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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DH about driving?

89 replies

Voidka · 18/09/2011 13:17

I am not a driver so I dont know if IABU.

It was DDs birthday soon and we planned to do a family trip to Chester Zoo to see the dinosaur exhibition as a birthday treat instead of a party.

We were going to go last weekend, then DH cancelled because he wanted to go away with friends for the weekend.

It was rearranged for this weekend, then DH cancelled again because yesterday he wanted to go to the football and today he is at cricket (he plays in a team).

Next weekend DS is away at Cub camp and we are all going to the theatre.

Now the following weekend we have saturday free but Sunday we are driving 2 hours to go to visit my parents, and DH doesnt want to do another 2 hours drive to Chester the day before because it will be too tiring.

The weekend after that we cant go because he is going to Spain with work, then the exhibition finishes.

AIBU to want to go the only day we have free, even if this means DH driving for quite a bit over that weekend?

OP posts:
tallulah · 18/09/2011 13:58

2 hours driving is nothing. He's clearly just making excuses. Your poor DD :(

Blu · 18/09/2011 14:03

It was his plans that left this as the only available time, so he'll have to suck it up, won't he?

But as you seem quite happy to act as a de facto single parent I suggest that in future you plan things that you can manage alone with the children. Then at least you won't have the indignity of being dependent on his selfish whims, the children won't see you being subservient to his selfish whims, and they might get put first when it is a birthday treat!

3littlefrogs · 18/09/2011 14:04

Why are you taking the Dc on holiday by yourself? Is that something else he will find "too tiring"?

Blu · 18/09/2011 14:04

Does he ever take responsibility? he caused this situation, let him sort it out.
Or is he not grown-up man enough?

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 14:05

I suspect he has "other plans"

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 18/09/2011 14:12

What Blu said.

But I think you should learn to drive then you can stop having to rely on the unreliable.

Original poster
Voidka · 18/09/2011 14:44

Thank you for you input - I suppose I knew all these things, but its hard to see it so plainly until its written down.

DH can be quite selfish - we arrange things around what he wants to do. We have 3 DC's, one with SN and its hard on my own so I am normally quite happy to rearrange but I am annoyed that he has put himself first again. He is normally a good Dad and the DC's adore him.

WRT the holiday, its both DS's birthdays in March so we normally go away for February half term in the place of a party. Last three years we have been to CP but this year DS1 wants to go to Butlins. DS said he didnt want to go and would be busy at work (how he knows I dont know) so I was stubborn and said I would take them myself - I am a bit nervous about it but I have done it now, and the kids will have a ball.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 14:47

I am sorry, love

It can very difficult to see how others judge your partner

You really shouldn't make like such a doormat though, seriously

You are in a partnership (or meant to be)

It doesn't look that way

And I disagree he is a good dad...I think he is displaying all the signs of a selfish and uninvolved father...that can have long lasting impact on children and don't think they don't notice

they will be comparing your family set up to their friends'...and finding it wanting, I can assure you

ll31 · 18/09/2011 15:14

cant believe any parent would treat their childs birthday treat like that.. sounds horrible tbh Would learn to drive - and I speak as someone who learned at 40 - so its possible - u might suprise yourself! good luck and take care

diddl · 18/09/2011 15:17

"so I was stubborn and said I would take them myself "

Sounds more like you have let him get his own way.

What father would ratherr work than have time with his young children?

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 15:19

he saw his arse because he didn't get to make the choice where you went on holiday

how juvenile

LRDTheFeministDragon · 18/09/2011 15:22

I wouldn't be bothered by driving that much, at all. But - though I broadly agree with AF and think there are bigger issues here than just this one situation - it is tedious being the driver all the time. My DH doesn't drive and I do get fed up sometimes. I still think he is being a prat - but if you could learn to drive it'd be good.

soverylucky · 18/09/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontGoCurly · 18/09/2011 16:43

Yeh, 2 hours driving is nothing. Sitting on his arse and pointing the car and moving the steering wheel !! There is nothing tiring about that. It's just a cop-out.

OP, start standing up for yourself and stop allowing him to be selfish. kick his arse

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/09/2011 16:51

I'm just wondering if the responses would be the same were the OP's DH posting... I think not somehow.

OP... How much driving does your husband do in the week? Some weeks, when I've been here, there and everywhere for work, just ten more minutes driving when I'm at home would be too much. I've no idea if your husband is selfish or not, only you know that really.

I think it would be a good idea for you to learn to drive if you can find the money, especially as you have children.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 18/09/2011 16:59

YANBU. Your DH is a cocklodger and his children will remember all this.
I am a mere woman Wink, sometime in the next two months, I will be hiring a Transit van, driving NW England to Dover, ferry to Dunkerque, drive to Antwerp, move a load of furniture, drive back to Dunkerque-Dover-NW England all in three days.
DH will be with me on the return trip, but won't be driving because he won't be insured.
That is what you do for someone you are married to, you don't piss off to sporting events.
I am another who says swallow hard, pay out the cost of learning to drive and do it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/09/2011 16:59

2hrs is nothing - i drove 2 hrs each way in one day to go to a friends wedding miles away

its not the distance/time that would worry me but more the fact that your dh cancels a birthday treat and then goes out with friends/plays football/cricket etc and doesnt give a fuck about your childs feelings :(

diddl · 18/09/2011 17:01

I think that driving can be tiring-depending if it´s motorway/country lanes, or you might just have had enough if you drive to work every day.

But I´m assuming he manages to drive(?) himself when he wants to at the weekend when it´s soley for him.

Ie not to ILs & not to a zoo.

ledkr · 18/09/2011 17:01

OP how does he attend all his other social commitments a time machine?

He is happy to put himself out to do what he wants to but cant for his daughters birthday.

I would go myself-with a toyboy Grin

FabbyChic · 18/09/2011 17:02

Is he some kind of wimp? I drove 10 hours in a day once I was fine and dandy if not a bit tired but it didnt kill me.

Tell him to man up it's his fault you have not gone before the selfish basket.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2011 17:03

Hire a driver

A fit one Wink

FabbyChic · 18/09/2011 17:04

Learn to drive so you don't need him!

Asshole!

NormaStanleyFletcher · 18/09/2011 17:07

Good idea AF. OP do you want to borrow My DH.

pink4ever · 18/09/2011 17:16

Op-you have my sympathy as I have a dh who hates driving and trying to get him to take us anywhere in the car at the weekends is like trying to get blood out of a stone. My dcs and I are well versed in public transport! And before I get a zillion posters telling me to learn to drive I cant bloody afford it and dh apparently doesnt hate driving enough to pay for lessonsHmm

Dont usually agree with fabby but she has got your dh down to a tee-he is not a good dh,he is a selfish twunt. Next time he wants to play cricket tell him you are off to a spa for the weekend.

Tewkespeggy · 18/09/2011 17:34

i would make arrangements to go yourself and ask him to join you.. if he doesnt its his loss.

dont let your kid miss out on a fantastic birthday treat x