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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell an old friend she can't stay?

29 replies

MrsRudyRudpoo · 21/09/2011 11:16

A friend from college has e-mailed me to ask if she can rent out our spare room for a few months. She is waiting for a visa to work in the USA to come through and fancies living in the city where I live as it's more exciting here than staying with her mum in a villiage. In short, I don't want her to. She has form for being a bit of a wild child (drugs/drink) and we have a 3 year old DD that i don't want being woken up at all hours! Also I work evenings and know that DP would feel uncomfortable it being just them two every night. I offered her the room for a night or two while she sussed out areas she might want to work/live but now she wants to stay for longer. I feel like a crappy friend but don't want her in our home for what could be months on end. I guess I want to know if I am an awful friend, and if I'm not how do I tell her no?! I am a wimp and dont feel like I can just say NO outright, how do I tell her nicely!
First AIBU please be kind:)

OP posts:

fanjobanjowanjo · 21/09/2011 11:17

YANBU. Just say no, you have a 3 year old to consider and it's too much of an imposition on her life to have a stranger in teh house.

AbbyAbsinthe · 21/09/2011 11:19

Definitely NBU. I'd be happy for a couple of nights, as you say, while she finds somewhere, but even without the wild-child history, I would hate this.

limetrees · 21/09/2011 11:21

YANBU. Say no. It can be very intrusive having someone to stay for that length of time and even if you were great friends at the start with no problems, you might not be speaking at the end of it.

You can say no outright and give an oblique reason - it doesn't suit our circumstances. Anything - just don't end up doing it! There are plenty of people who take others for mugs. Don't allow yourself to be the mug! I am speaking from experience.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 21/09/2011 11:22

Just tell her that although you're happy for her to stay a couple of nights as a guest, you're not in a position to want to rent out your spare room especially as you have a toddler to consider.
Tell her that you will help her out and have a look in the local area and see if there are any rooms for rent.
It's a bloody cheek of her to ask, you will need to be firm.

aldiwhore · 21/09/2011 11:23

Just say no, its not convenient for you. You can also lie and say you need the room as a study/office/playroom... even chuck your pc in their and some of your child's toys. In fact, empty your garage and STUFF the room so full that there's no room for a bed.

AKMD · 21/09/2011 11:25

YANBU. You don't even need a myriad of reasons, it's your house and if you don't want her to stay, she doesn't. I would even be a bit uncomfortable having her for a couple of night 'while she finds somewhere to stay' TBH as that could extend to a week, two weeks, more until she 'finds' somewhere.

pinksky · 21/09/2011 11:28

It's fine to say no, you don't have to give any reason other that you don't want to. I would avoid preparing a long list of excuses, just say you've discussed it and it isn't something that your family are happy to do.

Can you think of anyone else who might be willing to help her out? Might be nice to ask around for her. Or you could suggest she try putting an ad on gumtree?

fedupofnamechanging · 21/09/2011 11:28

It's not wrong to say no, purely because you don't want to do something, so don't feel bad about it. I wouldn't want someone staying with me for a few months, even if they were a really close friend, either.

In the interests of diplomacy, I'd say that you need the space or are having other guests come to stay.

Whatmeworry · 21/09/2011 11:29

YANBU - small child plus 2 working parents = "All too Hard".

ViviPru · 21/09/2011 11:30

YANBU Say no. Say No outright.

How would your DP feel about letting you use him as the driver behind the decision? Me and my DP do this all the time "oh sorry, DP's not happy about it" even when its really ME that isn't happy about it. Its failsafe.

NB Its IMPERATIVE your DP is aware of and happy with this approach, and will back you up if necessary.

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 21/09/2011 11:32

YANBU, that would be an awful disruption for a 3yo - they would get attached to your friend, then she'd bugger off to another country and rarely see her. Totally unfair from that POV...

LydiaWickham · 21/09/2011 11:37

No one finds somewhere to stay and moves into said somewhere in 2 days. It would be at least a few weeks. If she'd already lined up somewhere to stay but couldn't move into it for 2-3 nights, that would be a different matter.

She is going to find it hard to find somewhere, very few people are happy with a flat/house share who is only going to be there for an unspecified few months, it's not like she can sign a 6 month contract for a place.

