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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be mad with rage that my good friend is pregnant when we've been trying for a whole year and I'm not?

77 replies

duckey · 23/09/2011 09:18

says it all really. Obviously I have given congratulations and all that and am genuinely pleased for her... But WHY NOT ME?

Phew that feels better, have vented.

So am I?

OP posts:
Aworryingtrend · 23/09/2011 10:01

My sympathies- we have been trying for a year this week and its my birthday tomorrow which makes it even worse, making me that bit older.

YANBU to be upset and inwardly raging. I walked out of a shop yesterday because there was a very heavily pregnant woman who just looked so beatiful and radiantly happy and I just couldn't handle it.

Best of luck with trying. Have you had many tests/investigations? PM me if you want.

ElizabethDarcy · 23/09/2011 10:02

VERY difficult and totally understandable... we have tried to have children for ten years and my 2 siblings have had 6 in the meanwhile.. whenever they tell me of the new one on the way I have a good cry... BUT of course I am so happy for them. Still hurts though.

I won't even start on the friends... many at their 3rd/4th child... we are left out of so many kiddy things, and out of their lives, as the majority of the things they do are kiddy related now. Sad but the way it is.

YADNBU!

Original poster
duckey · 23/09/2011 10:03

Thank you everyone, I have calmed down and feel much better now. It's hard when you get hopes up every month. Let's hope that it's my turn next.

Meanwhile I shall get very excited about her forthcoming baby and try to take my mind off me for a change.

OP posts:
TheFeministsWife · 23/09/2011 10:06

YANBU! I know how you feel. We tried for 3 years to get pregnant then I had a miscarriage. Then another year before I got pregnant again and had dd1. In that time DH's ex (who I'm loosely friends with) got pregnant no less than 5 times and had 4 abortions and 1 DS. I was so insanely jealous, angry and upset at that time. I never showed it to her though.

StonedRosie · 23/09/2011 10:07

Ahhh, Ducky, YANBU!

Over three years for me... Safe to say everyone in the whole world I know has had/is having a baby!

My cheeks are starting to ache with all the 'happiness'.

wannaBe · 23/09/2011 10:10

yabu.

You can't let this take over your life; letting it take over won't change anything, and a year is not that long in the scheme of things (and I speak as someone who ttc for four years for dc2 and never managed it).

WilsonFrickett · 23/09/2011 10:12

YANBU. Been there, done that OP. Hope it's your turn soon x

BakeliteBelle · 23/09/2011 10:20

YANBU No matter how many times people say YABU, you can't control these feelings. You can only hide them. For the sake of your friendship and your own dignity, you will have to hide the anger but there really isn't anything wrong with feeling that way. It's anger at the card life has dealt you and it is a real and raw stage.

Perhaps you can tell her it's difficult for you but it doesn't make you any less happy for her. Good luck!

lilbitneurotic · 23/09/2011 10:35

YADNBU - know the feeling so, so well!

My DH used to tell me every time he was calming me down after another friend was pregnant (sometimes for the second time) to remember that there are not a finite amount of pregnancies in the world - that there being pregnant did not affect our situation. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it didn't.

A cry behind closed doors keeps you sane sometimes I think.

Good luck!

Faffalina · 23/09/2011 10:38

wrigglesrock has a point. I have two sisters and each one of us has conceived soon after holding the newborn (except the first one of course).

Hope it happens for you soon OP.

pigletmania · 23/09/2011 10:42

Yanbu at all. I felt the same as you, took my 2.5 years trying for a dc 2 and now I'm 5.5 months pg. I felt so down other people falling pg with dc2s exceptfor me. With every pregnancy announcement was like a stab in the heart.

pigletmania · 23/09/2011 10:45

I typed a similar thread on here about a year ago and other mumsnetters regimented reading Zita Wests Guide to getting pregnant it's really good

dreamingbohemian · 23/09/2011 10:53

I've been on the other side of this, I fell pregnant quite quickly when several friends had been TTC for quite a while. I felt awful and I totally understood when a couple of them distanced themselves from me because they couldn't deal. So if she is a good friend, I think it can't hurt to share your feelings a bit. You shouldn't have to keep everything bottled up forever and a good friend will understand.

Good luck with tttc, hopefully you will be next!

kelly2000 · 23/09/2011 11:05

Of course you are not being unreasonable, it is human nature. If you were mean to her then you would be being unreasonable.

You sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself, why not just relax about ttc and just focus on having really good sex.

IreneHeron · 23/09/2011 11:06

YANBU, I've been there too and know that feeling. I'm now expecting DS2 in about a month's time. I hope it happens for you OP. I was talking to a lady yesterday who told me she was ttc for 12 years then got pg with her DS, and a few years later a surprise with a DD. I'm not saying this to make you think you will have to wait that long, just to say that it can happen when you've stopped expecting it.

addictediam · 23/09/2011 11:11

Yanbu, I could have written your post not long ago. It took me 3 years and 3 mc before i fell pg with dd, my sister fell in the first month of trying and had an uneventful easy pg. I was so upset and unreasonably angry at her, but didnt show it.
She then started trying for dc2 and was trying for 18mo when I accidently fell pregnant (and went on to mc) when my dd was 3mo Shock. She flew off the handle at me blaming me for everything and anything. hormones ay.

