after 18 and had to cancel a hospital appointment to see why it was taking so long. The nurse on the phone laughed and said "it was amazing what the threat of invasive tests could do".
Feel free to swear and feel pissed off TTC after about 9 months gets bloody stressfull.

Hmc - just let the op rant here instead of in real life at her friend.

yabu it is not her fault that you cannot get pregnant, i have a sister in law that has been trying for four years but she does not blame my sister for having two kids