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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to deliberately do something to annoy my husband?

103 replies

Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:16

Basically, I have been invited on a day out to ~Alton Towers with some friends from uni. I completely love rollercoasters, but never really get the chance to go places like this as my husband can't stand rollercoasters, and the children are too little really to appreciate it.

So, anyway. I asked my husband if he would mind if I went. The plan is to go on a week day, so how it would work is: I would drop the children at school, then drive with my friends to Alton towers. My husband finishes work at 2:30 so would pick the children up from school, take them to their swimming lesson and then home. He doesn't usually do school pickups and certainly resists getting involved in after school activities. However, what with the school run and the swimming he is unlikely to get home before half 5.

I asked if he minded if ?I went - he said "No" he doesn't mind - but he would be "annoyed" at having to do the child-runaround. Now, to be honest if my husband wanted to do something that annoyed me - and I told him it annoyed me - then I would hope that he would not do it, if you see what I mean. So would I be really selfish to say "Well, this IS going to annoy you, but I am doing it anyway?" I think it probably would be, but at the same time I do want to go....

As a bit of background - I don't often go off on my own and leave him with the children. In the past year the occasions I can think of include - I had a day out at a spa, which was my Christmas present from him, and I have had to go to parent type meetings at school a couple of times in the evening. I also went away for one night in January on a uni jolly study trip. To balance this - he does go away for weekends occasionally without the children (before we had children he went once a month, now it is more like 3 or 4 times a year). I also take the children away a lot, so he gets relax time at home sometimes (for example this summer he declined to take time off for holidays so I took the children on my own - we went to Devon for 4 days, London for 3 days and Tenby for a week).

So - would I be unreasonable to say "Sod it - I WANT to go, and it won't hurt you to have the children for an evening", or should I decide not to go on the basis that he has said it will annoy him?

OP posts:
piprabbit · 21/09/2011 13:35

But by being picky about the after school runaround, your DH is doing something which you are finding really annoying (mucking up your very reasonable plans).

Why should he be the only one to get his own way and not be annoyed?

I could understand his point if you booked the children on a course of lessons and then told him he had to take them to *all the sessions. But one session, as a one-off, when he can fit it into his schedule without having to make any adjustments...it really isn't unreasonable of you at all.

Could you offer him something in return? A day on his own in the house at the weekend to do what he likes, while you do full child entertaining?

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:36

pinkbraces - why does he have children?

I think because I wanted them. We discussed it before we got married, and I was clear that I wanted children and that I wouldn't marry someone who would not have children. He wanted to marry me more than he didn't want children. It is an issue that I didn't expect it to be when we discussed it - because he has always been clear that we had children because I wanted them and he was willing to go along with it.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/09/2011 13:36

Could you offer him something in return? A day on his own in the house at the weekend to do what he likes, while you do full child entertaining?

I've heard it all now Shock

squeezemebakingpowder · 21/09/2011 13:36

FGS it's one afternoon!

In his whole life of afternoons putting his feet up and chilling while you're running round the country taking HIS children to activities that are only beneficial to your children's future, surely he can spare ONE precious afternoon!

It isn't a reasonable argument to say you chose the school and activities. They're his children too, surely he wants the best for them too, or doesn't he care about them either?

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 21/09/2011 13:36

If he finishes work at 2:30 then why isn't he doing the school pick up whenever he has an early finish or at least some days if he finishes early every day?
I think Alton Towers is the least of your worries tbh and having a lazy a-hole husband who is completely disinterested in his children and happy to let you run around after everyone is the real issue.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/09/2011 13:37

Oak - your last post made him sound like a bigger knob than he did before! A real delight!

valiumredhead · 21/09/2011 13:37

Offer him something in return???? What the bloody fuck? Shock

fanjobanjowanjo · 21/09/2011 13:38
fuzzywuzzy · 21/09/2011 13:39

Oakmaiden, just go.

One day is not unreasonable and he should get over it.

He agreed to have children with you, it was a condition to being with you to which he freely entered. You did not hold a gun to his testicles, you both willingly had children.

They're as much his as yours.

He needs to get over himself and his get out of responsibility clause of 'I didn't want children..'

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:39

fuzzywuzzy he wasn't dead set against it - more left the decision up to me. They go to a school next to the uni I am at - so during term time it is really convenient for me. I am not back at uni for another 2 weeks though.

