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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to deliberately do something to annoy my husband?

103 replies

Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:16

Basically, I have been invited on a day out to ~Alton Towers with some friends from uni. I completely love rollercoasters, but never really get the chance to go places like this as my husband can't stand rollercoasters, and the children are too little really to appreciate it.

So, anyway. I asked my husband if he would mind if I went. The plan is to go on a week day, so how it would work is: I would drop the children at school, then drive with my friends to Alton towers. My husband finishes work at 2:30 so would pick the children up from school, take them to their swimming lesson and then home. He doesn't usually do school pickups and certainly resists getting involved in after school activities. However, what with the school run and the swimming he is unlikely to get home before half 5.

I asked if he minded if ?I went - he said "No" he doesn't mind - but he would be "annoyed" at having to do the child-runaround. Now, to be honest if my husband wanted to do something that annoyed me - and I told him it annoyed me - then I would hope that he would not do it, if you see what I mean. So would I be really selfish to say "Well, this IS going to annoy you, but I am doing it anyway?" I think it probably would be, but at the same time I do want to go....

As a bit of background - I don't often go off on my own and leave him with the children. In the past year the occasions I can think of include - I had a day out at a spa, which was my Christmas present from him, and I have had to go to parent type meetings at school a couple of times in the evening. I also went away for one night in January on a uni jolly study trip. To balance this - he does go away for weekends occasionally without the children (before we had children he went once a month, now it is more like 3 or 4 times a year). I also take the children away a lot, so he gets relax time at home sometimes (for example this summer he declined to take time off for holidays so I took the children on my own - we went to Devon for 4 days, London for 3 days and Tenby for a week).

So - would I be unreasonable to say "Sod it - I WANT to go, and it won't hurt you to have the children for an evening", or should I decide not to go on the basis that he has said it will annoy him?

OP posts:
gethelp · 21/09/2011 13:47

Sorry, slow computer, enjoy your day! Scream like a banshee on the rollercoaster!

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:47

aldiwhore He's trying to play the reasonable person card whilst guilt tripping you into cancelling your day out.

I think that is it exactly, and why I wanted to ask here what was reasonable. I actually asked via text (he is at work) and got the response via text, and it really irritated me that he was sortof saying "OK" but also making it clear that he feels it is an imposition.

OP posts:
surfandturf · 21/09/2011 13:47

Leave him Grin

squeezemebakingpowder · 21/09/2011 13:48

I'm really glad you're going sounds like you need a break, but I'm also very Envy!

Wink
Sidge · 21/09/2011 13:49

CLANG

^^ That's my jaw hitting the floor.

I mean how utterly egocentric and disrespectful would you have to be to say that looking after your own children for an afternoon is an annoyance.

Ephiny · 21/09/2011 13:50

Of course it's not unreasonable for you to want a day out, and for him to have to look after his own children for once! Maybe it is a bit 'annoying' having to do the school run, after-school activity pick-ups etc, but it's just part of being a parent, and presumably you manage to do it every day normally.

Go, and have a great time!

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 21/09/2011 13:51

Not wanting to pick your own children up from school ONCE is more than a bit lazy op!
I find it interesting that he blames his lack of interaction with the children on you.
Does he tell you you are lazy with the housework and cooking op? Perhaps you can tell him it's because that's what you thought he wanted!

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:51

C4ro
In fairness his life HAS changed since we had children. He used to go off with friends for a weekend every month, but now only goes a handful of times a year. When the children were smaller it got down to maybe only once or twice a year, but is slowly building back up as they grow and don't need us so much. He isn't a complete useless tool Grin.

And for all this, my daughter adores her Daddy far more than she does me - and is only to happy to say so.... So he doesn't do too bad a job. In fact in general he is fine - he just has this real thing about the school pickup and after school activities...

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 21/09/2011 13:51

He is being a plonk . I am off next week for 3 nights to stay with a friend so I can drink too much , eat too much and talk far too much shite . My DH has had to take the 3 days off work to look after his children and he has done it happily .

This is not me telling you how marvellous my DH is , he is just a normal dad who is doing a nice thing for me and the children who will have a fab time .

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 13:55

SHPP Does he tell you you are lazy with the housework and cooking op? Perhaps you can tell him it's because that's what you thought he wanted!