As long as you congratulated her and didnt show it its fine to be angry

dd is now 10mo and I am 20wks (double Shock) it will be ok, even if you try for another 12mo dont loose hope, (im trying not to use any annoying cleches that people said to me eg just relax and it will happen Hmm it actually happened at the most inconvenient time when I was most stressed!)

Don't let hcp fob you off and hope you find out the reasons why soon.

iwantbrie · 23/09/2011 11:16

Another one here who's been on the other side...
except my friend came to visit us in the hospital and told the whole ward that she was pissed off with me because they had been trying for a long time and hadn't conceived, but we hadn't even been trying! Wasn't sure where to put my face...
Vent on here not to your friend.
Oh, YANBU and good luck, hope it's your turn soon! x

gramercy · 23/09/2011 11:26

Totally understandable.

I was in such a state about not being able to have a dc2 that I still feel a sudden stab of misery when I see a pregnant woman/hear someone is pregnant - it's a real gut reaction. Some people can be very insensitive, but I suppose if they can conceive just by brushing past their dh whilst fully clothed, they can't imagine others' desperation.

boobellina · 23/09/2011 11:34

YANBU you are being lovely and hiding it all beautifully from your friend. When we were trying and trying and trying one of my best friends announced her pregnancy - I grimaced, ran from the room, got a taxi home sobbing uncontrollably and was found by DH hiding and sobbing in my wardrobe, he knew it was serious because I was sitting on my precious shoes!

It is sooo hard and you have my every sympathy, what I will say is that for the vast majority of people it is temporary you won't have to ensure this forever, you will get to announce your pregnancy and this will all become a distant memory to remind you how much you wanted all the sleepless nights, dirty nappies, tantrums, etc etc.

However, there are really unlucky sods like me for whom it isn't ever going to change and I am pleased to report I have got marginally better at dealing with it. It still hurts like hell, still normally reduces me to tears, only now I can wait until I've done all the congratulations and escaped to a safe place, but I haven't spent several hours squashed in any wardrobes since the first time!

It will be your turn soon and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that when you announce it you don't encounter any grimacing loons running from the room to destroy their prized shoe collection x

LittleWhiteWolf · 23/09/2011 11:44

Well, yes YAB somewhat U, but I totally get it.

I learned in one day at work that a colleague had found out that she was almost 8 months pg and that I was being moved to another department (although the latter has thankfully not happened). I cried and cried all the way home. Even at the time I knew I was being unreasonable, but I couldn't help but feel it was unfair: I'd been trying for DC2 and lost two babies during the time that my colleague had been smoking, drinking and falling pg without even knowing. Blush I shudder to think of that half hour car journey and how horrid I was.

I found out that night that I was pg for the 3rd time this year and so far so good.

featherbag · 23/09/2011 11:44

YANBU, obviously as long as you're sweetness and light to your friend! I was insanely jealous of a friend's pregnancy when I'd only been TTC for 2 months, so can understand to some extent. My advice? Go and book an outrageously expensive all inclusive holiday. You'll be pregnant within a fortnight. Well, it worked for me anyway!

Letz · 23/09/2011 11:51

YABU..1 year? It took me 4 years to get pregnant and I was desperate to have ababy. In that time many of my friends, cousins etc had children of their own, not once, never, did I feel raging, angry or jealous of them, I really don't unsersttand this impatient selfish attitude. I'll get flamed for not hugginzing you but really..1 year?

TeaMakesItBetter · 23/09/2011 11:59

God no YANBU especially since you were lovely to her face. I've been in your position, it's not so nice when everyone around you is falling pregnant easily and not taking your feelings into consideration. I fell pregnant easily but also had trouble holding onto them so when my friends' DH announced their second on FB (which was conceived VERY easily) I was pretty upset as it was also out of the blue. I also remember literally yelling out with pain when my DH gently told me someone else was pg just a few months after their wedding. You'll get there, I did. And then you'll understand both sides of the story as you'll want to yell your news from the rooftops, but you'll also know to go easily on anyone you know is trying.

Good luck and happy trying :o

WibblyBibble · 23/09/2011 12:05

YABU. Time people got over the whole idea that you are entitled to plan life down to the level of when they have children. Pregnancy happens to some people sometimes. It's not something you're entitled to have whenever you feel like it (and it's not always possible to avoid- lots of us here have had unplanned pregnancies which are every bit as stressful as ttc, so it's a bit tactless for the ttcers to be 'enraged' about that). Some people are more fertile than others. That's not something they choose, or that it's fair for anyone to be angry about, any more than it's fair to be angry that someone else has a career you'd like or a house you'd like. It's particularly vile when people bring class/income into it, too, and criticise people who are worse off than them in all other ways but are more fertile (I know you weren't doing that, but it happens a lot here). There are obviously things you can influence e.g. not leaving it until you are over 35 to get pregnant, keeping generally healthy, but beyond that tbh I think a bit more of a religious attitude ("god's will be done") would help most people be reasonable on this issue (and I'm agnostic!)

gramercy · 23/09/2011 12:48

I see your point, WibblyBibble, but what is galling is that the uber-fertile people are often the ones who bray that you can plan it all. I remember being stuck at one of dh's firm's dos with an obnoxious woman who kept harping on that her dcs were planned so that they were all born at 20 month intervals which research had pointed to being the optimum age gap. Another idiotic cow asked me why I had a five year gap between my dcs, and asked "Did you have one that died?" These people couldn't possibly fathom how others weren't able to produce to order.