WIBU to deliberately do something to annoy my husband?

[Oakmaiden]

Basically, I have been invited on a day out to ~Alton Towers with some friends from uni. I completely love rollercoasters, but never really get the chance to go places like this as my husband can't stand rollercoasters, and the children are too little really to appreciate it.

So, anyway. I asked my husband if he would mind if I went. The plan is to go on a week day, so how it would work is: I would drop the children at school, then drive with my friends to Alton towers. My husband finishes work at 2:30 so would pick the children up from school, take them to their swimming lesson and then home. He doesn't usually do school pickups and certainly resists getting involved in after school activities. However, what with the school run and the swimming he is unlikely to get home before half 5.

I asked if he minded if ?I went - he said "No" he doesn't mind - but he would be "annoyed" at having to do the child-runaround. Now, to be honest if my husband wanted to do something that annoyed me - and I told him it annoyed me - then I would hope that he would not do it, if you see what I mean. So would I be really selfish to say "Well, this IS going to annoy you, but I am doing it anyway?" I think it probably would be, but at the same time I do want to go....

As a bit of background - I don't often go off on my own and leave him with the children. In the past year the occasions I can think of include - I had a day out at a spa, which was my Christmas present from him, and I have had to go to parent type meetings at school a couple of times in the evening. I also went away for one night in January on a uni jolly study trip. To balance this - he does go away for weekends occasionally without the children (before we had children he went once a month, now it is more like 3 or 4 times a year). I also take the children away a lot, so he gets relax time at home sometimes (for example this summer he declined to take time off for holidays so I took the children on my own - we went to Devon for 4 days, London for 3 days and Tenby for a week).

So - would I be unreasonable to say "Sod it - I WANT to go, and it won't hurt you to have the children for an evening", or should I decide not to go on the basis that he has said it will annoy him?

Stay home and lie on the floor so he can continue to walk all over you you bloody raving loon

Please don't get me wrong here - I don't want to play the "I am so hard done by" card. I don't feel hard done by. Seriously - 3 school age children and studying at uni is NOT the epitome of hard work. I have just had 4 MONTHS off uni for the summer, and have had lovely times with my children.

Hard done by was when I started the degree - when I was doing it part time in the evenings, and working full time during the day and had a 2, 4 and 10 year old. That was hard work. This is easy.

Mind you, when I am back at uni again I might change my mind....

diddl Sorry - did that come across as abrupt? It wasn't meant to be.

Hully - am I a doormat? I don't think I am. It is true that I will generally go out of my way to avoid rows/upsetting people. I think that comes from a childhood with a parent whose anger terrified me.

However, we really are just talking about one aspect of my relationship with my husband. There are many good things. He does his share of the shopping and cooking - in fact more than his share of the shopping, as I find shopping makes me very anxious. He also shouldered the whole family for a significant period of time when I was very ill with depression. He makes up stories for the children at bedtime, and they make them into little books. And he is witty, and caring and completely honest and loyal.

He is just somewhat stubborn about the whole school run and after school activity thing.

cheeky question - how do you afford the lifestyle of just him working and you a student? I am struggling so much right now but nearly everyone I know in a couple, the woman either works part time only a few hours or not at all. Me and DP are full time.

hes borderline abusive

leave him, and call womens aid

OP, I don't know about you being a doormat, but I do rather think that you are being played.

You made it clear you wanted children. He told you he wanted you more than he wanted no children. So he set it up in your mind that he was making some sort of sacrifice for you. This ensures you voluntarily do all child-related things because he has MADE A SACRIFICE and you must match that level of sacrifice to prove you appreciate his sacrifice.

He gets all the benefits of being a father (and they are many even if many are small and fleeting), so he can pull his weight. Because I don't buy it as a sacrifice on his part.

You are not being unreasonable for wanting a day out at Alton Towers.

You are being unreasonable for thinking you need his permission.

Just out of interest, does he have to seek your permission before he does anything?

Yes curry I, personally, would not want to be with someone who was not whole-heartedly 50/50 on responsiblities for our DS. Our personal circumstances mean I do a lot more, but the responsiblity for school runs, activities and generally making his life happy is shared. The only time I would need to ask DH for clearance is if something would involve him taking time off his work, which is just common courtesy.

We're partners - 'getting annoyed' with the school run just isn't an option.