He doesn't - but I love your plan! I KNOW I am lazy - I blame it on having an awful kitchen (hardly any cupboards or worktops and a stupid electric hob which I hate) which makes cooking a nightmare. I used to love cooking. I also blame Mumsnet, which I am currently soliciting opinions on when I know that I should be sorting out the mountain which is my washing pile...

OP posts:
SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 21/09/2011 13:59

Mumsnet is bad for housework Grin

In seriousness I think it might be time to have a chat with your dh about him doing a bit more with the kids. As others have pointed out he is missing out. Kids often cling and want attention from the parent who gives the least so your dd favouring daddy rings true. She can dismiss you because she is confident you are always there.

Enjoy Alton Towers!

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 14:02

On a slightly separate subject - the uni friend who has invited me once told me that she wished HER mum was more like me. Made me feel very old!

OP posts:
SwingingBetty · 21/09/2011 14:27

the swimming lesson isnt life or death, if he doesnt want to take them he can take them out for tea or something

CurrySpice · 21/09/2011 14:30

The question really is why the hell your husband should be annoyed about looking after his own children for one evening!! I am shocked he would say that.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 14:38

Swinging Betty

No, you are right, it isn't. I would rather he took them though, because I have only booked them a block of 10 lessons, and am not intending to book any more. I am hoping that this will be enough to get them swimming well enough that I can then use family visits to the pool to build up swimming stamina.

They are doing well, actually. They had lesson 3 this week - middle child had sort of taught herself to swim before starting lessons, but is working on the breathing side of things with her teacher (at the start of the lessons she would swim until she ran out of breath and then stop - after 3 weeks she now keeps on swimming.) Hopefully the teacher can help her learn proper front crawl breathing, and then I will be happy that she swims "well enough" for enjoyment adn safety. Youngest child couldn't swim at all, but is now managing two or three strokes across the pool before sinking - so I am confident that his swimming will improve to an acceptable level too.

So I would rather they didn't miss a lesson. And am slightly irritated that he can't be bothered to take them.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 21/09/2011 14:39

It's more than slightly irritating OP!!

WilsonFrickett · 21/09/2011 14:45

I have really heard it all now.

OP I am actually speechless. Your OH is a passive-agressive twunt. If I were you I'd be going further than Alton Towers. If you can't see through your Betty Crocker glasses enough to see how wrong and controlling this behaviour is, I am actually quite worried for you.

CurrySpice · 21/09/2011 14:47

Wilson!! Really? Leave him?!

I think it sits somewhere between slighly irritating and leave the controlling bastard tbh

SexualHarrassmentPandaPop · 21/09/2011 14:50

TBH if he didn't change it's not a man I would want in my kids lives - but everyone is different.
Imagine growing up knowing that your dad would be annoyed at having to collect you from school once.
I think it sounds like the dh had children fro the sake of the op but surely in agreeing to that he agreed to be a father not just a sperm donor.

startail · 21/09/2011 14:59

You know the answer go.
Leave him a very clear list of why to do when and go! Oh an tell him you are not taking your mobile on the rides.
He will cope, he'll probably even enjoy it.

diddl · 21/09/2011 15:01

But you´re not doing it to annoy him.

It´s tough that he lets doing things for his own children annoy him & he needs to sort that out.

Sorry if already said as I skim readBlush

nickelbabe · 21/09/2011 15:03

I think he sounds bloody selfish, personally.

My DH also gets up at 5 to start work at 6, and finishes around 2:30 (or later, depending on when his round finishes)
Then he comes here and makes my lunch and looks after me.
I can't see that he would refuse to do the child's runaround after school - one of the main advantages of having fucking different shift patterns is that one can od the mornign drop off and theother can do the afternoon pickup.

and i bet you don't have many days off to yourself, do you?

He's being selfish, and guilt-tripping you.
Tell him to grow up - I bet you wouldn't stop him doing something that meant you having to do an extra chore for one day

diddl · 21/09/2011 15:04

OP-if he won´t take the children swimming, can you go on a day when they don´t swim so that they don´t miss out?

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 21/09/2011 15:08

diddl - it is not up to me when we go. I am flattered at being asked along, I'm not about to start telling them to change when they are going!

OP posts:
diddl · 21/09/2011 15:08

Was only asking!