How is she planning on funding her time in your city? Does she have a job lined up although she'll be moving to the States shortly afterwards? Is she just going to bum round your flat, paying you no rent, eating your food for a few months, hoping she'll get some casual work and then move?

Say no altogether. Make something up if you don't want to upset her, I'd suggest "no spare room as DH needs it as a study" or could you have ILs due to stay during the time she wants the room? (Their visit could always end up being "postponed"/"cancelled" once she's safely in her own place )

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 21/09/2011 11:40

'No, really sorry but that won't work for us. You're welcome to stay for a few days but we need the space for visiting friends/family/chickens/space aliens on and off so that's the best we can offer I'm afraid. Have you tried looking at short lets on Gumtree?'

Ungratefulchild · 21/09/2011 11:43

Just be honest and nice about it. Say that you want your friendship to continue so you think it would be a bad idea. Emphasise that she can stay until she finds somewhere and you will see her lots.

seaweedhead · 21/09/2011 11:53

YANBU and if she's a good friend she'll understand why. Think she's a bit cheeky to even ask TBH.

Original poster

MrsRudyRudpoo · 21/09/2011 12:17

Thanks everyone, unanimous replies! Feeling a bit better about telling her now, just wish she didn't put me in this position in the first place! She's planning on getting a job while she's here, but doesn't want to get a proper tenancy as as soon as her visa comes through she will be leaving so wouldn't get back any sort of deposit etc.

OP posts:

LisasCat · 21/09/2011 12:42

When my DD was 3 a friend from another country visited and stayed for 4 nights. DD was hugely unsettled having this other person around, didn't feel comfortable in her own home, and was very clingy. I think children of that age are particularly susceptible to feeling like their safe zone has been invaded. So don't feel guilty at all for saying no.

Scholes34 · 21/09/2011 13:23

Just say no. Don't give reasons. And if she is there for a few nights, make sure to offer her an single airbed and sleeping bag, so she's not too comfortable.

LydiaWickham · 21/09/2011 13:27

well, from your next post, definately don't even offer a couple of nights - she won't find a tenancy that fits her criteria when she can doss at yours and she won't just walk into a job. This will end up being for the full period she wants to stay in your town.

If it's only for a few months, I don't see what's so wrong with her staying with her mother.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 21/09/2011 14:38

YANBU Your guest room is exactly what it says - it's for guests and, as I'm sure you'll have family and other friends (yours & DP's) staying over during the next 6 months or so, much as you would like to accomodate her it won't be possible.

Refer her to gumtree or a similar site where she can find a short-term flat/house share and say that she's welcome to stay over on a given night (your night off) if she's going to be viewing places.

If she wants to stay over on a night that isn't convenient for you, it won't be possible as x, y, or z will be visiting that week.

ENormaSnob · 21/09/2011 15:43

Yadnbu

I think she's quite cheeky to even ask.

lalalonglegs · 21/09/2011 16:14

If you think that she won't move out after a couple of days, make sure that you have friend or relative lined up to visit after that and make it clear that you need the spare room back for this other guest.

kippersandjam · 21/09/2011 18:19

i had this once and from experience I would say no:) a few months! she has her mum to stay with as you say, not sure what she thinks will be more exciting about staying in a house with working parents, you out working in the evenings and a toddler! agree toddler may get attached as well, and as for dp- he is right it would be uncomfortable. She will be better at her mums, free food, phone etc and i expect that will look better as her address while she applies for a visa- can't she apply before she comes? she can always come for a sat -sun stopover to see you in the evening and not go out, ie nice dinner in:) you are not a crappy friend, you have to put your family first. i have single friends who seem to think i am a handy hotel, which is fine when you are single and ok to party, but not as family, i could go on but i think i already have:)

Tchootnika · 21/09/2011 18:34

she will be leaving so wouldn't get back any sort of deposit etc.

That's ridiculous reasoning on her part.

And as others have said, nothing 'crappy' about saying no to her. (Would it make you feel better to ask around on her behalf, though? See if you can put her in touch with someone who'd like a lodger?)

ChristinedePizan · 21/09/2011 18:41

No is a complete sentence as people like to say around these parts

I honestly think that some people haven't really moved on/grown up and don't understand their friends are in a different place. She probably hasn't considered that you have a 3 year old, you work evenings and what that might actually be like.

I am a total wimp though and, in your shoes, I would probably tell her that your DP isn't comfortable with it but that you'd love to meet up with her.

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