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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is DH about driving?

89 replies

Voidka · 18/09/2011 13:17

I am not a driver so I dont know if IABU.

It was DDs birthday soon and we planned to do a family trip to Chester Zoo to see the dinosaur exhibition as a birthday treat instead of a party.

We were going to go last weekend, then DH cancelled because he wanted to go away with friends for the weekend.

It was rearranged for this weekend, then DH cancelled again because yesterday he wanted to go to the football and today he is at cricket (he plays in a team).

Next weekend DS is away at Cub camp and we are all going to the theatre.

Now the following weekend we have saturday free but Sunday we are driving 2 hours to go to visit my parents, and DH doesnt want to do another 2 hours drive to Chester the day before because it will be too tiring.

The weekend after that we cant go because he is going to Spain with work, then the exhibition finishes.

AIBU to want to go the only day we have free, even if this means DH driving for quite a bit over that weekend?

OP posts:

diddl · 18/09/2011 17:44

Of course if OP does learn to drive, then her husband doesn´t have to "do" any family events at all.

Which may or may not be a good thing.

Blu · 18/09/2011 17:52

I find it a bit of a slog if I have to do long drives on consecutive days (but an hour each way for 2 days wouldn't be an issue at all). But then I would plan to do the b'day outing when it was first planned and agreed.

Whatever you do about the driving won't solve the issue.
If you arrange to drive the kids for a day out he will say 'good, Voidka can drive, I can have a day out with my mates / doing my own hobby / sport', and he will duck out, just like he has ducked out of Butlins, or else every time you arrange to take them somewhere he will 'need' the car to go on one of his jaunts and unless you buy another car you will not get to drive anyway.

The issue is his engagement with and committment to you and his children. If you are a sahp, make a chart - weekdays showing you doing your job, him doing his. Then on weekends colour in the days you do 'overtime' and the days that he spends with his children, and the days when he does not - put 'DH being a Dad' and DH not being a Dad' respectively. And show him just how much time he fails to spend with his children.

ladyintheradiator · 18/09/2011 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 18/09/2011 19:19

YANBU Op. 2 days with 2 hrs drive might be a bit tiring but it is do-able. My DH has done this. But the main thing is that your DH shouldn't have cancelled it the first time it was arranged. If it was a work thing than that would have been okay. But to cancel a family arrangement to go away with friends is not on.

Inertia · 18/09/2011 19:57

Sorry, but the behaviour of a good dad is not to repeatedly cancel his child's birthday treat so that he can do what the hell he likes with his friends. He is acting like a selfish arse.

Anyway, unless you get to the zoo sharpish the dinosaurs will be gone - when we went the posters said they would only be there until mid October, IIRC.

You need to learn to drive so your DH cannot control you like this.

NotQuiteSoDesperate · 18/09/2011 20:05

DH has just come back from a 6 hour drive taking DS2 back to Uni. This is a man who is disabled and crippled with back pain, but he loves his son and so does things like this for him.

I had a job a few years ago where I had to drive 1 hour 40 mins each way every day and do more driving at weekends. You simply do things if you care enough.

Personally, I think your DH needs a kick up the backside, OP.

sb6699 · 18/09/2011 21:07

Cant believe your dh would prioritise a weekend with his mates or playing sports over his dc's birthday treat

It was the first "old firm" game of the season today, a match my dh has never missed but today he did - to take DD2 to Build a Bear for her birthday.

It's what being a parent is all about.

I genuinely don't think he wants to come with you and is waiting for you to get fed up and take them yourself.

2 hrs driving on consecutive days, even each way, is nothing really.

WidowWadman · 18/09/2011 21:07

Lyingwitchandthewardrobe "I'm just wondering if the responses would be the same were the OP's DH posting... I think not somehow."

I wondered that.
Having been the only driver for many years before my husband learnt to drive I often found it annoying that he suggested long drive daytrips all the bloody time without consideration for me as the driver.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 21:42

WW...did you repeatedly prioritise your own social life over your children's birthday treats though ?

that is the issue here

and if he had done the zoo driving whne it had first been organised (instead of blowing his family out for his own ends) then he wouldn't be faced with 2 long drives in one weekend

swopping the genders round here to prove a point is nonsensical

a selfish arsehole is a selfish arsehole, whether it owns a penis or not

Blu · 18/09/2011 21:46

And even without the driving issue, why he he leaving the OP to cope on her own with 3 kids, one with SN, weekend after weekend after weekend? Even when there is no birthday?

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 21:51

well, precisely blu

some people seem able to overlook that though..

Blu · 18/09/2011 21:54

Because frankly looking after 3 kids, one with SN, all day every day weekends included is far more tiring than driving to the zoo for the day!

OP - has your DH ever looked after all 3 children on his own for a day, or two days running? If not, arrange it asap.

blackeyedsusan · 18/09/2011 22:14

yeh, i can see that driving a lot in one weekend may be tiring, but that is not the point the point is he has postponed his dd's birthday twice for his own sake to do his own thing leaving his so called partner (can't see where the partnership is though) to look after his children, then will not put himself out for his own dd. tsk

oh and don't get me started on the holiday...

op learn to drive. it will give you morer independence and you may need it one day the way he is carrying on.

ColdSancerre · 18/09/2011 22:25

2hrs a day on two consecutive days is not a lot of driving, last Saturday we visited my mum in hospital, a 7-8 hr round trip and DP happily did all the driving (I offered to share but he was fine). A few weeks before I did the same journey in a day to drop off my cats for at sitting and pick up my niece for a weekend at ours.

The 'tiring' excuse is a massive red herring. When you need to you just get on and do it. When you WANT to you just get on and do it. He just doesn't want to.

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