Anyway - I am honoured that MN thinks I am NBU, and am looking forward to my trip to Alton Towers. :)

OP posts:
SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 21/09/2011 13:39

So basically he is a reluctant father and because he didn't want kids you basically have to raise them as a single parent - he sounds lovely Hmm

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 21/09/2011 13:40

Basically Grin

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 13:40

Annoyed? at being asked to do stuff with HIS kids ONCE?

In addition to the ticket to Alton Towers, I'd be looking up getting a ticket to the Far Side of Fuck for him if I were you! Grin

Don't you DARE back down from this Oakmaiden, and what is more, if I were you I'd be looking into activities that you can do now and then that means he has to take his share of parental responsibility a little more seriously and a little more regularly.

I take it you are studying to improve your working potential? so when you go back to work and ARE pulling your weight Angry, will he acknowledge that YOU and HE are equal partners and have equal shares in ensuring the children have a full and active education?

At the moment love, you are the one raising the kids. I bet you are working more hours a day doing that than HE is working out of the home?

bringmesunshine2009 · 21/09/2011 13:40

If he isn't goingto divorce you over it, GOGOGOGOGOGOGO and drop him on it.

GandTiceandaslice · 21/09/2011 13:40

Go. Ignore his childishness.

HerHissyness · 21/09/2011 13:41

How deeply unattractive it is to see a man 'annoyed' to have his own DC for the afternoon, so his wife can go and have a blast once in a blue moon.

I am disgusted tbh.

loopylou6 · 21/09/2011 13:41

He's only gonna be 'put out' for a max of 3 hours ffs

snoopdogg · 21/09/2011 13:42

The 'selfish' bit is saying that interacting with your children is 'annoying'.

missmogwi · 21/09/2011 13:42

Wtf, he sounds like a keeper. Go to Alton Towers!

aldiwhore · 21/09/2011 13:42

They're his kids too, an afternoon of actually looking after them wouldn't kill him or be too much to ask.

Or am I lucky in that DH regularly looks after our children whilst I go out/to the races/have a day out???

I also don't think his answer to you is acceptable. If you don't mind something you don't MIND something, you can't say you don't mind it and add that you'd find it annoying because then you obviously DO mind.

He's trying to play the reasonable person card whilst guilt tripping you into cancelling your day out. Petty child!! And you can bet your bottom that if you DID cancel, at some point he'd be able to say "I told you I didn't mind" and he'd be right.

GO woman!! And be late back.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:43

Most of the time he is lovely. But he is a bit lazy about looking after the children (though he is better now than when we just had one - he hardly engaged with him at all and left it all to me. Though he has since said he did that because he thought that was how I wanted it. And I was quite precious...). That said - he does do more of bedtime than I do nowadays....

In fairness I am a bit lazy too - not so much about the children, but about cooking and housework...

OP posts:
TheVermiciousKnid · 21/09/2011 13:43

and am looking forward to my trip to Alton Towers

Good! :) Enjoy Alton Towers. To be honest, I would rather do the after school running around than going within 100 yards of a rollercoaster. Grin But that's because I'm a scaredy cat. :(

gethelp · 21/09/2011 13:44

How will you feel if they go without you and you say 'I can't, my husband won't like it"
Can't you ask a friend to help? Not that you should because they're his kids not your friend's, but we live in the real world and without lovely helpful friends most people's lives would be really difficult.

C4ro · 21/09/2011 13:45

I didn't really want kids and DH did so we had DD on the agreement of my DH that 50:50 care meant exactly that. The going along with it doesn't mean I opt out of looking after my DD to go play world of warcraft or continue my exact life as it was pre-kids! He is a selfish knob- what on earth do your kids think of their disinterested dad?

LittleWhiteWolf · 21/09/2011 13:47

Oakmaiden, I'm glad you've resolved to go, but don't stop there, please. You absolutely must start doing more for yourself. The children are equally yours and his and he made the choice to have them, even if as you say he wanted to marry you more than he wanted to not have children. He made the choice to have them and should learn to enjoy them more--even if doing the runaround annoys him.

My dad never CBA to do things with my sister and I when we grew up, it was always mum. Now as adults we are very close with mum, but neither of us speaks to our dad, in spite of him making (paltry) efforts. He's missed his chance to spend time with us. Maybe your DH ought to think long and hard about the way he is treating you and your children.