Wilson - she has said that as well as working FT, he does many other things arund the house and with the DC

This is one aspect. Yes, it's bloody annoying and I would be stonmping mad about it, but it's one thing and does not negate all the other things he does or make him an ogre imho

Let's face it, all the picking up , dropping off, different finish times here, another there, eat-your-tea-quick chasing your tail that we do around school runs and after-school activities is irritating

(for instance, I've just got in from the school run, and have to go out again in half an hour to pick DD1 up from netball. I did 2 separate school runs this morning because of clubs)

And it does get on my tits.

But I do it because it's part of the deal. And it's for the kids.

I wouldn't expect to moan about it much and I wouldn't expect the DC's dad to moan about it either, it's just life

GO fgs, how old are you both, this is very childish. you should both be free to have a life away from family at times you are BOTH parents. just GO but I would bet money that he doesn't bother taking them swimming. my DH ROFL at the thought of me 'asking' to go out anywhere!!

He can feel 'annoyed' all he blinkin well likes.... but he does not have that right. How very dare he be annoyed at looking after HIS own children..

OP you obviously need to do this a lot more so he can learn to deal with 'annoyed' ness

I am finding the attitudes that "you shouldn't have to ask permission" interesting.

I was originally going to post (in response to comments of that type) that I didn't ask permission, I just asked if he minded. But I suppose in a way you are right - that is asking permission. And I agree that as an adult I shouldn't have to ask another adult's permission to do something.

On the other hand - I was making a recreational plan for myself which would a) mean that my husband has to take up some of the tasks I normally do and b) involve a not-insignificant financial outlay. I think in these cases it is courteous to check that my husband doesn't mind and doesn't already have plans which will make it difficult.

Just as he checks it is OK with me before he arranges an infrequent night out with his work colleagues, or sets a date for his regular trips away with friends. The only difference being I wouldn't say "Yes you can go, but I will be annoyed about it because I can't be bothered to do your share of keeping the household running for the time you are away."

lifechanger you are right. I think that is the approach I will take.

I find changing nappies annoying, can I leave them all to DH? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Yes, of course it's courteous to ask your partner if they don't have something else planned for that day- but tbh asking whether he minds looking after his kids for a few hours when he hasn't planned anything else beforehand is

DP is always delighted when I go out with friends as I do it rarely and am a bit antisocial and so he thinks it's good for me to relax. He's always happy to look after dcs. As I am happy for him to go to the pub to watch a football match once in a while on a Saturday.

You seem very anxious not to upset him and it's a bit silly, as really, he should just wish you good time and just get on with it.

OMG OP!!
To me the issue wouldnt be Alton Towers, it would be that your dh is essentially living a single guy with the perks of family life.
I find it so sad he did not want to go on holiday with you, and doesnt want to do school run/watch them swimming.
I am a LP (not through choice) and go through waves of depression that my dc are going without normal "family life".
But so are your dc's!
At least my xh has proper quality time with them and genuinely WANTS to spend time with them. He just cant stand me, but thats another thread

Oakmaiden I'm one of the ones who said you shouldn't have to ask for permission, and I agree with you that it is courteous to check with your husband regarding plans and finances that affect him. I would do the same. But that isn't really about having permission so much as checking that it's do-able. Whereas his comment about being annoyed feels more manipulative and controlling, and sort of 'old-fashioned little wife needs husband's approval to go out alone' kind of thing.

How often do you get to relax at home while he takes the DC away?

He does sound like a bit of a knob.

pelvic - How often do you get to relax at home while he takes the DC away?

Not very often. But it does happen sometimes - just not very often.

Kladdkaka I agree with you about the response - which is why I brought it to the Mumsnet jury. Had he replied - "I am worried we can't afford it" or "I might have to work late that day" then I wouldn't have wondered if it was reasonable. But the "Yes, but no" answer did make me a bit and made me wonder if I should just listen to the "yes" bit because I felt the "no" was unreasonable. Or whether I was being selfish....

However, on the basis of responses on this thread I am thinking about driving down to Devon in a couple of weeks to spend the weekend with my Mum. Without the children. Or himself.

You know, the minute I made that last post I said to myself "Aw, I couldn't do that. The children love going to visit their Grandma - I'd have to take them with me".

I'm my own worst enemy

And that's why you have to go Alton Towers with your mates.

You sound too nice op. I have a friend like you. Her dp is lacking to say the least as a partner and father but the more anyone says anything about him the more she plays up his good side and defends him.
It is really not on to consider caring for your own children an annoyance. If he had something planned he would have to cancel then maybe that would be annoying but he doesn't. You're not asking him to babysit - they are his children.
And him trying to guilt trip you really isn't on at all. I think you need to have firm words with your dh about what you expect of him otherwise you do risk becoming a doormat.